Thu Aug 6 2020

Yesterday was a huge fuck up.

We went to the beach and I was stuck in a shame spiral for the whole 3 hour duration of the beach excursion.

I didn’t get in the water. I sat on a rock while my brother and friend played in the water. I was miserable and I wanted to go home the moment we got to the park.

We didn’t go to the beach. Instead, we went to this rocky “park” which had the most uninviting waterfront ever. There were steep declines down to the jagged rocks where M. and P. would get in the water.

I didn’t play along. I was honest and I told my friends that “I’m ready to go home to be completely honest.”

I got too much sun the day before. I didn’t get enough sleep the night before.

I’m going to say NO more often, because I’m learning that I don’t like outings. I was forced to do outings as a kid, and this one just reminded me of that shit.

I think most vacations I’ve ever been on are so bullshit. They involve an incredible amount of physical activity in such a densely packed schedule. It’s not fun to be in these situations. Walking around all day then doing the same thing the next and the next day is something that needs TRAINING. That’s not a vacation, that’s more like a MARATHON.

And everybody is supposed to stay happy and in a good mood. Consider the reality! Doing activities literally all day under the sun in conditions that so vastly differ from the average day to day is something that is physically exhausting.

All I had to eat yesterday was a morning smoothie, a bag of tortilla chips, two handfuls of raisins, a bag of pretzel crisps, and a handful of pecans.

Meanwhile, my brother and friend each had a burger at Hudson’s Hamburgers. Then they were snacking on sandwiches, soda, bananas, and Fritos.

It’s my fault. I didn’t bring enough food. I didn’t take the time to make a meal worth eating or spend the money to get takeout when my buddies were getting a burger.

It’s all about money! I shame spiraled because of money!

I am ashamed to not have enough money to own and maintain a car. I’m ashamed that M. and P. have to go 10 minutes out of their way to picked up and drop me off.

I’m ashamed that I can’t pay for food when we eat out. Luckily this didn’t happen this week, but the last time P. and I went to a drive through, he paid for my burrito and I’m ashamed about that.

I’m ashamed that I can’t pay for gun range fees and ammo. I bailed out of that event because I can’t pay for it and I didn’t want to be in the situation where someone else pays for me.

I’m ashamed that I can’t pay my share of the Lime scooter rental. M. said he didn’t care and he would pay for it, but he kept bringing up the rental amount and I don’t think he was being honest that he didn’t care about it.

I’m ashamed that M. paid for parking yesterday at the beach, and that I could not contribute.

I’m ashamed that we went to the grocery store and I bought salty, non-nutritious snack food instead of something that would fill me up and keep me energized.

I’m ashamed that I didn’t change into my swimsuit at the bathrooms when I had the chance. I’m ashamed that I agreed to go to the beach when I really didn’t want to. I was tired from the day before and all I felt like doing was sitting and talking to my friends, not going to the beach and getting sunburned.

I’m ashamed that I didn’t voice my opinion when I was asked, “do you want to go to the beach or the rocks?”

The beach, for fuck’s sake! It took me an hour to find a flat rock to sit on. There were no flat ground at all and all my stuff wanted to tip over or roll down the hill.

The water entrance was impossible for an already impossible mental attitude I had assigned to the task of getting in the water.

I felt like a creeper sitting in a place with so many cute girls in bikini. I was so incredibly uncomfortable to be in such a crowded place where I felt I didn’t belong.

I’m ashamed to have said YES when M. asked me last night if I wanted to hang out today. I don’t want to hang out. I want this week-long event to be over. I want to get back to my routine of working on my eBay store and doing personal exercises.


I think there’s something In Brene Brown’s books about this. It’s this codependency thing where people agree to shit because they want to please the person doing the inviting. If my initial response is a, “sure” or a “yes”, then I’m probably lying to myself.

If it’s not a, “HELL YES!” then I need to switch my actual response to, “no thank you, I’m not interested.”

I got some idea for some long term sbtp goals.

Customers who spend over $100 get a small UltraPro binder. Like the kind I have that is red and white. Holds 150 cards or something? It would incentivise them to start collections and buy more cards from me!

I could customize it with a Sakura Miku artwork or something!

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post