Sun Feb 28 2021

Multitasking. I’m watching Snuffy’s recorded stream from last night

Snuffy is rating pokemon based on their scientific fuckability LUL

Previous to Pokemon, she was rating the fuckability of FNAF characters. LMAO this is hilarious.

I had a shame trigger a few moments ago. I asked a question on the IPFS forum about whether or not there’s a way to get the number of pins a specific file has.

The closest thing is ipfs dht findprovs <cids> which doesn’t show pin count, it shows seeding gateways. I think that means they are simply forwarding requests, but they aren’t actually replicating the file.

I came up with a command that shows the number of seeding gateways.

ipfs dht findprovs --verbose QmUEKjaMbRKcY2sJuX2W6hu3uTd6zGo3BK2usZkPB4u9uK | grep 'says use' | wc -l

Sorta cool to see, but it’s not an indicator of replications which is what I really want to know.

So that idea is sidetracked for now.

I fasted yesterday, for the entire day. It’s enlightening to know that I am capable of willing myself to not eat. I went to sleep yesterday at around 6PM, then I woke up about an hour ago at 2:30AM.

Yup. Sleep felt extra good on an empty stomach! Well, more than an empty stomach, it was a day of taking care of myself. I wasn’t feeling hunger pains because I was active enough to where my body could move fat around and feet itself from that. I had walked outside for 45 minutes, done multiple yoga sessions (I love planks and downdog!) and I respected my Pomodoro timer.

Even if I didn’t want to, I would get up and walk around my apartment for the 5 or 15 minute time periods.

Today I’m going to fast for as long as I can.

I suppose “as long as I can” is not good enough. What am I going to actually commit to? It’s entirely my choice.

I think what I’m going to do is I’m going to fast until sundown. That way, I’ll be able to sleep soundly when my body is ready for a nap. I’m sure a nap is going to be very desirable at around noon. No food for a day is definitely going to lead to sleepiness.

So yeah, that is what I’m committing to. No food until sundown. At that point, I’m going to have popcorn!

I love my new popcorn maker. it is better than a microwave because… No bags? Yeah. It’s not like the taste is any better. I think it’s the experience of the loud heater/blower, and how the popcorn builds up and gets pushed out of the machine. And the smell is just amazing.

As per usual, I bought the popcorn maker with Bitcoin via, saving 15% in the process!

Now Snuffy is rating the fuckability of fast food places, if the brand was a person. LOL this is going to be difficult to fast while listening to her talk about food!

I could just close her stream, but I want to watch and see how her story develops. I was smiling so big yesterday when I was walking to the mailbox because I was thinking about Snuffy’s story.

Snuffy literally used a fake voice for a year, and she had me completely fooled. No software voice changers involved, she just talked in a cutesy high pitch. I’m amazed at her talent for speaking in that voice, and using a false persona.

She posed as an hyper kawaii moe E-Girl, but in reality, she considers herself a “Bruh girl”.

I just want to smoke cigarettes, play League and be toxic

Snuffy 2021

Wow! I was so surprised to hear her voice reveal. She explained that her anxiety levels were unimaginably high because she was so afraid that she would accidentally break character, or slip up and leak her real voice with a cough.

After her new character model, and her voice reveal, now she’s more authentic than ever. She’s more attractive than ever!

She’s mysterious and real and honest. Previously, I enjoyed her stream but I never stuck around for long. I would get bored. Now, I can’t stay away!

omg she just described her perfect date. Comfy at home date, staying in bed, wearing only a t-shirt, eating pizza, getting high, and watching a movie. Then maybe having some sloppy seconds afterwards.

DAMN. #RelationshipGoals

Yeah, I like that. I’ve never liked the restaurant dates. I’ve never wanted to go out and do this or that… Staying in and having a private, intimate evening sounds fantastic!

I’m pleased to hear that there are girls out there who share the same affinity towards being a homebody. Maybe I have a chance! LUL

IDK. IDK indeed. It seems like we’re in a brave new world, where sex and relationships are rare.

Sex with other people? What are you, mad? You’ll get a disease! Here’s a coupon for 6.9% off a Fleshlight.

Emotional support? There’s a Twitch streamer for that.

Kids? Are you insane?

That’s the world I exist in. In my circles, these ideas of traditional relationships are fading away, and I don’t know how I feel about that.

On one hand, I can live out my dreams of being a Hikikomori Wizard VOCALOID Otaku Gamer Hedonist.

On the other hand, I want to have a deeply intimate and emotional relationship with sex!

Ok I’m done writing for today.

My thoughts create my reality, so here’s some reality-conjuring. I am strong. I enjoy talking to people. I love myself, I support myself, and I want to see myself succeed.


11:12AM. I’m back, because my mom sent me a text that has troubled me.

For each of us, life is a journey. Heavenly Father designed it for us out of love. Each of us has unique experiences and characteristics, but our journey began in the same place before we were born into this world. Every child of Heavenly Father born in the world is given at birth, as a free gift, the Light of Christ. You have felt that. It is the sense of what is right and what is wrong and what is true and what is false. That has been with you since your journey in life began. Always remember that you have been protected and watched over by your Heavenly Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. They know you. By the Spirit of Christ and by the Holy Ghost, you may walk confidently in whatever difficulties will come. Because you are so valuable, some of your trials may be severe. You need never be discouraged or afraid. The way through difficulties has always been prepared for you, and you will find it if you exercise faith.


I’ve been triggered by this message ever since I read it this morning. Like, keep that garbage to yourself, mom.

I don’t know what her motivation for sending me this message was, but I can say that I felt ashamed after reading it. No guilt, just shame. As in, I feel like I am a mistake, even though I know I didn’t make a mistake. I felt disrespected, as if I am not being treated by an equal. I feel diminished, as if my choice to be a Buddhist is not recognized by my mother.

I feel afraid of disconnection. I fear that I am going to be kicked out, or become disowned.

I feel my past trauma surfacing. I intensified the speed at which I was drinking my smoothie when I read this (I decided not to fast today) because it was distracting to lose myself in mindless eating rather than feeling the feelings that came over me. I over ate again. Damn.

I feel like my mom is using sneaky methods to shame me into doing what she wants me to do. Again, I feel diminished and less of a person because I feel like I’m being treating as someone who is not equal.

Maybe something is bothering her. Maybe she read my blog and saw futureporn listed on my About page or some shit. Instead of being direct and communicating her concern, she is casting a large net and leaving me guessing on what exactly is bothering her.

I’m reminded that my mom is not a safe person to talk to. My mom has episodes of explosive outrage where she destroys shit. Like the countless TV power cords she severed when she was upset with how much time my siblings and I spent watching television.

I mean, she hasn’t done that for the longest time, but whatever. I don’t know what’s up with her right now, but it’s not worth looking into. I think she would benefit greatly from going to a CoDA meeting, but again, that’s not an avenue worth travelling. I can’t change my mom and I don’t want to change her. I can only change myself.

So mom, I don’t appreciate your messages which contain religious ferver. If you have some concern about me, I’ll hear it, but when you bring up god having a plan and suggest that I have no choice and that anything except that is wrong, all it does is cause me to want to get away from you.

I’m never going to follow a religion because someone tells me it’s the one to follow. I will only follow something that I see for myself and find to be beneficial and good.

I have been hiding my true self for the longest time. I’m not Mormon. I’m not even Christian. I’m not an “inactive Mormon.” The religion was forced on me. It was never a choice.

I don’t have faith that “heavenly father” is god. I don’t have faith that, “the church is true.”

Your faith is not my faith.

My reality is different from your reality.

I’ve been hiding and I’m finally being the person I want to be, publicly. It would be great if you accept that person, but I’d be surprised if you did.

I guess I’m surprised by this message, because I have been becoming my true self for over a year now. I’m just now starting to be that person when I’m around other people. So my surprise comes from the fact that I’m comfortable with my true self, but you are not.

Again, I haven’t shared my true, authentic self with people until recently. I suppose I could have surprised my mom, and now I’m experiencing her reaction.

Mom, I’m not going to change for you. If you want some sort of peace, try changing yourself.

I don’t feel loved by your god. I don’t feel loved by my parents. I feel tolerated. I feel disliked.

God loves me? You love me? I’m curious to know what your definition of love is.

Love does not mean forming teams and accepting and wanting to be with people as long as they are on your team.

I guess it can mean that, but that’s conditional love. Bigoted, conditional love.

Well fuck that shit. I’m going to go hang out at Spokane Buddhist Temple, where there’s a community of people that want to see me and openly accept LGBTQ+. They don’t switch to hate as soon as someone falls into a different “team.”

Fuck your teams, mom. I just want to be loved.

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