Sun Aug 30 2020

I fuk’d up. It’s 3:22 AM and I have tried to sleep twice, and failed twice. Then I ate food because I was daydreaming of food.

I’m going to try again. BBL

I slept for sixish hours. My body actually woke up at 7AM like a good boy LOL.

I went back to sleep until 9:30.

There’s a pretty kickass Crypton Future Media livestream going on right now. I watched it for about two hours before I slept and it was probably a bad decision of something to do before sleeping because it was very high energy and it got my adrenaline pumping.

That’s part of why I said I fucked up, because it was like a real live concert and I felt like I was there.

The live stream is a special event put on by CFM because of Miku’s birthday on Monday.

I want to take a peek and see how the stream is going, but I’m going to fight the urge because I have some important things to do. Writing in this blog has become a rather difficult task for me, and I think that is because it requires a level of discipline which I have not been striving for.

Maybe it’s not discipline. Maybe it’s the fear of missing out (FOMO.) I will check back with the stream later today, and that’ll be good. I tuned into the stream last night at a time when I probably would have been able to sleep. The energy of the stream and my FOMO kicked in, and suddenly I was locked in.

I get hooked on work and play. I notice that fact about myself, and I’d like to improve myself to the point where I can have the level of discipline to where those things no longer take away my focus from keeping a good sleep routine and. Lately when I feel the urge to work a second shift, I like to remind myself that there’s always going to be something more to do. Work is never over, and I think play is the same way.

There’s always going to be something more to see. I can’t see it all, and I don’t want to see it all. I want to have a sample, then I want to go onto the next thing. Maybe that next thing is a break. Maybe that next thing is exercise. The important thing is that the next thing is something that helps me moderate my over-consuming nature.

Eyeball consumption!

Consumption of the eyeball? Both ways of saying that make it sound like I’m suggesting that eyeballs are getting eaten. 😆

Did you catch the Neuralink progress update the other day? Holy shit, this is the beginning of Ghost in the Shell cyber brains!!!

They’re building a relatively small, coin sized device which is meant to be implanted in the skull, with electrodes that extend into the brain. The electrodes have neuron read and write capabilities which means that people will be able to interface their brains to their smart phones or computer, opening up a whole world of possibilities.

Read and write. That means we are literally going to start to see concepts seen in episodes straight out of Ghost in the Shell. Memory replays, sharing and altering will occur. People’s brains will become targets for hackers. Pain will be a thing you can disable when you feel like it.

The Neuralink team is also building a robot to carry out the surgeries in an automated fashion. Their goal is to perform these surgeries as outpatient procedures which last under an hour. Such an incredible pursuit!

I don’t want one. I am not worried about hackers at this point, I’m worried about implanting a fucking battery in my skull. What if there’s a problem with that shit and it goes supernova? That sounds like a painful, untimely death.

I napped. Before I napped, I watched the Seattle Betsuin prerecorded stream. One of the ministers from Spokane was featured on the stream, which was surprising and nice to see.

I had a dream where I was back in Eugene, OR living with V. and D. We lived in a different house, but not much had changed with V.’s mannerisms. He still chain smoked, he still drank too much.

Mixed into this dream was a thing where I was a spy or something. I was running around chasing bad guys with guns, and at night I would come home to D. and V. and put up with V.’s verbal abuse.

In the dream, there was a woman living in the same house– V.’s girlfriend who actually died when I lived in Eugene. In the dream, she had the same job as I did, selling things on eBay. She specialized in cameras, and she was going through a similar experience as I was, where eBay wasn’t sufficient in making her enough money to pay the bills and get by.

Since she was V.’s girlfriend, she got a free pass for paying rent. Me on the other hand, I was up shit creek without a paddle if I wasn’t able to make rent.

V. kept me around because he knew he could take advantage of me. He could get the full rent payment out of me, plus an extra amount of money that we never agreed on originally. He could use me like an ATM that worked over and over on a negative balance had no overdraft fees.

As part of my spy job, I modified V.’s TV remote. Some fucking sloppy spy figured that writing their phone number on the TV remote so I could get a hold of them was the only way that they could contact me. V. came into the room asking for the TV remote, so I had to rip off the label sticker that had the phone number on it, to prevent V. from finding out that I was a spy.

V. left the room and came back moments later, furious that I had removed the label and ruined V.’s only way of knowing what button to press.

I felt terrible after being verbally attacked, and I used that shameful feeling as resolve to make more money and get out of that fucking house.

Nevermind the fact that I was a spy.. A spy who should be making good money..

Maybe I was a gig economy spy? Like I downloaded an app that promised good money and a fun life, but delivered less than minimum wage employment in a way that prevents the parent company from having to sufficiently support me as an actual employee.

The dream didn’t make a whole lot of sense. At one point, I’m chasing some bad terrorist woman and she’s gunning down the other spy agents who are after her. I’m unarmed originally, but I pull a couple .22 caliber pistols from the downed agents.

I was thinking that now I have to avenge my fellow agents, and I’m the only one left so it’s all up to me.

One on one, I confront the terrorist woman. I surprise her with an ambush attack as she’s coming up some stairs. I unload somewhere around 8 bullets into her, which don’t seem to affect her at all. She returns fire although she has trouble seeing me through a pane of glass that I’m shooting her through. It wasn’t two sided glass or anything, I think her AI just glitched out as if we were in a video game.

Taking 8 .22 caliber bullets and continuing to function isn’t the craziest thing in the world– It could happen. But in this dream there wasn’t blood or anything. It was as if we weren’t even fighting with real bullets, and they were just simulation rounds that would make contact then despawn.

The woman came into the same room as I was. I only had a single bullet left in my pocket, a bullet that I gathered from a dead comrade with the sole intention of using as a last resort. This was a last resort.

The terrorist woman said some lofty villain stuff before I said, “this is my last bullet” and loaded it into the gun.

I shot her in the eye socket, and she didn’t die.

She denied I had made a hit, as if it was up to her to determine whether or not she goes down or not. This was beginning to sound like a game of airsoft.

I was furious. I began to yell.

“No, I hit you. I have a photographic memory of the moment I pull the trigger on guns. I hit you in your left eye socket!!!”

That’s somewhat true of a statement. From the first time I shot a shotgun at boy scout camp, I developed this quirk. It was as if my eyes were cameras, and the jolt of the shotgun left a visual mark in my brain. It was easy to tell if I hit the target, because I remembered the moment the gun fired.

Later as I got into pistol and rifle shooting, this quirk persisted. I would know exactly where I hit the target, or if I missed the target, I would know if it was low and to the left, or high and to the right– I could simply reference the mental snapshot.

Unfortunately, this skill seems to have faded with age, but it was cool while it lasted.

Back to the dream. The woman walked off and continued being a terrorist, then all of a sudden there was a man in a suit who came up to me and critiqued my performance. In a nutshell, he said I will never advance if I don’t make it, and that it’s my fault that I’m not making it because I’m not faking confidence or success.

The dream was pretty much over at that point, but what a dream.

I appreciate dreams like these, because I think they always expose some underlying insecurities.

Firstly, to live with V. again is something that will never happen. I have no interest in talking to him every again. I don’t even know where he lives. I don’t even know how to get a hold of him. I wouldn’t even if I did. He’s toxic, irresponsible, and disgusting.

I won’t even room with someone like him. I’ve learned my lesson about lazy, irresponsible, damaged people like him. I can’t change him, I don’t want to change him. I don’t want to be around people like him because they’re rude and nasty and life is too short to receive that kind of treatment and influence.

So what’s the point of the dream? What can I learn from it? I can learn that violence is stupid and our gunfight was stupid. I can learn that I have insecurities about my financial status, and insecurities about running a failing eBay business.

Mind you, I say failing but I’m not giving up. I’m simply recognizing the reality that I am not profitable.

I feel somewhat similarly to the time I lived with V. as I do now. I am a tenant now, and my dad is my landlord. For as long as I live here, I will always be the #2 man, because it is my dad’s property and I just live here.

Lately I have been renewing my interest in moving out. I do not feel oppressed in the same way as I was when I lived with V. My dad does not treat me poorly like V. did. The similarities between my dad and V. are minor, but there are some similarities.

Little things like how V. enforced a policy. I was living there at first without a job. V. purchased a cell phone for me to call the employment agency every day and see if there was a job for me. I probably wouldn’t have got a job had it not been for V. doing that, so in a way I appreciated it.

I’m going to do some CoDA work now.

CoDA 30q #21

Why not give God a chance where you have failed?

This is a loaded question, a question which contains an assumption. I will go ahead and dis-spell that assumption and say that I am willing to give god a chance.

Discuss why this program is not a flash in the pan.

It’s not a flash in the pan because just like the conditions that lead to me having good day, it’s a thing that I constantly have to work at. It’s not like a video game where leveling up is a one-way event. Away from the keyboard, it is very possible and often easier thing to level DOWN!

Are you willing to ask God for help more than once?

Yeah, that seems like a rational thing to do. I’m expecting to have lots of problems in my life, and if I can find a process that helps me get through those problems, it only makes sense to repeat the process when problems arise.

CoDa complete.

I’ll end this post with some words of gratitude, and some positive affirmations.

I think gratitude will come easy today, because yesterday when I was riding my bike home from the grocery store, I took note of all the things that I felt grateful for in that moment.

I’m grateful for the lush greenery that exists in Spokane Valley. Our air is relatively clean and I’m sure that the plants have a lot to do with that. I’m grateful for the really tall trees in the area that give character to each neighborhood and are a joy to observe.

I’m grateful for the major majority of drivers who share the road with me as I ride my bicycle. There are not bike lanes everywhere, and I ultimately take routes where I share a lane with automobiles. I’m grateful that the mass majority are cautious and congenial as they come into close proximity to me.

I’m grateful for my health and the strength of my body. I have been exercising every day and I am seeing real changes in my physique, my energy levels, and my capabilities.

I’m grateful for water, and the interconnected network of underground pipes which provide my house and my neighborhood with clean water. It’s that water that hydrates me as I ride my bicycle, or jog in the backyard. I’m grateful that water is so plentiful that I can take a shower every day and not have to spend a moment of thought on how much water I consume. I am truly blessed in that area.

I’m grateful for inkscape-silhouette. I am grateful for the project creators and the contributors who maintain the project. As of today, I am an official documentation contributor for that project! I hope to try the software as soon as I receive my Silhouette Cameo 3, and I would like to financially support the project if I am able.

The way I see it, I could spend $50 on Silhouette’s proprietary software, or I could just use Inkscape, the software package I’m already familiar with. If I can get by with just Inkscape and save $50, I think I owe the open source project a donation!

That’s the plan, and I’m going to do it if I can.

61. I will allow myself to forgive; it will allow me to move beyond the pain, to a place of peace.
62. I choose to make today amazing.
63. I choose to let the past go and move on to the future.


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