Sun Nov 22 2020

Straightup DMT dreams tonight. So much so, that I was dreaming about being on DMT.

Me at a convention and a guy comes up to me asking me if I enjoyed acid.

No, but I enjoy DMT.

Is that because you don’t like acid?

No it’s because I like Mushrooms.

Why you gotta do that?

I’m sorry, let’s hug it out


Fuck the government!

*dude takes off on jetpack*

The next dream was this dream where I was watching an interactive 3d show, but everything was interactive and I could watch the show from any and all angles, simultaneously. As I moved around the show, the characters in the show look at me and make eye contact with me as if I’m a part of the show. My mind was blown that the characters saw me and their heads turned to see mine. I was totally trippin’ at this point, with wild fractal repeating faces and fractal repeating dimensions. At first I was scared, but then I practiced some anti-anxiety mindfulness and told myself, “so what it’s mindblowingly weird. I don’t want to be afraid, so I won’t be.”

The next dream is slipping from my memory as I wake up this morning. It might come back to me and I’ll write it, but now it seems like I cannot remember.

I’m going to let that memory go. It has already moved on as my brain returns to a reality with rules and such. I don’t often dream like I did last night, but I think that the day I had yesterday has everything to do with how my dreams were. They were incredibly vivid and lucid. Physics as I know them didn’t have a bearing on what I saw. Objects folded into themselves and extended compressed versions of themselves outwards in all directions, forming a pinecone-like shape. I was completely aware that at the time I was seeing these things, that my pineal gland was responsible.

It physically felt like my third eye was open. I woke up momentarily and I was seeing a soft red glow in the middle of my vision, while my mind’s eye continued to apply the pinecone-like transformations to objects that I saw with my regular photon-sensitive eyes.

I fell back asleep and had some more wild DMT dreams, of which I was pleased to see.

Yesterday I had a lengthy and emotionally intensive meditation session where it felt like my third eye was released of some sort of burden. I completely surrendered to my emotions as tears rolled down my face. During meditation it almost felt like that third eye was about to open. Perhaps this relief from emotional burden was what made me so open to the unfamiliar and perhaps disturbing dream state. Perhaps it’s what prepared my third eye to secrete DMT.

The dreams kept coming all night long.

This morning I’m not feeling particularly rested, although I do feel content with staying up for now. I’ve had days where I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep, but this day I don’t feel that way.

Yesterday I exercised, I experienced a variety of emotions, I ate a large and nutritious lunch at my sister K’s house which she prepared for me, I had a great time and felt loved and overjoyed. I felt excited for lunch before it happened, I felt anxious and then relieved before and after I shared at CoDA. I meditated for almost an hour and I completely surrendered to what I was feeling, letting things go.

I felt angry for a moment when I played Stormworks with friends and I heard an opinion in which I felt personally attacked. I let that anger go.

The point is that I was excited and invigorated and physically and mentally challenged yesterday. I think I had some rapid brain change in the form of cathartic sharing at CoDA. I was shaking and holding back tears.

Basically it was a perfect day. Perhaps the best day of my life. I could have died happy yesterday, and I think that’s why my dreams were as they were.

I also forgot to take my vitamins yesterday. Could that have attributed? I’m not going to stop taking my vitamins though.. For now, I’m retaining the good habits I have, part of which are taking vitamins religiously.

I was thinking that fluoride would prevent dreams like this. Fluoride is said to calcify the pineal gland after all, and that’s what’s responsible for producing DMT. I think there are foods which decalcify the pineal gland. Maybe I ate some of those substances yesterday? I definitely had food that I don’t normally eat– Beyond Meat patties. They are so yummy!

Or maybe it really was meditation which prepared my brain to do it’s wild thing? Or maybe it’s a combination of all?

This brings me to wonder… Would I have even more trippy dreams if I quit ingesting fluoride? This might be something to experiment with.

It’s Sunday. Happy Sunday! Today I don’t have any plans other than to do laundry. Oh yeah, I have Sangha service today! Last week I joined the livestream via Facebook, rather than joining the Zoom meeting. I didn’t join Zoom because I was a few minutes late, and I think the hosts have notification sounds enabled. I think those notification sounds could be disruptive so I just kept to the Facebook video.

Anyway, there’s an opportunity to mingle after the sangha service if I join the Zoom call. I don’t know about meeting people via Zoom… That sounds like a bad way to socialize, because there really can’t be more than one conversation going on at a time. A big crowd of people are literally going to have to be patient and wait while two people talk.

This sounds like a fear! I don’t want to be in the spotlight. I don’t want to take people’s time.

5:45 PM. I just finished 4 pomodoro sessions of eBay listing. I’m out of card storage box space! I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and buy some card storage boxes. I found a brand less expensive than BCA which I’m probably going to go for. I’ll purchase 50 boxes which each hold 800 cards. Right now I have roughly 11 boxes in that same size, and I’m using 16 4x4x4 boxes as overflow for Weiss Schwarz cards.

I’ll be set for awhile, indeed!

Maybe like 6 months, to be honest. LOL I have really been accelerating the rate at which I list.

Anyway, enough about work. Today I did yoga and walked and I encountered my parents walking while I walked. My mom walked with me for a bit and we talked about Christmas plans and painting and exercise. Then my dad showed up and we all walked together for a bit and talked about power tools and my dad’s back problems.

I think the conversation went well until I started talking about Joe Rogan’s podcast and how Joe and some of his guests have used stemcell treatments on their damaged disks with great success.

I think I was a bit long winded in saying what I said above, and there was just silence after that. I think I made a mistake in making advice which was not asked for.

I think a better way to go about this would be to ask, “what do you think about stem cell treatments?”

I’m figuring out how good conversations work, and I think what I was doing was expressing my beliefs. That’s fine when it’s a topic, but that wasn’t the topic. The topic was back problems and solutions my dad was looking into. I was trying to push stemcell injection treatment as a solution because I think it’s a better solution than the one my dad was talking about.

But here’s the thing. It’s not my problem. I’m not an expert. I’m not even doing research on the subject, I just happened to hear good things about stem cell injection treatment…

Anyway, I don’t feel guilty about it. My dad is my primary shame trigger so it’s difficult to navigate our conversations without getting sent into a shame spiral.

It’s important that I do detective work and not immediately blame myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. I just made a mistake in eloquent communication.

Having a communication that is honest between both people and one which is inquisitive rather than pushy is one where each party are just asking questions.

“What do you think of x?” rather than “I heard of this one treatment”

“How’s life?” rather than, “Are you doing good?”

Fuck, I’m not making any sense. I’m not seeing logic in these examples. I think I might just be sad because this was a missed opportunity to get closer to my father.

But really, do I want that? I don’t think I do. I think I want to move the fuck out of his property.

That’s a moot point. Fack fuck fook. I think I say that I don’t want to be close to my father because I had what felt like a failed conversation.

I don’t think it was failed though. There were a lot of other factors at play. The sun had set long before we started walking. We were past twilight and it was hard to see the path. My dad never even planned to walk with my mom and I because he was going to inspect some of his project trees.

What actually happened was that he walked 2 or 3 laps with my mom and I before he broke off and went to inspect the trees. I’d say it was a conversation success because I spent most of the time listening, I didn’t feel inferior, I asked lots of questions and I was involved with the topic.

That was a successful conversation, yo!

Ok good detective work. Mhm, yes. Confirmative.

8 minutes left to write

The plans for the remainder of today are

  • code (50 minutes)
  • mediate (15 minutes)
  • socialize/game (2.5 hours)

Uh, yep! I can’t think of much else to say, except that these last two weeks were a major success in terms of working on my social anxiety. I didn’t go a single day without a 1+ hour conversation with someone. I felt lonely less overall, happy more overall, and in tune with me emotions more overall.

I had angry times, too, and I let myself be angry. I felt sad and frustrated and I processed those feelings rather than letting them grow to be a problem.

I’m doing really good, and I’m going to continue this trend.

Wraping up with badass affy & gratty

11. I am deserving of the very best. The good good stuff!

I’m grateful for the walk in the backyard with my mom and my dad and their dogs. It was nice to see them and it was nice to get a hug from my mom.

I’m grateful for the people who are courageous enough to give me a hug that lasts more than 2 seconds. It’s that kind of loving courage that inspires me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I’m grateful for imitation cheese and meat. I can’t stop thinking about the Beyond Meat burger patties that I had yesterday. They were super tasty, and I felt really good after eating them! Same with the Daiya cheese sticks, those were super tasty and guilt-free.

See the crazy thing is that I don’t even buy those things usually.. I don’t know if it’s healthy to eat those very often (because of the fat content) which is why I avoid them. I don’t plan on changing that, but I think I am going to be more open about them. This might call for some research, but I think the positive mental effects of eating these things are enough to warrant an occasional splurge.

Excelsior, Opportunity, and yummy food!

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