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Thu May 21 2020

Last updated on May 23, 2022

I had a fucked up dream. I was on the field of the elementary school I went to. It was all ice and myself and other students were sliding around on the ice. The ice was perfectly flat, smooth, and walking on it would accelerate me fast. There was no way to stop, and I just kept accelerating on the ice until I reached the edge of the field.

I jumped into the chain link fence which stopped me from flying into the neighboring yards. The force from my body left a large imprint in the fence and a gap at the bottom. A person could easily climb under the fence with such a large gap.

A student on another section of fence did just that. Not on purpose, completely unintentionally as they used the fence to slow them down after speedily shooting across the ice.

There were three kids all sliding together, and their combined weight and velocity was enough to push a span of fence and create the gap. The centermost child rolled through the gap, and fell a great distance to a fruit orchard below the raised schoolyard.

Cries for help were heard as a worried crowd of students gathered to see what had happened. It was not looking good for the child as the fall had been a good thirty feet. To add to the chaos, the child was lost in the foilage below.

Nobody was going to help the girl who had fallen. They all expected someone else to do it.

A crew of workers in the orchard below were notified of the accident by students calling down to them. The workers rallied together to search for the girl, mounting on ATVs and pickup trucks, and loudly driving in search of the girl.

I became concerned that the girl may have been knocked unconscious by the impact of the fall. I was afraid that the vehicles might run her over in such a vulnerable state.

I couldn’t go down and help. That was someone else’s property. I couldn’t simply ignore that fact and go help, because I had no way of getting safely down there. There was a large retaining wall at a 90 degree angle where the girl had fallen. I couldn’t climb down that without falling myself.

I could maybe go around, but there are probably fences on all sides of the orchard and I wouldn’t be able to get in.

Someone got in, and that someone found the girl. It was another girl, much older and curiously dressed like Hatsune Miku. She dove down into a pool of water, and fetched the unconscious girl from it’s depths. She rose out of the water and lifted the girl above her head.

Both the savior and the victim were both wearing swimwear. The savior was wearing a white Japanese style school swimwear which looked a lot like the base of Hatsune Miku’s append module (minus the tie cutout). The girl who had fallen was wearing a blue Japanese style school swimwear. The pool of water they were in was all of a sudden crystal clear just like a well maintained swimming pool. Lucky that such a deep pool was just where the girl fell. Onto a hard ground, she might not have survived!

But she wasn’t completely saved just yet. The girl had been underwater for more than four minutes, and had sustained a large gash on her back.

All hope was not lost. There have been AFK stories where young children have sustained long periods of time underwater due to children being essentially superhumans, and the cold water preserved their body.

“It’s okay. She might still survive.” I said to the students around me. Then I just walked away, wanting to give the girl privacy as she is resuscitated by emergency services.

The dream ended there. I seem to see a similar scenario played out in a lot of my dreams. I’m just an observer, and I don’t do anything about the horrors that are occurring right in front of me.

All I really do is I stand there in shock and wait for someone else to deal with it. It’s a repeating theme that I think could very well play out in my own life.

I am often crippled by fear. I often look to others for leadership.

It’s not that I’m incapable of leading. I’m just scared of the eyes looking at the and the judgements that the other people will make.


I had some food because I was feeling sad.

Like most people, I can rarely recount what I ate yesterday. Well, today’s a day that I’ll always remember what I had for breakfast.

  • 1 cup apple juice
  • 3 slices dried apple
  • 1 dried prune
  • 1/4 cup peanut butter

That’s a rough estimate on how much peanut butter I ate. I’ve been buying natural peanut butter for a long time. Out of the jar, it’s all oily. The oil raises to the top, and the ground peanuts at the bottom are all dry. First thing I do is I dump the peanut butter into a food storage container, give it a good mix, and store it in the fridge.

https://amzn.to/36wsvgR

Anyway, I had already done that process yesterday, so this peanut butter was already well mixed and cooled. I dunno why I brought that up. It doesn’t really matter to the story.

I bought a spoon the other day. I did so because I smelled mold on the old spoon that I used on a daily basis. That old spoon was one I bought from the Dollar store some 10 years ago.

That old spoon was super cheap in both cost and fabrication quality. It had a large plastic handle, joined to a crudely cut metal spoon. It was fine for a time, but it became apparent that there could have been all sorts of nasties wedged inbetween the join of the plastic and the metal.

That spoon had seen so much use, that the metal part became loose. A loose spoon with a moldy odor. It was time to throw it out!

I replaced it with a utility spork from eBay.

Much to my surprise, the spork was fulfilled by Amazon! I found the spork on Amazon for a fraction of the cost of what I paid on eBay. Holy shit! That’s market arbitrage, right there!

I don’t have Amazon prime, so I couldn’t have possibly spent $2.99 for the spork. In hindsight, I could have used Purse.io and got it for even less than $2.99. But hey, live and learn!

I kept the little gift receipt that came in the amazon package as a reminder that I could do something similar. A similar drop shipping service would be a nice way to make some cash.

I’m so tired. I’m always so tired lately! I think a big reason for this is that I don’t get as much sleep as I used to. I used to sleep 10 hours a night every few days. Perhaps there is a balance that I can strike as far as sleep goes. Perhaps I could take more naps? Perhaps I could get to bed sooner?

I have to address my sleep apnea at some point. Sooner would be better than later. I still have research to do so I can discover what options are available to me.

4 minutes left in this writing session. I think I’m going to go lay down after that.

I’m worried about money. As it stands, I’m worried about my eBay business. I think my expenses are still too high. I think my spending is still too high. I think I have to quit paying for seedboxes. I think I have to do without having access to whatever show I want to watch.

I’m open to taking a PT job, as long as it is something that I appreciate. I’m going to be picky for as long as humanly possible. I’m not going to degrade myself and live in a way that makes me miserable.

I’m happy as fuck with my job. The only thing I would change is my sales volume. I’m getting like 3 shipments a day right now. Maybe 7 card sales a week. I want 50 card shipments a day!

Can I make that happen? Is there any realism to my goals? Is the economy just in a slump? Do I just need to wait?

I need to list more. The top eBay sellers I know of say the same thing. “List more to sell more.”

I discovered that I can’t start a Facebook shop. Those are brand new, and reserved for people on Facebook who already have a Facebook page which advertises their store.

Maybe in the near future that opportunity will open up. Perhaps I can get started now, and simply make a Facebook page which advertises my eBay store.

I did make some progress yesterday on an Amazon store. I got all signed up using a new account, and now I’m just waiting the estimated 2 days for Amazon to approve the account.

I wanna make some booster sales! I haven’t made a single sale on the sealed product I purchased. I’m really surprised.

I just lowered some prices. I think I’ll keep doing that until I get some sales, at which point I’ll leave the price alone.


Took a nap. Feel really good, not tired. I think I’ve been overworking myself.

There’s some sort of construction going on outside. My dad has been running his tractor and there was a dump truck and now there’s some sort of equipment going back and forth on the driveway.

I haven’t seen a thing due to how blacked out my windows are, but it seems to be some sort of medium sized project based on how much noise is being made and the number of vehicles which have been driving by.

I really have no idea what the project is. I guess I’ll find out in the morning when I go outside. I suppose I could go get a couple packages that were delivered today, but that would mean exposing myself to vulnerability

comic, face, fear
Photo by OpenClipart-Vectors on Pixabay

I got stumped on my cassette project, so I went to the Snap SVG google group.

This codepen illustrates the issue I’m having. Somehow the rotation gets fucked up and the spinner moves away from it’s position rather than simply rotating in place.

I was surprised to receive a reply to the message this morning! It’s so common that I jump on forums only to be ignored. It’s pleasing to see that that was not the case this time.

Alain provided me with a code sample with a working animation just as I desired! Unfortunately it doesn’t use Snap.svg as I was hoping to use, but in some ways that’s actually a more preferable outcome as it’s one less dependency to load.

It feels a little bad knowing that I wasn’t able to solve the issue myself. I had this conversation with myself last night when I posted the question. I seem to be doing everything right, but the software is not giving me the expected result. It makes sense to ask for help when I need it. I would do the same thing if I were part of a team. It is good to move forward. It is not a shameful thing to stand on the shoulders of giants!

I’m cooking some curry with all the vegetables I got from teh grocery store yesterday. Note to future self– quit using the cashew creamer for cooking! It’s got too much flavoring in it– it tastes bad in my recipes. I have some low fat coconut milk that I got from amazon. It was part of the order that took a good 4 weeks to arrive. I’ll use that instead, plus a little vegetable oil.

I added paprika and a little extra hot spices. Chili-P and Garam Masala. It smells pretty good. Maybe it will turn out okay!

49. I choose to be proud of myself.
50. I will do my absolute best in all things!
51. I will speak kindly to others and myself.

I’m grateful for fresh produce. I am grateful for the produce section at grocery stores, and the wide selection of products to choose from.

I’m grateful for dried fruit. It’s nutritious and doesn’t weigh much!

I’m grateful for garlic. Garlic can enhance a meal and make my mouth water!

I’m grateful for Zabbix. I’m using it successfully to monitor my eBay card listings and ensure that I keep them in stock.

I’m grateful for Dr. Rhonda Patrick who appeared on JRE #1474. I appreciate this new found knowledge on saunas and their health benefits.

I appreciate paprika. I appreciate onion salt.

Did you ever experience abuse or neglect while you were growing up? Did that affect your self-image? Describe.

CoDA 30q #9

Yeah. My dad would be violent and coercive towards my siblings and I. I felt traumatized and I became strictly obedient and subservient to my father well into adulthood because of my fear of him.

My self image was affected in that I did not feel like a man myself. My dad was the man, and I was just a boy who served him.

My self image was affected in that I had to hide my true self. I had to hide so I could live how I wanted to live, but not upset my father. It was all this hiding that led me to be ashamed of who I was. My family community did not accept me as I was, so I had to present an artificial version of myself to stay a part of that community.


But now that’s all changing and I am grateful for the work I’m putting into myself. I’m grateful for the regular courage I’ve had to confront my father and cease working for him. I’m grateful for the courage I’ve had to go to social events (pre-covid) and take little baby steps towards my goals.

Excelsior!

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