Sat Feb 29 2020

Hello old friend.

I’m trying to be Elliot from Mr. Robot.

I’m upgrading my operating system because apparently it’s super out of date, to the point where ubuntu has dropped support for it. This makes upgrading very difficult because the system is looking for packages in a place which no longer exist. Luckily, there are guides to fixing this problem, but damn, editing config files for this sort of thing seems kinda dumb. I would think this sort of functionality should just be built into apt. Oh well, whatevs.

I’m watching this strange and interesting youtube video. I can’t understand shit, but the baby character is really cute.

So yeah, I’m thinking of studying Japanese at a school. I could do a couple years in the USA, then maybe I could come up with some money to travel to Japan.

Here’s some shit I wrote yesterday while I was at therapy.

Therapy today. My lips hurt real bad. I should call B. and ask him to bring me my chapstick. LOL I need to rewatch Napoleon Dynamite.

Isn’t it interesting how water fountains are always right by the bathroom? Like what if the water supply malfunctioned and waste water ended up in the drinking fountain? I remember reading a comic of that sort of thing.

I’m anxious(6) right now. I was anxious(6) that someone would see me when I took the trash out this morning.

I already wrote 2K words today. This is too much. Maybe I over did it on my training today. Maybe I’m hungry. I got my EBT card today! I’m going to get groceries after this and going to the post office.

My pen is putting ink down on paper and the ink is getting hit just right by the light above me, so it makes a wonderful glistening for a moment before it dries. It’s very smooth and soothing.

Ok back to the present. I went into therapy after I wrote that, and I had a painfully intense session of recounting my history of co-dependency. I had it all written down from Feb 16th’s journal entry, and I read it aloud to my counselor. She had me pause when I was talking about violent interactions between my father and I, and she took me through a guided meditation where I met a young version of myself. I was taken to a comfortable beach side on a carefree, warm summer day.

There was young Chris, looking for sea shells in the sand. He waved me over and gave me a starfish he had found. We walked along the beach and there were a pair of people waling towards us. I recognized them and they were my parents. Young Chris became frightened as my parents approached me, and he hid behind me.

My parents asked to walk with young Chris, and I declined. I was determined to protect young Chris and to continue to walk with him.

I didn’t come up with this meditation exercise. All I did was close my eyes and listen, and imagine the story being told. Apparently it’s from an AA-like support group book.

I cried. I was embarrassed and I wanted to hide. My face and my hands were tingling.

I took control of my emotions promptly as I wiped the tears from my face. I think I still have work to do there. I think I have to go through this exercise again on my own time and let it all out.

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