Sun Mar 22 2020

Just had a disturbing dream. I was a student in some sort of classroom and I had a computer switch which I loaned to the teacher for the duration of the class. In the switch were three SD cards which contained a bunch of important pictures. The switch was used for the duration of the class, after which the class concluded and the switch was returned to me. One of the SD cards was missing and the girl sitting next to me felt responsible and was upset.

I found the SD card in a stack of papers and all was well.

The teacher noted that they were looking for a switch to replace the empty spot in their rack. I offered my switch for $10,000, which the teacher was surprised about and quickly took the offer. They had to go fetch some paperwork for me to sign and the students around me were envious.

The teacher returned with a book. It was a paperback novel, and on the very last page, there were three lines which I had to sign.

I told the teacher I hadn’t read this book so I can’t sign. There could be terms on other pages which the teacher was tricking me into signing. The teacher was confused and looked offended so I said nevermind and begin to sign.

Halfway through signing, another student tried to get me to reconsider. I would be signing away my media company which holds the rights to Julian Assange and this would be bad for justice for me to sign away my company. The terms which Amazon puts in place for media companies states that the teacher won’t be able to shut down the company, the worst he can do is push his agenda putting out media with a twist of his choosing.

Two students in the front row gossipped about the acquisition, and one of them sarcastically made the comment that the teacher would make a, “free Assange” media piece. Both laughed.

I thought a free Assange would be great so I walked back to my desk and began signing the book. The teacher had given me a piece of paper with tax information, three long lines of cryptic text containing numbers and letters.

I was happy to get $10,000 for the switch. I would use it to invest in my eBay business and provide me with some much needed operating capital. So I continued signing the document. It took me a long time to sign because I had been distracted with the other students giving me advice on whether or not to sell my media company.

The teacher returned as I was just starting to sign the doucment. “You’re still signing it? It’s taken hours!”

“yes, I’m sorry. I got distracted.”

I hurried the pace of my copying down the digits as another student sat next to me and started cutting my wrist with a utility blade. He pinned my arm up against he wall and carved it across my arm. I tried to resist but his grip was so strong. After cutting a large slit, he drove the utility blade into my arm where it remained, embedded deep under my flesh with not a piece of the metal exposed. He drove a second utility blade into the slit, which was only partially under the skin.

While I was busy with trying to pull the blades out of my arm, he took the opportunity to sabotage the paperwork. He took another utility blade and cut out a single letter of the document. I had no idea what that letter signified, but apparently it must have been an important part of the agreement that the student wanted to not go through.

Next he took another utility blade and slashed his own face. It looked like he was intending to frame me as the one who started the fight. He slashed my face. I decided to make a proactive defense and I grabbed the second utility blade from my arm and threw it at him, at the same time yelling, “what are you doing?”

The teacher ran up and another student chopped the knife student’s head off using another utility blade, permanently silencing his ability to tell the story of the assault. I was being framed and these two students were against me.

I tried to pull the deeply embedded blade from my arm. It was jammed and progress was slow. This is about where I woke myself up because I was so terribly disturbed. I awoke in a pool of sweat and with a soundtrack playing in my head which sounded like a demented theme song of a teen paranormal movie.

“like a fairy tale fa-fa-fa fairy tale”

I got up and tried to forget about it. I’m still kinda not fully awake, which makes writing about the dream very effortless.

I’m thinking how ridiculous such an agreement between student and teacher would be. First of all, I apparently had a media company. That media company alone would probably support me. Seeing as I have no knowledge of such a media company, and I’m the master of my dreams, I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m the CEO and I do jack shit for the company. I just let my producers run the show, all while I collect a paycheck and do more fun and fulfilling stuff with my life.

Second of all, why the fuck was my media company getting suddenly wrapped in with the $10,000 switch? What a rip off! I’d refuse to sign and I’d talk to the teacher immediately. You want my media company? I’m all ears, but that shit’s gotta be a separate transaction. Here’s your receipt for the switch, now hand over the money.

$10,000 is way too little for a media company. $10K for a switch sounds high, but that could be a kickass switch and I don’t think a $10K switch is unheard of. Hell, it’s got 3 SD card slots in it, which tells me that it’s more than just a switch, it’s a full featured server computer which I was using as an overpriced external hard drive!

Another thing I’m remembering from earlier in the dream was that I was back in Eugene, Oregon with my old roommates, V. and his son D. D. and I were in his room working on a video game late at night. V. wanted D. and I to go to bed so D. could get up early for school. D. refused and our video game was more important. D. and I coded the game until V. discovered that D. was still up and he freaked the fuck out, yelling at D. and I. The weird thing was that D.’s room was my sister K.’s room from my childhood home. That room was also my room at some point in time, which is why the dream was set there.

V. barging into the room was a similar thing that happened to me as a kid. The whole dream was similar to a real life experience I had with my dad.

I was a video game addict in high school. I would secretly stay up till 2am every night playing Desert Combat online. I would be so tired in the morning that I wouldn’t be able to get up and get to school on time. I eventually got dropped out because of my lack of attendance.

At one point, my mom tried to wake me up and I refused to get up. “I’m too tired!”

My dad came into the room and tried the same. “I’m too tired!”

He got really angry and yelled something like, “you think you can just make it in this world with out an education? Someone sold you a crock of shit!”

That was the first time I ever heard him swear. To this day the only other swears I have heard him say were, “pissed off,” which he said at work one time. I don’t even consider that a swear but I know people who do.

I was frightened that he had sweared. Up until that point, I thought he was a good Mormon man who did not have swears in his vernacular. I was so shocked that he had used the “S” word.

He stormed off and I remained in the room, just completely dazed and confused at the incident. I can’t even remember what I did after that. I probably went back to sleep.

That’s what I want to do now. I’m still half awake and almost in a dream state.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in the dream, D. made a kickass game by himself after I had left his room and went to my own. V. later saw it and was incredibly proud of his son.

I wish there was an event like that in real life. I wonder how D. and V. are doing today? V.’s existence was kind of a shitshow when I lived with him. He was an alcoholic and a smoker and he could barely hold his job. Last I heard, they moved to Vancouver. V. probably lost his job. It’s only logical given his lack of attendance.

Life is crazy, man!

I had all these dreams of being stabbed and the kid mutilating his own face. I wonder why that dream went there? I was obviously uncomfortable and overheating in my body, but for some reason my mind went to cutting and being attacked.

I wonder if listening to JRE has anything to do with it. I’m interested in trying Tae Kwon Do, which has a lot to do with attacks and sparring. I think a little bit of the thought of someone overpowering me with their skills is on my mind. Moreso with the stories I hear of Brasilian Ju Jitsu. In that martial art, the name of the game is maneuvering into submission holds where it leaves the opponent overpowered and vulnerable. I guess I’m thinking about being in that state, pinned on the ground and with my life in the other person’s hand.

Maybe this dream is a rehearsal for such an incident. Where a fellow student wins a bout and has me dead to rights. It’s not going to be a life or death thing in a well respected school. Instead, it’s going to be a humbling experience and one that I can learn from. In a school, a safe place to be physically vulnerable, is where I can learn to prevent similar situations from happening in daily life.

Crazy dreams, man! I almost feel guilty for having them. I dreamed this? This is some demented, disturbing shit! Maybe I’m equally demented and disturbed?

That’s the thought, but I have to check the facts. My subconscious under the influence of natural, brain produced N,N-Dimethyltryptamine can be a deeply disturbing entity. It’s only natural for that combination to produce vivid hallucinations of all types, good or bad. Happy or sad. Those halleucinations don’t equal my character. My character is much more complex, and I have much more skin in the game when it comes to character. DMT gives me a ride, whereas my character has a steering wheel and pedals.

I wonder if COVID-19 has anything to do with these dreams. Am I feeling vulnerable to this virus? Yes. I feel vulnerable to the virus itself. I may catch it and there’s not much I can do about it. I can keep myself in the best shape as possible, and defend against it, but this virus doesn’t give a shit that I don’t want the virus. It’s going to infect me whether I want it to or not.

I’m feeling more vulnerable to people who might be freaking out and looking for resources from their fellow man. Luckily, I haven’t heard any reports of such things, but I am a little concerned about neighboring people trying to break in my apartment and steal from me.

Jealousy? Yes, I suppose it’s jealousy. Jealousy in part. The other part is that my physical boundaries would be penetrated by an intruder… That would make me angry and afraid, not jealous.

I’m so tired. I think I might go back to sleep. Look at that, 2000 words already. I’m glad I took a moment to write down this dream. Otherwise I probably would have forgot about it, and not processed the feelings and the memories it evoked.

I really enjoy mindfulness! I think it is a great to live, being mindful of what I am feeling, and what I am doing. I found myself zoning out on multiple occasions yesterday while I ate food. I noticed it, and brought my attention back to my food and my eating. I felt the texture of the food in my mouth. I smelled the aroma. I envisioned the appearance. I tasted the spices.

I have had problems with overeating where I zone out and watch youtube while I eat. I still do that quite a lot. I think it’s better for me when I think about my food, be grateful for my food, and be present with my food.

Mindfulness! It’s excellent.

55. I choose to see each obstacle as an opportunity to grow.
56. I will step out of my comfort zone and try something new today.
52. I choose to be brave and tell others if I need support.

I’m grateful for mindfulness, because it helps me be present in my own life and live with intention.

I’m grateful for dreams, because they allow me to reflect on what I’m feeling inside.

I’m grateful for my air camp pad, which supports me as I sleep and keeps me comfortable.

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