Sun Oct 11 2020

I feel a depression coming on, and it has everything to do with the changing weather.

I am cold. I used my heater for the first time in several months. It’s even colder outside (Mostly Cloudy, 47 degrees F, wind 7mph, humidity 76) and I don’t want to go exercise because of that fact.

I dread having to adjust to the changing season.

A few days ago, I changed my vitamin regimen to every other day. I think it is already having a negative effect on me, so I’m going to go ahead and change that right back to every day.

Brb eating foods

I wonder if I’m experiencing a hangover from socializing yesterday?

I walked 40 laps around the back yard, then I started my laundry and took a shower. I am feeling a bit angry today. I’m not really sure why. I think it might be the social hangover that I mentioned. I think it might be because I had a good time last night, and I feel as if the good time is over and I have to go back to being lonely.

I have an urge to jump into code today, and cease thinking about the uncomfortable feelings that I’m experiencing.

I opened up today’s Seattle Betsuin Livestream and I got angry and I paused the video. I am angry that I don’t have any clean underwear. That’s not true, I have clean thongs but no clean boxers. Sexy underwear is available, confy undies are not. I’m peeved because all I want to do right now is not think about my emotions, but I cannot code just yet, because my morning checklist is not complete. I have meditation and journalling to complete before I can jump into work.

I am not comfy. I feel bloated from eating food. These jeans that I’m wearing are stinky because they’ve been in my drawer all year without me having worn them.

If it’s not apparent, I am not having a good day. I started off the day not wanting to go outside and exercise. I finally got my ass outside and walked 40 laps, and now I feel sad and angry after having done the exercise.

Fuck shit cock cunt fucking conyo.

Swearing in two languages is extra juicy.

Waifu pussy was a great sample. I hope Ironmouse finishes that track. That sample takes me straight to boner town. I like boner town.

Fucking seems like a nice thing to do right now. I think fucking or working can have similar effects on avoiding emotions. Mindlessly doing either is a way to escape and not think. Mindfully doing either is completely possible and worthwhile as well, but that’s not what I’m feeling like doing right now.

Melody scheduled a Chaturbate stream today, but about an hour ago she tweeted that she stayed up all night watching Promised Neverland. 😆 Last night she also pushed back today’s CB stream by 2 hours. I’m going to be surprised if she streams her CB stream at all today. My guess is that she’ll rest up for her later Twitch stream. That’s what I would do.

OMG these jeans are making me nauseous with how they smell. Off they go! I really need some new clothes. The pants I wear the most have lots of holes in them. Most my shirts are worn out and stretched out.

I’m texting a friend that I haven’t talked to in months. I pretty much ghosted him after I quit the airsoft electronics project that I was working on with him. I told him I wanted to return the airsoft stuff to him, and the money from the donation jar from when we used to put on games together. I’m proud of myself. That donation jar has been in my cabinet for years and I haven’t taken money from it for any personal reason no matter how broke I’ve been. I’ve been an good treasurer.

Anyway, he wants to meet for food sometime. His treat! I’m not good at accepting gifts, but I’m just remembering the words of my therapist and how she said it’s okay for my friends to want to be nice and gift me something.

So I said yes and now I guess we have to schedule a time. I’m not sure how it’s going to work with me having to carry stuff down to the restaurant and make the exchange. I guess I’ll just be open about how I’m not driving right now. I’d rather not get a ride from him in addition to getting a free meal.. that’s too much. It hurts my pride thinking about that.

“It hurts my pride” sounds like a way of avoiding the associated emotions.

What’s the actual issue?

IDK. I’m eating lunch.

Texting is so stupid. This conversation has carried on for an hour at this point and all we’ve done is said hello and expressed a desire to meet. As I wait for a response, I’m having all this self doubt and anxiety about meeting.

Does he hate me, and he’s just wanting to talk because he’s being nice? Do I actually want to meet and talk? Should I say no and ghost him again?


Reaching out was my idea. I have wanted to give him the donation money. I have wanted to return the electronics that he paid for. I have wanted to do this of my own accord, because I feel guilty about holding onto the donation money for so long, after having quit airsoft. I want to contact him, return his stuff, and move on with my life.

I am going to meet him, catch up, return his stuff, and that’s going to be that. I have to remember my mission, set healthy boundaries, but meeting with friends is part of how I can work forward towards my goal of experiencing less social anxiety.

I can say no if he invites me to play airsoft. I don’t need the exercise anymore, because I have that covered. I don’t want the experience anymore. I don’t want to spend the time and the money.

“I don’t want to airsoft.”

I can say that, because it’s the truth.

My biggest wish in life is to achieve financial stability through my own small business. I want nothing more than to remain laser focused in this effort. I want fewer distractions, and NO side hustles.

“The most successful people say no to almost everything”

Warren Buffet(?)

I want to say no. I want to get good at saying no. This meeting will be practice to that end.

I also want to be more closer to my authentic self. The self that says, “fuck” as if it’s nothing. The self that speaks his mind and is uninhibited by social interactions.

This is all a means to that end!

CBT shit

Personal Goals and Action Plan

1. Write three goals that are important to you that you can focus on and work towards to help improve your resiliency. Explain briefly how these goals might improve your overall ability to cope and live a better life.

  1. Have a conversation with another person every day for at least 30 minutes.
  2. Ask for a hug.
  3. Do not feel like I have to perform when I am having a conversation with another person.

1 and 2 helps me not be lonely. 3 helps me feel authentic.

2. Following each goal write in parentheses which life domain each one is in. Do you feel these goals reflect the areas of your life that you feel least able to deal with? Explain your answer..

I wrote them all assuming that I was focusing on the life domain that I already chose to work on– Social Support.

Yeah this area is hard for me to deal with well. Reaching out is very difficult for me because I feel like I’m bothering the people. In the case of me texting R. and setting up a meeting, I feel like I don’t want to spend time with him because I’m a weirdo vegan and he’s a Christian and I’m a Buddhist and we have too much which is different between us for the two of us to exist in the same social circle. So really I want to give him the stuff and close the chapter of my life where the two of us interacted.

Probably won’t be that simple, but who knows.

I think I glossed over the hot thought. The hot thought is that I feel like I’m bothering him whenever I interact with him. He’s a very generous person and he’s always buying people meals and being really congenial and he’s a great host.

I feel like I don’t deserve that because I haven’t worked as hard as he has. I haven’t put up with as much as he has. I haven’t formed as many relationships with people has he has. I haven’t won as many friends or hearts and minds as he has. I feel like a lesser class than him.


3. Identify any obstacles or barriers that may challenge you in your pursuit of these goals

It’s really just getting it done. I have to prioritize it. A barrier is simply not prioritizing it. Another barrier is skipping exercise and all the checklist items LOL. But I’m pretty good at getting those really important checklist items done.

4. What will you do to help reduce the impact of these obstacles or barriers?

Hmm that’s a good question. Right now, the biggest thing propelling me forward is knowing that I gotta talk to K. in a week. I don’t want to be in the situation where I’m starting up that Zoom call and I don’t have any good news to tell her. It’s accountability that is having the biggest effect on whether or not I smash the obstacle of procrastination.

What can I do though? Accountability is fine and good, but what can I do which will reduce the impact of the barriers?

I can be persistent. I can do my part of scheduling the meeting. I can do my part of making a phone call. I can do my part of filling in that checkbox.

Oh hey, I could make my 30+ minute socializing checkbox a prerequisite for the following checkbox which is something that I look forward to every day. Working on my wiki is the next checkbox. I could say that I have to socialize before I can have my dessert of working on my wiki.

Fuck I don’t think I like that, which probably means that it’s a good plan.

I’m going to half-commit to that right now. I’ll work towards a full commitment.

5. In the event that you ever feel discouraged, what are three ways that you can “improve” your attitude and feeling so you do not give up in trying making personal changes? In other words, what will you do to keep you encouraged and motivated?

The daily checklist. That is all I need to stay encouraged and motivated. It’s got all the things, from work to play to journalling and meditation and yoga and exercise.

6. Describe how you think you will recognize if/when personal progress is made in achieving your goals. What will improvement look like to you?

There’s an easy gauge to see if I’ve made progress. If I pick up the phone and make a call without any hesitation, I have made the progress I’m looking for.

Same goes for Zoom or Discord. If I am excited rather than fearful to join a call, I have made progress.

And I’m not just talking about calls with friends. I’m talking about friends with anybody. Strangers, past acquaintances, anybody.


37. I can make a difference.
38. My past does not define my future, I do.
39. My life is filled with possibility.

I’m grateful for this facking checklist because it keeps me from descending into a dark and depressive place.

I’m grateful for Ironmouse because she’s got a large and attractive, open, authentic and free personality.

I’m grateful for Ayush Sharma who makes tweet-toot and publishes the source code, because it’s a great tool that I will leverage in my business.

I’m grateful that M. came over to play my board game yesterday. It was a lot of fun and I learned a lot about the game’s weaknesses and strengths.


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