Sun Dec 13 2020

ngl, I’m feeling depressed today.

I feel sad, lonely, unimportant, and unloved. I feel that all my relationships are shallow. I don’t feel like I can truly express myself to 99% of the people I interact with.

I feel tired and sleepy. I just woke from a nap and I’m ready to go back to sleep.

I don’t want to move. Getting up from my seat to go cycle my laundry seems impossible right now.

I’m likely undercaloried. I haven’t done a calorie / nutrient audit in over a week, and I haven’t been eating much. I’m out of oatmeal and there’s too much snow to ride to the grocery store.

My appetite is nearly gone. Today I ate several tablespoons of peanut butter and raisins. I cooked rice and vegetables but I put it straight into the fridge.

I need a focking hug, but I’m so far into feeling terrible that I don’t think I can stop feeling terrible. My urge is to hide and isolate, not socialize.

Sangha service today was stupid. I’m not going to go to the Zoom sangha service anymore because I don’t get what I need from it. I don’t meditate, I just kinda follow along with the sutra chanting. I don’t socialize, I’m just there for the sutra chanting.

I’m far too distracted by the regular technical difficulties that the minister and assistants experience. I’m far too critical and judging.

Again, I’m isolating. I don’t turn on my camera or unmute my mic. I don’t say hi, I just hide and observe.

It’s 5:30. I don’t want to spend time with family because I feel like fucking shit. I haven’t done any yoga and my body is stiff as a rock.

I keep thinking of moving to Idaho, but maybe it’s Oregon that would suit me better. Fuck snow, and weather’s denial of my bicycling. Eugene’s climate is so attractive right now.

I want to distract. I want to scroll through feeds and get a continuous drip of dopamine. I don’t want to to feel. I want to sleep and stop thinking at all.

I’m so stuck. I can’t shake out of this shame spiral. I’ve been staring at my monitor for 20 minutes now. I think going to sleep and having a reset is the only way.

I can’t do that though. I have to cycle my laundry. For fuck’s sake!

I took time and just laid down. I explored my thoughts like I don’t usually do– I unsuppressed the negative thoughts and just observed what was going on in my head.

  • I suck
  • I’m worthless
  • I’ll never amount to anything
  • I am stupid
  • I am poor because I’m lazy and selfish
  • I can’t live my dreams
  • I’m ugly
  • I’m cold and heartless
  • My family doesn’t like me
  • I’m lonely because I suck

Shit like that. Lots of it. I let it all be. I observed everything and didn’t cut off any thoughts.

The tears came rollin’ in.

And then the negative thoughts passed. It’s just like that one guy says. My brain kills thoughts about 90 seconds after I look at them.

I spent the whole day not looking at my thoughts. Instead of being mindful about my thoughts, I spent the whole day ignoring them by prioritizing my time on the computer and making deals with customers.

Then I chanted Hanjusan and reminded myself of how I’m going to be dead someday, and these Sunday evenings and times with the family are going to be expired. I cried some more.

And then I felt peaceful. Just like ejaculating or sneezing or puking, crying was just the release that I needed.

I grabbed my tea and went inside to my parent’s house. I had some yum yum food that my mom prepared, including a delicious gluten free vegan applecrisp.

I sipped Earl Grey tea and it might have been a mistake LOL. I was definitely buzzed on caffeine and it took a lot of focus to not freak the fuck out while around my younger brother’s hot girlfriend… Yeah I am so awkward around her because you know…

Or maybe you don’t know? Wait why am I talking as if someone is reading this shit? That’s not the point of this journalling. The point is to get my feelings out and CLEANSE the pallet that is my cluttered mental state.

Yeah I’m awkward as fuck around hot women. I was once told that I’m like that because I put women on pedestals. To me, women are inaccessible idols, beautiful in every way and unattainable.

I’m a Wizard, Harry!

Oh yeah, one of the negative thoughts I had earlier was that nobody will ever love me and that I’ll be a double wizard.

As in, the anime trope of wizardry. As in, 30 year old virgin. So a double wizard would be a 60 year old wizard. LOL.

I did a lot of detective work after having those negative thoughts. I laughed off a lot of the negative thoughts after doing the detective work.

I’m not feeling well, and that is why I’m having the negative thoughts. All of the thoughts are based in fear. None of the thoughts stood up to scrutiny.

I’m not ugly. I’m not lazy or worthless or stupid. I’m poor because I’m going about making money in an unconventional way. I’m happy doing this work and having this lifestyle. I’m going to figure this shit out and make a living. I’m going to accomplish my goals because I’m making slow, yet persistent and regular progress towards them.

I fuckin’ got this.

I’m a wizard because being a human was never a priority until recently. I’ll be human. Wait no, I’ll always be a wizard. I want that because I think it’s an uncommon thing and I like being weird.

What I mean is I’ll have sex because I want to have sex. But I’m greedily keeping the title FOREVER!

Man, everybody’s gettin’ hacked lately. Facebook got hacked, but that was by a gracious whitehat and he got a $7500 payout by Facebook bug bounty program. Congrats, mr. hacker!

The U.S. Treasury got hacked. The weakness in this case was the IT supply chain, SolarWinds. SolarWinds says it was a nation state actor who compromised their systems.

Apparently Russia is suspected. Wait, let me clarify before I continue. From what I read, SolarWinds was using security best-practices, and the only way the hack worked was because there was a massive level of computing power which cracked their encryption or some shit.

I would put money on China being behind it, not Russia. China recently achieved Quantum supremacy.. Russia doesn’t have that. That quantum compute could be put towards cracking SolarWinds encryption, right?

IDK how this shit works. The inner workings of encryption is above my education or interest level LOL. Luckily I’m not that interesting. I don’t think I would attract the attention of nation state or someone with a lot more compute than me. I’m just boring Chris and I like anime/vtubers/hentai/javascript/bitcoin/vocaloid/TCGs/music/youtube/videogames… y’know, the regular shit that a 33 year old single guy might like.

Oh yeah, rockets too. I can’t forget about liking rockets!

I guess I should say specifically SpaceX. I don’t give a FUCK about ULA or NASA or Blue Origin or any other aerospace company unless it’s somehow more innovative than SpaceX. And that’s… impossible right now LOL. SpaceX is winning the new space race right now.

Oh hey, it’s Monday now. 12:15 AM! I’m not tired. Thanks, caffeine! LOL.

I sometimes drink caffeine real late, and I don’t feel like it inhibits my sleep at all when I actually get to bed. I mean, if I tried to sleep right now, it would be impossible. That much is certain. But it’s not like I want to sleep right now. When it wears off and I get sleepy, I’ll sleep and I’ll sleep well!

Heck, I just have a nap later in the day anyway. It works out just fine.

I’m watching the Ironmouse VOD I recorded earlier. I’m so stoked that I recorded it. Ironmouse is reviewing Christmas displays that her fans sent her. I sent her a video excerpt from the Grimmett Christmas Spectacular 2017. I wonder if she’ll watch it? IDK, so far it doesn’t seem to fit in with the theme of the photos and videos that she reviewed so far.

I’m satisfied either way. I’m just happy to watch Ironmouse, and I’m happy that she shares so much with her audience. She’s so funny! I love her sense of humor.

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