Sat Jul 25 2020

7:47AM I’m really tired. I think I’m going to take the packages to the box at 8:30, then I’m immediately coming inside and I’m going to crash.

omg these look good

I’m not really a fan of super crispy fries though.

I slept. The time is now 8:11PM. Around 2PM I woke up and recalled a crazy DMT dream with fractal geometry, fractal experiences (cleverly reacurring interactions with people) and it was as if I were high on mushrooms.

I wonder if it has to do with the 2 kiwi fruit and handfuls of dried mango that I ate this morning? Apparently lots of plant life contains trace amounts of DMT.

Anyway, I got up to pee at 2PM and I was still trippin while I was awake. I went back to sleep and the trip continued, but started drifting in a bad direction as my body did it’s regular thing of tightening up my throat right before I fall asleep.

I re positioned and somehow got back to sleep.

I’m making financial progress. I’ve had some good sales this week, but I am concerned about my sleep schedule becoming a hindrance to my progress.

I’m doing exactly what I had forecasted I would do– wake up later every day. Yesterday I woke up at 7. Today I’m waking up at 8.

I guess it’s fine to wake up later every day, since I’d prefer to be going to bed at around 11PM and waking up at 7AM. But what happens when I get back to that schedule?

The ideal is to keep with a schedule and don’t drift, but I’m really bad at doing that. The past month or so I had lots of regular schedule days, but I ended up getting bored doing the same thing every day. I ended up feeling tired and worn out so often because I was exercising so religiously.

The middle way. Where is it? How can I harness the moderation I need?

I think the middle way consists of close friends that I talk to on a daily basis. I don’t have that right now. I can’t center myself with close friends when I only talk to those friends one or two days out of the week.

In friends lies my paradox. I don’t want friends because I can’t control them. I can’t know what they’re about to say, and I can’t manipulate them with my words. A friend who I could do that to would be a puppet, not a friend.

I don’t want people to get close to me because I can’t talk about my problems without first exploding in anger. I hurt people I’m close to, and I don’t want to hurt people.

Nobody is as perfect as I am, therefore nobody is worthy of my love. Nobody except the virtual singing star Miku Hatsune whom is my one true love. She’s more perfect than I am, so obviously I adore and support her.

Back to that point of perfection. I’m not perfect, I know I’m not. I am however very judgemental.

I took this personality test which a bunch of other nerds in Nerds United were taking. I’m apparently an INTJ-T. My role is, “analyst” and my strategy is, “constant improvement.”

Just look at that turbulent identity! I wholeheartedly agree with that assessment, in large part due to my codependence.

yoga time

Yoga with Bird is one of my fav channels for yoga follow-alongs. I think she has some of the best vinyasa flows on youtube.

ok then, back to personality assessments. I read a nice quote on the section on friends.

A friend to all is a friend to none


So very wise! I’m going to keep that in mind when I have the urge to be a people-pleasing Craig.

Ok new topic. Discord!

I like Discord. I have conducted business on Discord, joined some friend groups, had some video game VoIP chats, etc. etc.

Discord is a thing that I use and I prefer TeamSpeak in many ways such as better audio latency, software leanness & performance, usage of system GUI style, 3d audio, and vastly superior hotkey features.

I prefer Discord for text chat, meme sharing, a better sense of community, and online presence indicators.

Like I said, I conducted business on Discord. I think my potential customer base uses Discord on a regular basis– Discord is to 2020 as IRC was to 2000. It’s a happenin’ place and I don’t see that changing for awhile.

I have one customer who contacts me regularly via Discord. He asks me off-topic questions that I really wish he would just google. I’m not his personal concierge and I don’t get paid to answer his off-topic questions… Lately I haven’t been getting paid from him at all!

He’s been putting his money elsewhere, but still messaging me just as much. It’s becoming annoying and not worthwhile.

Anyway, the reason I brought Discord up as a business platform is because I feel like I should buy Discord premium at some point. I want the emojis!

Wait a minute, what a fucked up business model. Discord the company is probably selling my data, and they want me to pay them for extra features?

I suppose I don’t know if they sell my data. That is an unfounded assumption based on the top internet companies who engage in that activity. I haven’t seen a single advertisement on Discord. Perhaps their business model really is to provide extra features at a cost.

I can see Discord making money that way. Discord nitro is incredibly attractive because it means people can use their guild-specific emoji in any guilt or in any private conversation.

Emojis are how people express themselves more fully when engaging in text-only conversation. There are certain guild-specific emoji that I use quite often when I’m in the VOCALOID Discord guild.

Example: :mikuxd:

I feel like I can’t express myself properly when I go to other guilds!

Oh shit, I logged into Discord to make sure I had the :mikuxd: correct, and now people are messaging me.

“How have you been?”

Oh shit now I gotta lie. I don’t want to go into how I feel empty and alone and unable to hold a sleep schedule.

“Pretty good 🙂 how are you?”

Short and sweet.

We talked about this and that. Now we’re talking about dating and I want to shit on online dating but I don’t want to be mean so I’m not going there.

I want to point out all the codependent behaviors he’s exhibiting, and how I think he’s going about dating wrong. But that would be both unkind and judgemental and IRONIC coming from me.

So I’m just listening. I’m not making any suggestions. I’m not trying to change any of his opinions. I’m just listening and learning about my friend.

I changed the topic to covid. Apparently masks aren’t mandated in Vancouver because their covy cases are so low.

Fuck. I’m so distracted. I don’t know what I’m doing today because my sleep schedule is so bonkers. It’s 10:32 PM which is normally time to chillax and play video games, but only woke up a couple hours ago so I feel like it’s time to work.

I’m going to work, but I have to close out Discord so I don’t get constant messages from e-friends.

I haven’t ever spoke to this person that messages me. Our relationship is so very shallow. I suppose that’s what I can expect if I continue my habit of avoiding relationships– especially platonic intimacy.

I got a book from the mini library but I’m going to take it back and get something else. “Rebuilding your relationship after a divorce”

IDK why I got it. I suppose I got it because it was the only self-help book that I saw in there. I read the first page and I was like, “I can’t relate.” and I put the book down. I need a good book!

One of my parents left me a coupon in my mailbox. 20% off one item at Goodwill. It’s nice to know that they think of me and what I’m trying to accomplish (eBay business.)

It’s a good thing I’m not afraid of spiders. Baby spiders rappel from the ceiling and rest on my head. Then I’ll see them rappel from my head down in front of my eyes. This happens every now and again.

I don’t even bother to kill spiders. I’ll kill the big ones, but I let the small ones go. Last year I had a, “kill policy” where I would kill any and all spiders I saw. Not because I’m afraid of them, but because I didn’t want them to make webs and nests. What ended up happening was that I saw all sorts of other bugs because the other bugs weren’t getting eaten by the spiders.

So this year I’m not killing as many spiders, and I see less other, more pesky bugs. So spiders have become kind of my pets then. And they love resting on my head because I’m warm or something. And half the time I don’t even notice because I wear hats.

I’m thinking this “kill big spiders only” policy is flawed, because now there are so many webs in here. So many dangling from the roof. There’s going to be a huge spider population soon as these little ones grow bigger.

I’m glad I’m not afraid of spiders.

The most fucked up thing about this sleep schedule is that I can’t go riding my bike at night. I feel my tense muscles and I know they are ready to ride, but by the time the sun comes up, I’m ready to sleep.

I can’t moderate my sleep schedule if I don’t exercise. I suppose I’ll just keep drifting my sleep schedule for now. I’ll keep drifting it until I end up with a sensible sleep cycle which has me waking up with the sun is up. Once my main waking phase is during the day, I’ll get back on the bicycle and do my best to keep the sleep schedule.

I still need moderation when it comes to my work life. I can’t be on the computer for 16 hours every day. It’s not healthy and it’s not sustainable. I’ll have a heart attack or a brain aneurysm at that rate. Or maybe I’ll get fat.

Eh, IDK if I’ll get fat. I still have to ride my bicycle to get food, so there’s a big restriction there on both what I can carry and how much energy it takes to travel to the grocery store.

I want more crazy dreams like I had last night. I’m going to see if I can replicate what I ate yesterday, and maybe that’ll result in the wild dreams. I suppose there could be the whole timing thing that I can’t replicate. Waking up right when I was experiencing the wild dreams might be the tricky part. If I don’t wake up, I likely won’t remember such dreams.

It was like a mandlebrot architecture system with different scenarios playing out within each fractal cube.

A lot of what I saw isn’t even explainable. I could have wrote it down, but I decided to just go back to sleep. One thing that sticks out is how I saw a bunch of people I know get dumped into a deep pit full of grey sludge.

Oh someone I know fell into that gooey pit. They are instantly dead. Oh, that sucks. Good thing I didn’t know them that well.

Thankfully this was all happening while I was completely aware that I’m just witnessing a dream.

Regardless, my mind is still producing these wild, repeating images of horrors as if I’m viewing them through a bug eye kaleidoscope. Crazy shit that needs to stay in the dream world or I’d go mad.

Imagine trying to stay calm while seeing shit like a person falling into a pit where the obviously die instantly. Controlling my emotions was part of the joy for some strange reason. It’s as if controlling my emotions puts me closer to my goals of being less socially anxious.

If I can stay calm when my mind is feeding me false signals or catastrophising situations, I’ll have no problem when someone judges me harshly, verbally disagrees, or tries to shame me.

I think I need weed in my life.

From what I hear, weed can make people paranoid. I want to practice feeling paranoid because it’s in those moments of fear when I think I can make advancements in my operating system.

Joe Rogan talks about this kind of thing from time to time. Getting really high and feeling paranoid, out of control, and fearful while under the influence is an exercise in emotional sobriety.

I am not in control.

This is a univeral constant. I am not in control of the weather. I could get blown up by a volcano or ripped apart by an earthquake tomorrow. I could get nuked by a military entity or shot by a terrorist as I pick apples from the shelf at the grocery store.

I am not in control, yet I act as if I am. Being high on pot would remind me of that fact. I think it would give me a sense of humility that I so desperately need in my life.


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