Sat Dec 12

@todo I linked to and mentioned other gig sites… Can we get an affiliate link or sponsorship? If not, please remove the link and keep it generic

I wrote an article today, which I’m using as half of my writing prerequisite.

Notes from CoDA

FEAR: Face Everything And Recover.

I didn’t share at all during this meeting. I almost forgot about the meeting. I would have missed the meeting if not for the alarm that I set on my phone!

I have a goal for the next meeting. This is part of overcoming the desire to hide all the time from everything. The goal is to unmute myself to say, “Hi <name>” and “Thank you <name>” which is something I have not been doing at all. I just stay muted because it’s part of my hiding.

Speaking of hiding

I meditated for ~15 minutes after CoDA ended. I chanted Hanjusan by myself, without the aide of the youtube video. I do this from time to time and I enjoy it.

The thing that came up while I meditated was the fear of being heard. I self-affirmed that this is who I am and it’s okay, and my god is not my Dad and I can chant ancient Japanese sutras as loud as I want if I fucking want to and even if I think my dad wouldn’t like it. Again, my dad is not my god and I don’t exist to please him.

Then the fear of being signing for a UPS package that is scheduled to arrive came up. My friend M. for some reason pays for signature confirmations when he ships things to me. Signature confirmation is completely unnecessary for where I live, because we have a 700 foot driveway and no strangers come down that driveway. We’re in the rural area and porch pirates are not an issue…

Anyway, I had the impulse to stop chanting right in the middle of reciting the sutra. I became fearful that I wouldn’t be able to intercept the UPS driver and sign for the package.

But then I remembered that this isn’t something I need to worry about at all. I don’t care if I fucking miss the delivery and the driver has to try again on Monday. I don’t care. It’s a gift that I don’t need, and I’ll get it eventually. I don’t care if my parents are inconvenienced by having to answer the door to sign for the package. They’re likely expecting such events as it’s the holiday season and my siblings and I, and my parents are probably all ordering gifts online.

I don’t care. It’s out of my control, I don’t exist to make life easy for anyone, it’s beyond my control and it’s beyond my concern. I accept whatever fate occurs and I’m not going to worry.

Meditation and mindfulness are really great! My life has improved because of both.

I took 25 minutes to get signed up on I need to make more money and I want my comfy lifestyle, so I figure it’s worth a shot. I added a new checkbox on my Daily Progress Chart (DPC), “Freelance.”

I figure that the jobs are going to be tough to get. There are a lot of developers on that website, and it’s a worldwide marketplace so there’s going to be competition.

I’m not going to let that deter me. I’m just going to adopt a system of placing bids on jobs that I really want. Jobs that fit me and my skillset. Jobs that aren’t going to stress me out by having to learn a new tech stack in addition to dealing with the client.

I searched for around 25 minutes and I found 2 projects that had to do with web scraping. I wrote a short proposal for each, and submitted them. I think one of the projects had a total of 7 proposals, and the other had 9.

I don’t expect to get either. My bid was not the lowest. I chose the bid amount using a $50/hr wage, and I gave myself 7 days to complete the task. I don’t think it’ll take me 7 days. Honestly I think it would take me 3 days of working 4-6 hour shifts, but I don’t want to stress about a deadline and I gave myself extra time.

I don’t think I’ll get the jobs. I would be surprised if I did. The point of the checkbox on the DPC is to establish a routine. I’ll spend 25 minutes every day browsing projects on I’ll submit proposals only if it’s a job I want and I know I can do, and be proud of the work I submit.

I’ll just make that habit, and eventually I’ll get a job. Or I won’t, at which point I’ll go somewhere else! The beauty of the internet and free markets is that there are lots of other places to find work. There’s Fiverr, Upwork, and a bunch of other ones that I’ve heard about but haven’t looked into yet.

That’s about it for now

I’m grateful that I gave myself the time to go to CoDA. I’m grateful that I could hear the stories of other suffers of codependency. I’m grateful that I can learn and grow from the stories.

I’m grateful for the gig economy. I am grateful to have the opportunity to get work in a field that I LOVE.

I’m grateful for food. Holy shit I love food! It’s just about time for breakfast… LOL it’s already 11:55 but I haven’t felt hungry till now. I’m grateful for cyclic fasting! I feel really good when I moderate in this way, and give my digestive system a break.


Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post