Sat Jan 18 2020

11:04 AM. I tried to get my computer to wake after 9 hours of being powered down.

sudo rtcwake -m off --time +9hours

Apparently this command is a no-go on my machine. It won’t wake from being powered off this way, but it will wake from being suspended.

sudo rtcwake -m mem --time +9hours

I wonder if I could come up with a way to use programmatic Wake-On-Lan from another PC to turn on my PC from a powered down state.

Lately I’ve been using a command to turn my PC off after a few minutes elapse.

shutdown -hP 30

This command will halt my pc and Power it down in 30 minutes. I do this when I’m on the computer late at night and don’t feel like I can disconnect. I type this command in, and make a mental note that I only have 30 minutes remaining. It works pretty well.

I use a similar command when I’m done for the night and I’m going to go to bed. I like to sleep in total darkness, and with my computer powered down, it’s very hard to navigate from my light switch to my bed because it’s so dark. What I like doing lately is first turning the lights off, then powering down my PC afterwards. The light from the 3 LCD monitors keeps the room plenty bright for me to prevent myself from tripping over my piles of junk on my way to my bed.

shutdown -hP 5

This command shuts down my PC in 5 minutes. That’s enough time to get tucked into bed and relax.

Using this delayed shutdown has been great for me. It creates a countdown for me to finish up my computer usage for the night.

Since I started using rtcwake to power on my PC after it’s been off for awhile, it left something to be desired. rtcwake doesn’t offer any mechanism to wait before shutting down or suspending to RAM! As soon as rtcwake executes, the computer shuts down or suspends.

I want the best of both worlds. I want to run a command which shuts down my PC in 30 minutes, then starts it up again in 9 hours.

To solve this issue, I looked to at command. at lets me run whatever command I want, at a specified point in time.

Firstly, I created a new script which contains the rtcwake command which will wake the PC.

# file located at-- ~/bin/
rtcwake -m mem --date +9hours

Next, I queue to run at a time of my choosing, let’s say 30 minutes from now.

sudo at now + 30 minute -f ~/bin/

Sudo is required when calling at, as elevated privileges are required for rtcwake. the rtcwake command itself doesn’t need sudo, as it seems to inherit the necessary privileges from the elevated at instance.

This seems to work pretty well!

More experimentation will be required to see if I can get my computer to power off (S5) and later power on. I can also try suspending to disk (S4) instead of suspend to ram (S3) which will save more power.

Suspending is all good, but many times my computer audio glitches out after suspending. I’ll boot up LMMS for example, and none of the samples produce audio. Instead, they just make popping noises. The only way to fix this seems to be a complete system reboot. Restarting the program is never enough.

This is why I’d like to simply power off my computer at night, and power it on automatically in several hours. My thought behind this is that my computer can be an alarm clock. When it powers on, it’s time for me to be awake!

I had a toilet thought about publishing my journal in 2 years. It’s me bravely saying to the world–

This is who I am. I’m not afraid to tell you who I am. Love me or don’t, but I’m not going to change for you.

Bam! That’s a powerful sentiment.

I gotta make money. I was getting rather depressed last night as I thought about my finances. eBay said I made about $1000 in sales over the past 31 days. It doesn’t feel like that. Even if that’s true, I don’t think I can keep that up because I’m running out of things to sell. I’ve just been selling junk I’ve had around the house, and that junk is going to run out.

No matter. I have a plan. My plan is to scale up my thrift store acquisitions. I got a little depressed about that as well. My acquisitions have not been very good as of late. In other words, the things that I’ve been deciding to buy end up being not profitable.

I’m learning. It’s a learning process to see what people are willing to pay for on eBay. I guess I have to accept that there is a process to this. Profitability is not going to happen right away. I’m already tweaking my cost structures. $1 auctions with no reserve and no shipping seems to be a very bad thing to do. In 7 days, the auctions end at $1 and I’m stuck with sending a $2 cost basis item with $4 shipping.

Those low value, low demand items starting at $1 with free shipping are a mistake. I need to pull any remaining items like that, or I’m just shooting myself in the foot.

I’m going to watch anime at D’s house later tonight. He invited me to dinner as well, but I aint got money for that! Getting out of debt is my #1 financial goal right now. #2 is making a profitable business on eBay.

I’m thinking of listing high value Weiss Schwarz cards on eBay. They’re already listed on Bonanza, but sales on Bonanza are few and far between. I’ve got my eBay account linked via Bonanza, so I can just click a few buttons and have a bunch of cards show up on eBay.

I should do it. The cards aren’t doing anything for me stuffed in a box. I just used, “I should…” That’s a codependent thought pattern!

Let me rephrase that. One moment while I list some cards on eBay!

Done! I’m assuming I’m going to see some sales pretty quick from that batch, as I had many of them priced below market value for a quick sale via Bonanza. Bonanza’s market is so much smaller, so with more eyes on eBay, I’m sure there will be upcoming sales.

12:15 PM. I wanted to journal first thing today. This past week I have not been journalling right away. Or maybe I start early, but I put my journalling task to the side and resume it later in the day.

I’m slipping! My leet schedule is kind of crumbling. I don’t feel fulfillment anymore. I think I need to code more. I’m afraid(6) that eBay is not going to work out. It could be profitable eventually, but what of fulfillment? This is something I have to figure out. I want to code for a living, not sell junk for a living.

I think my biggest issue right now is dealing with change. I have a habit of reeling back and doing what I was doing before, in the face of change. Just like taking a job, when I quit the first day. I have probably quit 12 jobs on the first day. It’s a serious problem. This is one reason why I’m so afraid to get a job I actually want. My historical trends say I’m just going to bail out on the first day because I will have a panic attack, or I won’t stick with it because I’m experiencing some other kind of fear.


Why should I work? Why should I work when I have everything I want, everything I need? A place to live, I mean. I haven’t had to pay rent for the longest time and this made the issue worse.

This is why I need to financially detach from my parents. If I don’t, I can never grow because I have a soft cushy life to fall back on.

This is why I need to work hard, so I can escape from this comfortable hell of privileged leisure. Depression, anxiety, codependency and pain are all I’m going to gain from this.

I think the having to pay rent is a game changer. I’m going to get tired of it. I’m going to think working for my parents and paying rent is redundant. I’m paying them, and I have to work for them? This is bullshit. I’m ending working for them and just paying. And I’m also planning to move out so I don’t have to pay $400 to a void every month. A void which doesn’t pay back in the long run.

I’d rather pay $500 a month for a Tesla, live out of the Tesla, travel the country, visit thrift stores every day, list shit on eBay from thrift stores, stay at campsites, and live an exciting adventure life.

I’d have to downsize quite a bit. The biggest thing I’m not happy to downsize are my 3 monitors. Well technically it’s my laptop screen plus 2 monitors. I’d have to just go down to the laptop screen, which would mean my immersion and my productivity could suffer.

Immersion. Immersion into what? Immersion into the good life! The digital expanse of the internet!

Yeah that’s just an escape. An escape from my reality of mediocrity and self loathing, self hate, etc.

If this place is what makes me so ill, so mentally distraught, then I should welcome two fewer monitors! Two fewer monitors means less belongings, and more freedom!

It’s hard to give up shit.


Baby steps. Baby steps. I have to remind myself to take baby steps only. Anything else is too overwhelming!

Baby steps are… Meet with friends tonight and socialize over anime viewing. I’m going to get some gluten free pretzels to enjoy during the viewing. Maybe some chips for sharing, which I could use with vegan dip that I’ll make.

Next baby step is group therapy at 1PM on tuesday.

Next baby step is CoDA meeting on tuesday at 6PM.

Next baby step is video games with Matt on Tuesday at 8PM.

Tuesday is going to be a busy day!

I’m feeling depressed(5) today. I haven’t felt depressed for quite some time. I think it’s due to my worrying about money, and not eating well.

I haven’t ate well the past two days because I’m out of tomato sauce. I used ketchup instead of tomato sauce in my curry and it just hurt my stomach. I threw away a lot of food because of that.

I was too anxious(7) yesterday to stop at WinCo and restock my tomato sauce. It didn’t help that I was worrying about expenses as well.

I can’t keep buying food like I have been doing. I’m not profitable on eBay yet. Fuck my fuck.

Now I want to go back to bed. Not because I’m tired, but because I’m losing the will to be alive. I’m hungry. I don’t want to eat because I haven’t trained yet.

I haven’t been training well because there’s so much snow on the ground. Walking is very difficult. Running is even more difficult and downright dangerous. The path I’ve been walking around the firepit is all icy now due to me compacting the snow over and over. I fucking hate snow.

When I move out, I want to move south. South where it doesn’t snow. South where I can comfortably camp in a tent.

I’m such a loser! I can’t hold a job! I can’t even apply for the jobs I want! I’m such a fucking loser!

I can’t launch software products that have money making potential because I have some sort of mental block! I can’t promote myself because I’m depressed! I can’t work with clients because I hate myself and I hate people!

There’s only one person I like, and she’s an artificial, figment of my imagination.

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