Sun Aug 2 2020

Wow, it’s Sunday already. I’m going to start with the hard thing which is CoDA & CBT work

CoDA 30q #16

“We begin placing this relationship first.”

I think that passage means that the higher power becomes a priority above other people or addictions. I have to be okay with my higher power and myself before I can have a healthy relationship with another person.

“Your higher power does not accomplish your recovery work for you; you must do your share.”

Right. My higher power isn’t going to compel me to get out of the house and go hiking with Nerds United. I have to do that part and get myself to the event.

“What needs to be done to develop and strengthen your relationship with your higher power?”

I think it’s just practice. It just takes the time and the focus of letting go of control and accepting what my higher power is dishing out.

I think it takes an effort from me to set aside time for meditation.

Fuck, that was a hard section to answer, because I’m like meh when it comes to higher power. Still workin’ on it haha.

CoDA 30q #17

Discuss perfectionism and why it is an illusion.

I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because seeking perfection is seeking to eliminate being shamed? To try to eliminate being shamed is probably act of futility. Seeking perfection might be an attempt to be seen as perfect in another person’s eyes. It might be a way of trying to control another person’s perspective, rather than just being okay with myself in whatever way I am.

META: Yum, I just made a 4:55AM Strawberry Banana Pecan Chia Seed cocoa powder soymilk smoothie and I’m lovin’ it!

To keep perspective, why is it important to prioritize your relationships? What relationship needs to come first? What relationship comes second? What relationship comes third?

It’s important to prioritize relationships because I think the first priority relationship is the reason for living. If the first relationship priority is another person, what happens when that person is unhappy with me or no longer loves me? I would be crushed and I would lose my reason for living.

Therefore, the first priority must be a higher power which loves me unconditionally. That relationship seems like the best kind to build an identity off of.

The second priority relationship would be myself. I think it’s important to love myself.

Finally, other people are the third priority relationship. My reason for living doesn’t depend on the approval or love of other people.

Discuss the anticipated miracles of recovery

Those miracles are that relationships improve with our higher power, ourselves and other people. We feel assured that our deepest needs will be fulfilled. We don’t turn as often to other people or unhealthy lifestyle to satisfy spiritual hunger. Our higher power’s will radiates through us.

So it sounds like life gets better. More meaningful relationships, a spiritual well-being, and inner peace.

I drank like a liter of smoothie and now I want more. LOL I gotta give my brain some time to catch up with my stomach!

It’s been about 10 minutes and now I feel very satiated. What a wonderful meal a smoothie is! I hope to have many more in the future!

So my best friend M. is coming to Spokane today or tomorrow. I’m excited to see him! We’re going to surprise P. with his M.’s appearance in the area. M. lives in Las Vegas and we haven’t seen him in person since July last year.

So there’s an issue that comes up when I get with friends that I have to address– money.

I don’t have any spending money. I have money for food, and that’s it. It’s not like I don’t have money, it’s that I don’t have a budget for anything other than food, and business growth. Right now I’m in a very important time for my business. It’s time for me to make it or bust. I have to cover food and operating expenses like rent and shipping supplies. I have to get new product to keep my store relevant to my customers.

There is no wiggle room. Any extra money I have right now has to go straight to investing to my future. Anything I don’t put toward that cause is going to hurt me, because I’m not profitable right now, and I won’t be profitable until I have a certain amount of cash invested to the point where it can pay sufficient dividends.

It’s this reason that I have to say no to things that are going to cost me money. I think I can spare $15 for an activity, but beyond that, I have to say no. It is time that I can spare at this point; money is not an option.

I need to be up-front about that. I wish I would have mentioned it to M. via Teamspeak when we last spoke.

“I have more time than I have money.”

Honestly this month is probably going to be very difficult for me, financial-wise. Unless that second COVY stimulus check comes in, I’m going to struggle to pay rent this month.

My government food benefits are all out. I’m on my own now!

I take back that $15 budget for activities. It’s $5 now.

I also don’t want to be in the position where my friend or my brother are paying for my shit. I will just be up-front with them. I’ll explain my situation.

  • I have more time than money.
  • I lost my gov’t food benefits recently because I’m bringing in more than $1200 a month, so I have to buy my own groceries now.
  • Sales are down.. I have to tighten my budget.
  • Any extra money I have is going to repaying debts or investing for the future of my business.

Yep. Hopefully there are some free stuff that will be fun to do. Here’s what I can think of

  • Bicycling on the Appleway trail or centennial trail
  • Floating the Spokane river?? I’ve seen people take a route that looks fun from Barker to Sullivan
  • Exploring the new riverfront park pavillion & spokane falls
  • Walking northtown mall
  • Walking river park square
  • Skate ribbon
  • Radio flyer & carousel trash goat & feed the ducks
  • Sculpture walk
  • Manito park
  • City Drive
  • CDA boardwalk marina
  • Hiking
  • Green Bluff
  • Disc golf Cherry Hill (CDA) or Downriver (Spokane)

Ok that’s a good list for now. I might ask my sister A. who would probably have a good idea of other things to do that I might not have thought of.

Disc golf sounds fun right now. I haven’t done that in quite awhile.

I’m ready to be done writing in my blog for today. It seems to be dragging on today. I’ve been doing so much research and not so much writing, so that’s probably why.

Yesterday I rode around 12 miles from home to the south hill. Then I hiked with Nerds United. It was fun.

I made a mistake but I’m not a mistake. One of the guys reached out his hand to shake when I met him. I said, “you’re doing handshakes?” all judegemental-like. I wish I would have said, “How about a chicken wing” or something like that. I just think I was not friendly about it and I didn’t need to be that way. That guy didn’t talk to me the rest of the hike because I think I made a bad first impression. An impression like I was a mean person.

I also made a mistake by not answering the questions that J. was asking to the group. When we were resting for a few minutes, J said, “Is everyone ready to head out?”

I stayed quiet, as if my response didn’t matter. I have simply followed people for a long time and not valued my own opinion or thought it was worth sharing. I want to work on that, and use my voice to express myself.

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