Sun Mar 8 2020

Apparently daylight savings time happened this morning. Oh yeah, my wall clock says 9:30AM but my clock on my computer says 10:30. I totally missed Sangha service, LOL.

Not a big deal. I probably wasn’t going anyway. I dunno why, maybe the lasting effect that the mushrooms had has worn off, and I’m not feeling as spiritual. Buddhism will always be there for me when I need it. I still have the books that I’m learning from as well.

I was thinking of going outside and walking rather than going to SBT anyway. Focusing on my self care is a good plan for today.

It’s nice to have an analog wall clock. I find myself looking at it several times every day. It’s nice to have a “dumb” device such as a clock which I can always rely on for raw, unaltered data. That’s one thing about computers where they aren’t always trustworthy. They could have a virus, they could be offline, they could be glitched… They’re such complex machines that there’s literally a million+ things that could go wrong.

Today I want to do laundry, do exercise, play board games with my parents… Oh yeah, today is Mahjong day. I could play that… Hmm… The social thing… I have a hard time wanting to do social activities, because I can’t be myself in those scenarios. Yesterday at board game day I was buttoned up so tight. I was able to take a look at what I was feeling using the DBT method. I was able to identify my feeling as fear, but I couldn’t figure out what I was afraid of.

I don’t think there was a specific thing.

I do know that I became much more relaxed once B. left for the day. She left early and D. took over her seat while we played Villainous. B. does this thing where she dominates conversations. I also found her speaking for me which I never appreciate. I suppose any friend would do this, where someone talks about vegetarianism and B. brought up that I was vegan. Or people talked about their programming jobs and B. brought up that I was a java developer. She gets that wrong every time, but I don’t try to correct her anymore because I don’t think she realizes there’s a difference and I don’t care either way. To be regarded as a Java developer is fine with me, and I can always clear it up 1 on 1 if someone inquires further about it.

Anyway, I think any friend would do that– bring up that I have interests being discussed. They’re helping break the ice for me and I can chime in and say more on the subject. I could have said it myself if I wanted to join the conversation. I don’t think I wanted to join the conversation. I think I’m afraid of talking in a group because I can’t please everyone. In a group, I have to be okay with who I am and accept that people might not like me. I can’t manipulate my mannerisms and attitude and interests according to the person being talked to.

I can’t create a profile for every person I talk to if I’m talking to everyone at once. I think that’s a big part of my problem. It’s a codependency problem and I really need to get my ass to CoDA every week because I think it’s my biggest issue in the way of me being able to relax in a social setting.

Being seen and being vulnerable, rather than remaining in the shadows and being untouchable.

Connection, love and belonging are available for me if I can open myself to vulnerablility. If I close out the opportunities for vulnerability, I’m going to be stuck with shame, fear, blame, and disconnection.

Holy shit, that makes so much sense. Fear is a huge result of shame. I’m ashamed of myself so I can only feel fear and disconnection. I didn’t feel connected to the group yesterday. N. in the group was not okay with me winning Villainous to the point where he googled ways to sabotage my win condition. Well, I’m 100% sure he didn’t single me out. He didn’t want anyone but himself to win the game, I think that much was obvious.

I appreciate N.’s competitiveness. I was doing the same thing. I wanted to win. Honestly I’d rather play Mahjong than that game again, because there’s less madness, sabotage, and skullduggery in Mahjong, and more focus on coming up with a good hand.

Nah, I’ll play it again, if that’s what’s available to play.

One thing I really dislike about board games is the fact that rules are sometimes forgotten or bent. While we were playing the robot game for example. There was a time when I don’t think T. moved my robot on the conveyor belt. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure. The thing is, the steps in the per-turn process can be forgotten because people forget to do things. People are inconsistent. The computer doesn’t forget who’s turn it is, doesn’t forget what to do each turn, doesn’t make mistakes or miscalculations… Computer games have a lot better time with rules.

I think I’m going to play more video games because of this. Squad is my favorite game right now, and for good reason. It’s an amazing game!

Well, I suppose I have to moderate the shit outta my time spent on games. I can have a real problem with video games. Last night for example, I stayed up past midnight playing Squad by myself. Nobody was on, server numbers were dwinding. We got down to 13 versus 5 in the server I was in last night. I ended up disconnecting after my team lost their last in-field spawnpoint.

I would have been better off had I quit the game earlier, when it was apparent that games were winding down and that I was tired.

I just kept thinking, “one more game.”

I gotta be really careful about that. I can easily fall into old traps of being stuck in a game to avoid my problems.

I’m downloading Counter-Strike: Global Offensive. I really like that it’s a Linux native game. I don’t know how much I’ll play it, if at all. At this point I think I’d rather reboot into Windows to play Squad.

I want to up my hours in Squad so I can keep up with my brother B. and my friend S. They’re both really good Squad players and they make a habit of topping the scorecharts. They get pretty competitive, keeping track of and tallying the most number of kills per week.

I’m so stoked to receive the cards I won via Buyee. Really stoked indeed. I’m going to be doing a lot of photographing and listing after that. I suppose I’ll do some photographing and listing today, since I can’t think of anything better to do. I have a bunch of Weiss Schwarz Hatsune Miku Project DIVA cards which aren’t on eBay yet, that I’d like to get listed and sorted and organized.

I’m thinking that most of my Weiss Schwarz cards aren’t going to sell on eBay. There are much better deals for players on TCGplayer or eBay itself. I’m targeting the high-end audience who loves a character but doesn’t play the game, but even then, I think there are so many Weiss Schwarz cards on eBay that it doesn’t make much sense to list the commons for $7.

Maybe I’ll do a 4 pack of the commons. I’ll have to think of a good way to separate those when I store them in boxes. Perhaps a playset box in addiition to boxes reserved for singles? I’ll have to think about that. I suppose I could just make the cards $1 instead of $7. That’s probably a better idea which would simplify inventory.

I think creative writing is becoming more and more difficult as my brain ages. Maybe creative writing was easier a few weeks ago, because my mind had been massaged by magic mushrooms. Perhaps it’s something else, such as practicing chant meditation or having new social experiences?

What I’m getting at is that my imagination seems to have tapered off. My imagination seemed to have returned a few weeks ago, but now it’s gone again. I’m thinking that imagination is only present when my brain is undergoing change. Change from learning or change from new experiences. I have been having less of those lately, and more time in seclusion.

Hatsune Miku is a wonderful girl. She’s incredibly talented and beautiful and her sky radiates love and warmth.

Megurine Luka is elegant and sexy and her hair flows wonderfully. I’m surprised that Luka wasn’t on the LUX commercial featuring Scarlet Johanson. Luka has the hair that makes me wonder how she keeps it so wonderful. Actually I’m not surprised at all, because Miku is waaaaaaay more popular than Luka. Miku is #1, Rin is #2, and Luka is probably #4. Len might be #3, I’m not really sure. The only two I’m sure of are Miku and Rin.

I’m going by the number of people in the VOCALOID Discord who have Miku and Rin roles. Miku has the most followers by a large margin, followed by Rin.

I’m just brain dumping, looking for anything to write about. I suppose I have not brain dumped in awhile which is probably why I haven’t been getting to 2000 words as of late. I keep trying to make a good article which recounts my day, but I haven’t been talking a whole lot about feelings.

I suppose I have talked about fear quite a bit. Fear is omnipresent with me, whenever I leave the house. I’m afraid of being looked at by a stranger. I’m afraid that the neighbor who has two large storage sheds will see me. I’m afraid that the neighbor who drives an ATV and has several large dogs will see me. I’m afraid that the neighbor in the front of the house who just moved into A.’s old house will see me. They have a dog that doesn’t know the property boundries and came running up to me. I extended my hand and tried to be friendly but I thought it was about to bite me so I drew back my hind. Then it looked at me in silence for a second before barking. I just walked off, angry that I couldn’t make friends with a dog. I was annoyed that the dog came up to me in my parent’s driveway which should be off-limits for the neighbor’s goodboy.

I think about that every time I go to get the mail. I look for the neighbor’s cars in their driveway and hope that they and their dog are not home.

I’m afraid that joggers or cyclists or motorists will see me when I approach the mailbox. Joggers are the most scary, because they move the slowest of the three and there would be more time for awkward hellos. I wrote hellos, instead of stares. I suppose that’s a good improvement. In the past I would not have said hello unless spoken to. Now I think it’s okay for me to be the first one to say hello.

I’m afraid of the neighbor on the other side of the driveway who sometimes does plaint maintenance or gate maintenance near their mailbox. That would be the worst case scenario because they’re stationary and they probably would want to have a conversation.

“I don’t want to talk to you, I want to get my mail and go back to my house!”

I wish I could be rude. I wish I could say what I was thinking.

Instead I’d be nice and I’d laugh and smile and nod. Fuck, why am I so scared of something so silly? Maybe they’re thinking something similar. Maybe they would want to get back to their work and they were scared of 6 foot 4 inch dressed-in-black, near-silent Chris. Yeah, maybe they’re in the zone, in their happy place, and they just want to stay there.

I could be a nuisance to them as much as they are to me. But we’re all in this together and we have shit we want to do and our paths happened to cross. So I guess I can be friendly for a moment and get on my way.

Well that was a surprisingly constructive exercise. I took a moment to consider that I’m not the only one, and I tried to see a view which was other than my own. It could be completely wrong, but if I consider how I’m feeling with the thought that, “I’m not the only one,” then it becomes a little easier to brainstorm.

11:38 AM. Whoah I’m at 2000 words. Brain dumps kick ass!

Ok I’m out.

99. I will listen to that whisper of hope that says, ‘you can do it, try again.’
5. I can handle this one step at a time.
63. I choose to let the past go and move on to the future.

I’m grateful for gluten free pasta which tastes amazing and has wonderful texture, all while not wreaking havoc on my digestive system.

I’m grateful for vegan alfredo sauce because it’s absolutely delicious. I haven’t had that for a long time and I think I’m going to put it on my shopping list!

I’m grateful for dreams. I think I had some last night but I can’t remember then. They’re fun and a good reminder of what my subconscious mind is feeling.

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