Sat Jul 11 2020

Oh, shit. I might have made a mistake.

I spoke shame. I literally pat myself on the back because I spoke shame, and speaking shame is a quality that people with shame resilience have.

But now I think I might be having one of those hangovers… I can’t remember what they were called in the book. Shame hangover, was it?

I shared that I wanted to be more open to vulnerability with the Nerds United Discord… Speaking shame is good, but there are a lot of people in that Discord server! Everybody is going to read it and a lot of them are complete strangers!

I shared something very deep and scary with complete strangers… What did they do to deserve that?

I suppose I’ve seen positive and supportive conversation on the Discord server. It’s a rule to be respectful. Jason S. actually has done a whole lot to prove that he is a person I can open up to. He is incredibly genuine and has shared his own struggles with anxiety and depression. I trust Jason.

It’s the strangers that I’m concerned about.

Well, I suppose I haven’t shared too much. I think I’m trying to open up and foster love and belonging in Nerds United, so I think it’s a good thing that I did. My initial reaction to myself posting that message was positive. Like I said, I literally pat myself on the back because I did something that people with high levels of shame resilience are known for. I spoke shame and that is a good thing!

I think I’m starting to crash. I had a good evening at the gun range, I got excited, I opened up on the NU Discord and I made progress on my personal shame resilience. Now I’m coming down off of this social contact high and I think I will go to bed rather than do the thing that I’m feeling impulsive about.

I’m feeling impulsive about jumping in Squad and playing all night. I also feel impulsive about binge eating everything in my cupboards.

I really should not. I really had a good time but this is an emotional regulation thing that I can be really bad about. I can become so overjoyed that I lose control and do fun things to the point where I become exhausted and angry. Then I go into sadness and despair.

I had a good time tonight. But now it’s over and things can calm down and I can sleep and I can have another good day tomorrow. Now is not the time to go hog wild and play video games past the point of exhaustion.

I slept well but woke up at 7:30 exhausted. I turned my computer on just long enough to check my orders awaiting shipment. One order of an old inverter, and it would be a fast pack. I turned my computer off and went back to sleep for about an hour.

I woke up at 8:30 and packed and shipped. The inverter was just the right size to fit into a flat rate envelope, which meant I could send it for $6.94. A success right there!

I walked the package out to the mailbox and deposited it into the box. No incoming letters this morning. I rolled the trash bin back to the house, and on the way I saw a neighbor. I struggled to keep myself calm. I struggled to prevent my face from making a strained smile and trying to please.

I just reminded myself that I don’t owe my neighbor anything. I don’t owe them a happy demeanor. It’s okay for me to feel whatever I’m feeling and present the genuine version of myself in that moment.

I kept walking and avoided eye contact.

I’ve got myself into a predicament. I have no trash bags, and I can’t possibly spend money to buy new trash bags.

Just the other day, I also threw away all my shopping bags. I had a huge store of shopping bags in a cabinet, and now they’re all gone. I feel so silly for not leaving a handful of them.

It made sense at the time to throw them all out. I almost never use the shopping bags that I hold onto. They almost always pile up and simply waste storage space.

Now I’m in this bind where I have one shopping bag which I’m using as a garbage bag. It’s almost full and I’m not sure what I’m going to use as a garbage bag after that’s topped off.


My finances are in a bad place. This morning I just had two more Buyee bids go through. One was $77, the other was $10. I have over extended my product acquisitions to a dangerous level.

Yikeroni. I feel so guilty. I have made these mistakes and now I have to make a bunch of money by the end of the month if I am to stay in business.

Around $300 is getting pulled from my paypal in four days to cover eBay fees. Then there’s my phone bill for $45. Then I have $400 rent at the end of the month. This is going to be difficult, but I am not going to make any excuses. I’m going to seize that green, and ensure that this party bus keeps driving!

Yeah, party bus! This business is a party bus!

I’m happy to have made the $77 acquistion. That was for a Precious Memories Hatsune Miku Part 2 booster box. Those booster boxes are incredibly rare, and I will easily make back the money plus profit.

I need more acquisitions like that. Just at a more predictable rate and one at which doesn’t sink my business.

I cancelled the remaining three sniper bids that I had queued. Unfortunately I’m going to miss out on a Sakura Cardcaptor starter deck, but it’s not like I don’t have one of those already. I won an auction for one of those earlier this week, for a cool $15.42.

I need as many of those starter decks as possible, given how rare those are as well.

No excuses. I’m going to make the money. I’ll use bitcoin money if I have to.

I’ve noticed this issue that I seem to have been repeating every month. I’m using lifelines every month in order to keep going. I pulled money out of the stock market. I sold my Suburban. At some point, the lifelines are going to run out.

If I am to succeed in this business, I can’t use lifelines all the time. The business has to stand on it’s own.

So right now, I’m going to get to work. I’m going to list until I can list no longer. I’m going to repeat this every day until I have my allotted 1000 listings. When I get a sale, I will list a new item. 1000 is my target and I’m going to stick to that count like a magnet.

I’m going to price items to sell. I’m going to create enticing photos and meaningful promotional campaigns. I’m going to strive to post quality tweets, not quantity like I seem to be targeting right now.

I’m going to figure out a way to have free trash bags for this month. Perhaps I will ask my mom for some of her spare shopping bags. As a last resort, I will use boxes as garbage bags.

I am not going to buy any food which is not covered by food stamps. This means that I’m going to have to be uncomfortable for a few days. I’m going to have to eat rice and beans for awhile.

My last food assistance money should arrive in 8 days. I should have enough food in my pantry to last me at least that long.

This is crazy. I was eating so well up until today. I had apples and peanut butter on hand every day, and I felt great eating those and occasionally oatmeal.

I don’t want to go a week without fresh apples! I want to eat well and feel well!

I have to do it though. I have to keep this show on the road. I have to do the hard thing because of the situation I am in.

No excuses! I’m going to rake in that green!

Had some breakfast. Oatmeal, cherries, peanut butter. Altogehter, it was about the size of 1 1/2 closed fists. I gotta ration my food!

On to the next thing… CoDA! (sure why not?)

CoDA 30q

#13a Discuss surrender and letting go of your controlling and avoidance behaviors.

Umm… Surrender has a lot to do with chilling the fuck out. Surrendering means letting go of the need to control the situation. Surrendering means relaxing.

I think of the times when I go outside and I see a neighbor. I tense up in my shoulders and my belly. I feel the need to force a smile and I feel like I owe the person my undivided attention and support.

I feel the desire to turn around and run home and hide. I feel like I’m intruding on their day and that to be seen by them is a nuisance.

What a silly mix of emotions to feel when I encounter another person! I feel the urge to run, but I also feel the urge to stay and please them.

The reality is that I don’t need to run. I deserve to walk to the mailbox and go about my day. I don’t owe my neighbor anything. If we happen to cross paths, I can acknowledge them and say hi, just like I do when I come across people on the Appleway trail.

I don’t have to force myself to put on a smile or be in a good mood. I’m okay where I’m at. I don’t exist to please my neighbor and it’s okay to feel however I’m feeling.

Letting go of controlling and avoidance behaviors starts with being mindful. If I am mindful and I observe myself trying to control a situation, I can reprogram my brain to let go of whatever it is that I’m trying to do to. Maybe that means doing nothing where I would have previously done something.

As far as avoidance behaviors, I suppose it’s the opposite. Start with mindfulness, and observe myself doing nothing in order to avoid. When that happens, I would do something instead.

For example, say I’m at a board game group and I feel the urge to avoid a conversation by staying quiet even though I have something to add to the conversation. By observing the fact that I am choosing to stay quiet, I can change the avoidance behavior by changing my mind and saying something.

#13b How can feelings be resolved? How can you emotionally detach from those on whom you compulsively rely?

I don’t know what this question means when it says, “how can feelings be resolved.” What feelings? Feelings of codependency?

Emotional detachment is tricky. I suppose that this is again something where mindfulness plays a part. To change the feelings I first have to observe myself having the feelings.

Detachment is difficult in a lot of areas in life. Detachment can leave a void, which I would want to fill with a replacement of some sort. Like if I detached from eating processed sugar, I would probably still crave sweet things. I suppose I could eat more fruit which might be better than eating refined sugar.

I think addictions are similar. I gave up my addiction to surfing the net in exchange for an addiction to work. I gave up my addiction to masturbation to an addiction to exercise.

I think that might not be true anymore. I think I have done a lot of good work on practicing moderation. I think at first I might have done a straight swap between addictions, but now I’m getting in touch with myself to the point where I don’t feel the need to binge on this or that.

I think I have a lot of coping skills now that really help me diffuse whatever shame and anger that would have simply built up in the past.

I don’t know if I can call myself a workaholic. I work a lot, but I don’t work to the point where it causes regular problems with my sleep schedule like my video game addiction had done in the past.

Have I learned moderation? I’m not sure what to call it, but I’m grateful to have made this improvement in my life.

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