Thu Apr 23 2020

It’s my birthday. I feel abandoned.

My younger sister is the only person in my family who wished me a happy birthday. I feel unloved. But do I love myself! Yeah! I suppose that will have to do for now.

I received two gifts from my older sister. I have that to be thankful for. She planned ahead, she showed her love non-verbally, I suppose.

I guess technically the only person who wished me happy birthday verbally was my friend M. I know he loves me. He says so often. He’s my best friend in the whole world! Not only did he say happy birthday to me, he sent me a Minions virtual card!

I suppose this could be seen as a good thing. It is good that I don’t feel loved by a majority of my family, which means it will make leaving home and finding new housing easier. Why live around my big family who doesn’t like me?

I suppose I have done a lot to make myself unlikable. I put up barriers. I do so physically by self-isolating even before covid-19 was a thing. I do so emotionally by staying the fuck quiet when I’m with them. What is there to like, when I hide everything that could be likable?

I like myself. I had to remind myself that earlier today when I didn’t hear any congratulations from most of my family. I like myself enough to keep going.

They could have forgotten. Maybe they rely on Facebook nowadays to tell them when people’s birthdays are. I’m not on Facebook. I deleted my profile earlier this year, so perhaps this is the first time in a long time when they didn’t have a reminder.

K. remembered. A. remembered, and planned weeks ahead for it. I don’t think anybody forgot my birthday. I think I was forgotten. I am sad.

A. actually drove to my apartment and dropped off a book yesterday. Nobody else went anywhere close to that effort! I have to appreciate that.

I have to recognize that people love me and care about me. Some of them not so much. Some of them might wish me happy birthday days late. Some of them might not understand that I FUCKING CARE ABOUT THIS SHIT. I make a fucking point to at least say happy birthday to people if I know it’s their birthday. I have everybody’s birthday on my calendar from the moment I learn of their birthday. I get 2 week reminders before it’s the person’s birthday so I have time to order them a gift. I haven’t had the means to do that lately, but it’s there for when I do. I get e-mail reminders on the day of, so I can wish them a happy birthday on the day.

I do that and I go to that length because that’s how I want to be treated.

I’m so disappointed. I feel abandoned and alone.

Maybe I’m hung over. Maybe I spent too much time on Squad last night. It was a fun gaming session though. I enjoy playing with M., that’s for sure.

I want VMWare workstation. I want it so I can run my Windows partition as a virtual machine, and update my Steam games on my Windows system while I’m comfortably running my main Linux based OS, Pop_OS!

I think it’s doable.There’s an article on the vmware support site which covers how to do it.

VMWare has such polished products. Last time I used VMWare player, I was impressed at how it recognized a windows .iso file and it automated a large part of the installation. Virtualbox doesn’t have anything like that.

I think virtualbox can do the same sort of thing, running a physical partition as a virtualmachine. I bet the steps involved to do it are a lot more involved than VMWare’s solution.

Hey VMWare, send me a lifetime VMWare workstation license key (for linux host) and I’ll write you an article on how to run a partition as a virtual machine!

Haha, you know what would be funny? Installing KolibriOS to a partition and configuring it to tri-boot! LOL how funny would that be? I’m already dual booting Pop_OS! and Windows10, but adding one more operating system would be fun. The boot time on KolibriOS on this system would be instantaneous!

I jumped the gun on writing this article. My parents just delivered a cake, a card, and a coconut water to my door, accompanied with their singing of “happy birthday.”

I also just realized that I had received 3 text messages hours ago while I was asleep. I checked my messages when I woke up around 7:30PM, but because of how shitty Burnerapp is at running without GSF, I am only seeing them now at 11:26PM. That’s technology for ya!

Software is broken!

Well now I know how I feel without a family– Alone and sad.

I can’t stop thinking about food. The cake my mom made me is really delicious! I think I should take a long break and get some food in me. But my Jasmine rice isn’t complete yet! If I let loose and eat now, I’m just going to eat all my cake and skip my dinner!

M. sent me some movies. 28 weeks later and The Change Up (2011). I have plenty to watch.

I’m so distracted. I’m jumping between writing and researching and installing apps on my Nextcloud instance. Pomodoro technique is failed right now, haha!

I ate my dinner and I ate cake. I opened the card and it was $50! Holy macaroni, that’s a shit ton of money. My parents are so generous!

It’s 1:37AM on Friday now, but I’m going to keep writing on this post because I don’t want to fall behind on my target word count. It also still feels like my birthday because I slept through most of the day.

I have been writing a lot lately and haven’t been felling that my words are really having an impact on the reader. It’s a crazy thing for me to think that, since I’m not the reader and I don’t have any readers at present. I don’t even publish these articles which makes readership absolutely zero. I have to take a pause for a moment and ask myself… Why am I writing?

Am I writing to please an audience? Or am I writing for my own self-edification?

Is seeking to please an audience healthy? Is seeking to please an audience going to result in a good article?

I don’t think it’s necessarily healthy or unhealthy. I think there is a time and a place to try and please an audience. I think a better thing to do is to do something unique and something that I find interesting. It’s not like I’m on a stage. I’m just writing blog posts in my corner of the internet, and hoping that maybe someday, someone will be searching for something that I write about.

I am going to strive to keep that in mind. I’m not writing for anybody other than myself. When I write, I deserve to write what is important to me. I deserve to be honest and open. I deserve to cater to myself!

I’m writing because of the positive benefits of doing so. I can work out my emotions and discover their causes. I can remind myself to be kind. I can work towards my goals and set new ones. I can create life strategies and reconsider old ones.

Alright then, what are my goals for today? I think I want to read the end of Prometheus Rising. I also want to read some pages from my new book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. I want to list at least 3 items on eBay, and I want to… take a nap! I ate too much, now I’m sleepy! I’m going to do that now.

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