Thu Apr 30 2020

shirakawa-go, traditional, japan

I woke up this morning feeling very tired. I had a hard time opening my eyes and getting out of bed. I’m definitely hung over from playing Minecraft last night. I was tired but I played anyway.

It was a fun time. I got made fun of for my rudimentary and unpleasant looking sky bridges. I wanted to make it obvious for new players who joined the Realm to know where our settlement was. A single block width highway in the sky was the quickest and most efficient way to accomplish that!

Nobody liked it. They made fun of me every time the highway came into their sight. It was all in good fun though, and I felt part of a community which is a feeling I haven’t had in a long time.

I just had an idea for a Minecraft monetization mod. When players join the server, they are given an on-screen text indicator of how much funding the server has. If the server fund reaches zero dollars, the text displays to the user that the server is going to shut down in 30 days. The text notification goes away after the player has been in the server for 2 minutes.

Every time the player joins the server, they can see the funding status of the server. Will the server continue because of positive funding, or will it die because none of the players find it valuable?

Additionally, this system could be tied into cryptocurrency. The spawnpoint in the server could contain a large QR code made out of black and white colored blocks, which decodes to the bitcoin donation address of the server. Having a payment QR code right in the game makes donation a breeze! The player doesn’t have to tab out to support the server, all they gotta do is pull out their cellphone bitcoin app, scan the code and their donation is sent!

I’m thinking there might already be something like this for Minecraft. Minecraft is more than ten years old, has fantastic modding support, and soliciting server donations are a common thing for server operators. I’d be surprised if this didn’t already exist!

I played Minecraft the past two days. I was thinking that playing again today might not be a very good idea. I don’t want to get sucked into it and play to the point where video gaming is just a modern version of opium. I was thinking about that last night as we played. All five of us were zonked out, staring at our screens and from an observer we probably looked like we were high as fuck. Nobody was talking, everyone was just 100% focused on spelunking or crafting or farming or whatever it was they were doing.

I think I want to make a cyber cafe because it’s the modern day opium den. People will show up simply because they’re addicted to being on the computer!

I suppose there would be all sorts of problems with that. I’d probably have to put up with grumpy angry people all the time. People who were hooked and broke and stuck in a cycle where they had to be there to get their fix. Aimless computer usage, and that would be my business and I’d naturally want to promote what they were doing!

It would be hard for sure. It’s not a really thriving business model. There was Black Wolf Gaming Center in Spokane Valley which shut down after a few years. I never actually went there. I think they had primarily Xboxes and that’s not my scene. Yeah, maybe that’s why they failed! Not enough flexibility with an XBox. Not nearly the game selection as you can get on a desktop PC.

I don’t think enough people go out for a business like that to succeed. Not in this area, anyway. I wonder if something like that in Japan would be more feasible? Probably. I think the dense population and the gaming culture there would really support such a business. There’s already Manga cafes which are pretty much what I’d want to make.

Oh, I wonder if that’s the key to making a cyber cafe work in the USA– Japanese style private booths! I have not seen that sort of thing in the USA. In the USA, all cyber and gaming centers I’ve seen are just big rooms with as much gaming equipment as possible shoved into it. It’s like a party atmosphere, where everyone is together. That’s all fine and good if you know everybody or you’re having a private event, but what about people who just want to get away from everything and zone out on the computer? A cyber cafe for 2020 needs booths!

Oh yeah, Japanese style Karaoke! I have had friends who wished for such a thing in our town. American style karaoke really sucks. It’s a bar that you can go to, and there’s a microphone and sound system that everybody in the venue has to hear. American karaoke is just a public display of bad singing in a bar. Japanese karaoke is a shared experience with just your friends! You can get food and drinks, pick songs that appeal to just your group, and nerd out with them.

I don’t like bars. I quit going to the bitcoin meetup because I don’t like bars. It’s too noisy, there’s too much cross talk, drunk strangers can become rowdy, etc. etc. I don’t feel at ease in such environments. Same thing with restaurants. I just want to hang out with friends and eat and drink in private booths!

I took a nap. I think I slept for about an hour. It’s one of those naps where it’s hard to tell if I slept at all. The only reason I can tell that I did sleep is that I have a gap in my memory. I was laying down, relaxed, then I don’t remember anything for greater than or equal to one minute, than I was awake and still tired. Last time I remember looking at the clock was around 9 or 10, and it’s 12 now. So I guess I slept a bit!

I’ve been doing a lot of learning as of late. Daily Japanese study, lots of reading, lots of coding research and learning about e-commerce. My body feels like it’s being used to more of it’s full potential, and that feels really good. I get this feeling on occasion that is difficult to explain. It’s sort of a daydream state, but I’m not thinking about other things, I’m simply backing out of my regular frame of reference and looking at myself looking at what I’m doing. It’s not like a intentional mindfulness exercise, but rather something that happens when I’m relaxed and focused on a task.

I remember having this feeling a lot when I was in school. I would be staring at the teacher as they gave a lecture, and I start seeing a zoomed-in version of them. It’s almost like a hallucination where I become hyper aware of my body and what’s in front of me, and I’m observing myself and feeling myself in a way that is breathtakingly different. It’s not uncomfortable. I feel safe and secure. It’s like my body is restarting it’s senses and everything I see, feel, hear, taste and touch is extra amplified.

My vision feels like it’s being seen through a telescopic lens. My arms feel like they’re not my arms, but an extra layer which are atop my actual arms. Sounds are like a synthetic auditory expression that I hear through a long tube. Maybe this occurs when I’m sleepy. Maybe it’s a natural drop of DMT and my third eye is activated in this state. Perhaps in this state, I’m partially awakened to my astral form! That’s why my body feels like it isn’t my body. I’m starting to view the world through the body my mind transfers to when I’m asleep and dreaming.

Anyway, I had that experience this morning. I was typing and I felt outside myself in that way. Or inside myself? Again, this is difficult to explain!

I cut off communication with a friend of mine about two months ago. We had a relationship that I felt was unhealthy. We wouldn’t talk, we would only type messages to each other via Signal. She would like to speak with me more, but I put up a wall when it comes to talking.

I wanted to become closer to her, but she didn’t want the same thing. I felt attracted to her and told her, but she didn’t feel similarly. We became close friends and talked about everything under the sun. She talked about sex and it made me uncomfortable, knowing that she already turned me down. I don’t know where we stand at this point.

It seemed that every time we would talk, I’d become angry for one reason or another. Maybe it was because I felt that she was trying to control our relationship in one way or another. Maybe it was that I was trying to do the same thing. Maybe it was her fascination with USA media outlets and her desire to share outrageous stories with me. I don’t know what it was. I still don’t.

I do know that I don’t want the kind of relationship we had. I don’t want to text someone and have a conversation over a period of three days which could have taken three minutes on the phone. I don’t want to feel attraction for a person and invest hundreds of hours into communicating with them, only to have them say the don’t feel the same.

I don’t want to feel like I’m pretending to have a certain viewpoint because it’s a viewpoint that I think my friend would appreciate. It’s a bad habit of mine. I people please and form opinions based on what I think the other person likes. I don’t feel authentic in that kind of relationship and I end up resenting myself for shit I say.

I don’t want to be around someone who’s depressed all the time, and has no drive to improve themselves. Maybe in the past it was fine because that’s where I was at in my own life, but I’m not on that wavelength anymore. I’m so stoked to grow as a person and seek out my dreams with considerable intent.

I don’t want a relationship that’s locked down, controlled and private and every conversation we have is something that I can’t share with anybody else. That’s what our relationship feels like. It feels controlled and calculated and pruned and processed, and it feels fake.

Our relationship didn’t make any sense. What were either of us getting out of it? It seemed like we would do a lot of complaining to each other. Complaining without any effort made on improving the situation.

What was I getting out of it? I was spending hours thinking of things to say, long responses to reply with, and not putting any effort into improving myself or going outside or pursuing my dreams.

The relationship was at a stalemate. It cannot grow into a loving, intimate relationship I’m looking for, because I had been turned down multiple times. We were friend zoned and that’s not what I’m looking for.

I’ll be frank. If I’m spending hundreds of hours on a relationship with a woman, I’m looking for sex. That’s what I decided I wanted out of life when I went on a road trip to Vegas in late 2018 or early 2019, or whenever it was. The three S’s.

  • Stress level zero
  • The Freedom to be my Self
  • Sex

Even though those are the things I came up with that I wanted in my life, there’s a strange catch-twenty-two when it comes to sex. I want sex, but I’m afraid of intimacy. Or maybe I don’t want sex, because I don’t want the relationship that comes along with it.

I’m not sure that’s a catch-22. I think sex is just not a thing I’m focused on and it’s not a priority. I could get sex without a relationship. That’s what prostitution is for, LOL. I’d rather not go that route at this point. I think I’ve been sex-free my entire life because I’ve used isolation as a survival mechanism. Doesn’t matter if I actually needed to isolate to survive, that’s just how I’ve been operating.

I can masturbate all I want and it satisfies my need for sexual release. Why do I want to add the extra complication of sex to my life when I can take care of my natural urges on my own?

I don’t know. This is complicated for sure. I think I go back and forth between being proud to be in the, “sexodus,” and feeling ashamed and lonely for being a 33 year old virgin.

And I’ll always flip flop like that until I make up my mind, choose a belief system and stick with it! There is no one right answer to this problem. There’s a lot of answers, a lot of truths, and I get to decide. That’s a wonderful thing about being a human.

Back to the subject of control. I think when I chat 1 on 1 with people online, I start to develop little compartmentalized self-identity. It’s an identity which I think would please that person. Like a mask, it’s an identity that I slip on right before I start chatting with that person.

I’m just now learning to be myself. With the books I’ve been reading and the work I’ve been doing in CoDA, therapy, and shame resilience. I am learning to give myself permission to be authentic. I am learning to think of myself as a king and take care of myself. I’m learning to practice love and kindness towards myself.

The issue of control will probably fade away as I become better at managing my shame and social anxiety. people are going to come and go as they please, and I only want to hang out with people who love me for my authentic self. I don’t think I gave A. a chance to see my authentic self. Or maybe I did, and I just wasn’t giving myself credit?

The same goes in the opposite direction. I can decide to distance myself from people who I don’t think are worthy of my time and attention. That’s a natural thing and it’s up to me to draw the line in the metaphorical sand and set up healthy boundaries.

I sometimes get this idea that I have to be kind to everyone because that’s the right thing to do. No, I can’t do that. It is okay for me to ask for what I need. It is okay for me to take care of myself first. That’s how it should be. If I were kind and endlessly patient to everyone, I would become a used up husk of a person, giving all the energy I have to other people and reserving none of it for myself. I’ve been there. I hated myself for bending to other people’s will. I hated that I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do with my life.

I don’t want to spend much time texting. I’d like to eliminate most of it between my friends. I’m a pack animal. I like talking and using body language. I don’t like the low-bandwidth communication medium of text.

There is the Catch-22 again. I don’t want the intimacy of the voice chat, but I don’t want the distancing that comes with text.

I think I’m avoiding what I’m actually thinking. I think I might not like A. after all. If I liked her, wouldn’t calling her be enjoyable? Wouldn’t I want to play video games with her?

It’s always just the two of us. We can’t get intimate and lovey-dovey, because we’re not a couple. And yet we’re never with a group of friends. I think that’s my fault. I have been invited on many occasions to join A.’s group of friends, and I always back out for one reason or another.

It’s ME. It’s my desire to control the relationship and put on a mask. I can be consistent while I hide behind the mask because it’s just A. and I. I don’t have to switch masks when I talk to another person in the group because there is no other person in the group. I can control the situation, and be the perfect people pleaser when it’s just A. and I.

I’m not that into A.

I’m into weeb shit and A. seems to get turned off by that. I’m into virtual idol Hatsune Miku and other Otaku shit like anime and speaking Japanese and Otagei. A. doesn’t seem to care about those topics. I mean, I guess it makes sense that A. isn’t into an artificial signing girl. I wouldn’t be that interested in an artificial singing boy…

A. is into technology and software freedoms and encryption and ethical hacking… I’m kind of bored of all that. I like one thing in that area– web development. Freedom and encryption are great and good but I can’t have that be such a big part of my life anymore because I recognize that it’s attractive because it’s just more control that I can have in my life. I can set permissions and ACLs and harden shit and run the state of the art… And what? What do I get out of that? I get wasted time. I can’t monetize any of that because I have such a weak foundation.

Chris is weak and scared and doesn’t hold conversations very well, cant communicate his needs very well… I might make a great worker/employee, but the problem with getting a job is getting a job.

I’m getting off topic. I’m just not that into A. I have gone two months of radio silence between us two. I think of her every now and then, but I don’t have any desire to open up Signal and start a conversation. Not when I could have a deeper conversation, a greater feeling of connection, and a smile-inducing time by joining teamspeak this evening and shooting the shit with my video game buddies.

My relationship with A. is shallow and fruitless. I suppose that’s the boiled down version of it.

Just did some meditation. I was touched by Junirai and cried for a good chunk of it.

I would love to get my hands on this album. Horai – Shin Buddhist Chants by Massimo Claus.

90. My spirit is beautiful.
91. I make a difference in the world.
92. I allow myself to take a break and do something I enjoy.

I’m grateful for meditation music. I hope to soon be able to afford an album such as the one I mentioned. I would also like to acquire a physical copy of the Shin Buddhist Service Book at some point, so I can follow along with a physical book.

I’m grateful for the pdf version of the Shin Buddhist Service Book. There’s one from the Tacoma Buddhist Temple which I have a copy of. It’s nice to have it so I can follow along with the youtube live streams and the various chanting videos out there.

I’m grateful for self-reflection.

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