Sun Feb 2 2020

meditation, spiritual, yoga

Good morning! I actually woke up on my own without an alarm this morning! I give full credit to the hella uncomfortable couch that I’ve been sleeping on. I think I’m reaching critical levels of poor sleep because of this. I think I’m going to put in a big effort this month to making enough money to where I can afford

  • rent
  • groceries
  • gas
  • a new mattress
  • a computer chair

The computer chair should be easy. I saw a free computer chair the other day near a dumpster. I didn’t snatch it up because it was at a place I used to work, and I know they have surveillance cameras. I think I can get a computer chair at UGM or Habitat For Humaity ReStore for $5, so I’m not too worried about being able to afford that.

These are just a few quality of life goals that I really want to meet this month. I think I can do it as long as I work hard and don’t slack off.

I’m going to make a momentum chart and post it on my wall. The momentum chart will show me how much money I made on eBay during January. eBay has a gross sales over the past 31 days on their overview page which I will use. I just need to check that number on the last day of every month, and that will roughly give me a number for the month.

Actually I found a better way. There is a sales reports page in the Seller Hub. My paid and shipped orders gross $1,222.06 for the month of January. That’s the number I’m putting on my momentum chart!

Ok, momentum chart created! I posted it on my wall next to my thermostat. I’m going to see that thing every day now.

It’s 8:15 AM. I have plenty of time to get ready and attend Sangha service. I’m having second thoughts. I don’t want to get caught up in a religion… I think Buddhism it is a religion. Maybe it’s not. I don’t even know much about Buddhism.

I think I should go. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to all week. It’s something I wanted to do ever since I did mushrooms and had a profound experience.

I heard something on Joe Rogan last night. He mentioned people having a dream of a clinical scene, one which is cold and there’s people wearing a mask and it’s jarring and scary.. That is a memory of birth. I wonder if that’s what I experienced when I was tripping. I specifically remember my mother or at least a mother figure. I remember other people being there in what felt like a hospital emergency room. I had intense convulsions in my diaphram and that’s about when I threw up.

I was originally thinking I was having some sort of vision of the real world, that if I decided not to go back to my own body, I could wake up and be in a matrix-esque real world. It was incredibly uncomfortable and scary so I sought to come back to my own body and go back to being Chris.

Now that I heard what people sometimes experience with their first memory of birth, I kinda think that might have been what that was. That’s why my mother was there.

Bizarre. It’s bizarre if that’s what it was, recalling my original memory that I hadn’t thought of in 32 years. Maybe I should ask my mom if I threw up immediately after I was born. Haha, what a conversation that would be.

So I dropped 27mg of psylocybin the other day…

I don’t think that would go very well! LOL.

Not yet anyway. I’m still dependent on my parents for housing, so I don’t want to risk that at the moment. Maybe next year I’ll be moved out and I can inquire about such a thing.

I suppose I could skip that part. I could go straight to the memory and ask about that. I might not have even thrown up as a newborn. I could have simply had diaphram convulsions because that was when I was learning to breathe.

Holy shit, that makes so much sense. Also the tip of my penis was tingling during the entire trip.. Maybe that physical sensation brought me back to being circumcised. Holy shit, that makes so much sense. I’ve read about mushrooms increasing sexual promiscuity during the duration of the trip… But what was that tingling? Was it the mushrooms or the memory? Holy shit, this is amazing. I wonder if I was remembering my birth and circumcision, not experiencing an alternate realty!!!!

This is amazing that it took me a few weeks to figure this out. At the same time, I don’t want to give up on the alternate reality thing. I was literally able to create worlds and planets and alter physics using my mind, and that was a powerful experience. That’s the whole reason I’m interested in going to Sangha service this morning, because during that trip, I felt at one with a universal consciousness.

8:30AM. Alarm just went off and it scared the bejeezus out of me. Speaking of bejeezus, I’m selling my Orbital CDs. I figure I don’t even have a CD player anymore, and I haven’t touched a single one of my CDs in months. They’re just taking space at this point. They’re all on eBay now.

I have doubts that any will sell. I might have priced them too high. It’s crazy how low CDs are worth right now. I wonder if they will ever see a resurgence? I know there are people out there who still listen to CDs. There must still be people who watch VHS tapes too.

VHS and DVD shouldn’t die. That’s what I think. It’s a medium which I see at thrift stores, and there are deals to be had if you are willing to watch a movie on one of these mediums. $1 movies. And it’s not crappy movies either, there’s lots of A-list movies available. If I were a dater, I think a solid date night could be had for $5.

A solid date night for $5 would consist of going to a thrift store and selecting a $1 movie, then going to a grocery store and buying popcorn or crisps with the remaining $4.

Pop that movie in the DVD player, dim the lights, pop the corn, and blamo, solid date night. Sure beats the cost of going to a movie theater. Fuck that. I’m glad I put my foot down and have made strides in reducing my co-dependence. I don’t RSVP to any movie nights with Spokane Otakus anymore. I used to lack the courage to decline movie nights, now It’s just habit that I don’t go.

$12 is the minimum for a movie. Snacks are like a $6 minimum, or $12 if you want a drink and popcorn. That’s $24 for a movie and snacks. Fuck that. I’m a poor boy and I’m finally acting like a poor boy. A poor boy in debt LOL.

I’m wearing a TxM thong. So sexy. I tried to sleep in it, but it was rather uncomfortable. The model I’m wearing is a g-string, so it’s not very well suited for wearing for a long time. I wanted to wake up and fap my heart out, but I took it off in the middle of the night. Now it’s morning so I’m free to go fap crazy if I so desire…

I feel uncomfortable talking about my sexuality. I think this is a big problem. I think this is why I haven’t had sex yet, because I feel some sort of shame for having a sex drive.

I went to Sangha service. I arrived 20 minutes early so I walked around Grant park for a bit. I learned that there are horseshoe thingies there. And then I walked in about 4 minutes early. It was a nice service. I really liked the bell that they rang. It resonated a wonderful pitch and it was easy to focus on that resonance and be in the moment.

Lots of people carried beads that they would hold in their hand at certain points of meditation. I really struggled to follow along with the chanting and what was going on. I bailed when it was refreshment time. Everyone seemed to know what they were doing as they approached the incense and did a bow thing. They donated money and went downstairs for refreshments. I didn’t know what to do with the incense thing so I just bailed. I wanted coffee, dammit!

I’ll probably go again. I’m curious about what the fuck Dharma was that kept getting mentioned. All I know is Buddha, but apparently there’s a trinity of great importance in Buddhism. They have an intro to Buddhism thing coming up later this month. I’ll plan on going to that so I can figure out what the fuck the chants are supposed to be talking about. Then I can figure out if Shin Buddhism is for me or not. I’m thinking probably not, because there seems to be some element of worship and I’m not about to reengage with worship.

It’s probably not worship. I’m probably just thinking worship because the closest thing I can think of is Christianity. I just gotta take it slow, figure out what is going on, and I can go from there. I’ll at least get the confidence to go down the stairs and get free snacks and coffee. If I could get the confidence to chant aloud or bow that would be icing on the cake.

I’m eating the bread I made yesterday. It turned out really well. I don’t have a bread pan so I just used my baking sheet. The result is satisfactory and it’s tasty and nutritious.

I’m trying to figure out Filecoin’s lotus. It’s been a dream for many years to run a Filecoin miner. I was looking at business properties in Post Falls yesterday. There is an office building which would give me 400 sq ft of office for $625 a month. That’s pretty fuckin’ good as far as offices go. I either want an office, or colocation. I think colocation can approach $625 a month pretty quick, so it might be worth it to just get an office and put a server rack in there. But then I would have to pay for utilities and internet.

It’s not like I have a business that would benefit from an office. My eBay business might, but this office in question is a shared space on the 2nd floor. I don’t think it would be very good for eBay, with UPS/FedEx coming and going every day. Maybe they have an outgoing shipments place that would make it okay… IDK, more investigation would be required.

I like the idea of Colocation. I’d be worried about my server burning down an office building if I set up my own equipment rack. Or losing power. Colocation takes care of both of those potential problems. There’s a nice datacenter in Liberty Lake called Tierpoint. I’ve been there a couple times. They have some workspaces and of course the datacenter with rentable rackspace. That would be ideal. Well, maybe not ideal, but definitely a good choice.

Ideal would be my own home office which I could live out of and work out of. It would have hella fast internet, and easy access for delivery drivers. The house along Evergreen type of deal. Dual zoned I think it’s called? A place that can be both a dwelling and a storefront. Ideal!

Build Guild was cancelled last Friday. I was thinking of going, too. Next month then.

Today my goals are

  • exercise
  • journal
  • read 1 chapter of a book
  • draw 2 faces
  • laundry
  • list Precious Memories cards on eBay
  • Go to sleep no later than 1AM

My todo list is way too cluttered, so I’m making today’s list here.

Lots of these tasks I set to recur, so the list gets cluttered really fast if I don’t check off the tasks every day.

Filecoin lotus took like 10 hours to download the blockchain, then I ran out of disk space and it had to restart downloading. Ugh! See what I mean when I want faster internet? I can’t even do a filecoin testnet test on this connection without investing days worth of downloading into the project!

I’m grateful for my ability to slowly change. I’m grateful for the ability to fart. I’m grateful for IPFS and Filecoin.

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