Sun Apr 19 2020

treatment, finger, keep

I slept for about 8 hours between 4PM and 12AM. I wrote a nice article yesterday about using Mortars in Squad.

I’d like to get some feedback on it, so I think I’ll send it to the group I play Squad with. Yesterday when I completed the article and was looking for a featured image, I discovered that my blog comes up as the first result when doing a DuckDuckGo image search for, “owi squad.” The image displayed as the first result is the one I used as the featured image for my previous guide, “Squadleader Checklist.

I’m pretty proud of this! I’m not sure if I come up so high on google images, but the thing I’m so proud about is that that article has got enough views and enough clicks to where my blog post is number one!

It’s a short and sweet article which outlines the three jobs that I think a Squad Leader should do repeatedly during the match. I’m a little surprised that the image in that article shows up in search results at all! Now I gotta know, how does it compare to Google Image results?

Ooo, it’s there as well! It’s the 10th result for the same search terms.

Well then, that gives me hope, and inspiration for the future! Sitting here in my apartment, typing away on my $5 keyboard, I have the potential write world class articles which can be of use to other people!

Not that my Squadleader checklist article was groundbreaking or anything. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t need a publisher. LOL, not that I ever thought I did need one. Publishers are so last century! I am simply happy to know that I can reach a worldwide audience with my words.

Here’s some stats from my blog. In the past 7 days, the 10 most viewed articles on my blog are

How to install VOCALOID Hatsune Miku V4X — 90 views

Install magic-wormhole on Windows 7 — 53 views

My Top 10 Sad Vocaloid Songs — 22 views

Nagios snmp_get CRITICAL — Plugin timed out while executing system call — 21 views

Japanese — 下げるvs. 下がる — 19 views

Linux — How to mount an OSX dd disk image — 17 views

Radioshack USB Analog Macro Controller 2603666 — 16 views

Quarantine Area — 14 views

I’m getting a lot of spam messages on Fiverr. This is how I deal with it. — 11 views

Animated Propeller — 10 views

Wow. I’m surprised at some of these numbers! 90 views on how to install Hatsune Miku v4x! That one makes sense that it got the most views because I’ve actually heard from two people who installed Miku V4X using my guide. I just wasn’t aware that anywhere near 90 page views occur on that article in a week!

It’s surprising as well to see some of these articles which I completely forgot about. Quarantine Area is a good one for this COVID-19 pandemic time. I bet there are image searches for a Quarantine logo and people are ending up on my page. I love it!

See this is a magical thing about the internet and blogs. Half of these articles I I would be completely incapable of writing now. I’ve forgotten how to mount an OSX dd disk image because I have no need to do so! I have forgotten the difference between 下げる and 下がる because I’m out of practice. I forgot I even wrote about Nagios errors!

The magic of this blog is that it’s been running for many years. Articles which go out of style or become forgotten by me will be around for the life of the blog. I’ve gone to great lengths to make regular backups and ensure that this blog will run for a long time to come. This blog is a personal history of a good chunk of my hobbies, interests, endeavors and passions. It is free from corporate ownership, free from facebook. It is indexable by any search engine, sorted by date and labelled with searchable tags.

Sure, you can do a lot of what I’m doing with this blog using some other platform, but I’m guess I’m just in awe that this blog is a digital reflection of myself that will be around for as long as I live. I can look back in time to see get a glimpse of what I was doing. How many people can say that about themselves? I think anybody who journals can say that. Probably anybody who posts to facebook or other social media regularly can say that.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. Nostalgia, perhaps? Melancholy? In this moment, I’m acutely aware that things change. I used to have a job in IT and I learned a lot about Nagios and computers and software. I collaborated with co-workers and made some amazing things happen. Today, I’m working hard towards building an eBay business, and keeping my expenses low enough to where I can live off food stamps. This is a transitional period and I’m struggling financially, but I really want to make it work because this is the kind of life I want. Plenty of time to myself, with minimal, fulfilling and profitable work. I provide something that anime otakus want and are willing to pay for, and I enjoy doing it. My hope is to scale this business up to where I can financially support myself and gain independence from my parents.

Today is a big difference from the past! The past me was not aware of how video games were so detrimental to accomplishing my goals. The past me acted out in situations where the current me might keep his cool. But that’s not the point. The point is that I’m looking into the past with this blog, and I think that ability is incredibly powerful!

So yeah. What am I doing today? I’m not really sure. I think I’ve pretty much given up on Ludem Dare this weekend. It’s not fun. Why do it if I feel terrible while doing it? My reward would be the game itself, and I think a game that was made with anger and pain will only feel painful to play. It’s not worth it.

I do think I will use this time to make some art though. I think future Ludem Dares might be better for me if I join a team and make music and sprites for them. Or maybe I’m just not in it at all anymore. Maybe I’ve done it enough times, and it’s no longer a fun challenge. Maybe I move on from making games.

I mean, I’m conflicted on this. I have a dream to make several games. Hack City, and VOCALOID Studios. If I were a billionaire, I would open a game studio and hire talent to make me an MMORPG. I would weasel my way in to the game making process somehow. Maybe a management position is what I would assume, but then every now and then I’d work my own code and/or art into the mix. Maybe I’d do pair programming just to get inside the other developer’s heads and learn something.

I’d be operating at a loss, for sure. I don’t see it working any other way. I’d do it just because it was fun and that’s just another one of my dream jobs.

My dream jobs

  • Working in a game development studio
  • Owning/operating an in-person Bitcoin shop or BTM
  • Owning/operating a cyber cafe
  • Running an online card shop
  • Working as a web developer
  • Working as a devops engineer

I’m crossing off the online card shop one because I’m doing that right now. I can’t call it a success just yet, but I’m doing it and I’m loving it!

I changed my mind about wanting to be a manager. I don’t think I have the charisma to be a good manager. Maybe charisma can be learned through practice, but at present I feel rather inadequate in that department.

Part of the shame resilience is believing that I am good enough. I think what I’m experiencing right now is echoes from the past which reverberated in my mind which say, “I am not good enough. I am not worthy.”

I think my leadership ability has increased now that I’ve been working on my shame resilience. I recognize when people in Squad get angry with me and assign blame. They are following an Anger/Shame/Blame pattern as described in I Thought It Was Just Me. In doing so, they are directing their shame energy outward, which is not helpful in any situation.

With this knowledge, I can manage my own shame. I can check the facts and reflect on my actions to see if I did anything that I would be guilty of. In most cases, I have nothing to be guilty of. I can move forward knowing that this person who is angry with me is experiencing shame, and I am not deserving of their blame.

I believe I am good enough. I believe that I can be a manager. I believe that I will start out at a lower experience level than managers I have worked with in the past, but I can improve and level up by being a manager and practicing leadership.

I will definitely make mistakes, and I will feel guilt for that. I always have the opportunity to apologize, and make amends. I always have the opportunity to grow and learn, and exercise empathy and compassion as a leader. I can make decisions which impact my subordinates, and steer the company in the right direction.

I don’t have to be a dick, but I do have to be a disagreeable person at times.

I like this mini documentary on the subject of great leaders. The TL;DW is that great leaders don’t necessarily have to be a dick. Great leaders have to be their authentic self at all times, and completely willing to make decisions and be disagreeable. That’s what I got out of it, anyway.

I love shame research because I think shame resilience is a trait that makes a good Squad Leader. The person I want to be has a high level shame resilience and loves to take command in Squad. I have a lot to offer as squad leader! I have ideas and creativity and experience in tactics. I’m far from great, but it’s great that I want to achieve.

66. I can reach my goals. I am unstoppable.

Wow, I like positive affimration number 66! That is so powerful!

67. I am ready to write a new chapter for my life.
68. I will take time to notice and be thankful for the little things.

I want to recognize a success I had yesterday. I was successful in writing an in-depth article about mortar usage in Squad. I am happy to have written this and I am thankful for my pomodoro timer which I used to spread out my work, take breaks and practice self-care.

I also want to recognize a success of giving myself a break. I was not feeling positive yesterday morning. I woke up and happily took care of some eBay shipments, but then I felt shame about not helping my dad and R. with moving the airsoft bunkers. I felt guilt for isolating myself and I felt guilt for not talking to R. and returning some of his equipment which I have in my possession. I didn’t even say hi and give him my new phone number. I felt shame for wanting to risk social distancing and connect during the COVID-19 pandemic. I felt guilt for using COVID-19 as an excuse to isolate.

I felt depressed and I wanted to shut down and distract myself with video games. Instead, I stepped away from the computer and took a shower, shaved, and brushed my teeth. I forgave myself for not wanting to help. I forgave myself for isolating. I forgave myself for wanting to distance myself from my dad. I forgave myself for procrastinating on returning R.’s equipment.

I decided to treat myself kindly. I took the time to care of myself and I ate a meal.

After eating, I brainstormed what I wanted do with the day. I felt compelled to write about Squad mortars, mortar team communication, and my idea of necessary roles in an efficient mortar squad.

I’ve been writing quite a lot in the past few days. I think I wrote close to 6000 words in a sitting between Thursday and Friday. If I keep this up, Nanowrimo should be a breeze!

Nanowrimo isn’t going to be a breeze. LOL. I’ve only done it once, but it’s a real challenge! Not one I can’t handle, though!

1666 words per day is what I used as a target last time. I consistently write more than that now! I think it will be easier for sure, but coming up with an original story is the real challenge. That alone is enough to make Nanowrimo a real struggle!

I’m so ready for it. I’m stoked to either continue St. Ezreal’s School of Espers, or come up with something completely new. Maybe I’ll write a non-fiction? What would I write about? Shame in IT? An autobiography? Squad fanfiction? LOL, oh shit. I say that jokingly but I think there might actually be something there. I could make an original story based on real people! I know I play with some real polarizing individuals at times. My brother is one of them, LOL. He’s on fire with passion, and sometimes I think he’s a little too hot. I think there’s a character which could be made using B.’s bold personality as a template!

My best friend M. would make an excellent character as well. A real loyal guy who thinks very highly of the team!

Well, that’s about it for this article. Err, blog post. I am grateful that I have a voice. I am grateful that I can share it online using my blog. I’m gratful for this because I can have a positive impact on other people’s lives. I have helped people who get stuck on installing software because I went through that same process and documented it so people who follow in my footsteps don’t have to get stuck like I did.

I’m grateful for my drive to improve myself. I am grateful to have learned that seeking perfection can be harmful. Instead of perfection, I seek improvement. I seek to be the best version of myself that I can be, and I know that achieving said goal depends on tiny baby steps day in and day out. I’m doing that by practicing self kindness and pruning self-deprecating thoughts as if they are weeds.

I’m grateful for the shame researchers and the social workers whom I have come in contact with. Either through written works, in-person therapies, study groups, or phone calls. Their work and their passion to help people is contagious. Through there example, I work to help myself!


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