Last updated on February 13, 2020
Schedule drift is real. 2:11PM. Actually I woke up today at about the same time as I did yesterday, so that’s not too bad. The bad part is when I went to sleep. I went to sleep this morning at approximately 7:30 AM. That’s a definite drift.
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about the problems I have, or anything. I just want to list P-Memories cards on eBay and watch The Mole season 2.
I don’t want to think about the text message my sister A. sent me, in which she asked me if I wanted her to ask for Lilac City Comicon tickets. I don’t want to go to Lilac City Comicon because that sounds like a money grab, and I don’t have a dime in my budget to spend on such a thing.
I don’t have a dime in my budget to send on any single thing.
I think the reality is that this eBay business is failing right now. I am out of capital to put into it. My credit cards are maxed out. I can’t afford groceries or gas or more inventory acquisitions. The money I do have access to is money that I’ve made on eBay. I don’t make enough at this point to keep the business going, and support myself.
And why should I continue if I’m chronically unhappy? I am failing to keep positive. I am failing because the pressure to make money is too great. I’m failing because the day to day is not worth it. I am not part of a family I enjoy being with, I spend most of my days alone in isolation, and I distract myself from my problems and deny they even exist.
Inventory isn’t flying out the door as I had hoped, and even if it was, I’m not listing enough every day and not making enough quality acquisitions to keep this going.
I can’t get another credit card to keep this going and make more product acquisitions. I applied for one, and my credit limit for this one was $300. I don’t even know how I will make it’s monthly payments. I’m struggling as-is to make 3 monthly payments on the credit cards I already have. It’s clear that eBay cannot be my main source of income. It’s clear that it’s time I wind it down and leave it as a side-hustle.
I fucking hate working. Working has with it a mammoth bundle of stress and anxiety. A full-time job reduces my life to a soul-sucking existence. I don’t make friends at work, and I’m not myself. I’m a co-dependent, subservient fucktard when I have a job.
Web development is not desirable anymore. I don’t want a boss. I want to have a job with maximum free time, and maximum fun.
I wonder if I can make eBay work if I keep a better sleep schedule. Is my sleep schedule drift causing me to be depressed, or is being depressed causing my sleep schedule to drift? I think it’s due to me not dealing with my emotions. I just put 100% focus into my work, and forget about everything else.
I can’t possibly hope to hold any sort of job because I can’t consistently be on time for anything. Shit I want to go to and plan to attend for weeks (Intro to Buddhism) are inaccessible to me because I seem to think 6PM means 7PM. I determine that I need 45 minutes to get to the Buddhist temple, spend all day planning, but I’ll figure out a way to be late.
Fuck affirmations. I was about to write one. I haven’t yet dealt with the emotions I’m feeling, so I can’t write affirmations yet.
I’m consistently late, even with a plan to be early. I can get better and planning and reading time and being early with more time and practice. But what about now? Right fucking now. Right fucking now I have $300 in my Paypal account, I have $5 in my wallet, and $80 in my checking account. My savings account is empty, and I have $1,770.00 in stocks.
My most pressing upcoming expenses are $400 for rent on Feb 28, which is upcoming in 2 weeks and 1 day. I also have to buy gas, probably today, and that will cost $20. I never fill up my tank, because I’ve been YNAB poor for so long. I just put $20 in it which gets it a little below half tank.
Ok then, it is clear that I have to do something different if I am to make rent. It’s possible I could get my Paypal account up to $400 by two weeks from now, but then what after that? With no money to make more product acquisitions, I’m not sure what I would do to make $400 for the next month.
I need a lot more than $400 income every month. I have to pay for gas and vehicle maintenance. I need to get an oil change in the upcoming weeks. I need to pay auto insurance soon, buy groceries…
I applied for food stamps. We’ll see how that goes.
I’m waiting on my bank to send me tax documents. I’m hoping that tax returns will give me an extra boost which can keep me going for another month or so.
I need a little boost every so often. I need to figure out a reliable method to sit on the computer at home, and bring in $200 every month. That’s a good number to start. Then I can scale up from there.
I WANT TO LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE! I want to smash the buttons on my keyboard as I type that sentence. I want to live how I want to live! I want to go to conventions and weekly events with my friends and my chosen communities. Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA), Spokane Buddhist Temple (SBT), and Nerds United (NU!)
I wouldn’t be so damn lonely if I did a social activity every day. I wouldn’t be so damn dismayed if I wasn’t so damn lonely.
Well, maybe that’s what I need to work on. Maybe work can wait, rent can wait (rent can’t wait.)
- Monday: ??? (no scheduled event)
- Tuesday: Behavioral Group Therapy, CoDA, Video Games
- Wednesday: SBT
- Thursday: ??? (no scheduled event)
- Friday: Behavioral Therapy
- Saturday: Nerds United
- Sunday: Mahjong, Family dinner
That’s what my social gathering schedule looks like at the moment. Right now I’m on a Thursday which means It’s a lonely day. Wednesday I didn’t do anything because I couldn’t read time properly and I was cooking dinner when I should have been on my way to SBT. Now I gotta wait a whole fucking month until I can attend a intro to buddhism course there.
It’s the biggest screwup I think I have done in recent history. I plan for weeks to attend. I determine I need to leave precisely 45 minutes before the event start time in order to be EARLY, not simply on time.
I look at the clock, I notice it’s 5PM. Ok, the event is at 6PM so I need to leave at 6:15 in order to be on time. I continue cooking food. 5:45 rolls around and I finish cooking. I tell myself that I have 30 minutes to eat before I have to be on the road.
6:00PM rolls around and I feel a sinking feeling in my gut. 6PM comes after 5. This whole time I should have been getting myself to SBT, not preparing a meal. 6 comes after 5. 6 doesn’t come after 6. I was acting as if there were two 6 o’clocks.
What the fuck was I thinking?
80. Yesterday was a bad day, not a bad life. Today will be better.
Yesterday was supremely bad. I was asked at Twice as Nice thrift store how I was doing. I said, “fine.” but really I wanted to say,
Fucking terrible. I’m stressed out and I’m angry and I just woke up 2 hours ago and I’m angry for not being able to hold a sleep schedule, and I’m lonely and scared that I won’t be able to make rent or buy groceries.
If I remember back to last year when I was upset about working for my dad, and wishing I were struggling to make ends meet while simultaneously doing what I loved… I’m there! Hah.
73. I choose to be happy.
What’s the alternative to choosing to be happy? Choosing to be angry. Choosing to be miserable. Choosing to be mad.
I guess that’s what I’m doing at this very moment. I’m choosing to be mad because it fits my perception of my life.
My life is worthy of being angry about. Actually I think the feeling I’m feeling is sadness, not anger. Anger comes with it the urge to attack. I don’t feel like attacking anything. I feel like going back to bed.
15. Today, I will celebrate me.
I say that, but I don’t feel it. I feel like giving up and getting a job and being miserable and starting over on my quest to be a dead beat with no goals and no future.
Wow, when I put it that way, I have to shame myself immediately. How stupid would I have to be to want to feel miserable again? I’ve been generally okay the past few weeks. I’m struggling with money, but I don’t think there is a good need to struggle with despair as well.
32. I choose hope.
22. I choose to focus on what I can control.
What am I hopeful about? I’m hopeful that I can be an entrepreneur. I turned $500 into $1770.00 in the stock market. I’m doing really good in that regard! Now, that gain took me 2 years, which puts things into perspective. I’m not a magician who can conjure infinite money infinitely fast. The stock market could crash and I could lose everything. The fed could seize my money or the IRS could audit me and I have to pay them everything I have and more.
12. I am smart.
Why thank you for saying so!
Ok then, if I’m so smart, how can I make $400 in a month in a way that is fun and reliably reproducible?
I can sell P-Memories cards at $7 a peice! That would be 57 cards sold every month. That sales rate is not realistic! I sold one card earlier this week. Let’s say I can continue that trend and I sell 1 card a week. 4 weeks in a month makes 28 dollars a month.
Not realistic! Although I’ll gladly take that $28 a month. Now, if I had n different revenue streams, all of which brought in $28 a month, how many of those revenues would I need to bring in $400 a month?
I wonder if I could figure out 14 different revenue streams?
Oh hey, I just thought of a new month-long challenge!
At the start of February, I was planning on doing February Faces, a challenge to draw two faces every day for the duration of February. I bailed out of that challenge about 3 days in.
I think for the rest of February, I’ll take on a challenge of my own. I’ll create a new revenue stream every day of the month! Give this process some time, and I might just have a viable business model.
Ok then. Let’s say I started yesterday, since yesterday I coincidentally created a GigBUCKS seller profile. I created a gig in which I offer to create a music track for the buyer for $5.
I think I can charge more in the future, but the limit is $5 at the start. Not completely sure how the site works yet.
Anyway, there’s one stream of revenue. I shouldn’t say stream. I can’t even consider that a trickle until I get my first sale.
Ok well it’s a baby step.
I think my next revenue stream will be a new DJ CrisP YouTube channel in which I upload my tracks, individually. I think it’s better for SEO and YouTube’s promotional algorithm if I upload less more often.
Anyway, I’ll do that, and hopefully drive traffic to my website for free downloads, all while I get ad revenue (what ads?)
I don’t have ads at this point. My Google adsense application was rejected for reasons unclear. I don’t really want Google on my website to begin with, due to the fact that Google is an evil company.
I’m not just saying Google is an evil company. Their original company motto, “don’t be evil.” served as a canary warning when it was removed. I think the founders realized it had become an evil company, which is why they formed a new company, Alphabet. Stupid name.
Anyway, that’s enough writing for now. I’m going to package up 3 shipments which are going out today, and make a trip down to the post office. After that, I’m going to exercise.
I’m grateful for my sister A. who thinks of me and often reaches out. I feel loved and appreciated because of that.
I’m grateful for my ceiling fan in my bathroom. I’m grateful for all ceiling fans in bathrooms. They make life and pooping a lot more comfortable. When hotel rooms don’t have them, I immediately miss them!
I’m grateful for Tim Dodd “the everyday astronaut.” He produces a lot of space related content that is really interesting to watch and learn from. My favorite videos of his are the SpaceX livestreams he does. It’s ironic that I like his livestreams because I detest about 99% of livestreams on the internet. I consider those 99% useless noise and a sad attempt for the streamer to make money or feel connected, when they would be better suited to do something else for money and meet people in person or even simply make a phone call to feel less alone.
I’m addicted to the internet and I want a job on the internet. IRONIC!
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