Thu Dec 17 2020

So much to do! So little time…

I woke up at 11ish today. I forgot that I had disabled my alarm clock two days ago when I was up at 5AM. I didn’t have a sale yesterday, so I planned on sleeping in.

Well I slept in two days in a row!

I had a cool dream where I was doing Attack on Titan like maneuvers with a chain, swinging from trees, telephone poles, and playground structures. There was a kickass soundtrack to it as well, which I thought about noting down in LMMS, but I waited too long and now the tune is lost.

In the dream, I was doing some sort of obscacle course with a bunch of other students. We were all attached to long chains that wove through branches, and around obstacles. The goal was to start out up in a tree or telephone pole, and get down safely, following and untangling the chain as we went, bringing the chain with us to the finishline.

I was so afraid up in the tree or telephone pole or whatever it was. It’s like a large-scale brain teaser puzzle and I couldn’t figure out how to get my chain untangled, while simultaneously safely scaling down the pole.

It was just one other student and I left in the test, and I looked over to them. They looked just as confused, stuck at the top of their pole. I looked away for a moment, then back at them, and they were just kidding about being confused. They were off the pole and cheekily approaching the finishline with ease.

I didn’t give up, but I surrendered. I stopped trying so hard, and it was at that point when I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized that I could swing from structure to structure like a character from Attack on Titan. It was almost effortless, and I was throwing my chain and swinging from this to that. It felt really fun. I was really enjoying it. That’s when I could hear the music. It was as if the music were announcing my victory and celebrating the joy of the moment and the pride of some fictional country that I was in.

I piled my chain as I completed the course. I didn’t even bother going to the finishline, because I was dead last. I didn’t care though. I had fun and I learned a valuable new skill that no other participant had learned. I woke up shortly after that.

I got a few calls from the therapy office about reminders for upcoming appointments. One was the Monday individual therapy which I was already aware of. I wish they wouldn’t call me with reminders.. I never forget! The other was group tomorrow afternoon at 3pm which requires some art supplies that I hadn’t picked up yet.

I told them I would pick it up today, and I asked how large the supplies were, because I planned on putting them in a backpack. I didn’t mention the backpack, but I wish I would have, because it would have given them context.

They said it would fit in my hands and that the biggest part was a vinyl record. I brought my large backpack, just to be safe.

And yeah, the snow all melted so it was all good. It wasn’t even as cold as I thought it would be. It was a good ride. They just had the bags outside the office so I didn’t even have to go in. A silver lining of Covid– contactless pickup, LOL.

It’s nice for introverts like me, but then again, there are all sorts of downsides that I think outweigh any positives.

Anyway, it’ll be over eventually. One way or another. Maybe we’ll all start living like people in the movie Demolition Man. I’m definitely moving either way. I think Washington is doomed with the cancerous way that government here operates.

It’s not the spanish flu, but people are acting like it is. The covid brain virus that infected 100% of the population… that’s how I’m going to remember this time period.

I sent a proposal to a client via I haven’t got any jobs through there yet, but I’m being really persistent at spending 25 minutes there a day, submitting proposals on jobs that I think I can do.

I’m super afraid to actually get a job. I have complete faith in my ability to do the code part of the job, but then there’s the customer interaction part that really has me fearful. I am afraid of starting a Zoom call and not knowing the answer to a question they have. I’m afraid of appearing weak. I’m afraid of not looking like an expert.

There are no experts, though. or rather, maybe there are experts, but they’re not some omnipotent being. They just know a lot of shit because they spent a lot of shit researching.

What am I so afraid of?

I’m afraid of the initial call and having to be friendly and make a relationship. Then there’s the part where they might ask me what I need to do the job, and I’m supposed to present all the stuff that I need… I don’t feel like I deserve that. And the money that is promised for me completing the job, I don’t feel like I deserve that, either.

But that’s all bullshit. I know the code. I know what I need to get access to. It’s all just a matter of communicating that.

Do I want to be afraid? Do I want to choke up and be unable to speak or communicate what I need to complete the task??? No, that’s bullshit! I know what I need and I know that the person I’ll be interacting with might be completely clueless on the process that I need to take to finish the job.

It’s my job to communicate my needs. It’s my job to ask for what I need, and it’s my job to finish the task.

I’m afraid that the person might watch me as I work. I can’t work like that. I need quiet and calm and inner peace to do code work.

Well, again, here’s how a successful job will go.

  1. I get accepted for the job.
  2. I initiate communication with the client. Zoom or voice chat of some kind is preferred, as we can communicate a lot more more quickly that way.
  3. I find out the complete details of what the customer needs done.
  4. I propose a step-by-step solution. Example:
    1. I will (optionally) connect to your machine and get a feel for what I need to do.
    2. I will disconnect from the call and create the solution (this will take several hours).
    3. I will reconnect to your machine and install the solution
  5. I will get confirmation from the user
  6. I will implement the solution
  7. I will install the solution
  8. Customer and I will test the solution and verify it works.
  9. End job, initiate payment.

I’ll call that a 10 step process, even though there are only 9 steps. I could be missing a step somewhere, so I’ll call it 10 to be safe.

Damn, my wrist hurts. I’m definitely overusing it by typing for up to 16 hours a day.

I’m grateful that videos like this exist. Wrist-free yoga!

I just got an unexpected call from my therapy office. The peer support person was calling to say that my appointment had to be rescheduled today. But I don’t recall ever setting an appointment with them. I was so confused! Again, I was not being as open as I would like. I was holding back key information that I think could have helped sort out the situation.

I could have said, “I didn’t know we had an appointment today.” and that instantly would have cleared things up. Instead I held that information, and the person on the other end was equally confused!

They also said, “I left a message for you on your voicemail.”

I never heard such message. It’s probably my fault, as they were using my old number, and I don’t check that mailbox. But again, I withheld key information and I left them in the dark. FUCK!

I’m really dissapointed in myself, especially since I like this person. I had a crush on this person at the start of the year. I was happy to see this person via Zoom yesterday.


“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t get that voicemail.”

Something I could have said, but didn’t.

I left them in the dark! That’s not helpful! That’s not kind!

Crush or not, I want to be kind to people.

They could have been as confused as I. I didn’t show up for my appointment, and I wasn’t even aware that the appointment had been made for me.

Well this is just something I want to learn from. I want to be more open with people, and explain my situation. I don’t want to hide all my cards like it’s some life or death situation. It’s okay to explain my situation. I deserve to be on equal ground as the person I’m speaking with.

Well anyway, the outcome of that call was that this person said, “some wires must have gotten crossed” and “disregard this call.” and “I’ll see you on Wednesday for game group!”

So it wasn’t bad, but again, I’m not behaving in a way that I want to behave. I want to improve my behavior and become warm and friendly, not cold and standoffish.

Ok then. I’m wrappin’ this up.


I already mentioned wrist-free yoga, which I’m very grateful for, because my wrists need a break every now and then!

I’m grateful for this break in the snowy weather. I was able to have a nice, fun, safe, energizing ride.

I’m grateful for the wonderful people at Frontier Behavioral Health who put a lot of time and effort into helping the people in their community through mental health struggles. Ignore the 2.7 star rating on google reviews… There are some real heroes working there.


25. I’m warm and friendly. I’ll keep repeating it until it’s true!

74. I accept the good that is flowing into my life.
73. I choose to be happy.

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