Thu Mar 12 2020

Greetings and salutations. Last night, I started to play Squad but then I got peer pressured into being commander and I got overwhelmed and stressed out and I couldn’t handle the pressure or the need to give orders. I hit Alt+F4 and turned off my PC and went to bed.

I was bummed out but a big part of it has to do with not doing enough self-care during the day. Another part has to do with communications.

Why am I writing like this? I’m beating around the bush.

Ok so let me restart. I was excited to jump into Squad last night. I ate a tiny meal, just some rice and spicy brown mustard. I limited myself to eating only the size of about a closed fist. I felt great afterwards. For once I wasn’t bloated and inflamed, and I was full of energy and excited. I was Squad leader for the first round on Narva, my favorite map.

I did my best but we lost that round.

Next round was Talil Outskirts. I was Squad leader again. T. urged me to apply for commander, and he said he would nominate me. I reluctantly applied for commander, and won the position. I didn’t really want commander. There was another Squad leader who really did want commander, and he was upset about it.

I was petrified. I couldn’t give orders to an entire platoon, that’s not something I’ve ever done or something I was well equipped for. I don’t know the tactics necessary to give orders. I don’t understand RAAS game mode well enough to anticipate the flag positions.

Our team was doing extremely well, but it had nothing to do with me being commander. The other Squads were working together and I was just being silent. I was not doing my job of commanding, and we just happened to be in the lead because the other team was nowhere to be found.

I had no idea what was going on. I had contributed nothing. I took a heli with my team to Batha and we set down and Squad 2 put up a HAB. T. was Squad 2 Leader and he was the only one giving orders. I was taking orders from him. He was the one who ordered me to be commander. He told me to erect a TOW missile launcher somewhere at Batha, but I needed supplies to do so. I was too shy to ask one of the helo pilots for a resupply so I could do that. Instead I just sat silently at the place where I wanted to build a TOW. I just sat there. I was frozen and I couldn’t make a decision to do something else, or ask for supplies, or give commands or talk at all. I was just frozen.

M. said I should get up a second HAB, and suggested where it should be. Again, here I was taking orders, and not considering my own needs or my position as commander.

I set a mark on the map and told my Squad that I wanted a HAB at that position. I ran to that position on the East side of Batha and I realized that placing down a radio would require the coordination of a helicopter. I would need them to hover above me so I could place a radio. In addition, I would need to have them drop supplies at the other FOB so I could build a TOW there. This would require so much coordination and communication with a stranger for something that wasn’t even of my own will that I just said nope, and I closed the game and turned off my computer.

I booted into Ubuntu and took care of mailing some trading cards that I had sold. Once I calmed down a bit, I checked my phone. M. had wondered if my internet went down. I said no, that I had disconnected on purpose because I couldn’t handle the pressure of being commander.

I can’t command. I can barely lead a Squad. There’s no way I can lead a whole team. Commander is a communications role, and communications has got to be the most difficult role in the whole world for me.

The phone is ringing and I can’t bring myself to answer it. It’s fucking FBH and they call me three times a week with reminders about appointments. I wish they wouldn’t give me reminder calls– I’m not going to forget my appointments.

Yesterday I didn’t get anything listed on eBay, and I was thinking about doing that instead of re-joining M. in Squad.

I think Squad needs to be a once or twice a week thing for me. Any more than that and the game becomes incredibly frustrating. There’s always something, either my poor internet quality or I’m acting careless and I’m spending more time dead than alive, or I’m playing by myself and I’m lonely, or I’m playing with M. and his style of Squad Leading is boring me, or I’m tired and bloated and I feel like shit and the game isn’t fun no matter what. There are too many times when the game becomes time poorly spent.

So it should be a thing I do less. Or at least more thought out. If I just eat a big meal, then hop on Squad at the end of a mediocre day, I’m probably going to have a bad time.

I have to have a good day before I hop on Squad. Yesterday was a bad day because I went to Shame Resilience group and left that group with a huge sense of shame. I felt terrible after that group, and I immediately went home and tried to ignore the pain by jumping on the computer and coding. I made some good progress on precious-data, my CLI project for scraping card data and images from

I added a few functions which derive the card set abbreviation, release, and card number from the card’s image URL.

For example, the card image URL could be From that image URL, I know that the set abbreviation is HMK, the release is 01, and the card number is 001.

Here’s the test I wrote for the class method, ripper#parseCardId.

  describe('parseCardId', function () {
    it('should return an object with setAbbr, release, number, and num', function () {
      let p = ripper.parseCardId('HMK_01-001');
      assert.equal(p.setAbbr, 'HMK');
      assert.equal(p.release, '01');
      assert.equal(p.number, '01-001');
      assert.equal(p.num, '001');
      assert.equal(, 'HMK_01-001');

    it('should accept an image URL as param', function () {
      let p = ripper.parseCardId('');
      assert.equal(p.setAbbr, 'HMK');
      assert.equal(p.release, '01');
      assert.equal(p.number, '01-001');
      assert.equal(p.num, '001');
      assert.equal(, 'HMK_01-001');

    it('should reject when the card ID is not valid', function () {
      assert.throws(ripper.parseCardId.bind(ripper, 'tacobell'), /not valid/);

And here’s the code!

     * parseCardId
     * parses the card ID and returns an object containing
     *   * setAbbr
     *   * release
     *   * number
     *   * num
     *   * id
     * @param {String} cardId
     * @returns {Promise} - A promise that returns an object if resolved
     *                          or an error if rejected
     * @resolve {Object}
     * @rejects {Error}
    parseCardId (cardId) {
      let parseError = new Error(`cardId is not valid. CardId must be in the format <setAbbr>_<release>-<num>. Got: ${cardId}`);
      let r = cardIdRegex.exec(cardId);
      if (!r) throw parseError;
      let id = r[0];
      let setAbbr = r[1];
      let number = r[2];
      let release = r[3];
      let num = r[4];
      if (
        typeof number === 'undefined' ||
        typeof setAbbr === 'undefined' ||
        typeof number === 'undefined' ||
        typeof release === 'undefined' ||
        typeof id === 'undefined'
      throw parseError
      return {

WordPress doesn’t highlight the syntax of my code. I think it should! I tried two plugins for highlighting code, and they both suck ass. I’m very frustrated and I’m forgetting it for now.

I’m bummed about money again. I got my $200 bill for car insurance and I think it might be time to stop driving. I could sell my Suburban, get a really good bicycle, and use that to get around. Bike + bus. It’s getting warm enough for such a thing, and it’ll do wonders for my health.

Bike + bus… hmm… No more auto insurance bills. No more gas bills. No more worry about vehicle maintenance! This seems like a win-win!

The big thing that I’m going to struggle with is shipping sewing machines… How am I going to transport a sewing machine via bicycle? I suppose I could get a really chunky bicycle with a cargo rack on back. Even then, the weight of a sewing machine is going to be really gnarly on the back of a bike!

Now the eBay stuff… I don’t have money for many more acquisitions before I go completely broke. I could sell the Suburban and I’d have some capital for more acquisitions.

The thing is… What else can I buy with the intention of flipping? I don’t know how well the cards are going to do, so I don’t want to buy more. I flipped the tactical backpack well enough, but I don’t know if that’s just because my brother was interested from the get-go. Would it have sold soon if I had kept it on eBay?

I’m very unsure about my future. Something has got to give, though. The credit card bills are piling up and I’m thinking eBay is slowing down.

I’m happy to get card sales every few days. This week I sold 2 Weiss Schwarz cards for $5 a piece. I think I need to come up with a better mailing plan. If I am to rid myself of my Suburban, I need a plan to mail out items every day. Yesterday I sold 2 cards but I didn’t take them to the mailbox for pickup this morning. I used it being dark as an excuse and that’s becoming a bad habit.

I’m starting to realize that I am not trust able to maintain things. I can maintain my computer, that’s about it. As far as vehicles go, I am not trustable. I read a good article, Tips for the Depressed, in which keeping things clean while being depressed is suggestedly as simple as paying somebody else to do it.

I’m not so depressed at the moment as I’m able to have myself do things, but I think I fall into the category of not being able to clean things myself. Or maybe I am depressed still, and I’m just so used to it… I don’t fucking know. I don’t feel depressed, but I also don’t feel capable of cleaning shit or maintaining vehicles.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that I need to find a good bike shop who can maintain my bike for me. Every few months I want to be able to drop it off, and walk to the library or some shit and wait for them to tune it up. I have never been able to do this myself for cars or bikes, so the only way it’ll happen is if I pay someone to do it for me.

Even now, my Suburban is overdue for an oil change. I’m not going to take it in because that would be $50 down the drain. I’m so broke but I still drive. I think I need to cut the fat that is my Suburban, and move onto the next chapter of my life which is attaining a new level of fitness via a healthy biking lifestyle.

I’m concerned about groceries. I like to buy a lot of canned food and there’s no way I can pack all that shit via bicycle. I suppose I could do grocery delivery. I wonder if I can do that and still pay with EBT? Perhaps the delivery charges are not covered, but I bet it would work.

Something’s got to give. I haven’t made enough money in the past few months to validate my way of living. My way of living is invalid at present. My way of living creates a lot of debt. My way of living puts wear on my Suburban and has no plan to counteract that wear.

I guess I’m depressed. I keep coming up with ideas to drive into town and look at bicycles, or go drop off the mail, and I shoot myself down every time. All I wanna do is list cards on eBay. I need to cancel my auto insurance…

I need to sell my Suburban, but that in itself is a huge task. Fuck talking to a stranger and selling it to them. I want to pull it up to a lot, drop it off, and get $500.

Did I mention that I need more hugs? I need more hugs. >= 1 hug per week.

57. I am a success; I can make this day great.
58. Note to self: You are amazing.
68. I will take the time to notice and be thankful for the little things.

Ok so I just got back from a 20 lap walk around the firepit and I’ve got a plan. I’m going to take pictures and list my Suburban on Craigslist today. I’m going to sell it for $800 or more, and with that money I’ll buy a bicycle and put some more capital into my online business.

Next, I’ll cancel my auto insurance and with the money saved, I’ll have money to tune up whatever bike I buy. I found out that the local bike shop, BikeHub (on Sprague near Pines) does tune-ups for $80. I won’t have to buy gas, oil changes, auto insurance or maintenance, which lowers my business overhead significantly. I’ll scale up my business from there, and I’ll have extra money each month to do things like Tae Kwon Do!

Ok then, as I wait for my food to cool, I will go take pictures.


I’m grateful for my Suburban. It has got me places and been a good vehicle. It is time to let it go and open up the next chapter of my life.

I’m grateful for my friends D. and P. they are so socially awkward just like me but they have a lot to offer and they are supportive of my love for Otaku shit.

I’m grateful for Saturday board game group. It’s a lot of fun and a good social exercise. I hope to improve my social skills by baby steps every week as I continue to attend.

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post