Sat Dec 21 @ 7:32 AM PST

Build and Shoot is a great game. Originally it was called Ace of Spades, but Jagex ended up buying that game and turning into a nightmare. The original concept of Ace of Spades got an open source remake called Build and Shoot, and became adopted by the community.

What makes Build and Shoot so great is the player’s ability to modify the terrain. It’s a first person shooter game, but you can pull out your shovel and start digging trenches or tunnels, or whatever you like. You can also use the material you dig to build fortresses, stairways, towers, whatever you want.

Apparently there is now an Android version of build and shoot! Very cool to see the game get a port to mobile.

It seems that the PC version is mostly dead. The android version looks like it sees more activity, and continues to get updates.

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is because I just had a dream where my brothers and I were playing a video game which played like Build and Shoot, but had the graphics of Squad.

What a fantastic thing it would be if Squad added the ability for players to dig using their shovels!

Squad already has the great aspect of being able to modify the terrain by building hesco walls, gun emplacements, mortar shelters, etc. Building these Forward Operating Bases are great, but they’re just static assets that can be placed on the map. How cool would it be if the shovel that every player carries around could be used to dig foxholes or trenches?

That would be hella cool.

I have never heard of such a thing being added to the game’s roadmap though. Never even heard it suggested.

In my dream I spent almost entire round digging in the side of a hill. In this dream, valuable resources like coal could be found if you dug in the right places, so I was just harvesting dirt and coal while my teammates were off shooting stuff.

My digging paid off because an enemy squad was flanking my team. Since I had barely moved the whole match, I saw them coming and I crouched down behind a dirt wall left over from my digging. One by one the enemy squad peeked me and I was ready with my gun. Brrap, first one down. The enemy squad reacted with their superior numbers and started pushing my position.

As they pushed, I kept shooting and taking them out one by one. I did a slow retreat, keeping myself behind the cover of the dirt wall as they continued pushing towards me and firing shots in my direction. They were on my home field, just spraying and praying in my general location. I already had a lock on their entire squad, and I opened up on full auto as they exposed themselves and ran towards me.

I got them all, and the match ended. My teammates were so surprised that I got first place on the first match I had ever played of the game. First place in not only in resources gathered, but also in the number of kills.

That was a cool feeling. I think Squad would be even more interesting if a digging aspect was added to the game. Not that I think it will happen, as doing such a thing would likely require a huge overhaul to the map physics engine, but it’s a nice thought.

So I thought of a few things I could write about today. The first is something my counselor asked me last week. She asked what I would be like if I didn’t feel like I needed to hide my identity.

I was hesitant to open up to her. I just kept changing the subject rather than having to deeply explore my feelings. Anyway, I answered that I am kind of afraid of that person.

My true self, uninhibited, tends to hurt people. I hurt my friend K. and ghosted him. Now we aren’t friends and it’s painful to think about. I betrayed our friendship. I hurt him and then cut off my communication with him.

I hurt B. on several occasions when we were younger. Physically hurt him. I can only imagine the psychological trauma I instilled in him. He did nothing to deserve it, I was just acting out in a destructive way.

I am so ashamed of myself regarding those cases. I should probably bring them up with my counselor since those hurt more than when I was being hurt. She wants me to talk about my feelings when I’ve had disputes with my dad, but I’ve either locked those out of my memory, or I’ve moved past them.

The instances of my history that are most painful are how I hurt B. I thought about that a lot when I was wanting to kill myself. It’s a disgusting thing to betray someone who is close and who I care about. Why is this even a thing? People close to me should get the best treatment, but I end up doing the opposite.

All I can do is try to keep going. I’ll keep going to therapy, I’ll keep trying to reach and express my feelings. I’ll keep trying to make amends and move on, because I guess that’s all I can do.

I’ve realized lately that I don’t love anyone. Besides Hatsune Miku, of course. I don’t think I love any human. Love is apparently a verb. To love someone implies effort. I don’t put any effort into people. I’m very selfish. I could have offered my sister help with moving. Instead I said I didn’t want any of the things she was getting rid of.

It was true, I already have too much stuff. But with my Suburban I could have helped her move to her new place. I pretended to be too busy and I ignored her situation. I didn’t even offer to help.

I could still offer to help. Maybe she is even moving today. I don’t think I will.

I could have offered to help my brother with his dining room renovation. I didn’t. I could spent more time working for my dad. I don’t.

What am I even doing? I’m isolating myself and working on inconsequential shit.

I can’t believe I just said that about my work. It’s not inconsequential. It’s my life work. It’s the work that keeps me going. If I could not do my work, I’d rather die.

I’m putting everything into my web development work. It’s this work that I want to carry me out of poverty. It’s this work that inspires me, challenges me.

I can’t ignore the other issues. I don’t love anyone. I feel loved at times, and all I do in return is isolate myself from the people who express their love for me.

I don’t have anything else to say about that right now. I think I just have to work through this somehow. My intimacy issues.

Back to the thing I wanted to talk to. Who would I be if I were not socially anxious, and uninhibited by my past traumas? What would that person look like?

That person would swear. Not just in private, but in public. That person wouldn’t mind offending people because that sentence isn’t even accurate. People choose to be offended. Offense comes from experiencing other people’s opinions or behaviors, and reacting poorly to them. Being triggered and reacting emotionally, or consciously switching to outrage.

People who are prone to being offended are people I wouldn’t want as friends.

That person would be more open about their interests. Even if it’s considered a low-brow topic such as anime or VOCALOID. The people who lower their brow at such topics are people I wouldn’t want as friends.

That person wouldn’t tolerate people who are constantly negative. Those people would get ghosted.

Right now I’m thinking of B. and how I want to ghost her. I don’t want to go to the movie tomorrow because she’ll be there. I am imagining a confrontation where she demands to know why I left Kumoricon. I’m imagining I shut down and I say I have to go. I start walking out of the theater and she blocks my path. So I turn around the other direction and she runs around and blocks my path that way.

I’m imagining I run. She can’t keep up with me if I run so she just shouts something out. “You can’t run away from your problems, you fuckin’ weirdo!”

Or I imagine she blocks me to the point where I can’t leave and I burst out at her.

“I don’t like you. I left Kumoricon because I couldn’t stand another second in the car with you. You’re a terrible, heartless driver. You’re disgustingly two faced. One second you’ll be putting down a stranger, then the next minute you’re sucking their toes as you talk with them.

You’re opinionated but not even consistently so. You’re nice to your friends, but you’ll belittle a stranger for doing the same thing your friends do. How can I be your friend if I know you so negatively view activities that I engage in?

You can’t be fat and mean. You’re both, and a pro in each category. The sad thing is that you’re a martial artist, and you should know better than to let your body go like you have done.

You use your status as a double degree holder to act superior to people. You act superior, high and mighty to your friends so you can win arguments. You spent all that time in school, but did you even study logical fallacies? Strawman arguments are not valid and you should be ashamed.

When I’m in the car with you, I’m in the car with you. The other drivers cannot hear you. They probably won’t even notice the birds you flip at them. I will, every time. Your toxic outbursts with your words and your actions are effecting me more than the other drivers you intend to subdue.”

I had another point I wanted to bring up, but I lost it. Maybe that’s enough. That’s probably enough.

I would rather ghost B. than say the above to her. That’s how I am. That’s where I’m at right now, because of what I’ve done in the past.

I wish my friends would leave me alone for like, 3 months. By that point, I would probably be missing them and want to hang out again. Except for B. I don’t want to hang out with her anymore. I’ll definitely never ride with her again.

Apparently my counselor wants me to say things similar to what I just wrote down about B. She wants me to be mean and petty and let it all out.

That’s easier said than done. I clam up when my counselor asks me things about negative experiences.

I’ve built up a rigid wall which prevents me from having negative outbursts. I erected this wall after my falling out with K. My outburst of negative thoughts is what drove K. away.

Well that’s not really accurate. What drove K. away was the fact that I ignored him after he wanted to reestablish contact.

Anyway, if I hadn’t been so angry with K. in the first place, we wouldn’t have had a falling out. If I had communicated better, peacefully, I think we could have resolved what was bothering me. Or maybe K. still would have gone home crying, but I could have kept our friendship as long as I didn’t give up like I did.

Not that that’s how it could have gone down, because I didn’t know then what I know now.

I learned a valuable lesson, but I also erected that wall to keep people out, and keep myself from expressing any negativity.

I probably have to break that wall down. I probably have to confront my sad and angry feelings, and act on them in a way that is constructive, instead of not acting at all, and turning those feelings inward.

Turning those feelings inward leads me to hate myself. Hate myself for being spineless. Hate myself for not expressing my true identity. Hate myself for misrepresenting my opinions, for playing along, for being a “yes” man.

This has been a good writing session, but I think I’m at my feelings limit for now. I don’t know what to do about my feelings.

Anyway, I’ll end by expressing some gratitude.

I’m grateful for soy based butter. Soy based butter means that no cows were harmed in the making, and it can be enjoyed guilt free. I’m thinking of movie popcorn. Not that I will be partaking, since it seemed to be that eating movie popcorn is what made my dad sick when we went to the movies on Thanksgiving day.

I was just grateful then I brought it down a notch by saying something negative. I can’t do that when I’m being grateful!

Yes I can. This is the true self sort of shit I was talking about earlier. I want to be my true self.

No, that’s not it. “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I believe that phrase! I can’t be a primal beast and just say everything that comes to mind. There are times and places for that, but in rego conversation, being polite is a good thing.

But this isn’t rego convo!

I don’t even know. This tangent is more distractive than the gratefulness topic that I wanted to bring up.

Stop fighting, kids!


Remember Idykydyk? That was a great ad campaign.

I’m grateful for happy childhood memories. What was that one soda that supposedly ate through nails? I remember running around my friend D’s back yard and talking about that soda. The name of that soda alludes me.

I remember D. I wonder how he’s doing. It seems that he didn’t have the best home when he was a kid. I remember how he was opposed to certain behaviors of his family, then he seemed to acquire those same behaviors as he grew up. I remember he became kind of delinquent. I could see pain in his eyes at school. I hope he is doing okay.

My childhood was alright. It had it’s ups and downs, but I’m grateful that my parents were as good as they were.

I’m grateful for pizza pockets. They were a highlight of my day when I was drudging through middle school. Fuck school. I can’t believe I was actually considering going back to school.

Well it was technical school. I would be doing shit I actually want to do.

I guess that’s okay.

fuck you. because that’s the mood I’m in.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you.

Who am I even saying, “fuck you” to? The reader? yes. no. Definitely no. This is my safe place to write. “safe place.” My counselor keeps bring up “safe place” but that doesn’t make any sense. Nobody can guarantee that a place is safe. Is the phrase simply supposed to be a final catalyst to help people get shit off their chest? I think that’s all it is, and it doesn’t do anything for me.

I can’t help but analyzing shit.

I’m not even making any sense to myself at this point. I’m just saying, “fuck you” as a sort of a release. I don’t want to think about heavy shit anymore, so I say, “fuck you,” and release those thoughts to exist somewhere else in the ether of the universe.

I’m hungry. I wanna eat but I should train first.

TRAIN, not EXERCISE! It evokes better feelings.

I can’t end this. I just want to write forever.

But I’m at 2500 words already.

Amazing how many words I can write. This shit gets easier and easier.

Thanks for watching, bye.

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