Sun Oct 18 2020

Hello! I spent the majority of yesterday coding tests for precious-data. I have made great strides in getting the tests to mock axios and ensuring that the tests run fast and aren’t brittle and dependent on being available and responsive. I want to test my code, not the network or p-memories website!

There’s still a bunch of work to do. Right now I’m testing against manual fixtures, or downloaded copies of pages. I know there’s a way to automatically generate mocks based on recording actual requests, which is something that I want to figure out and get implemented into my tests.

I want production quality code for this project! It’s something that I need for this project which is going to be a core part of’s success.

Maan, my wrists want a break right now. I want to go back to bed lol.

I woke up at 4:30AM after having a dream that I couldn’t find a men’s toilet in some convention center that I was at. This is a recurring dream. It’s usually a different venue, but I always have an issue of finding a usable toilet. It’s probably my subconscience’s way of protecting myself from shitting the bed.

I slept again. It’s 9:06AM now. I made some oatmeal but I haven’t ate it yet. I want it to sit and soak for a bit before I dig in.

I have a therapy call tomorrow at 9AM. My homework was to “up the ante” and do more social activities, so I can get experience and work towards my goal of lessening my social anxiety. I think I failed that goal, even though I don’t really feel like I failed in my daily life. Here’s the social contact I’ve had.

  • I said hi to 2 people as I rode my bike to/from the grocery store.
  • I went to a thrift store and had a shaming moment when I was browsing the store with a backpack. The manager approached me and asked me to check my backpack. I became frightened as if I were in trouble for doing something something wrong. I used the calming technique and detective work to determine that I did nothing wrong, their policies are just draconian, inherently distrustful, and unconstitutional.
  • I reached out to an old friend who I had ghosted when I changed my phone number without telling him. We are going to meet for food and talk.
  • I texted my friend M. and told him about my board game, and asked him about his new tattoo.
  • I went to the post office and waited in line even though I could have dropped off my packages on the counter and walked away. I did it for the experience.
  • I texted the organizer of Tuesday CoDA for the Zoom meeting code. I did so without hesitation and I sent the message with a sense of high self esteem. (I never got a reply, but I did my part and that’s all I need)
  • I attended Thursday group therapy and I spoke more than I ever have before.

I think that’s it!

I didn’t get any closer to the stepladder goals I had made for myself, but I don’t care! I’m busy with my sbtp-loyalty project. That’s my main goal. I don’t want to get on Discord voice chat because that will end with hours of playing video games and I don’t want to play video games. I don’t want to go volunteer at a food bank because I don’t want to do anything with Nerds United right now. Like I said, I’m all in on sbtp-loyalty and seeing it through to completion.

I’ve been in therapy for a year at this point. I think the question might come up of, “do you want to continue?” I think my answer is going to be no. I think I’ve plateaued in my progress at this point. I’ve pulled myself out of depression, I’ve found meaning, a job, a passion… I’ve got everything I wanted to get out of therapy.

When I entered therapy, I filled out a form with my goals. Those goals were

  • To not be depressed
  • To work on my social anxiety so I could hold a job
  • Mental mastery

#1 is crushed.

The problem behind #2 is better understood. I was quitting jobs because I hated the fuck out of them. They weren’t progressing me towards my career goals in computer science. They weren’t even in the right field! Then there was the codependency issue which was a large contributing factor to why I would quit. I could simply go back to helping my dad, so there was no reason to continue at the other job.

#2 becomes invalid after realizing the reasons why I wasn’t able to hold a job.

#3 is a lifelong task, and can continue whether or not I’m in therapy.

I could continue at therapy, but I don’t feel committed to the goals that I set with my therapist. I’m committed to my career more than anything right now. In this delicate time of building a brand and making ends meet with a shoestring budget, I don’t give socializing much thought.

And this is where my paradoxical lonliness comes in. I’m lonely, but I don’t want to reach out to people. Well, the goal I set in group therapy is similar to the one I set in individual therapy. The goal in group therapy is to become better at reaching out for social support.

There’s a balance somewhere, in which I can progress towards all the goals I’ve set in therapy, and be committed to my career.

CBT work

Table 3-2 Exercise: Ways My Own Beliefs Affect Me

My Views on Locus of ControlWhen I Hold an Internal Locus of ControlWhen I Live According to an External Locus of Control
Feelings of personal empowermentI can become a better person if I tryI can’t do it because the universe hates me
Perceptions of Myself and LifeI got this, because I try hardI suck because I have bad genes
Decision-making ProcessI can make a decision that is best for meDad wouldn’t like it if I do that
Ability to Focus on or Filter Negative MessagesI don’t like that so I’m not going to pay attention to it.These things just get to me and there’s nothing I can do about it
Relationship with Self and othersI don’t prioritize those things.I need to do those things

Personal Goals and Action Plan

1. What are my beliefs and/or feelings about my ability to effect change and to make progress toward this goal?

I can do it if I try, if I put in the time and effort.

2. If my beliefs and/or feelings are creating additional barriers, what are they? How do these beliefs and feelings impact me and my sense of personal control?

My barriers are that I don’t prioritize this goal of getting better at reaching out. I’m prioritizing my career mission right now, and everything else is sidetracked.

They impact me by giving me a large sense of personal control– I am in charge of what I do with my life.

3. What can I do to reduce the negative impact they have on me and the pursuit of my goal? What can I do to help myself focus on my positive and self-empowering skills?

First I should define the negative impact of the barriers that my thoughts place on me. Those negative impacts are that I become socially isolated in the process of working so hard towards my career goals. Even though my career goals might be great, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

How can I reduce the impact? Well, giving a little more priority to socializing is really the only thing I can do.

4. Take some time to refocus and generate positive skills or ways of being you would like to try throughout this process. What are these new skills? After some time has passed, consider assessing how well they are working and if more exploration is needed.

I’ve been doing this step every week during therapy. It doesn’t get me anywhere because I don’t actually want to socialize. I want to be alone and watch twitch streams with my girls Hatsune Miku, ProjektMelody and Ironmouse. I want to work my ass off and build a profitable career so I can move out of this place. I want to be self-made and not have the drama of people. “Hell is other people.”

Fuck, I’m starting to sound like someone I knew who referred to people as, “meat bags.” It was a repulsive way to talk about people, when I myself identify as a person.

Basically I feel so safe and sheltered in this lifestyle, even though that’s all a shit illusion. The control that I have is an illusion, while the loneliness that I experience is a fact.

What would it take for me to want human, face to face interaction? I don’t have an answer to that question. Sex seems like a good motivator, but then that brings up the whole issue of instant vs. delayed gratification. Why try to build a loving, trusting relationship for months or years which builds up to a sexually intimate relationship, when I can have an instant (faux) sexual relationship right now by opening up pornhub?

The feelings I get when I hangout with Projekt Melody or Ironmouse are the same feelings I would get with a human girl. The feelings originate in my brain, I feel loved and appreciated. The only difference between vtubers and a real girl is that the feelings can be more easily reciprocated, and there’s the opportunity for touch.

  • feelings
  • reciprocated feelings
  • touch

Realistically, I can get 2 out of 3 with vtubers. Reciprocated feelings can be tricky, but it’s there. I can donate to get noticed and responded to, or I can send out lots of messages to hopefully get one of those messages noticed. Touch is the only thing that’s missing.

What are the downsides of a vtuber relationship? The way I see it, the lack of touch is the only one.

There is zero nagging. I have complete control over my intake of her character. In other words, if I’m annoyed with her, I close the stream and I have instant silence. It is not rude to cut her off mid-sentence, she doesn’t even know I’m cutting her off. She’s not going to use such an event as ammo to later bring up when she’s upset with me.

She’s not going to get upset with me. She only expresses positive sentiments and gratitude that I spend time with her.

There. is. no. downside, other than the lack of touch.

That’s how I see it. I don’t feel as lonely. I can get my sexual pleasure from ProjektMelody. I can get a strong sense of friendship from Ironmouse…

I’m not saying I don’t need people. I still feel the need to be with people. There’s still a missing conversation element, which I can’t have unless I become a VTuber myself and get the chance to speak with them.

Melody and Ironmouse and Miku are all great, and can supplement my low amount of social contact, but I can’t live on supplements alone. I need a juicy good intake of healthy conversation with people!

Ok so now that that’s established, what can I do to get that conversation?

I don’t want ideas, I want an actionable plan.

I don’t have one and I refuse to make one, because that would mean that I have to go out of my way.

Opportunity. That’s my plan. When I have opportunity for a social gathering, I can take it.

That’s kinda lazy my dude!

That’s all I’m willing to do right now.

5. Explore the difference you experience based on your positive or negative influential factors in how they impact your progress toward the goal or desired outcome.

Huh? I’m not understanding this prompt. Difference between what? This sentence is not proper English.

43. I choose to have the strength to move on to healthier relationships.
44. I deserve to have good things in life.
45. I release myself from my anger.

I think I wrote those affirmations recently. I’m going to do 3 more.

46. I love who I am.
47. I will allow peace to fill my soul.
48. Today is a new day; I will see what adventures it holds.


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