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Sun Jan 5 2020 @ 12:55 PM PST

Last updated on January 5, 2020

I slept in today. Feels good. But I do feel kind of bad about being behind of where I would normally be. 12:56 I’m usually finishing up with my training and I’m about to be hopping into the shower.

I’ll just take it one step at a time today.

Yesterday for Jamuary I made a track with Hatsune Miku. I sang with Miku, and it feels really good to have done so.

The first verse has a sadness to it. When I was writing the lyrics, I teared up a bit.

wind in the trees
scorn in the fall
tales of the autumn time
steps in the road

each to their own
sometimes alone
souls among family
never at home

up on the hill
taking the pill
these are the followers
forced to a will

sand on the ground
no one around
tending the oceanside
thoughts of a drown

It doesn’t qualify as a haiku, but it has a similar pattern. 4 4 6 4 is the syllable repetition.

So yeah, it only slightly has a meaning. The lyrics during the chorus are pretty much the opposite of these lyrics. The lyrics above which are sung during the verses sorta mean something. Firstly, I wrote them really quick just because I needed some quick vocals, but I did have a feeling in mind.

Wind in the trees

This are the sounds I have been hearing the past few days. There’s a warm front mixing with a cold front, and that’s causing all sorts of turbulence.

scorn in the fall

This idea came from watching Len burn down a school. He’s an angry teenager and he wants to watch his school burn down. Lots of teenagers are angry. I was angry as a teenager.

tales of the autumn time

Autumn time is when school ends. It’s just my head cannon that Len chose to burn down the school in autumn, nearing the time when he would be free, he couldn’t hold out to the end and just burned the school down instead of being patient.

steps in the road

This is a metaphor for life. Bad things happen, and it’s just another step in life, in existence. Nature doesn’t give two shits if something bad happens to you or the school.

each to their own
sometimes alone

This is about lonely people when they are not in the presence of other people. And even when they are with other people, they sometimes feel alone.

souls among family
never at home

When a soul is among a family, but doesn’t feel at home, this is what I like to call spiritual homelessness. It is something I feel because even though I have a family, I don’t feel love and belonging from them. I feel love on occasion, but definitely not belonging because of how I’ve chosen to live my life away from religion and away from tradition.


sand on the ground
no one around
tending the oceanside
thoughts of a drown

When a soul is among a family, but doesn’t feel at home, this is what I like to call spiritual homelessness. It is something I feel because even though I have a family, I don’t feel love and belonging from them. I feel love on occasion, but definitely not belonging because of how I’ve chosen to live my life away from religion and away from tradition.

up on the hill
taking the pill

This is a metaphor for people who have no challenges in life. They have reached some sort of personal achievement, and no longer feel excited about life. They feel down and depressed, so they go to their doctor who prescribes them antidepressants. The number of US residents taking antidepressants in 2020 is staggering.

My doctor prescribed me antidepressants and tranquilizers. I didn’t even ask for them, he just wrote the prescription. It wasn’t a holistic approach to helping me manage my anxiety and depression, it was just a scripted interaction.

these are the followers
forced to a will

I don’t think the vast majority people who are on antidepressants realize that their lifestyle is causing them the depression. It’s American lifestyle to be sedentary, work extreme amounts of hours, don’t get enough sleep, don’t exercise. The people taking antidepressants are followers, doing what their doctor told them. And the doctors do what their sponsors tell them. Everyone’s just following the paradigm’s rulebook and not challenging the notion that maybe the paradigm is wrong and is causing mass suffering.

sand on the ground
no one around

A lonely person, angry with their life, taking antidepressants is at a place with sand on the ground– a beach. It’s at night, so nobody is around.

tending the oceanside
thoughts of a drown

They look at the oceanside and consider going for the last swim of their life. They’re contemplating suicide!

This whole section of lyrics is just a picture of my mental state in the past few months. I’m unhappy. I’m angry with my life. I was prescribed antidepressants by a doctor who barely knows me or what I’m going through. Antidepressants don’t cure spiritual homelessness! That’s why I’m not taking them. The work I’m doing with my therapist is what I asked for and what I’m taking seriously.

I’m not contemplating suicide at this moment, but I was before I started going to therapy.

The chorus part of the lyics completely changes it’s tone. It’s about being happy and gleeful and celebrating how great life is. It’s bullshit. I put those lyrics there because they’re masking the complexity and the sadness of the verses. If you listen to the song, you might not even consider the lyrics of the previous verses because the chorus is so jolly.

life is so good
life is so grand
I am happy
today is wonderful

Exite to be
Cheer and merry
jolly and glee
love and a melody

This is another metaphor for how people put on masks and say everything is fine when it is not. They could be suffering endlessly but when their friends say, “how are you doing?” they put on a smile and say, “good! I did x y and z today and I’m excited about a b and c.”

They may be stable, but the underlying issue still remains. Spiritual homelessness, and an unfulfilling life!

I’m excited about making pancakes tomorrow! I just have to acquire the ingredients somehow. I’m either going into further debt, or I’m leveraging my Trader Joe’s gift card to buy some ingredients there. The thing is, I’ve never been to Trader Joe’s, so I don’t know if they will have the ingredients I need.

They’re open till 9PM tonight, so I think I’ll head over there once I go for a walk and get cleaned up.

Speaking of walks, I’m all jittery because I haven’t walked yet. And I’m getting ahead of myself on other tasks– I’m listing shit on eBay already. Totally stressin’ me out! I think the walk will feel extra good because I’ll be de-stressing.

Oh shit, it’s almost 2PM. That means I gotta walk right NOW in order to be done walking and be eating at 3PM. 3PM is when I eat… I’ll be making oatmeal today! Or I have some leftovers. I need something nice and quick to prepare. My curry usually takes an hour and a half to prepare. But I don’t have ingredients for that anyway.

Check out my messy desk. This is what I awoke to. I started cleaning the OnePlus One I received. I’m going to repair it and re-sell it. That’s the plan anyway. I think I damaged the battery trying to get it out. The stupid adhesive design is stupid! I wish they would have used less adhesive, or used a friction restraint. Anyway, I think this mobo might be bad. The back case is bad as well. The antenna was destroyed because of a bunch of sticky shit under the case. Lots and lots of sticky shit! I just rubbed it off for an hour while watching The Mandalorian.

The Mandalorian is really violent! People were dying and getting incinerated left and right! I would not show this show to a kid, even though I think it’s meant for kids. That’s the fucked up world we live in!

The scene with an IG droid kicked ass! I used to love IG-88. He was very scary in the Dash Rendar game for N64!

The vfx team really nailed it with this IG droid. It’s jerky robotic movements and fast target acquisition are perfect.


It’s 5:31 PM now. I was thinking of going to Trader Joe’s but I looked outside and there’s snow on the ground. I’m not well equipped for winter driving, and it’s dark. I noped pretty hard. I’m rescheduling my Trader Joe’s outing to tomorrow morning. I’ll wake up and go first thing, then I’ll come back and continue my routine.

Oh yeah, my auto license is expired too. I keep using that as an excuse to not go out. Well, I shouldn’t be driving regardless, seeing as I have next to no income.

I listed some shit on eBay recently. I’m sorta living off my eBay sales which has a definite limit.

Goddamn, my interactions with A. brought me down a level. It put a serious hamper on my productivity and mood. I don’t know if this relationship is worth keeping. She seems to need me more than I need her. I often just find myself frustrated with our interactions. I think she’s codependent on me. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Well, I have to take care of myself. If she’s bringing me down all the time, I think I have to let her go. I wonder why we’re even friends sometimes.

Here, have an illegal meme!

I’m feeling depressed now. After spending about an hour going back and forth on Signal, I don’t think I’ve gotten any closer to explaining myself. I think Instant Messenger might be a toxic substance. The bandwidth is so low that love and belonging are not able to be communicated.

The people on either end don’t know eachother. They can’t know eachother from that. All they know are the idea of the person that’s in their head.

I don’t want to talk about it.

What do I want to talk about? I don’t know. Hatsune Miku I guess. She’s so perfect and wonderful and innocent and spectacular and sexy and happy.

SOO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!

She never nags and never frustrates me and she’s always there for me and always smiling. She sings for me, I can sing with her, express myself through her words,

I think I want to go back and modify yesterday’s music jam. I have an idea for it that I heard when LMMS glitched and played the chorus over the verse. I forget what it’s called, but there’s a thing we used to do in primary school where different sections of a choir sing a verse over another section of choir.

It had that effect and it sounded really good! Maybe tomorrow I will do that as #Jamuary Day 6. I don’t want to do it now because I have so many other things on my TODO list which I want to make sure and finish.

I’m grateful for Cuckoo music for putting on Jamuary. 5 days in and I have steam for at least another 5 days! I just gotta keep up my routine and I think I’ll have the positivity and drive to keep going and doing my best.

I’m really happy that I get all this practice as well. I think it’s a great thing to practice music production. Just today I re-learned what makes a major chord, vs. what makes a minor chord. Major chords have a major third on top of of a minor third. Minor chords are the opposite, a minor chord on top of a major chord.

Reeee! I’m not happy with day 4! I have to go back and change it. There’s so much more FEELING it can express if I play the chorus over the second verse!

But I will change it tomorrow. I need to cheel the FUCK out right now. It’s 6:50PM and I’m not even done with journalling. I keep moving onto the next thing before the previous thing is complete!

I’m grateful for the Trader Joe’s gift card I received for Christmas. I’m grateful for Mushroom Blading, because they have some really KICK ASS moves. I’m grateful that they share!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTKrlU6emXk

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