Sat Nov 21 2020

I feel stuck when it comes to disagreeing with popular opinion. Everything seems to get politicized to where there is correct sentiment (inline with government) and incorrect sentiment (dissident).

Even if it’s in regards to what I see as a morally wrong law, I have trouble speaking up about it.

Further, there’s a rule on almost every online community I belong to where it’s a bannable offence to discuss illegal topics.

Where is the free speech in online communities? Do I really have to visit the darkweb for such a thing?

Ok here’s an example.

(Scott) Gemedet posts this article about Inslee locking down the state (again)

What I want to say is, “Fuck the lockdowns, it’s not everybody’s job to protect everyone else from their micro organisms. We’re doing more harm than good with these lockdowns, ruining everybody’s immune systems through non-exposure, ruining the economy, ruining debt, ruining mental health. The lockdowns need to end and 100% of everything needs to reopen. Lockdown if you’re scared, but fuck you for trying to restrict my freedom for this long and fuck you for asserting your fake-ass \”authority\”.”

But to say that is potentially a bannable offense.

No that’s a bad example. I don’t think that would be bannable. The bannable thing I’m thinking about is saying is,

I think it’s time to exercise civil disobedience

Notes from CoDA meeting this morning.

Fear of other people’s reactions

fear masquerades as truth

Weasel Words

“I’m not sure”

“I guess”

“I’m sorry”

… when I’m not

I dishonor myself when I use dishonest communication

When I can say no without feeling guilty, a major step in recovery has been made.

Bargaining Patterns

Coda Prayer– what is it?


I’m off to the bike hub! Just got a newsletter which says, 50% off labor! I’m using that right now! And then I’m going to my sister Kelly’s house for lunch. K tnx bai!

4:42 PM. I didn’t go to the bike hub, because I didn’t plan ahead and schedule enough time for the bike ride there and a walk to my sister’s house. I was so excited that I didn’t leave on time. I rode my bike straight to my sister’s house and we had a wonderful lunch.

A. showed up as well, and we had a wonderful lunch and talked for about 3 hours. We talked about Animal Crossing, Christmas plans, and our Covy frustrations. E. was cleaning the garage and basement and placing desks and stools and things on the street to give away for free. A small family drove by and took it all.

K. was so generous. She prepared for me two beyond meat vegan cheeseburgers with gluten free buns and all the trimmings. I am just so not used to this generocity and kindness. It really was lovely to be there with my sisters and share the time together.

A. left to go get her car oil changed, and I stayed and chatted for about an hour with K. and E. E. showed me some of his boy toys– Dewalt power tools and electric lawn maintenance machines. It’s so interesting to me how Dewalt makes a line of real, quality products that share batteries, and other companies do similarly. There’s a vendor lock-in aspect to the batteries, and all the big brands seem to have compelling lines that are attractive.

E. had a big pile of junk that he was getting together, trying to let go for a couple bucks here and there. It was funny how persistent he was at trying to get A. to take the cat accessories that K. & E.’s cat rejected.

E. was wheelin’ and dealin’, with people showing up every so often to buy things he had listed on FB marketplace.

E. took off to his mom’s house, and with the setting sun, I decided it was time for me to go as well. K. was determined to have me depart with a bunch of vegan delicacies, as she tends to do. I ended up with a backpack full of oatmeal pouches, vegan meat replacers, vegan cheese sticks, and vegetables. A. left me some fruit leather, as well!

I was planning on stopping by the grocery store on the way home, but my backpack was just about as full as it could get. I got a small plastic organizer drawer as well, which I have a few of that I used for storing small poly bags.

Such a haul! I felt the love for sure.

I remembered something my therapist told me, which is that I can ask for a hug if I want one. And I wanted one before I left. I asked for a hug and as soon as I did, I felt a rush of emotion. I couldn’t talk because I felt like crying. K could tell something was up and she asked what. I barely held back the tears but I got out, “happy tears.”

I think she understood. We have been texting via Twitter DMs lately, and we both expressed some frustration with the recent government mandates. I was really excited for this lunch and I was so happy it happened and that I could spend time with my siblings.

I’ve been really lonely, and I miss all the social events that I had before covy. Group therapy in person. Board game group in person. Zoom and Discord are the poorest of substitutes, and I hope the fearful can get over covy sooner rather than later. I hope we can soon live free as the social creatures we are.

Well, I think this is something that brings up the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

I can’t change this situation or a majority of people’s perception. I can change myself, and relocate to a place where the local law enforcement doesn’t have free reign to penalize people who are acting peacefully. Idaho is calling my name.

This morning I looked up apartments in Post Falls and Coeur d’Alene. I found a couple studio apartments that are in the $560 per month range. That’s $160 more than I pay now, but I’m just imagining all the extra benefits that such a domicile would afford me. Independence from my parents. Independence from Washington State law. A place which likely has a dedicated staff to shovel the walkways during winter. A place that I don’t have to worry about who’s responsibility it is to paint the exterior walls or fix the broken attic vent…

It’s little things, and they all seem attractive. There would also be downsides. I’d have close neighbors who could be noisy. I’d likely have to pay utility bills that would be new to me. I’d also have to figure out how to commute to Spokane when I want to see my family. A car might be a new prerequisite, one which I think is highly undesirable at this point.

I’m going to wrap this up for now. On the ride home, I was thinking to myself that today would be a perfect time to die. If I died, I would end my life at such a high point. I felt loved, and I spent my final moments doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.

Spending time with loved ones, making new memories and learning about my siblings and extended family. Riding and feeling wonderful as I challenge and exercise my body. Full and satiated from a delectable lunch prepared with love. Pure happiness.

Affy & Gratty

10. I am here in this moment because I’ve done exactly what I’ve wanted to do. There are people who love me, and it’s okay to keep going.

I’m grateful for lunch. Hot damn those vegan burgers were delishious!

I’m grateful that I got to see both sisters today. I wasn’t expecting A. until I got to K.’s house, and it was the best of surprises. I’m grateful to see her because she is an inspiration to me and I enjoy her company. More get togethers, pl0x!

I’m grateful to be alive in this time. I got to see the birth of the internet, and all the world-altering attributes of such a network. I’m grateful to see the advent of electric bicycles… That brings up another story from today!

I was peddling up a hill on Evergreen on my way home. Then I hear something over my right shoulder. It’s an older couple zooming up the hill on the sidewalk on pristine looking electric bikes!

Holy shit, my dude! I couldn’t help but laugh aloud. I never thought I’d see the day where I was lapped on the uphill by a pair who look older than my parents! I love technology, and I love that electric bicycles are a thing.

The local bike shop seems to really love them too– E-bikes are prominently displayed near the shop’s entrance.

I get to live in this time with electric bicycles, and SpaceX Big Fucking Rockets (Starships.) I get to sit back and take in the news from dozens of journalists who are DIYing their own video publications by way of youtube, twitter, etc. WOW. I love this time! I wouldn’t trade it for anything.



Industrial Technological Bustling!

~~~ @ 1

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