Sat Oct 3 2020

This morning I was going to go to the grocery store after I picked & packed. I got back from the mailbox, got dressed, got my shoes on, then I think I psyched myself out. I went to sleep instead, and I slept for 8 or 9 hours.

I rarely sleep that long! I’m grateful for this long sleep period, because I feel caught up on rest now.

Ludum Dare is going great. I have a game concept, prototype cards, and I’m getting close to having my prototype game board completed.

I would like to playtest my game with my brothers, but I don’t know their schedules and when they’ll be available. I suppose I’m treating a get-together between us as something other than a regular get-together. Nobody knows anybody’s schedules until they get a hold of them and inquire. This is no different, but I’m treating it different.

I’m treating this like I have to surprise them with my presence. I have to find when they’re playing MTG in my parent’s basement, and spring in there with a game prototype. That’s not how meetings work, silly!

It could have worked like that in the past, when our lives were simpler and we didn’t have many activities other than school.

I guess this is just a growing pain.

I’m hesitant to contact my brothers because that would mean calling or texting or something like that.

That doesn’t need to be a big deal, but I think I know why I’m making it one.

It’s because I have to be vulnerable by contacting them. I have to be imperfect me and get on their wavelength. I can’t just say, “Ok we’re playing this game right now.” I have to treat them as equals and say, “What time works for you?”

Is that an ego thing? Or perhaps it’s an authoritative issue?

In my own little world, I have to be the authority, otherwise my identity foundation would come crumbling down.

But the thing is that I don’t want to be an authority over my brothers. I specifically avoided involving my brother D. in this Ludum Dare because of his response to my invitation. I asked him if he wanted to participate, with emphasis on, the “if you want to.”

His verbal response to my invitation was non-commital. “I might be able to, but I don’t know if I can because of my work schedule.”

There was no desire or feeling expressed in that response.

His body language told me a different story. He clenched his hands under the table. His legs tensed, and he leaned away from me. His voice was strained as if he was fighting the urge to run away.

His words said, “maybe”. His body language said, “no.”

I don’t know what he was thinking. There’s definitely a lot more that I could learn, but what I surmised was that co-dependency was playing a big part in how he responded.

Co-dependency runs in the family. I bet half of my family members don’t even know about co-dependency or what it is.

I see it in my mom when I talk to her. She self-sacrifices her self-care in situations where she’s having a conversation with people. She can be visibly exhausted, but she forces a smile and she’ll continue to listen for as long as the person is talking to her.

The host of the group therapy Zoom call on Thursday talked about self-advocacy. She asked the group, “show of hands, how many you are good at self-advocating?”

I don’t even know what self-advocacy is, so I didn’t know how to answer.

A person with a healthy social life probably has self-advocacy figured out. A person with codependency completely ignores themselves if it means serving as another person’s rubber duck.

That’s how my co-dependency works, anyway. In the past, I have had a hard time excusing myself from a group conversation when I had to go to the bathroom. One time I stood and listened to my frienemy talk for almost an hour after a movie as I was having a blood sugar crash. I stood there waiting for a break in conversation that would never come, due to how my frienemy gets when she’s the center of focus.

I had an issue on Thursday during the group call when my body was freaking out for some reason. I started sweating as if I were about to throw up or I had an urgent poop. I didn’t have to do either, but I really felt like I needed to get up and stretch.

I think it was my body getting used to the social situation. It took about an hour of me pretending and acting perfect. Sitting upright, leg muscles tight, and eventually, my body sent the signal like, “ok, this situation is fine.” and my brain decided to relax. I think my body was still tense as fuck, and the ill feeling was my signal to get up and move.

Unfortunately I didn’t do anything about it other than trying to relax in my chair. I would have liked to excuse myself for a few minutes, but I’m not sure how to do that.

Just do it? Don’t ask for any permission or excuse, just do it? I think that’s the way?

That’s the way that one of the clinicians at FBH did it when she got up to stretch, or got up to get tea. The CUTIE in the office that I still think about every now and again.

I think she said she struggled with social anxiety, depression and feelings of adequacy, but she’s worked through a lot of it. It was obvious at how free she was, from the apparent ease of her actions of getting out of her chair to take care of things.

I’ve decided that I’m doing the 2 day compo, rather than the 3 day Jam. I think 3 days of intense development is too much.

It’s too much, especially for me because I haven’t talked to anyone since Tuesday.

I talked on Thursday during the Zoom call, but I don’t count it as socializing because it was literally just a greeting and a farewell.

The compo ends tomorrow at 3PM! I’ll be sure to have a finished prototype game, but I think that my game might have a fatal flaw which gives it no replay value.

The flaw is that the spell casting process is long and drawn out, and doesn’t have the fun, tactical shot calling and feints that I hoped it would have.

I think it would require a rework of some sort. I think it would also require a lot of play testing, but unfortunately I haven’t done any play testing due to how I’m working solo and I haven’t reached out to anyone.

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