I slept through video game time again. I woke up at 1AM. One hour later than yesterday. See what I mean? I can’t help my schedule drift. It drifts about 1 hour a day which means every 12 days my schedule is completely backwards.

Perhaps it’s because I’m too sedentary. Even though I have been exercising every day, it never seems to be enough exercise.

I don’t want to write. I want to avoid my problems and list shit on eBay all day.

Maybe I missed video game day because I subconsciously don’t feel worthy of having fun. I used to do that to avoid having to go to school or work. I would sleep during the times that I should be at school or work.

I’m wondering if I can game the system a little more, while I build my business. Do college students get more benefits? That’s what I’m thinking at the moment. I could enroll in school and study Japanese and communications, then get financial aid to pay for both, and perhaps financial aid to help pay rent?

IDK. I’m looking into it. My fucking recovery questions on SFCC’s websites aren’t taking. To reset my password I have to correctly answer 3 recovery questions, add my date of birth, and my e-mail. What an archaic system. To get IT support, I have to log in using my account. It’s almost as pathetic as eBay’s website!

I’m feeling quite judgemental at the moment. I think it’s because I am avoiding my problems.

My problems such as my inability to provide for myself. My problems such as my fruitless computer addiction. My problems such as my constipation. My problems such as the ongoing ant invasion in my apartment. My problems such as my empty pantry. My problems such as my obsessive isolation. My problems such as my failure to show up to a potential employer yesterday to drop off my resume..

I ate some pizza dough that I made yesterday. I felt like shit afterwards. I was so angry, partially due to the resume thing, and I think it had a lot to do with the inflammation caused by the gluten. I think I would have been just sad about not dropping off my resume, but because of the stomach pain, I became pretty angry.

I couldn’t find the place. I was looking for “Spokane Valley Screen Printing” on a sign but I couldn’t see it. I drove past twice but it didn’t catch my eye. I fucking hate Trent. I think the speed limit on Trent is too high for the road conditions. It isn’t safe.

I got home and I looked up the place on Google maps. Their logo looks like the rock band AC/DC’s logo. SV/SP. It’s abbreviated then. Alrighty then. I know where it is now. My sister told me that this place is hiring and she personally knows the owner or manager.

I don’t want to apply because I’ll probably bail out in a few weeks like I always do. Then I’ll make my sister look bad… AGAIN.

I can’t do it. I’m too low level to work in a place that probably has a fast paced environment. I might have to answer a phone or talk to a customer. Fuck that. I don’t want it. I don’t want to work for anyone. I want to work for myself and scale up my eBay business.

I’m feeling like writing sad depressed shit so I think I might just take a few minutes to take care of myself.

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I ate some food. I’m out of protein sources other than rice and whole wheat flour. I hope to receive my EBT card soon so I can make a trip to the grocery store.

eBay says I sold $1223.09 in the past 31 days. I don’t believe it.

I’m just not feeling very positive right now. I miss my friends. Matt and Daniel especially. I’ll be seeing D. on Saturday so that’s good. I might even receive Lucidity by then, which means we could play it again. I want to get familiar with all the rules so I can teach it and make sure we play it as the developer intended. I am also excited to make an acrylic cut-out and sell it on Etsy and eBay. I wonder if there is much of a market for that sort of thing?

I’m thinking my best bet is to buy a piece of acrylic on eBay then go to Spokane Create and laser cut it. I suppose it would be a good thing for me to start going to Spokane Create again. They have Wednesday and Saturday meetups which would be good for me to go to.

I checked their website. Apparently they meet on wednesdays only now. Their location changed from what I remember as well.

I don’t want to go. It’s a social setting and I don’t do well in social settings.

What if I went every week, regardless of whether or not I wanted to make something? Just so it became no big deal anymore? Just like DBT group therapy? That shit was scary as fuck to begin with, but I ended strong and I got used to showing up and it wasn’t a big deal anymore!

What if I made Spokane Create my Wednesday hang out spot? I don’t usually have anything else to do on Wednesday, and I get depressed when I don’t socialize for days on end…

Hmm… Ok then, I’ll put it on my calendar.

My parents are going to be gone for the next 5 days. They’re going to southern Idaho. I’m assuming it’s to visit family. My mom asked me if I’d rather not care for the dogs & fish and I said no because I don’t want to work for my parents because I use that as an excuse for not moving forward with my own life.

So apparently the neighbor is going to feed the fish. I’m going to be locked out of the house which means I can’t do laundry this weekend. Sunday is my laundry day, but not this weekend! It’s not a big deal, I have plenty of clothes to last me until next week.

I’m tempted to take this as a sign that I’m not welcome or some shit. But I can’t think that way. My mom told me in her text that she’s locking the house because she doesn’t want the neighbor to be freaked out if there are people in the house that she’s not expecting to be there.

*deep breath*

Shit is changing and it’s scary. Has the last time that I receive payment for services rendered to my parents occurred?

I hope so, and signs are indicating that yes, such last time has occurred, but I’m having trouble believing it.

I watched about 10 minutes of a conversation between Steven Pinker and Sam Harris. I got bored af from that conversation in which Steven Pinker talked about trivial shit I don’t care about. Anyway, the one thing I did find fascinating is that we humans are not wired to appreciate the good stuff. We are wired to appreciate the bad stuff.

Crazy.

I think the example he gave was of all the technological advancement we’ve had in the past several years. Internet, instant communication, medicine, etc. All that good stuff and people tend to focus on the shit that the president of the USA is doing wrong, or terrorist attacks, etc.

The technology has made a net good and we live in the most peaceful time in known history and still, news outlets focus on bad.

news outlets focus on bad because that’s what gets clicks. Bad outrageous anger inducing shit gets clicks, because humans are wired to appreciate those emotions and give them the most attention.

Cleopatra lived closer to the creation of the iPhone than she did to the building of the Great Pyramid. I just learned that fact yesterday. Amazing! This goes to show just how long Egypt has been doing it’s thing. 2686 BC. That’s almost three thousand years before Christ!

That civilization must have been sophisticated as fuck. Or maybe they weren’t because the didn’t have the IC? Or did they? Who the fuck knows? I sure don’t. I’m just now realizing that humans in Egypt were building pyramids and doing other shit almost five thousand years ago.

Did ancient Egypt have radio? Were the civilians oppressed to the point where there could be no such innovation? I’m curious. Maybe I could find a book at the Library about this subject. What the fuck am I talking about. I have the internet. I could research this but fuuuuck no. I’d rather list cards on eBay so I can have some income and buy groceries.

I’m angry! I don’t want to take a screen printing job if I can make eBay work for me. Fuuuuuuck! This is a difficult time.

No creative writing right now because…

No, no fuck you! Creative writing right now! No excuses!

I’m grateful for toilets because I can poop in them.

I’m grateful for rice because I can eat it.

I’m grateful for trading cards because I can sell them and collect them.

82. While I wait for the storm to pass, I will choose to dance in the rain.
91. I make a difference in the world.
92. I will allow myself to take a break and do something I enjoy.

Fear and self-loathing. That is the topic of the thoughts I had during my short walk. I didn’t take a cheat day this week, so I pretty much took it today. I think I feel so down because I am not eating well. I have been eating rice with mustard. That’s about it.

It’s taking a lot of forcing myself to think positive right now. Thus, my short gratitude list. gratitude lists are supposed to help me think positively, so I suppose I should give that list more effort.

I think I should prioritize self care.

Self… care.

Self… go die.

1800 words. 2000 seems like 20000

self care