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Thu Dec 5 2019 5:37 PM PST

Last updated on December 4, 2021

I’m super hungry. Yesterday I had an appointment with my clinician.

I’m ignoring H’s requests for help with his printer because I’m scared. And I’m selfish.

I’m watching SpaceX launch CRS-19 on Everyday Astronaut.

Congrats SpaceX on a successful CRS-19.

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because I had to go to work at 11ish. I had an awkward

fUck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I don’t want to write. I don’t want to feel . I diont’ want to focus. I want to eat and sleep and shit and come.

fuck this im out


K it’s been 5 minutes and I’m getting high so I’m fine now.

By getting high I mean I’m watching YouTube. THis is my vice. I’m not even going to fix that typo. Or the 5 toher typos. 6 typos.

Fuck.

I’m just gonna swear a lot in this episode. Fuck.

Shit. Fick.

Felk. Twelk.

I’m making up swears now.

I’m watching MrBeast’s latest vid. #4 ON TRENDING. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfv1QaRzJg=-0

Apparently I can’t paste a youtube video without it becoming an embed. Not exactly what I wanted, but whatever. I’m not going to fix the double paste below, either. Just not doing any work until after I eat.

I shall continue getting high now, by watching the remainder of this video.

So I am wondering what this pizza delivery guy is going to do about his day job. Leaving his position…

Oh, there’s an interview with Joey’s boss. His boss feels like he’s going to cry so I guess he’s an okay guy. That rhymed. I was just wondering if the boss would be upset that MrBeast & crew was stealing his employee for the day.

I wonder if Joey is even going to continue working as a pizza delivery guy now that he has a house. I wonder if it’s a fully paid house? Or does Joey now have a mortgage? I know MrBeast is rich, but I just don’t know how rich. I should probably watch the video to the end to see if my questions are answered.

I keep pausing to focus on writing my questions, but I might be asking questions that are ajfaiojfaojf;oajs;fj

you ge tthe oint

shit

cont

cunty

shit-e

fuck-e

10 grand

FUCK

Oh no… YouTube rewind is out. Let’s watch and see how much of a TRAINWRECKit is this year. Oooo, #1 ON TRENDING. Oh…. Those dislikes… Fucking shit, I was hoping there would be some comeback and it wouldn’t suck balls. But nope, it’s going to suck balls.

30 seconds in and I hate it. It’s trying to be too many things, as is the way of the Rewind.

This is cancer.

I have epilepsy now.

What genZer edited this? It”s got a shit ton of movement and colours and music and flashing typogroaphy and CGI transitions…

But what is the story here?

The story seems to be… THIS IS HOW TO HAVE CANCER.

Ok no seriously, there is no story. It’s simply a montage.

Well, here’s to a better YouTube rewind in 2020. Because this isn’t the year it makes a comeback.

QUIT TRYING TO BE EVERYTHING!

You can do anything, but you can’t do everything

Some smart fuck

Maybe I should just re-adopt my policy of not watching YouTube rewind. Like what even was that. There was no story. The story was, “in 2018, nobody liked youtube rewind. So in 2019, we made a montage.”

Trying to please everyone? It better be about cats or consider it an INSTAFAIL!

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I feel like I belong in this group of homeless people. I have skills but no drive.

I’m lazy and I don’t want to work. I identify as a stereotypical homeless person. But I guess I have all this shit that was given to me.

I was instructed by my clinician to write some shit about when I was feeling anxious.

I’ll do it later.

Fuck, some people are fat. These cops evicting people for example. Sooo fat. So incredibly fat.

And the landlord too, so fat. ANd the tenant. So fat. It’s a fat fest.

The tenant who was just evicted by a cop just thanked the cop. What the fuck is wrong with people? Don’t thank authority just because they are authority!

The cameraman questioned the landlord. It’s not the fucking landlord’s responsibility to let people live at a place for free! A landlord is not a charity and there’s no point shaming them.

My fucking curry is fucking fuck fack fooking done.

Fuck this waiting fuck this fuck fuck

WHAT THE FUCK

IM SO HIGH

On media. I don’t take medications or drugs, don’t worry.

But I’m super high from YouTube. I can’t disconnect. FUCK.


It;s several hours later. I”m still pissed. I can’t sleep because I’m too tense. I can’t play project DIVA because I’m too stressed. I almost yelled at Miku when I failed a song. I had to put hte game down immediately.

I’m not even fixing my typos because I’m jst not good.

I’m falling behind on things. I can’t wake up early becauawe4r-++

I literally just smashed my keyboard. Literally. I picked it up and threw it against my desk repeatedly. It was an external USB keyboard. I’m typing on my laptop’s keyboard now. It’s covered in dust. It feels a lot better than the USB keyboard I just destroyed.

Well this is awkward. This keyboard position is not good. Just look at where my hands have to be to reach my laptop keyboard. It’s like I’m driving a chopper motorcycle, with my arms stretched outwards.

I just hooked the broken keyboard up again to see if it still works. The lights come on but the keys don’t produce anything.

It’s totally fucking destroyed

Good riddance. I’ve been using that $5 Goodwill keyboard for way too long. It was a terrible keyboard. It wasn’t the first time I smashed it because it pissed me off.

Well, to be fair, I only smashed it when I’m in a shit mood. And right now I’m in a shit mood.

I have to admit though, it felt pretty good to smash the keyboard. I feel a little less tense now.


I pulled out a Lenovo keyboard I have. It’s covered in dust. It has raised keys with a more tactile feel. It’s slightly less shitty than the keyboard I just destroyed. This one I bought from Recycle Techs for $5. It’s used6524q3awewqQzdwr5t9oiqr`1

I just cleaned the keyboard.

Ok so yeah, I can’t remember the last time I had a new keyboard. Besides of course my laptop’s built in keyboard. But this laptop can’t really be called a laptop. It weighs 12 lbs. It would start to hurt my lap if I used it as a laptop.

This keyboard is nice. I will try to make it last because I can’t afford to buy another $5 keyboard for awhile.

I had all these plans to get a new chair and a new keyboard when I got into Hack Reactor. Fuck my planning. None of my plans ever pan out.

I’m so upset because I don’t want to work in landscaping, but that’s the only job that seems to come my way.

That’s not true. I have had requests for computer help. Like I mentioned at the start of this blog post. But I’m too afraid to call H. I’m too afraid to have a relationship with him.

I’m afraid of having a relationship with H because I know I can’t be myself around other people. I put on a mask and I’ll have some superficial relationship with a fake persona that I wear when I am with people.

I’m only my real self when I’m at conventions. But even then I’ve been falling back to my fake ass persona because…. I don’t even know why. When I first met B. I thought to myself that I would be my true self with her. I decided that I would be my true self and if she didn’t like it, we wouldn’t end up being friends. I was my true self during Sakuracon 2018.

Then something happened. I wore my fake persona again. I’ll call my fake persona Craig, just so it has a name.

Craig says yes to everything. Craig will rather stay quiet than express his opinion and risk someone being offended. Craig will rather kill a conversation than open up and expose an unlikable trait.

Craig is a coward. Craig says as little as possible. Craig has no sense of humor. Craig doesn’t smile.

Craig conforms to Craig’s audience. Craig determines what Craig’s audience likes, then tries to fit in. Craig’s audience likes muscle cars? Craig loves muscle cars too.

Fuck Craig.

I don’t want to talk about that anymore right now. But I’ve at least registered this fraud of an identity, so I can track Craig’s activities more ultra better now.

So I am falling behind on shit and I’m upset about it. I’m FUCKING INFURIATED about it!

I’m falling behind because I’m working for my dad again. I only worked 4 hours today but I wasted countless more because I overslept instead of dealing with my problems.

Me oversleeping is me hiding from my problems. I’m subconsciously shifting my sleep schedule so I will naturally be asleep during the times when I would be doing the SHIT that I don’t want to do. In this case, this SHIT is working for my dad again.

And I have to do the same tomorrow and the next day, so THERE GOES MY FUCKING FUCK ASS FUCK SHIT SHEELPEEP SCHEDULE

I was doing so well.

I’m angry. I cannot control this sleep schedule part of me if I am so resistant to something I have to do. It makes me sick to think that the sleep schedule I have worked so hard to keep is going to go away.

I literally can’t control it because it’s subconscious. I will not be able to sleep because my subconscious knows what is happening in the morning and it wants to protect me from it.

The solution is to LOVE WHAT I DO. But I’m in this vicious cycle where I do the exact opposite, then try a little to get out of those things I hate, then fail, then do the exact opposite of what I love, then try a little to get out of those things I hate, then fail, then do the exact opposite of what I love… THIS CYCLE HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR AN ENTIRE DECADE!

So I’m disgusted at myself for continuing the cycle. I’m furious that I can’t work on Advent of Code or my Jeopardy clone. I’m furious that I can’t get a good writing session in because I’m too worn out after shoveling dirt and gravel for four hours.

I’m at my word quota, but I’m not stopping yet. Maybe I should stop and start a new post, because it’s the 6th now. It’s 3:58 AM and I can’t sleep because I know I have to work tomorrow and I’m doing what I just described.

Fuck you, Craig!

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