Sun Jan 12 2020

I feel insatiable 10. I’m getting high so high. Old habits. This will drive me straight into depression if I keep this up.

It’s 4:51 AM. I spent the last 7 hours doing bullshit that I didn’t need to do. I could have gone to sleep at 9PM when I was tired. Instead I’ve been wandering the internet looking for something fulfilling. I watched all the YouTube I could watch. Soon no video could hold my attention. I would queue up 8 videos at once, then only watch the first ten seconds of each one. “Nope!” I would yell, before clicking to the next video.

Jerking off to hentai seemed to be the most fulfilling thing of the evening. And I still feel empty 6 afterwards. I bought some mushrooms on the darknet. That was pretty fun. Took me a lot of research to find where TripWithScience was selling. Finally found a market where Trip was at.

I guess that’s the silver lining of me getting a high from my net addiction. I got some psilocybin ordered which will hopefully give me some sort of spiritual journey. I need a spiritual journey to break down my ego, to reset my brain, find some solice in my life. Figure out how I want to spend the time I’m living on this planet.

I already have an idea, but even with an idea, nothing feels right. I’m still half-assing my life. I am not being courageous in any of my endeavors. I give up on projects before I launch them. I still live with my parents. I’m going to be charged rent for a place I don’t want to be at. That rent will just keep me stuck!

I need some sort of breakthrough.

Maybe I just need sleep. My routine and my todo lists are keeping me busy and motivated. My lists consist of shit I actually want do be doing. There is a flaw. The routine is becoming dull and boring and feels like work.

I think I just need to work in some rest and relaxation. Maybe a sprinkle of social activities would be in order. Maybe some multiplayer video games with friends would be in order.

Baby steps. I just have to remember that. I’m bumping up my daily eBay listings to 2 listings per day. I want to get to 10 per day, I just have to work my way up to that amount. I don’t want to move too quickly or I will not have a solid schedule and a solid routine to support that amount. Also my environment will need to be tweaked along the way in order to optimize my workflow.

Today i’ll call a cheat day. I did exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to get high and forget shit. I wanted to masturbate and order psychedelics.

Bleh, I just feel empty. So empty. This is not a good feeling. This is seriously addict behavior. I spent 7 some hours shooting up. Yikes.

I feel sad 6. I feel like I betrayed 5 myself.

I still have hope. I am not crushed. Overall, I have been doing much better the past few weeks. This routine is difficult, but it is making me stronger, making me begin to confront my feelings, making me begin to deal with them.

Today I did not deal with my feelings and I stayed up late and engaged in destructive habits.

I’ll just keep going to therapy. I’m going 2 times a week. Actually, I will send an e-mail right now to the area CoDA coordinator and see if they have any upcoming meetings. Yeah. It’ll be okay, I’m making progress even though today was not a progressive day.

I can’t do it. Their 12 step recovery plan sucks balls.

I slept. It’s 12:24 PM now. I’m thinking of going and getting boxes right now. It’s sunday and I think some stores will be closed which would mean it’s prime time to do some dumpster diving!

I’m a little insecure 2, nervous 4, and anxious 6 to go dumpster dive. This is work, but this doesn’t feel like work. It feels like an adventure! Now I just gotta make sure I don’t slide off the snowy road and I think all will be well. Just gotta drive annoyingly slow compared to the other drivers!

I’m thinking of hitting up the Cafe Rio area with Hobby Lobby and Tuesday Morning and a furniture store all in a strip mall. I think some of them might be open but whatevs.

Also I’m thinking of going to the place I used to work, since I know they’re closed on sunday. And maybe walgreens or GNC or Barnes and Noble. Unfortunately Barns and Noble is open right now, so that might not be the best choice. I could wait till they close, but it’ll be dark then, and I’d rather go during the day.

Off to the cardboard dumpsters!

Wow, what a day. If I could have days like this every day, I think I’d be a happy camper. I’m feeling satisfied 9 with what I just did. I spent like 3 or 4 hours just boxing up large stuff I sold on eBay. That was quite a pain in the ass, but I got it done.

I found some cardboard dumpsters which I think I will be using in the future. U-City mall area. There’s a call center just south of the Spokane Valley courthouse which has a large cardboard dumpster. The boxes inside looked pristine. Nice and clean. I couldn’t reach them. I need a grabber like that one eBay guy on youtube has!

This guy was my inspiration for going out and hunting for free cardboard. His full time job is selling things on eBay.

I also found a cardboard dumpster behind the thrift store in that same U-City area. That’s where I really loaded up and found quite a lot of good cardboard. I used all but two boxes. I was thinking I got enough to last me a week. It’s a good thing I have extra and not too little!

I just took the trash out and I was going to grab the SD card out of my Mobius dash cam so I could share the clip of me me grabbing boxes out of the cardboard dumpster. I was also going to do one thing to make my Suburban more livable by depositing the shiny bubble wrap stuff that I have which will make a great window blocker.

The doors of my Suburban are frozen shut! Totally solid. The wind and the cold and the wet have totally halted that plan. I think I could get it open only if I was determined to break a door handle. I’ll just wait until tomorrow!

I have faith that I can make money on eBay. I’m literally selling junk and getting money. My eBay dashboard says I made $680.43 in sales in the last 31 days. That’s before eBay’s 30% fee, and the 30% cost I pay for shipping, but that’s not nothing! I’m making progress. Also It’s all just old stock I’m selling. I only have 3 items which are not old stock.

holy shit, I didn’t list anything today. Whoops. I’m totally behind. It’s 10:35PM already and I haven’t even finished journalling. Sunday is the best day to list items because it’s the site’s busiest time.

It’s alright. I can just list an item once I’m done here, and I can have it auto-publish tomorrow night at prime time. prime time I’m learning is about 8PM PST. That means 11PM EST for anyone on the east coast. That window of time is perfect for bidders because it’s late, but not so late that they won’t be awake.

I don’t know what it is, but I’m feeling generally more happy lately. Sure, I have bad days. I have relapses. Yesterday was a pretty bad day as far as feelings go. I was Alone 8, Depressed 4, and sheepish 8. My parents came last night and I didn’t even go say hi or debrief them on the dog watching.

I still haven’t seen them. I didn’t want to see anybody today, I just wanted to work on my todo list.

It’s either my fire to complete my daily todo list, or the daily exercise, or maybe it’s just me pursuing my goals with unrelenting intent.

I thought a lot about living intentionally today. Saying no to things I don’t want to do. Dedicating my LIFE to what I do want to be doing.

It’s going to take a lot of work to get what I want. It’s going to be hard.

I’m feeling tired 6.5 and I don’t want to get all sentimental at the moment. Maybe this is emotional regulation at work? I just don’t want to get teary eyed because I have a lot to do until I can chill. I haven’t even made my daily #Jamuary2020 jam, and there’s only about an hour until midnight!

That’s the thing that’s a priority. My #Jamuary jam. Then I can do a couple eBay listings even if it’s after midnight because I’m just scheduling the listings for tomorrow.

2 daily listings! That’s the goal. Workin’ my way up to 10 a day.

I’m winding down my Bonanza booth. Not the card one, the tech one. The card one is a pure passion project. I don’t think I’ll ever see a return on investment in the card shop. I simply don’t want any cards that aren’t Miku cards, so I sell them. I also sell Miku cards if I have more than one, but I digress.

I’ve got no more live items on my Bonanza tech booth. All the listings are “reserved” which means nobody can see or buy them. I still have to migrate a few items from the booth to eBay. Some of the items I had listed on Bonanza probably won’t sell on eBay. I’m either combining them with others into a lot, or I’ll be putting them in a box which will go to Goodwill.

Lots make items more interesting. I sold one electronics grab bag so far. I have 6 more lots which are scheduled to end this week.

An electronics lot I listed on eBay

Damn, that lighting is terrible. That’s the one thing I miss about my Samsung Galaxy S8+. The camera was fantastic in comparison to the OnePlus One. I think it would help if I set up a light box. I could make one for super cheap. Find some free wood, make an enclosure frame, and line the inside with white paper from walmart. Or maybe foamboard would be better. Or maybe fabric? Then I can make a little holder spot on the top which will keep my NOCO GB40 flashlight in place.

Seriously, this thing is one of the best tools I own. I jump started a friend’s truck one time with it while we were camping. I use it’s flashlight all the time. When I go on flights I always bring it with me and it charges my phone over and over. Seriously my favorite tool.

My curry is done. I don’t even know if I want to eat, but I probably should force myself to eat. I had some bread and fruit earlier, and rice with ponzu sauce. That’s about all I ate today. I need to eat more so tomorrow I am energized and I can continue my pursuit of happiness!

I gotta do something about the belt my brother B. wanted me to modify. I see it every day and I keep using my broken sewing machine as an excuse. That’s not good! I love my brother B. and I should get his belt back to him in a timely fashion!

If only sewing was on my daily task list. Maybe it should be. Maybe it should… But I gotta have a good reason to sew. Like, can I monetize it somehow? Maybe I could make man thongs and sell them like Captain Camo or SWIC or ebabee. It’s funny how I just have these eBay seller names memorized. I’ve given them a lot of business over the years! Ok, maybe not a lot. More business than the average shopper I guess? Yeah, I’ll go with that.

IDK, I think I’d rather spend time improving my software development skills. I think I’m going to shut down my Etsy shop. I think maybe Paracord survival thongs are too much of a niche for anybody to buy. I have had no orders.

Oh hey, a user favorited the item!

I kinda want to pull the plug on the listing right now. But a part of me wants to keep it going. The listing expires in March, at which point it would cost me $0.20 to repost. I guess I’ll keep it live for the moment. I am afraid 7 that someone would actually order. I would have to spend 5 hours relearning how to make the thong! I would have to make sure the customer is happy and I might even have to remake the thong if it didn’t fit the customer properly.

Well, I’m definitely keeping the price on the high side. I don’t want to do it that much, so I must be well paid if I am to do it at all.

I’m at 2000 words. I’m out!

I’m grateful for free cardboard. Even though it was wet and smelly and there were breadcrumbs in some of them, overall I got a good haul and I will be using the dumpster diving method again in the future.

I’m grateful for free advice on YouTube. I just subbed to Cincinnati Picker as I think I could learn a lot from him.

I’m grateful for coconut milk. It has been a staple in my diet the past several months, and using it in curry tends to result in a quality meal.

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