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Thu Jan 30 2020

2:22PM. My schedule is drifting. I’m sad about this. Very sad. Last night my dad texted me and asked for help moving some furniture. My mood went south. I couldn’t focus anymore. This was the moment I’ve been anticipating for the past several weeks, the moment where my dad would come to me with a work request, and I would have to say no. It took me hours to build up the courage, but I eventually responded, “No, I can’t.”

I feel terrible. I feel guilty. I feel like I might get kicked out. I feel depressed. I have a terrible feeling in my gut.

I have to distance myself. I have to detach. I have to live for myself and think for myself and say what I mean and mean what I say. I can’t help my dad anymore. I won’t work for him anymore. My therapist suggested that I re-parent myself with a unconditionally kind and loving parent persona in my own head. I don’t want to rely on my actual parents anymore for kindness and love. To do so will only hurt me. I need to rely on myself for kindness and love, and anything my actual parents do for me to that end is icing on the cake.

I’ve slept for 10 hours and my bad mood has carried over to today. I feel like I should have helped. Even though I have a full time commitment now of engineering a life worth living, I feel like I should have gone out of my way and been subservient to my dad. How fucked up is that, that I’m placing his needs above mine?

I need to detach. Physically and emotionally and financially detach. I need financial independence from my parents. I need a job that has nothing to do with my parents. I need a living space that has nothing to do with my parents. I need a routine that has nothing to do with my parents.

I need to end the boss/employee relationship with my parents. Even little jobs are unacceptable anymore. I don’t know if the job today was work or just being helpful. I need clearly defined lines on which is which, and the only way that can happen is if the amount of work I do for my parents is zero.

I’ll help them if they ask for my help. But what I’m sensing is that I wasn’t being asked for help. I was being asked to work for my dad.

I’m so done! October through December last year, I was ready to kill myself because I was so unhappy with my life. I felt so trapped in the idea that I could never escape from working for my parents. I could never life a meaningful life of my own choosing, I was only a pawn being controlled.

I had to think about this a lot last night before choosing to reply with a no. I desire to live an intentional life, not one that is handed to me. I was literally excited to deal with these problems when I came back to my body after the most intense psychedelic experience of my life last week.

Now it’s time for me to deal with these problems. I have to face my crap and put my foot down. I have to say what I mean and mean what I say. I don’t want to help my dad move a desk from his work to his home. That’s work and I’m cutting off the work I do for my dad right here and now. The only thing doing more work for my dad guarantees is that I’ll have more work for my dad in the future.

I’m an entrepreneur now. I have an eBay store that I’m investing everything into. It requires my full, undivided attention. It requires my focus and my willpower, which need to be on point every single day. I can’t be thinking about my dad issues when I’m trying to work. I can’t be sleeping in until 2PM because I’m too depressed about my dad issues to get out of bed.

My dad issues are coming to a close. I am going to be paying rent from here on out, and I’m not going to do a fucking thing about the jobs my dad offers me. I’m going to say no to every one of them. I’m going to say no until it’s clear that I’m not helping anymore. I’m going to work up the courage to actually say this to my dad. I’m going to tell him that I can’t help him anymore.

There may be backlash. I don’t think it will happen right away, but I may get kicked out. I will deal with that if or when it happens. If it does happen, I’m simply one step closer to my goal of being physically independent of my parents.

I think it would help to communicate what is going on with me to my parents. They are in the dark right now. They have no idea what is going on in my head. If the past trend continues, my dad will just make an assumption of my mental state, and act on that. In the past, he’s assumed that 1) I’m not interested in women. 2) I’m not interested in working.

Not the case. I am interested in women, I just hold back because of where I live and how little money I make.

I am interested in working, but only in a job which I can tolerate and encourages me to grow. If I can do it, it will work, and it is worth it, I’m interested in the job. Right now the only job I’m interested is eBay.

2:49PM. Writing takes a lot of time. I place a lot of importance on my journal every day. It is what helps me work through my feelings. I would probably be depressed right now if I hadn’t typed out the father issues I just typed.

Next issue is one of logistics. It’s almost 3PM and I have CoDA at 5:30. I’m thinking of not going because the venue is 1/2 hour away. I have too much other important shit going on, so I don’t think I want to invest 2 hours into CoDA. I don’t want to invest the gas either. One more reason to downsize my vehicle!

I’m thinking a smart car. That would give me significantly less debt than a Tesla would. What if I get kicked out though? I can’t really sleep in a smart car. I could maybe haul a tent.

Here we go. A smart car in Spokane for $5K. Pretty cool! There’s another one for about the same price.

I’m thinking of delayed gratification that Martin from Wintergatan Wednesdays was talking about yesterday. It would be wrong of me to jump into debt unnecessarily, when I am completely capable of saving up for a car like this. I at least should make a down payment of at least half, rather than financing the entire thing.

I might have trouble with hauling packages to FedEx if I got a car this small. Well wait a minute, I think that’s not really an issue I should consider. I’d say 100% of the items I have for sale or have sold in the past year would fit in the Smart Car. Anything that wouldn’t fit would probably have to be shipped freight anyway, and that would require a semi truck coming to pick up the item.

Ok then, I’m doing the responsible thing. Firstly I need to cut down on my credit debt. This requires working more. More thrifting every week. More listing every day. I have not made my 10 items per day quota every day this week. Perhaps this should be my current goal.

#Jamuary2020 is winding down. Due to this, I will have an extra hour or so every day. I could use this hour for more eBay listing time. Actually, I should probably not do that, unless I have worked 8+ hours already on eBay. Chill time is important.

I’m having second thoughts about not going into debt for a different car. My suburban takes a lot of money to operate. It looks like I spent around $70 in gas this month, which is less than I thought, but I haven’t been driving that much because of the expenses. The suspension is failing in the front left, and will need maintenance soon. I have to pay around $100 yearly for licensing, and $1000 yearly for insurance.

I suppose the only thing I’ll be saving money on with a Smart car is gas, since they get 40+ miles per gallon. It will still need maintenance, licensing, and insurance.

To buy now would only mean an additional expense. But then there is the issue of selling my Suburban now versus later. If I sell now, I could get more money because it’s drivable. If I wait until it breaks down, it’ll be worth less money.

A smart car opens up new job opportunities. Instacart or DoorDash come to mind. A suburban is a terrible delivery vehicle, whereas a Smart Car is the best possible delivery vehicle I could think of.

There are too many data points for me to consider. I’m sticking with my Suburban for now. When it breaks down, I’ll be inclined to sell and go in debt at that time. Right now I really have to concentrate on making rent for February, which means not worrying about a vehicle and just getting shit listed on eBay.

I bought some fabric patterns from Value Villiage the other day. I went for patterns that I wouldn’t mind owning, in case I can’t sell them. I’ll get them listed today, along with enough items to bring my daily listing count up to 10.

10 x 7 means 70 listings a week. That’s a number I’m happy with. I think I have probably a week worth of items ready to list. I’m low on money, so I need to be list-happy for a good amount of time.

I finally figured out how to get money from Paypal transferred to my bank. I had to call Paypal and tell them what was going on, that I was getting an error when I tried to link my checking account. It’s all sorted now.

CoDA is in less than 2 hours. I’m not going to make it, no way in hell. Well, I could make it. I totally could make it, but I am prioritizing exercise and eating. Self care. I’m just going to make a better effort next Tuesday for the Valley meeting. I’ve forgiven myself for being panicky and ringing the doorbell last tuesday when the sign specifically said to text and not ring the doorbell. I’ve forgiven myself rather than wallowing in regret and carrying that.

I’m just going to show up 10 minutes early, like I did the first time I went to CoDA. That gives me plenty of time to be let in at the door, use the restroom, find a seat. It’ll be good.

Reality is a curiosity. Life is a chore. It is okay.

What I learned from psychedelics in 2020.

I pinned this quote to my wall. It’s what I wrote out on a full page of parchment paper in sharpie when I returned to my body after tripping on mushrooms. Another thing I learned was that it’s okay to seek comfort when I’m scared. I was very frightened at the peak of my trip. I felt dead, I felt alone, I felt trapped, and I felt tortured. It felt like that feeling would never end now that I was dead. I could either wallow in torturous pain, or I could find a different way to experience consciousness. I chose to find something that was comfortable.

I guess in many ways I took the blue pill. I felt like this life I live in right now as Chris isn’t the real world. It felt like I was starting to see into a different world, and a group of people on the other side were tending to my real body. One had a motherly caring aspect to her, the others were more like doctors. I felt like I was being patted on the back or embraced by the mother figure.

Too jarring, that trip was. 27mg of psilocybin is too much for me. I think 18mg is probably just right. I think with 18, I’ll be able to gently leave my body. 27mg just made me hurl.

I’ll keep that in mind for my next trip. My therapist seemed a little worried about where I got my mushrooms. LOL, I should have explained it better. The place I bought from is like eBay. Sellers gain reputation, receive ratings from buyers, and I bought from a reputable one with flawless ratings and one I’ve done business with in the past.

Santa Cruz decriminalized psychedelic mushrooms! Score +1 for California! I think we’ll see lots of good come from this. First, a new industry of mushroom manufacturers. Next, a new tool for practitioners of medicine, behavioral health experts, etc. Finally, other states will adopt similar practices and a cycle of good will spread like waves. At least among the cool states. Places like WA, CO, OR where marijuana is already legalized.

Thanks internet, for slowly and surely spreading awareness and dispelling age-old propaganda, FUD, and antiquated law structures!

Oh I’m at 2000 words already. I’m grateful for dark markets which facilitate safe production and distribution of psychedelics. I hope to see my favorite vendor TWS become a legal psilocybin producing entity in California and beyond! Actually, that brand probably has to stay dark forever, at least as long as mushrooms are federally legal.

Whatevs, that’s fine, darknet or not, illegal or not, TWS is the best I know of, and I wish them good fortune!

I’m grateful for the people of California who are accepting of magic mushrooms. I’m grateful for my ability for change in this difficult time, and the fact that I keep pushing forward, hoping for a better future.

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