Sat Oct 10 2020

4:51 AM. So far today, I have done today’s ebay listings, Prememo rulebook translation, 3 sesssions of yoga, and picked and packed.

I listened to the pre-recorded Ironmouse stream from last night in which she revealed this R18 sexxy rap which was previously a Patreon exclusive.

Hot damn! I added this to IPFS. CID QmeNUbTbgki99MYba6TvwtvCjnVUknTeMN9EbwqPZ7kDB2.

While I’m at it, here’s some more sexy Ironmouse content!

IPFS CID Qmd29Dsgjep7gNoe1YMWgN5fqhs5vyKBafQKQ6Zf75EWLk

Who knows if the IPFS hashes will ever be used. I can dream thought, right?

Actually I’m 100% sure that IPFS has a bright future. I am 100% sure that the internet will depend heavily on IPFS at some point.

It’s really hard to communicate to people the value that IPFS gives. So many large companies spend millions of dollars setting up geographically spread content delivery networks, but with IPFS there’s a CDN that doesn’t require datacenters. (People are putting IPFS nodes in datacenters but that’s not my point)

Yesterday I coomed so hard while I was watching Miku hentai on Iwara. I haven’t coomed in what must have been a week, and the load that I shot came gushing out of me almost as effortlessly like water. I haven’t seen myself cum like that for… I don’t know if I’ve ever coomed like that.

I wonder if it has something to do with loosening up? Maybe physically due to the yoga I’ve been doing, maybe mentally due to how I’m hiding my authentic self less, and not giving a fuck if someone hears me through the walls of my apartment.

I’m still cautious about sexy sounds, but when it comes to sutra chanting, I’m starting to not give a fuck. My meditation sessions are important and necessary for me to have a good day. They are becoming a part of me and something that I don’t mind if other people know about.

I don’t think that’s good enough. “I don’t mind if other people know about.” I still give a fuck about what other people think. I want to be at the place where I can say, “I am going to do it because it’s something I want, and I don’t give a fuck if they hear or even see me chanting.”

Another goal, I suppose.

CBT shit.

What life domain do I want to work on?

I’m choosing Social Support because I isolate a lot (with or without the Covid mental virus) and I want to get better at reaching out, and not going so many days without social contact.

Questions to help you define your own barriers

1. In what ways do my thoughts, feelings or behaviors prevent me from taking positive action that will help me cope with and overcome my challenges in Social Support?

Developing Resiliency Skills Following Disability from Dr. Susan Stuntzner and Dr. Michael Hartley

When it comes to me reaching out during periods of loneliness, I make excuses like, “They won’t want to hear from me.” or “they don’t want a phone call, they just want to text.” even though I have no proof to back up either.

When it comes to attending social events that I think would help me feel less lonely, I make excuses like, “It’s a long way to ride my bike.” or “I’ll be sweaty.” or, “I’m not going to like the event.” or, “I’ll be uncomfortable around people so it’s not worth it.”

2. What sort of negative or self-defeating thoughts do I have regarding my ability to reach my potential and to live a better life of having Social Support? Give specific examples

I sometimes think that having Social Support is not something that I can have. It’s something that people with social skills have. It’s something that people with dozens of friends have. It’s something that only certain types of personality types have. It’s something that only people of certain status have. It’s something that only people who grew up being the popular kid have. It’s something that only people with perfect genetics have. It’s something that only people without tempers have. It’s something that only people who dress fashionably have. It’s only something that people who go to the gym have. It’s only something for people who played all their cards correctly and are exactly where they want to be in their life.

3. How do these thoughts influence the way I perceive my situation and difficulties in Social Support? How do they affect my mood and actions towards Social Support?

Well it makes me feel like I’m a sub-human, really. It’s as if I’m in a lower class that doesn’t get the good things in life, and doesn’t get the care that they need to live a good life.

I think it affects my mood and actions by causing me to abandon even trying to have Social Support. I just shrug my shoulders and say things like, “That’s just not something for me. It can’t be helped.”

4. In what ways do I create my own barriers that prevent me from developing resiliency based skills in Social Support? Which ones are particularly troublesome in Social Support? Explain.

Well I don’t like to touch my phone, that’s one barrier I create for myself. But it’s not even a good barrier especially now because I could have a Zoom meeting or something like that on my computer, and it’s just as good or better as making a phone call.

I don’t tell people my phone number. I don’t spend much time outside of home other than exercising. I physically isolate myself. I have often ignored people via text.

I think the most troublesome barrier is the one in my head which is where I tell myself, “I don’t like to talk to people.”

Having done so much meditation this year, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not an introvert. I don’t even believe in the introvert/extrovert concept. I only believe that there are people who see themselves as inferior, and there are people who see themselves as superior.

I think people who say they are introverts actually just have self-esteem issues, and tend to bind themselves to people who act as their god. That is my lived reality, in which I thought I was an introvert, but in reality, I was just scared of my god– my father.

Anyway, that’s a tangent. Becoming an equal with other people is the ideal in this paradigm of inferior and superior people.

A barrier that is troublesome is the one I have in my head where I don’t think I have the permission to be my authentic self. I think this especially often around my family, but it comes up when I’m on my own with friends as well. Authentic Chris swears like a sailor, but I feel inhibited around my family. I know this inhibition is all in my head and it’s a barrier for me.

Actually this might be a different domain I’m talking about when it comes to authenticity. IDK, next question!

5. What are some better ways of viewing my life and specific situation that I can use to help propel me towards positive actions in Social Support?

I think I covered that a little bit in my last answer. Being authentic and not hiding are big challenges for me. I think a better way of viewing the situation of seeking Social Support is to not seek help from people who would shame me for being my authentic self.

This means that my parents cannot be my main source of Social Support. They love me and care for me, but I have deviated from their idea of a good life, and that is never going to change.

Wanting to be my authentic self around my parents, while simultaneously expecting unconditional love is not something that is achievable. I have to accept this and move on, finding a new support group or family which gives me that unconditional love that I desire.

I say unconditional love because I know that if I were to speak my mind with my parents, they would have moments when all they could do is lash out at my choice of words.

It’s a communication barrier between us, and that’s just the way things are, given how I have chosen to live my life and be a part of the adult internet community.

The crazy thing is I don’t even talk to my therapist as my authentic self. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe my authentic self, the one that is typing right now, the one that loves to make R18+ posts about sexy hentai camgirls is someone who can only come out when in an intimate, sexual relationship.

Holy fuck. So this whole time I’ve been seeking a relationship where I can be my authentic self, is sorta the wrong approach to take. I’ll get there, but first I need to cultivate relationships where I can be my…

I don’t even know what to call it.

Authentic, yet reserved, self?

Yeah, that seems like the way to describe it.

Side note

I want to write down some GF + V snack food ideas for when I go to parties but I don’t have any idea of what to bring. I usually overthink this situation and I end up bringing nothing at all because the thing I want to bring was either too difficult to prepare, or I botched it.

Work in progress. I got Edamame so far.

That’s it for now.

I’m going to go play GRID vs. Gaia with my brother M.! I’m super stoked! First playtest!

I prepared some oatmeal in advance, so I won’t go hungry while I’m spending time with him.

Before I go, gratitude and affirmations!

I’m grateful that my brother M. got back to me after I reached out to him. I’m grateful that he is coming over and I get to see him and spend time with him! I’m grateful that he wants to play my game!

I’m grateful for the time that I spent writing today. It is so easy to just skip over CBT, but I feel really happy and accomplished for doing the work. There’s lots more work to do! I’m grateful for that fact, and I’m happy to work through it little by little.

I’m grateful for wiki.js! It is an incredible modern and powerful wiki software package, and I’m pleased by the slick UI and familiar markdown editor. It’s a total work in progress project, that’s for sure, but it’s completely usable and I look forward to using it every time I work on my instance.

I’m grateful for the trash collection service that my parents have. I have gone without trash service in the past, during the time that I spent in Eugene, OR when I lived with a room mate who was an alcoholic chain smoker and a financial mess.

I think it’s because of that time, and the times here when my family neglected to take out the trash on trash day which have caused me to be extra vigilant about taking out the trash every week.

Wow that was a crazy run-on sentence!

33. The answer is right before me, even if I do not see it now.
34. I am thankful for… (everything I just wrote!)
35. I choose to take good care of myself.
36. I accept myself.


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