Thu May 14 2020

chocolate, dark, coffee

I seem to have relapsed… Kinda sorta.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was literally worried sick about the negative feedback I received on eBay.

Literally sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even work through it because I had worked through it like 5 times prior. At that point, there were layers and layers of problems in my mind, one per each message which had been sent ore received between the buyer and I.

I couldn’t check the facts and find relief because the most recent message was dependent on the one before that. I had constructed a maze of grief and I could only address the outer layer on my own.

I felt stuck in shame. Stuck in guilt. I couldn’t simply deal with it because the issue was pending. I was waiting for the buyer’s response and there was nothing I could do about it in the meantime. How would they respond? Would they be more angry at my unwillingness to give them such a large refund? Would they be upset that I stated that I didn’t believe I was at fault?

If only I had send a more friendly message. If only I hadn’t played the blame game. The message I sent was not an excellent customer service response. The message I sent was me trying to cover my ass.

This is eBay, and the customer is always right. I ignored this and I tried to play the moral high ground. I felt so guilty for not approaching the problem as if the customer had simply made a mistake.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep a wink. Instead, I stayed up all night and binged watched Better Call Saul, distracting myself from what was bothering me.

It’s not like I was hiding though. I was ready to resolve the issue. I was ready to respond once again, ready to offer any necessary apology. Ready to make the customer happy at all cost, to ensure that my seller reputation stay positive.

I checked my inbox every few hours, desperate to process a response. The response arrived at 6:30AM, which was short and thanked me for my honesty. The buyer said they would accept the partial refund I offered, and remove the negative feedback.

I sent the refund and the feedback revision request, then I shipped my daily items out at 8:30Am and went to sleep. It’s 5:35PM now. This is why I say I relapsed.

My emotions got out of hand, and it cost me a night of sleep. Now my schedule is out of whack again.

It’s the first time in my adult life when my sleep schedule has been consistent and according to my design. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m happy with my job. This morning was not so good. I just hope it doesn’t send me spiraling into a bad place.

Better Call Saul is an excellently produced show. I really dig it. I can’t help but think that the soy milk industry is sponsoring the show somehow. Everybody other person asks for soy milk in their coffee, or puts soy milk on their shopping list. I wonder if that is how new-age product placement works in the Netflix age. Instead of suggesting a brand, the idea is simply used by the actors.

I think there’s definitely something up with Better Call Saul and soymilk. I don’t think the writers just used some generic idea such as soymilk to make scenes more believable. I think it is definitely intentional. I could look it up. The internet contains some great sleuths!

In an effort to hold a sleep schedule, I’m resisting the urge to go outside and walk. Apparently there is an Amazon package for me in the mailbox, which contains trail mix. I could use that trail mix right about now.

The crazy thing is how Amazon has completely failed to scale during COVID-19 times. I believe I ordered that trailmix three weeks ago. I still have two more food items which are slated to arrive next Tuesday.

It’s incredible how poorly Amazon has done at keeping up. I regret buying AMZN stock at the start of this, because I don’t know if they’re going to be #1 for much longer.

eBay seems like the place to order from right now. eBay doesn’t have the bottlenecks that Fulfilled by Amazon (FBA) has. With eBay, the sellers ship directly. With Amazon FBA, the orders are handled at Amazon’s fulfillment centers.

I guess it’s a pretty sticky situation for Amazon. They can’t scale, because of social distancing and sanitation requirements. They’re already in the doghouse when it comes to how they treat their employees, so there’s likely no room to budge there. They can’t match the demand because they can’t scale. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Luckily, the COVID-19 lockdowns are coming to a close, in the form of a 4 stage return to normalcy. Every time I say normal, people around me try to correct me that we’re not going back to normal.

I say fuck that. We are going back to normal. We are going back because that’s a better way to live.

“I think there’s going to be a new normal.”


Fuck that. Why make a new normal out of this? Making a new normal means that you were crippled by the fear of coronavirus. Making a new normal means you were not okay with how things were before COVID-19.

Not me. Things were fine. I’m not going to let a natural illness dictate how I live. I’m not going to buy into the fear.

I was already a germophobe before covy. I already washed my hands religiously. It has always been the first thing I do when I come home. It has always been something I do after I used the bathroom. I have always double washed my hands when going from the bathroom to the kitchen.

I have always washed my hands before and after eating. I have always covered my mouth with my shoulder when I sneeze or cough.

Not that I have an office to go to and infect, I already stayed home when I was ill.

The only thing I could see changing in my own life is my use of masks. I applaud the use of masks and I can see myself using them more, especially if I am ill and have to go get groceries or something like that.

Social distancing is bullshit and that shit’s gotta go away. People are social creatures and closeness is a requirement for life. Quarantine is for people who are sick and infectious. Every other quarantine is madness.

I did not want to do yoga. I’m not feelin’ it. I’m stiff and lonely and might be feeling some depression coming on.

I feel guilty for staying up all night and watching Better Call Saul. I feel guilty that I didn’t try to reach out and talk to a friend.

If I had talked to a friend about what was going on with the eBay negative feedback, I’m sure I would have got past the issue and been able to sleep. I wouldn’t be dealing with this interruption to my sleep schedule and this bad place that I seem to be in.


I just have to do it. I just have to reach out and make a phone call. I had two friends online last night when I was struggling. I could have talked to either of them, but instead I isolated.

Do I think I don’t deserve it? Love and connection? I’ve been pretty great at enforcing positive self talk in the recent months. I think it’s an issue of control that prevents me from trying to be a friend.

I can’t control what happens in the friendship.

I don’t want to talk about it.

CoDA sucks.

Bad place. Negative everything. Ew. Gross.

I think I could use a walk, but I don’t want to go outside and risk social interaction.

I don’t make any sense. I want to avoid social interaction, yet I crave social interaction. What the fuck is that?

I want my trail mix.

I got my trail mix. I walked to the mailbox and focused on my breathing. I focused on the fact that I am not in control of what happens. I may run into the neighbors or their dog might charge me or the other neighbors might honk and wave. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m not in control of the situation. I am in control of my breathing. So I focused on that.

I left my house in the evening. I did something I don’t normally do. I went outside! I feel like Chuck from Better Call Saul.

Funny video! I love how Miku has a hotline. I have had the idea to make a virtual girlfriend phone number that you can call and hear Miku’s voice. I would like to make that, but it’s cost prohibitive. I wish I could be paid to make something like that! I have all the skills necessary.

I’ve done an automated, interactive phone service before using Plivo. I did so for a ludum dare game a few years back. I’ve used Twilio as well.

Oh shit, I should make more mystery puzzle games like I did with LD36. That type of game actually holds my interest, unlike most other types of games that can be made using PixiJS or Love2D or whatever HTML5 game engine is out there. Graphics and animations? Nah. Challenging puzzles, decyphers, and metagaming? Hell yeah!

It’s a shame that I didn’t participate in the spring LudumDare. I suppose there will be more. I think the next one is in the fall? Yeah, October.

Well, I could always participate in one of the hundreds of challenges that happen on a monthly basis at There is a thriving game dev community there, and there’s always a game jam going on.

I suppose I’m just not interested by this sort of thing. it ends up similarly all the time. My heart isn’t in it.

My heart is in very few things. I guess a lot of my passion for computing and video games has faded.

I suppose this is a part of growing up. I suppose this is just one great example of how change is the only universal constant.

My interests have changed. I changed myself, the way I react to the world and my surroundings, and my interests changed as well.

I suppose the one thing I am really passionate about right now is my eBay store. I have poured in so much time and energy into my eBay store. I know what I want in life, and my eBay store offers me exactly that.

I want financial independence. I want to be myself and sell otaku shit. Cute, sexy, suggestive, funny, adorable, ultra kawaii, moe… it’s all good. I want to pack and ship these items every day. I want to weeb out and order box fulls of discounted merchandice from Japan on a weekly basis, receive them, stock them, sort them, feel them, and share them.

I want to grow my business and take an income. I want to grow and thrive and try new ventures and reinvest. I want to rent a table at anime conventions and sell sell sell. I want to be appreciated for selling items which my customer’s cant get anywhere else.

I want to be hated for being an evil investor. Hated by children who don’t understand economics and the reason why items go up in value over time. I want to be so busy shipping product that the haters don’t even matter. They’re just a drop in the bucket because I am strong, I can handle it, and I have an ocean of supporters who want to support me and see my shop continue to supply them with the ooey gooey warm and fuzzy otaku goodies.

I wanna go to more otaku conventions than ever before, and party like it’s my birthday. I love dancing, otagei, and the energy of the crowd. I want to improve my ability to be myself among others, and lessen the fear of opening up and talking to strangers who enjoy similar things.

28. I choose to see the good in the people I interact with today.
29. It is always too early to give up on my goals.
30. I can reach out for help if I need it.

I’m grateful for days off. I think they’re important to have every now and then.

I’m grateful for Chinese singing synthesizers. Luo Tianyi is probably my favorite at the moment. There are some really cute songs and MVs out there.

I’m grateful for food delivery via Amazon. Amazon is one of the few places I have found that accepts EBT. I’m taking advantage of that by ordering food every now and again using their service. I’m especially grateful for when Amazon ships quickly. That’s not happening right now due to covy, which makes the prior speed especially attractive. I am reminded that I have it incredibly good. I have so many forms of wealth in my life and I am very fortunate and grateful for that.


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