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Sun Sep 20 2020

Last updated on September 20, 2020

I am angry. I had a load of laundry washing in the washer. I had a timer on my phone for 1 hour, at which point I would cycle that load to the dryer, and place my second load into the washer.

I went outside for a walk, and when I finished walking, I came inside to the sound of my laundry timer going off.

I went to cycle my laundry, but someone had done something with my laundry. The washer was going. The dryer was going. I think someone placed their own load of laundry into the washer and had moved my laundry to the dryer.

I am angry that someone had snuck in there and handled my laundry. I’m upset that my flow is thrown off. I don’t tie up the washing machine. I set timers and I try to be prompt about getting in there and moving the laundry along.

Now I have to wait for some unknown amount of time for whoever’s laundry to complete, before I can do my second load of laundry. I had my laundry bin right there in front of the washing machine, it’s obvious that I wasn’t done with laundry.

I don’t want other people handling my laundry.

It’s not like I forgot the laundry. I always set a timer. I always try to be prompt, because I find it annoying when someone else leaves their clothes in the washer for hours or days, and I have to clear it before I can start my own laundry.

I specifically do my laundry on Sunday because it’s the one day that my mom doesn’t do laundry. Sunday is a holy day or whatever for her.

That’s why I think it was my brother.

It’s my job to set and communicate my boundaries.

I’m just worried about doing that and not being able to cope. I don’t want to burst into tears or get angry at him. I just want to communicate my boundaries and be rational about it.

I honestly think I would lose my shit if I tried. I think I might revert back to my codependent habits of people pleasing. I would feel like I’m hurting D. for saying these things, and I would start to cry because I don’t want to hurt him.

I’m afraid he might take it the wrong way. I’m afraid that I would send him into a shame spiral where he won’t want to be around me anymore, or he might go do something irresponsible to try to escape the shame he feels.

I’m really angry. I was washing intimates today and I was hesitant to even do so. Earlier today I was thinking to myself, “should I put these g-strings in this load, or should I wait till the next?” I was all trying to hide them in my laundry basket so they weren’t at the top where someone could see them if they walked into the bathroom.

I was brave and I put them in the first load. Then that load gets handled by my brother who is impatient and rather than saying, “hey I have work in the morning, can I do a load of laundry real quick?” he just ninjas his way in there after my first load in the washer completes, moves my laundry to the drier (did he even use the right settings???) and

Holy shit, he probably is melting my underwear. I don’t even dry those in the drier because of their material!

I have to say something. I have to do my job and communicate my boundaries.

I don’t want other people handling my laundry. I always set a timer and I try to be prompt about using these machines. If you’re in a pinch and you need to do laundry, just let me know. Call or text or something and I’ll clear out so you can go ahead. I came in here after my timer went off, and I was really confused to see the washing machine and dryer going. I’m angry that my laundry had been moved. I’m angry that you assumed that everything in there needed to go through the dryer and I’m angry that you assumed the dryer settings.

I can’t even rehearse it without a bubbling up of emotion coming over me. I want to cry. No, I want to yell. But then I don’t want to yell, so I want to cry.

I set a timer for 1 hour after I found out that my laundry had been handled. the timer went off again. I am not going inside because I don’t want to risk running into D. and having to be confrontational.

I’m feeling angry(50), exposed(80), embarrased(85), disrespected(60) and inferior(60) because my usage of the laundry machines was sabotaged.

I feel diminished(40) for the same reason, as if my time with the laundry machines doesn’t matter as much as other people’s.

I feel burdened by this anger and these feelings. I feel remorse(5) for having been brave and washed my kinky underwear in the first load, when I was hesitant.

I feel insecure(20) knowing that this is not the first time this has happened. Even though I set timers and am prompt to cycle my loads of laundry, someone can just swoop in when I’m not looking and invade my privacy.

Again, I have to set my own boundaries. Nobody else is going to do it for me. This only happens because there is no agreement between family members about laundry machine usage.

I want to be open about my sexuality. That’s a big part of why I schedule these journal entries to go public in 2 years. I want them to be open to the world right now, I’m just not ready. That 2 years is to give myself time to become the person I want to be. A man who isn’t ashamed about his sexuality. A man that doesn’t give a fuck if other people know about his affinity for g-string underwear or his fantasy of getting pegged in the ass by a hot girl, or his temporary substitute for contact with 3D women– anime waifus.

I don’t want to give a fuck, because this is what being human looks like. This is what being a WIZARD* looks like. This is my reality and I am tired of hiding it from the world and denying it from myself.

* In the anime world, a wizard is a 30+ year old virgin.

I’m a big fan of the “sex positive” movement. I think it’s a movement, anyway. It’s the philosophy that the idea of sex, or talking about sex, or having sex is a good thing.

The opposite is, “sex negative.” which is popular among religious groups, government, and business ideologies.

I’m confused about whether or not I should be angry, because if I’m completely open and honest about myself, my feelings and my sexuality, would I even be bothered that my brother saw and/or handled my kinky intimate apparel?

Yes, still angry. I’m angry because he put them into the drier, assumed the setting, and ran the drier.

I would not have dried them at all. They are some stretchy nylon material. They dry almost instantly. I hang dry them, I don’t machine dry them.

I have to confront him. I can’t let this continue. I can’t have my boundaries infringed upon any longer. It’s not D.’s job to ask me what my boundaries are. It is my job to make my boundaries known to D.

My boundaries are that I don’t want other people handling my laundry. If I’ve forgotten (I always set a timer– I don’t forget) he is free to let me know. I will exercise the golden rule and I will do the same for him. I will not handle his laundry if I happen to come across it.

But this is just madness as things are. It’s the wild west of the laundry machines, and there’s no good reason for that.


I did Hanjusan, Junirai and Sanbutsuge. During Hanjusan, I tried to allow myself to feel what I was feeling. I felt angry(80) and embarrased(50), and sad(30). I wasn’t very good at chanting because the feelings were so strong.

During Junirai and Sanbutsuge, I tried to let go of my personal desires, and just give thanks for being a person. I’m grateful to have my life and my things and have these experiences as a person.

I fished out my CBT (DBT) Interpersonal effectiveness handout 5 and completed it in the context of what happened today.

DEAR MAN

Describe

You moved my laundry from the washer to the dryer and started the dryer.

Express

I feel angry because you put my clothes in the dryer which I don’t machine dry. I feel embarrassed because I wash intimate apparel in the laundry machines which I don’t care to share with anyone else. I feel disrespected because you cut in line without saying anything.

Assert

I don’t want other people handling my laundry. I would really like it if you would let me know if you need the washer and drier. I understand if you are in a pinch and you need to do laundry before work, but I can’t read your mind.

Reinforce

When I do laundry, I always set a timer for 1 hour 15 minutes. I like to be prompt about cycling out my laundry, but I’m not always on top of things. I’d be happy to oblige if you need the laundry machine, I just need to know!


well that was uncomfortable.

It’s been like 3 hours since I discovered my laundry had been moved. I haven’t confronted my brother or dealt with it in any way because I felt like I would implode if I did so. I have meditated and journalled, and I think I could make the confrontation now. Maybe…

I walked towards the house and I heard the drier still going. I backed off and came back inside.

I’m going to check again when my work timer expires. I’ll wait for the drying machine to be off before I go in there again.


My timer went off and I walked toward the house. The drying machine sounded like it was off, but then it turned on suddenly. I think that is the ruffle feature or whatever, where it keeps going every now and then so the clothes don’t get wrinkles.

I don’t even know if it was my brother who moved my laundry. It looked like it could have been my dad’s clothes. Well fuck, if that’s the case, it’s even worse because that’s just another layer of shame getting stacked onto this situation.

Anyway, there seems to be a general disrespect for other people’s clothing in the laundry room. This isn’t the first time this has happened.

I started my second load. I have set my 1 h 15 minute timer! I would LOL if the whole thing happened again. JUST FUCKING LET ME KNOW YOU NEED TO USE THE WASHER AND I’LL PUT OFF DOING MY LAUNDRY! THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR US TO BE STEPPING OVER EACH OTHER!

That’s the shit I want to yell.

I just remind myself that nobody’s against me. Everybody is just pursuing their own self interests.

Whoever moved my laundry used a dryer sheet. I don’t use dryer sheets, and I don’t machine dry my g-strings. I’m just so upset. As far as getting work done this evening, I’ve been completely offline.

Well at least all my intimates are accounted for. When I was younger, my mom would find my thongs in the laundry and I’d just never see them again. At least I’m respected enough as a human being to where my property isn’t purposely discarded.

I’d rather this situation just not occur. I’d rather be more on top of things to where…

No that’s bullshit. I set a fucking timer to go cycle my laundry after an hour and 15 minutes. That’s as good as it gets. Any more “on top” means I have to physically sit in the bathroom for the duration of the washing machine, and ensure that nobody fucks with my laundry.

This is just ridiculous. I deserve a certain level of privacy, and I don’t think it’s right that I have to safeguard the laundry machine in order to have that privacy.

Well, I can’t get bent out of shape about this. Remember how I want to be more open about my sexuality? Remember how I want to publish that shit online? Yeah. Level up, my dude! This is just practice for when I finally open up. This is practice for being the person I want to be, and not being afraid of what other people think about it.


I’m grateful for laundry machines. They make life easier.

I’m grateful for chocolate granola. It fuels me and pleases my taste buds.

I’m grateful for the plethora of DBT/CBT worksheets that I can revisit and use to get through my struggles.

97. I will do my best with whatever comes my way.
98. I have a purpose that I am fulfilling.
99. I will listen to that whisper of hope that says, ‘you can do it, try again.’

Excelsior.

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