This message is coming to you from outer space

just kidding.

So um yeah I um yeah

I did some meditation this morning from https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

I did the 18 minute one entitled, “Compassionate Friend” (mirror)

I struggled with this one because I had a hard time visualizing a compassionate friend. I have spent a lot of my recent years avoiding making friends because of how I have hurt friends in the past. I used a different meditation in the moments that I was struggling. The meditation that I learned a couple days ago from that same page entitled, “Self Compassion Break” (mirror)

I’m mirroring these files because I think they are important. It’s a silly thing to jump straight to copyright law when thinking of these things. That’s kind of what my brain is doing right now because of how youtube has crammed that bullshit down everyone’s throats because of the entrenched, traditional music industry being such a troll.

Anyway, embrace the mirror. It means that the content is good and that I want it to be propagated. I don’t even know if https://self-compassion.org/ is going to be around in the future. What if the owners of that website passed away, and the server payment lapsed and the website went dark?

What if I was the only one in the world who downloaded the files and had a copy? What if someone remembered hearing the meditations, and wanted to hear them again? If they go searching for the content and find it on my blog, I wouldn’t be a pirate in that case, I’d be a savior.

Saviors of precious data is the image that I have of myself and people like myself who copy without permission works that are meaningful.

Information deserves to be shared. If you don’t agree, I think that idea should stay in your head where you actually have control over it.

I went off on a tangent.

The point I was trying to make was that I used a meditation technique to get through a difficult meditation technique.

I cried again. I’m crying a lot lately, and that’s not a bad thing.

It means I’m getting closer to wearing my heart on my shoulder– being open with my emotions and what I’m feeling. I like that I am wearing my heart on my shoulder. I know that connection and belonging are going to come from this. I know that I can get over the persistent loneliness that I feel, and be part of a circle of friends who really cares about me.

I know that I can find a lover, too. I know that a good relationship will depend on me being honest and open about my feelings.

Yesterday I went to North Town Mall with my mom. I could probably write a whole journal entry about this event and I think that’s what I could use right about now, because I was feeling an emotional hangover from that event. I felt regret and shame for having opened up to my mom about my feelings. Regret for being vulnerable and telling her about how my therapy is going. Shame for appearing weak. Shame for having a panic attack in a crowded place and dealing with it poorly.

Ok let’s take this step by step. From the top, in chronological order.

Yesterday morning started with me picking and packing 4 trading card orders. I walked them to the mailbox, then walked outside for about an hour.

I showered, shaved, did a short meditation, then I got dressed and went to my parent’s house. My mom was preparing a crock-pot dinner and she was wrapping it up. She seemed rushed given how I was ready to go at 10:30 as we had planned earlier this week, but she was not ready.

I was feeling hungry, and anxious. My brain felt like it was without energy, which was not surprising given how I had yet to eat breakfast or take vitamins. I was sitting there quietly, answering her smalltalk questions with one word answers. In the moment, I realized that I was being quiet and not reciprocating the conversation to conserve energy. I was also being quiet because I was anxious about going to the mall, and anxious about riding in the car with my mom (more on that later.)

I cracked open my sugar free Red Bull and drank it all. I knew that similarly to the recent Nerds United Halloween meetup, I would need some brain energy to function properly.

So about the fasting. I get nervous before I go to physical events. I often get so nervous that I become constipated. When I get constipated and I’m out and about, that feeling is almost certain to ruin my day. I feel physical pain, I feel frustration for not being able to go, I feel regret for having eaten anything, and I shame spiral.

A recent trend which I have found helpful is to fast and exercise. Fasting ensures that my bowels are empty, exercising gives me energy by sending my body into ketosis where it feeds on stored fat rather food material in my stomach.

Today I had a light walk, which probably didn’t trigger ketosis. I was hungry almost immediately after the walk, but I didn’t eat.

This later bit me in the butt because I ran out of the brain energy that the Red Bull gave me. More on that in a bit, but something I need to remember is that Red Bull gives me wings, but it’s not a meal replacer.

Cyclic fasting works wonders for me, but only if I do it correctly– the exercise is as important as the fast.

On Halloween, I walked 2.1 miles to the nearest bus stop, rode busses for 2 hours where I had lots of time to close my eyes and rest, then I walked to the Northtown Mall food court where I then drank a sugar free Red Bull.

Yesterday, I walked maybe a mile, then drank a sugar free Red Bull.

The first scenario was a success. The second example, not so much.

My mom drove her car. I don’t have a car anymore. My mom seemed very anxious. I could tell from her body language and apparent tension that she was feeling anxious.

She made a mistake driving that could have been a lot worse than it was. She drove the wrong way in what she thought was a turn lane, but was actually a turn lane for the other direction of traffic only.

So the yellow lines are concrete barriers. As she was made the turn, I got tense and fearful. “That’s not a turn!” I said. I don’t have any issue with how I said that. I wasn’t mean or angry about it, I was urgently cautious.

Anyway, she made the turn into a parking lot, which was not even Northtown Mall lol. She seemed upset and ashamed about the mistake and she said things like, “I should have had you drive!”

Up until we got to the mall, I was feeling so confident. I was energized from the energy drink, I had anxiety level zero.

So about my mom feeling bad for the mistake. I didn’t know what to say in that moment. Now as I think back on it, I remember Brene Brown’s book I thought it was just me. In that book, I remember that there’s a part about empathy. I also remember that silly video with the animated animals. “I don’t know what to say but thank you so much for telling me.” Empathy, you know?

In that moment, I was not there for her. I wish I would have said something like, “It’s okay, it could have happened to anyone.”

side note. “I wish I would have” is kinda like, “I should have” which is part of the unhelpful thinking strategies, shoulding and musting.

Anyway, She handed me her phone and had me navigate for her. That’s another thing she was trying to do on her own earlier. She was using her phone while she drove which is a huge no-no in my book. I thought she was texting but I think she was actually looking up directions. If I had known she needed directions I could have helped, but I had no idea she needed them.

Ok so we got to the Mall. The parking lot she turned into was Burlington on N. Division. It’s that large strip mall with Guitar Center… Not northtown LOL. Anyway, Northtown is like a couple blocks away, and we got there okay.

So we parked near the Blue zoo and we went inside. Both of us learned that there’s a library in the mall now. I needed to use the bathroom so we went to the restrooms before we went to the aquarium.

My mom paid, we got our wrist bands, I was feeling so confident and free and anxiety free. We looked at a bunch of exotic sea creatures in tanks, then we got to the stingray /manta ray(???) whatever and my mom had some tokens that she redeemed for food to feed the stingrays. I didn’t want to feed them but I just ended up with this cup of chopped up shrimp which was for the stingrays.

I just caught myself making an excuse. I said, “I didn’t want to feed them but I just ended up with…”

No that’s not how that works. If I really didn’t want to feed them, I should have said so. The shrimp didn’t just magically appear in my hands, I had to reach out my hand an accept it. I just used an external locus of control and that is not accurate to reality.

Fuck!

Ok so there’s that. I’m vegan, remember? The whole idea of an aquarium is somewhat repulsive to me. I don’t express it, but I think it and I feel it.

I had reservations of going to the aquarium in the first place. I did so because I wanted to spend time with my family.

Anyway, these are things that I need to think of more. No, I need to act on these thoughts more, not just have them stir around in my head.

So yeah, I was feeling disgusted with feeding and petting the stingrays. They have slimy skin. Their form and motion through fluid reminds me of the human body’s immune system. These creatures deserve to have a life where they aren’t people’s entertainment, where they aren’t touched by thousands of hands and given a tank to live in.

Grr, there’s so many counter arguments to what I’m saying. I know that. I get it. If you love animals and care for them and give them a great home, you have the potential to create a far better life for them from what they can get in the wild. I get it. I respect the respectful hunter for getting meat in the most humane way possible… But it’s not for me and I’m going to whine about it.

I’m whining. I’m not whining. I’m saying that I was disgusted. It’s a physical sensation and it doesn’t have to be logical.

It could be because I’m a germaphobe. It could be because there were dozens of rat bastard kids in the room also feeding the stingrays. It could be that I was just fucking uncomfortable because there were so many other people at the aquarium.

My disgust was definitely attributable to the cup of slaughtered shrimp in my hand.

Now I’m just being melodramatic.

I was grossed out by the cold meat in my hand, truly, but the way I’m wording this makes it sound like I’m militant about this shit.

Why am I covering my butt so much? I don’t want to cover my butt. I don’t want everyone to like me. I want to have an opinion that is uniquely mine, and I want to be authentic. I am spending so much energy on arguing different points that don’t even represent the point I’m trying to make.

Yes, I can see things from lots of viewpoints, but I’m using that skill to the point where I’m not making a point. LOL that sounds funny.

Anyway, I wanted to be done feeding the stingrays after shrimp #2. And I had 4 or 5. Meanwhile, my mom was having a great time. She had a big smile and she was breaking up her shrimp into smaller pieces so she could feed them more. In hindsight, I would have pleased both of us if I had simply handed off my remaining shrimp to my mom!!!

Ok so anyway, there was a handwashing station there. We washed our hands before feeding the stingrays, and I quickly washed my hands after. I felt so relieved to be done feeding them, and hoped that there were no more animals to feed.

I was wrong. There was a fucking walk-in bird cage that looked like a prison cell. I didn’t want to go in, but again, I played along because my mom seemed to be having a good time.

Fuck, I see it so clearly now. I was being codependent from the stingrays to the bird cage. I stopped communicating my feelings the moment we walked into the Blue zoo, and I suffered greatly because of that.

I sat on a bench in the walk-in bird cage and I realized that it was covered in bird shit.

I stood up and I stood in the corner as other people came into the cage to see the birds.

The fucking birds were all resting. My mom bought bird seed and offered me some. This time I declined. She tried to feed them food and I just stood there, becoming increasingly anxious as the effects of the sugar free Red Bull wore off.

I started to shame spiral as I thought of how I didn’t fit in with the crowds of moms and their children. I am 6′ 4″, super thin, dressed in all black with a black beanie and carrying a backpack.

I didn’t want to wear all black. Black is just the shade that makes up most of my wardrobe. Black is a physical artifact from a time when I was depressed and I wanted to hide. Black no longer suits me, but all I was thinking about was how intimidating I must have looked to everyone there.

Detective work! My body language makes up a big part of my appearance. My body language expressed confidence, as I stood upright with my back straight and my shoulders back. I put effort into this, and nobody said anything about my appearance or behaved fearfully or intimidated around me.

Except for my mom, maybe. Maybe she was nervous because of how I was dressed. I cannot know this, so I cannot assume that this is the case.

Ok so moving on.

There was a large playground consisting of a pirate ship, animated table top water feature, and some other kid bullshit that I didn’t take a look at. It was loud. Kids were screaming and having a good time. Parents were corralling their kids. I was overwhelmed.

I wished the aquarium was over, but there was an entire other room with reptiles. I could see through the door and it looked like a room packed with kids. My mom started towards it, then realized that I wasn’t following. “Do you want to go in?”

I had had enough, I was overwhelmed and hungry and ashamed. “Noope!” She continued on, and I stayed next to the Tarantuals. I wasn’t sure what to do. I figured I’d just wait till she left the reptile room, but eventually I pretended to look at creatures in tanks long enough to where I figured I’d just leave.

I went to the food court of the mall, intending to eat the oatmeal in my backpack. Yes I was wise enough to bring oatmeal. No I was not practiced enough to remember the spoon!

I didn’t want to ask a restaurant for a free spoon. I would felt guilty about not paying for anything. I was devoted to having a zero fast-food budget, so I didn’t budge on that.

I went back near the aquarium and found a seat. I texted my mom that I was near the library.

I knew I was hungry. It was obvious. I knew that exactly what I needed to regulate my emotions was food. My mom eventually found me and I told her that I felt anxious and disgusted and hungry. We went to the food court where she got a burger and a root beer float. She got me a spoon and I ate my oatmeal and drank my water.

We did some browsing at the Comic Book Store and a game & calendar store. My mom bought some stuff. I just oogled at all the cool stuff, like oversized playing cards, Sailor Moon playing cards, dozens of Uno variants, nerf guns…

Then we went home. We talked for like an hour and a half about all sorts of stuff. How I’ve been in therapy for a year, how SpaceX is about to launch Starship SN8, how COVID-19 is affecting our lives… I made progress on expressing my opinion that I think the lockdowns were an over-reaction.

Anyway… I’ve spent 1.5 hours writing today, so I’m going to wrap this up. I wrote about the most pressing emotional struggles, and what I’m most bothered by. I have experienced a great relief by writing these things, and I have learned a little more about myself.

I know that my mistake was when I started avoiding opportunities to express myself. When my mom bought tokens to buy animal food, I could have said, “I don’t want to feed the animals”

When she asked if I wanted to go in the bird cage, I could have said, “no I don’t want to go in there.”

Shit birds.

I’m with Ironmouse on that… Fuck birds! I’ll look at them in awe from a far, but I don’t want anything to do with them other than that!

91. I make a difference in the world.
92. I allow myself to take a break and do something I enjoy.
93. I can show kindness to others.

Oh one more thing that I realized. I did well by speaking shame. I did that slightly when I talked to my mom. I talked about the shame I feel by appearing weak. Also I would like to recognize the success of saying what I was feeling shortly after I left the aquarium.

The next step I would like to make towards my goal of mental mastery and minimizing the social anxiety that I feel is to express those feelings before the become a problem. Again, it’s not my job to make people happy or do what they want so I can hope that they be happy. It’s my job to make me happy and to treat myself compassionately.

I’m grateful for the reflection of yesterday’s events that I have done.

I’m grateful for the meditation that I did this morning.

I’m grateful for the 3 orders that I fulfilled this morning. May November and December be profitable months for me, so I can continue on my quest to bring Prememo to the USA, enrich my life, and live my dreams.

Oh I just realized that I missed CoDA. Whoops! Ok well I’ll try again next week. I’ll set a timer now, so I don’t forget next time.

Excelsior and Opportunity!