Thu Jun 4 2020

body painting, makeup, cosplay

I did things differently today. I woke up, handled shipments (3 non-trading card shipments) then I walked them out to the mailbox.

Next I went back to my apartment and got ready to walk to Albertson’s. I became depressed as I walked down the driveway toward the road, and ended up going back inside to drop off my backpack and hat.

I didn’t let myself do what I wanted– to sit inside and sulk. I got back on my routine of walking in the morning. I walked 25 laps around the campfire, and was able to sort through some of the debilitating thoughts that I was having.

I’m having a bad day or a bad week. It’s okay for me to take time off of eBay and figure out what I need. I’m important enough and I’m worth that much and more.

I finished my walk and saw my dad outside, prepping the back yard for a relative’s wedding that is happening in a few weeks. We exchanged some small talk as I finished my walk and headed back to my apartment.

I took it easy. I snacked on dried mango and peanut butter. I prepped some dried garbanzo beans for dinner. I watched some a few youtube videos then showered and shaved. I studied Japanese for 23 minutes. I couldn’t do the whole 25, as I became quite sleepy during my studies. I went straight to bed.

I think it was around 1PM when I napped. It’s 5:28PM now.

My plans for the rest of the day are to journal, eat a good meal, and prepare for an outing tomorrow.

I would like to walk to Albertson’s and buy groceries and postage tomorrow. Thursday has a reserved time slot for seniors and the immune-compromised. I think that time slot falls into the morning time when I would like to be at Albertsons. It’s the time of the day when Albertsons is not not very busy.

I use the excuse of those reserved time slots as one more reason to not walk to Albertson’s. I don’t need any extra reasons to avoid the grocery store– my brain makes enough arbitrary reasons on it’s own!

I read a good article about anxiety in the workplace.

The thing that resonated with me is how people can clamp down on situations when they feel fearful about them. Project managers sometimes create work with over the top, lengthy checklists and a bureaucratic approval process which can undermine the trust in a team.

The project manager does this because they feel they are out of control of a desired outcome, such as winning a new client. To try to feel like they are in control, they take a stranglehold on a project, micromanage, and jeopardize relationships.

I think I experienced a similar thing this week. I felt like I was out of control of my own destiny.

I feel like my bank account is in control. I feel I did everything right, but the economy dictates that I cannot get ahead.

I feel like I failed such a simple thing– keep postage stamps in stock so I can ship product. I feel that this mistake is costing me double. Once because I have to pay extra for postage, twice because I’m ill equipped to fulfill orders that I so desperately need to simply break even.

God, it sucks that I couldn’t write about this yesterday or the day before. I became so depressed that I couldn’t walk to the store.

I was so depressed that I couldn’t get on the computer to list products on eBay. I couldn’t code. I couldn’t even play video games with friends. I couldn’t even enjoy a youtube video.

I couldn’t meditate or do yoga. I couldn’t walk out back. I didn’t even feel tired, I was just done being conscious and I had to check out.

I think a big part of this feeling might have to do with food. I haven’t been eating very well. Sunday and Monday I ate great, and I felt great. The rest of the week just went south as I ate increasingly small meals.

Now I’m making some refried beans using this recipe

I’m using garbanzo beans, as it’s the only bean I have. Next time I go to the grocery store, I’ll be picking up some black and pinto beans.

As the beans cook, I feel weak in the knees from what I think is hunger. I know this feeling all too well.

I’m looking forward to the picnic this weekend. Still not sure how I’m going to get there. 14 miles. Walking would take 4.5 hours. I’m not opposed to a walk of that distance.

14 miles is about a half marathon. It could be a good experience.

A bike ride would take 1.5 hours. I’d rather have 1.5 hours travel time, vs. 4.5. The issue is cost. If I go buy a bike, I’d be doing so on credit.

I might just do it and justify the purchase for mental health. Doing so would just ensure that I’m in debt for a long time, but also give me good reason to get a PT job.

I might just walk and justify the time as a cost saving measure.

It’s not just 4.5 hours, it’s 4.5 hours both ways.


I’m thinking of activating one of the several credit cards I have, and using it to buy a bike. On Saturday I can walk down to the bike shop, purchase a bike on credit, then ride the rest of the way on a brand new shiny bicycle.

I could also buy the bicycle on Friday, before doing grocery shopping. Doing so would expedite my travel time on both outings.

I don’t have a repayment plan. I already have 3 credit cards, 1 of which I shredded.

It would not be wise to purchase a bicycle.

But it’s an asset I need to get around and maintain my physical and mental health! I think it’s okay to go in debt for such an asset.

True, but I have a suburban sitting at home which I don’t use.

Here’s an idea…

I get a rental storage unit from which I do my eBay business. I then become homeless and get around via bicycle.


Why didn’t I think of this sooner?

This is my contingency plan!

I gotta find someplace to squat though. Also how will I cook my food?

Propane camping stove?

That would actually tick several checkboxes in my life goals.

  • Office? Check.
  • Independence? Check.
  • Efficient vehicle? Check.
  • No gas payments? Check.
  • No auto insurance payment? Check.
  • Fitness? Check.
  • No housing expenses? Check.

I could work a PT job, just to pass the time and get $$$.

Eventually, I could save enough to get a manufactured home somewhere. Ooo, yeah! I could have a trailer park getaway with high speed Starlink internet.

I’d need a gym membership so I can shower.

Something to think about.

83. I am loved.
84. I will remember; often difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.
85. There is more to this life than this moment; I choose to keep moving forward.

Where would I poop?

I suppose I could poop at the gym, public parks, restaurants, and at work.

Work. I could get a PT evening job at Spokesman Review. And then I could work at Liberty Lake Coworking. Maybe Liberty Lake is my move. Squat in Otis orchards, work and play in Liberty Lake. Liberty Lake is one step closer to where I want to be– Idaho.

This is a whole rabbit hole that I could descend into. It’s an alternative living style which I haven’t even considered up until now. Until now, I’ve thought that I’d need a van to make this kind of lifestyle viable. I think that’s not the case anymore. I think this might be a way to have extreme independence at the same time as having extreme frugality.

I think I’m going to end writing for today. I’m only at 1300 words but I don’t even care. I’m feeling tired after eating dinner. I’m feeling like playing a few games of Squad then going to bed. Perhaps tomorrow I can get back on my regular routine. Today I’m not feelin’ it.

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