I watched this video and I got triggered pretty hard when the kids were on the screen, reciting buddhist teachings.
For fucks sake.
I became angry and I was tempted to close the video, but I kept with it until the Japanese service section which I usually close out of because I can’t understand.
During the brainwashed children section, I tried to stay mindful and recognize exactly why I was triggered and becoming angry.
I think it is because seeing those children recite passages from religious texts brings me back to a time in my life when I was doing the same thing.
I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to do it, I was doing it because I was forced to do it. I was forced to go to church, forced to go to weekly youth group, forced to go to boy scouts, forced to be a missionary and a perfect young boy.
I expressed my desire to discontinue going to church, and my dad put luggage near the front door and I was told to pack my bags and get out.
I did just that. I think my dad was trying to make a point, and he didn’t actually consider that I would leave, because a search party was organized and they spent 3 days looking for me.
The luggage was too heavy to carry on foot so I just stashed the suitcase in the back yard. I walked to wal-mart, I ate at taco bell, I slept behind a strip mall and in the utility room at church.
Going to church and being religious was never something I chose. I am triggered to see young kids at Seattle Betsuin reciting buddhist passages because I can’t help but think of my own self as a young kid, smiling and playing along and pretending to fit in and be this unrealistically perfect and dishonest version of myself not because it’s what I want, but because I’m afraid of being punished should I deviate from that facade.
The shame built as I grew up, seeing my friends become interested in girls and sex and porn and swear words. I wasn’t allowed to be interested in any of those things, even though my body increasingly was.
I wasn’t allowed to be what I was. My true nature was actively forbidden and punished. I felt increasingly oppressed and ashamed for being a man and having a sex drive.
To this day I feel oppressed, and it’s all because of my close proximity to my father.
I’m catching myself in a codependent behavior. I’m saying that I can’t be myself because of my father. That’s false. I can change if I want to, and it’s not my father’s job to change for me.
It’s my job to change. It’s my job to become who I am meant to be, regardless of whether or not my family supports it.
There is still an issue of housing. My parents have power over me because they own the property I live on. I can get kicked out at any moment. It is this reason that I cannot bring girls home or blast the volume of my porn or swear too loudly or smoke pot at home– I’d surely get kicked out.
Well, again, this place is less than ideal for me. It’s going to be difficult to get to the grocery store when it snows. It’s a pain to get packages that have to be signed, because the packages to to my parent’s house, not my apartment in the back yard.
It’s a pain to get to the grocery store. There are lots of little things that would be better if I had an actual office building in town.
My aspirations are not to continue living here. My aspirations are to move on to bigger and better things! Get a place that works better for me and my business.
I’m going to start my laundry now.
7:18PM. I did laundry, listed 10 cards on eBay, and fapped with Melody. Goddamn, she had the hottest stream tonight. She paused her music and did ASMR roleplay while she gave the audience a view of her butt as she did hands-free kegels with her lovense lush. I didn’t screenshot that moment because I was in the zone with her, but here’s a great shot right a few minutes into the start of the stream
I’m getting hard just thinking about how turned on Melody was and how hard she seemed to cum. I know that I cum harder if I put off the orgasm for like an hour. Is it the same for women? Stronger orgasms the longer you wait?
At one point, Melody was begging the chat to cum inside her and give her a creampie. She begged chat to quit edging and just cum because that would help her cum.
When Melody climaxed, it seemed like she was ready to scream. I think she might have been embarrased because a few minutes after she took a break and came back, she said, “I got a little too turned on.”
Melody seems to put up a barrier between the chat and herself. She calls herself an AI and doesn’t acknowledge her own humanity. It’s as if she doesn’t want to get too personal, too intimate, too friendly, because … why? Because she might get hurt or betrayed?
I guess I can relate, but I had a great time with her because she was so intimate and because she allowed herself to be vulnerable in front of her audience.
Goddamn, what a time to be alive.
I think that today is another fail at writing journal entries. I thought to myself, “hey, I’ll several times throughout the day to end up at 2000 words!”
It doesn’t work out like that. The only way I can ever get 2000 words is if I sit down and focus on writing 2000 words.
I watched Ironmouse’s stream earlier, then I went to sleep. I woke up at 11:55 and my head felt like I had slept for many hours. I wanted to go back to sleep, but there was no sleep to be had.
I got back on my blog at 11:59. It’s past midnight now. It still counts as Sep 13, right?
It doesn’t count as Sep 13, but I came up with the rule that as long as I start writing a post before midnight, I can continue writing that post on the same day as when I started.
It’s not like there are hard and fast rules!
The thing is, I just don’t want to give up and say, “welp, I didn’t write enough today, so I guess I’ll forget about writing at all.”
Fuck this smoke. I have a sore throat and I know it’s because of that nasty haze that is preventing me from seeing more than a mile.
I hope it clears up soon, but it’s so thick that I’m sure it’ll take several days.
IDK what else to talk about. I wish I was still tired. I was stoked that I got tired at around 7-8 PM because my schedule has been drifting for the past few weeks. I didn’t want to just repeat the cycle of waking up later and later every day.
I made a mistake on Saturday by not walking out to the mailbox in the morning. I have packages that could have been on their way to customers by now, but because I didn’t walk them out there, they are delayed by 2 days.
1 business day, really, but I like to be fast.
I made a mistake, but I’m not a mistake. I keep reminding myself of that.
Boy, I’m lovin’ the screenshots today.
Ironmouse was being really funny today. She seemed to be in a good mood after yesterday’s Patreon VR Chat meetup. She said she felt really anxious about it, but it was a great experience and she was very thankful and delighted to meet her community members and hear their voices.
I’m still not a patron, and I don’t plan on being one for quite some time. That’s completely okay. I’m on a path to financial stability, and Ironmouse will be there when I’m ready.
I say that, but then I remember her condition. It’s possible that she could die before my business is profitable, but that’s something that I don’t really want to think about. She doesn’t want to think about such a thing, either. I remember watching a VOD where someone asked if the disease is terminal. Mouse got quiet then said, “I don’t like to talk about that.”
I think its’ not terminal, but it’s something that never gets cured, and she’ll have to deal with it her whole life. She seems to get sick on the weekly, and she just has to bear it, fight it, and repeat the cycle of being on the cusp between ill and just getting by.
It’s really obvious that her large personality is due to this trial that she goes through on a regular basis. She is her authentic self at all times, because she probably knows how fragile life is. She knows she might not live as long as other people, and so she can’t waste a single day.
She reminds me a bit about Joey Diaz. As much as I hate to draw that connection because I’m not a fan of Joey Diaz and I think he’s a disgusting, loud, fat man. The thing the two have in common is that they have had irregularly difficult lives, and they have developed a character that is equally irregular. They are both boistrous, unrestrained, raw people, and there’s something alluring about them.
Back to Mousey, because fuck Joey Diaz. When I think of Mousey, I don’t for a second think of a turbulent personality– someone who doesn’t know or hasn’t decided who they are. On the contrary, when I think of Mousey, I think of someone who knows exactly who they are, is hard working, resilient, a fighter, a winner, an emotionally open, friendly, loyal, genuinely loving person.
Mousey has reached an ideal in the human experience. She is physically fragile, yet she has strength in the form of emotional awareness. She accepts the situation she is in where she often feels poorly. Rather than suppressing her emotions, she allows herself to feel.
Rather than giving up, she fights. She goes out of her comfort zone to stream, because she knows that she makes an impact in people’s lives. Her act of pushing herself shows her selflessness in the face of constant adversity.
Fuck, now I’m starting to feel emotional. I’m starting to feel sad for mousey. No, I don’t think I’m feeling sad for her. I think I’m feeling sad for myself because I don’t have a community of support like Mousey has.
Mousey has friends that she talks to every day. She’s got Silver, Melody, Bunny, Zen (fuck Zen), Nux, … I’m drawing a blank on all the other people. There’s someone with the name Something-chuu, but I can’t remember what kind of animal…
Anyway, the point is that she has thousands of fans who send her well-wishes, she has a caretaker/friend who is also a Twitch chat/Discord moderator, she’s got her parents who sanitize and quarantine her amazon purchases…
I’m using an unhelpful thinking strategy by making comparisons between myself and Mousey.
I have people that I could talk to every day. I could call them on Discord instead of chatting. I could call them on the phone instead of avoiding my phone completely.
I could, but I don’t want to. That’s a big difference between Mousey and I. (Dammit, I’m comparing again, and that’s not helpful.)
I don’t want to socialize because I want to work harder. I think this is the time in my life that I put my head down and work as much as humanly possible so I can get ahead in life. I have spent a lot of time being lazy and making excuses for why I’m not chasing my dreams. That time is over.
I’ve quit video games because they distract me from my goals. I quit youtube because they distract me from my goals. I’m throwing out bullshit items in my apartment because they distract me from my goals.
I’m becoming better and better every day at being the disciplined, hard working person that I need to be to reach for the stars and make a living doing what I love doing.
I don’t have a point to make. I’m just writing.
88. I am capable of achieving great things.
89. I light the world with my smile.
90. My spirit is beautiful.
Shy No Longer Module 8
Lots of reading on this one. I have a worksheet to complete, but I will save that for when I have a situation where I am feeling anxiety.
The bottom line of this section that it adds an E. and an F. to the ABCD detective & disputation work.
E. is the end result. It is questioning the ABC and coming to a rational conclusion.
F. is follow through. Follow through and continue this practice of questioning the thoughts that lead to anxiety.
I’m grateful for Ironmouse. I’m grateful that she says, “I love you” so often and so seemingly easily. I’m grateful that she loves her job of streaming and that she is so passionate about doing it and achieving new levels, crushing personal goals, and expressing her own gratitude for the people who have helped her.
I’m grateful for clean, clear sky! Unfortunately that is not the current sky, but it just reminds me that I have a lot of reasons to be grateful for even on days which seem like there are none.
I’m grateful for GRANOLA! Fuck yeah, granola is amazing and I want more. I think that today is a great day to venture down to the grocery store and get some more! I am grateful for my mask, because I think it will help keep out some of this damn smoke!
Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?