Thu May 28 2020

Polkadot launched today.

I watched this entire video and I still don’t know what I can do with it or why I should care. It’s a well produced video and evokes feelings of awe and inspiration, but I’m not seeing any meat and potatos content which actually tells me what Polkadot is.

Just another blockchain. Just another way of doing smart contracts without a difficult setup process. That seems to be what it is.


These things won’t take off unless they have a killer app.

I think a killer app would be a marketplace such as OpenBazaar, that takes advantage of smart contracts for seller reputation, delivery confirmation, issue resolution, and feedback.

And it has to run natively in a web browser.

That’s something that OpenBazaar got wrong. We’re living in 2020 and we have a certain expectation for ease of use. I can go on Amazon or eBay and I don’t have to download anything. I just open Firefox and go. OpenBazaar doesn’t work like that, even though it could.

Fuck OpenBazaar.

Fuck their empty promises, terrible UI, terrible network performance, terrible search results quality…

Fuck their bloated download, resource intensive processes, error messages, unresponsiveness, “server and client” confusion…

I was so hopeful for OpenBazaar. That shit just never seemed to get better. It got bigger, but it never got better. It never delivered on the dream marketplace that it promised to be.

It’s probably too soon. Every blockchain is probably too soon. This is like the early days of the internet where websites were difficult to find. That was until Google came around with a “search engine” which changed the game.

We don’t have that killer app in blockchain technology. I think an app which dethrones Amazon as a quality marketplace would be the app to do it.

I want it. I want freedom from the exorbitant eBay fees. I want to reach a large audience and sell my products worldwide.

I could build a Polkadot blockchain for physical merchandise sales!

I say that jokingly. I’m not the one to build this killer app. I don’t have the monetary resources to do such a thing. I don’t have the passion for such a thing.

I walked about half the distance that I normally walk. Feeling too tired, too low of blood sugar.

The strange thing is that my morning walks haven’t been waking me up. They have the opposite effect– they wear me down and cause me to need a nap.

I had some food and decided to stay inside for now. Maybe I’m worn out from all the yoga and walking. Maybe I need a day to rest.

Honestly I was feeling pretty horny. I figure this can be my cheat day. Not that I’m on team #NoFap or anything, but I have noticed that fapping can end up with me feeling incredibly angry.

I think I have a vitamin B deficiency. I’m so tired a lot of the time. I’m out of my B12 multivitamins. I can’t restock them because food stamps don’t cover that.

I’m such a broken record.

I’ve had some really good days where energy was high, and all I did differently on those days was that I strictly followed my pomodoro timer and took yoga breaks every 25 minutes.

I’m going to do that today, to the best of my ability. I already fapped to Melware getting fucked by Melody’s JackRabbit.

I don’t feel angry or tired. I feel relieved. Like now I can stop thinking about cute vulvas and pink clitorises.

I had this dream last night the girls from Madoka Magica were all sleeping together naked.

Some mischievous boys with the ability to scale their body size shrunk down and invaded the girl’s genitals like they were some sort of micro organism.

They wiggled around inside Madoka’s vagina or rubbed her clitoris until she came uncontrollably, squirting sparkly white cum and writhing in pleasure.

I kept thinking about that while I walked. I came inside and couldn’t shake the idea of such a flawless pussy and touching it just right until it climaxed.

I go back and forth between wanting to eat out a 3d girl, and abandoning the idea completely. It’s a strange time I’m living in. There’s so much perfection to jack off to. Do I really want to seek the imperfection that is a 3d girl, and go through all the trouble to get her to remove her pants for me?

I’m sure it would be nice. I’m sure there’s all sorts of benefits from that sort of relationship that I’m not even aware of. I’m sure there’s all sorts of downsides as well.

This is somewhat of an oddity, me talking about sex. I really have to force myself into writing about it, because I’m so habitually prudent. My dad once said that he thought I wasn’t interested in girls. The truth is that I simply hide my interest out of shame.

That dream with the Madoka Magica girls was filled with shame. I wasn’t in the room with them. I wasn’t participating with the group masturbation. I was simply an observer watching hentai of those acts on a TV.

To add to the complexity of the dream, my parents were in the room. We were in a hotel on a vacation, and I was trying to share with them my joy of anime. Unexpectedly, the anime ended up being a hentai with the bizarre human-inside-vagina sex scenes.

In the dream, my parents became offended at the sexual acts on the TV. My dad struck my mom at one point, and I stepped in and yelled at my dad.

Can’t I just have a steamy sex dream every now and then without my parents having to be involved?

No. I don’t think so. Not until living with my parents is a thing of the past.

What a price to pay for good dreams. I gotta move out and start a new life before that can happen!

I’m so comfortable here though. I have a toilet and a shower in my apartment. I can wash my clothes in my parent’s basement. I don’t have to drive because I can walk to the one place I really need to go– the grocery store.

But this is COVID-19 times. The need to drive only disappeared because shit shut down. Dragon’s Parlor Games– closed to group gameplay. Therapy office– closed for in-person meetings.

I still don’t need a car though. A bicycle would satisfy all my transportation concerns.

I’m managing my depression alright. I feel so much more positive and hopeful on a regular basis than I did 6 months ago.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Shit’s not working out like I planned. My eBay sales are so low right now.

I think all that tells me is that I’m not the only one in a financial crisis. The greater population is not spending money right now. There’s not much I can do about that.

I can lower my prices, which I’ve been doing. Card singles are priced at $4.99. 4 card lots (playsets) are at $5.99. Rare cards $9.99. 8 card waifu lots $12.99. Booster packs $19.99.

There are so many exceptions and variations to those rules, but that’s just an approximate guideline as I go forward.

My left shoulder really hurts when I do child’s pose. It starts to spasm sometimes. I think that has to do a lot with how I lean on my left arm for a big part of the day. I think there might be something to do with a shoulder injury I suffered somewhere around 2006.

I feel guilt about how I left a friend when I lived in Eugene. A. was my best friend at the time. We moved to Eugene together with grand plans to make names for ourselves. We ended up being pretty lazy and not accomplishing much.

Regardless, he was a friend I could count on. One time he gave me a ride to the UPS store because I was having bike problems. He didn’t make excuses or complain, or try to get out of it. He simply saw the situation I was in and gave me a lift.

Once I dropped off my package being shipped for an eBay sale, I got back in his mom’s van. He backed out of the parking lot… and into a parked car.

It was his fault that he hit the car, but he wouldn’t have got in that collision at that time if it weren’t for me.

I feel guilty about that situation too.

The first thing I mentioned about having guilt, was when I quit living in his mom’s garage and started renting a room next door. I was doing what was best for me at the time, but we stopped communicating as much and I feel like I abandoned him.

We worked at Putters for awhile. He had a shitty attitude at work and got fired. The other friend R. who lived with us also worked there and got fired for poor behavior. I continued on for as long as I lived in Eugene.

When I left Eugene, I don’t even know if I told A. or R. We had all stopped talking for the most part.

I suppose these things happen, but I still feel guilty about it. A. spent a lot of time with me and we had some great conversations. I feel like there were times when I didn’t reciprocate the kindness he showed toward me.

The thing that reminded me about that whole thing was because I injured my left shoulder while I was talking to him.

The place I was living was a condominium. His mom, her boyfriend, A. and his sister lived in one section of the condo. In the other section lived V., D., and I. I would sometimes go out back and knock on A.’s window. We would talk through his window and I’d sometimes get excited and animated.

There was a raised wood patio which I could stand on and hold a conversation, but to get right against the window, I’d have to step off that patio.

One time I leaned off the patio, and let myself fall a bit. I caught myself with my outstretched left arm, elbow locked. All the momentum of my bodyweight went into my shoulder as my hand contacted the siding of the condo. My elbow tweaked and jolted and it felt like a micro fracture.

To this day, there’s a sensitive spot that I can hit if I hold my arm just like it was when I poorly caught my fall. Child’s pose in yoga has a similar way of activating that pain.

Child’s pose hurts so good though! It really releases a lot of tension that gets built up from maintaining poor posture at the computer.

I wonder how much of a creep I’m going to be as I age? Is it creepy to not seek sex, and instead be into young anime babes? Depends on who you ask, I guess.

There’s been countless old men who are into young girls, and form relationships with them. So many high profile men are rich enough keep such a girl content.

Some people think it’s creepy. Others say, “congratulations!” and admire the old wrinkly man’s ability to catch a hottie.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with their relationship. Any perceived wrongs are just someone’s ideals being thrown around.

No matter what kind of sexual creature I want to be, no matter what kind of sexual creature I am, someone is going to find fault in it. Someone is going to complain.

And that’s their prerogative. I can’t satisfy them. I don’t exist to satisfy them. I exist to satisfy myself. I exist to do what the fuck I want, fuck what the fuck I fucking want to fuck.

I dunno where I’m going with this.

Yay hedonism?

Yay balance.

Hedonism is an extreme. Monogamy is another extreme.

The former is an extreme on the continuum of pleasure. The latter is an extreme on the continuum of faith.

Hedonism means, “pleasure is the only inherent good.” Therefore, someone who practices hedonism seeks to maximize their pleasure and minimize their suffering.

Monogamy means, “I have faith that this person is worth my devotion.” Therefore, someone who practices monogamy seeks to be loyal to their partner.

I realize I’m not comparing apples to apples. There could be hedonists who are monogamists, for example. I should be comparing relationships to relationships, not lifestyles to relationships.

67. I am ready to write a new chapter for my life.
68. I will take time to notice and be thankful for the little things.
69. I can write down my thoughts and take control of my emotions.


I can stay focused on what is important in this relationship by:

Huh? These questions are so odd to me. What is important in a relationship with a difficult person? Is that really what I’m being asked?

I don’t know. Difficult people aren’t worth my time and I just ghost them.


Yeah IDK how to answer that.

Let’s take an example of a customer. A customer is complaining about a product they bought from me. Let’s say they opened a pack and weren’t satisfied with the cards inside. That’s their problem. That’s the luck of the draw. That’s just how things go sometimes.

But here they are complaining to me. Here they are saying I’m a scammer when all I did was practice honesty and I provided them with a product they couldn’t get anywhere else. The thing they were complaining about is not my fault. They are complaining about something that was completely out of my control.

I can stay focused on what is important in this relationship by

  • Taking a moment to stay calm.
  • Dismissing myself for a moment if necessary.
  • Breathing.
  • Reciting affirmations such as, “I matter. I am important. I am honest. I am good.”
  • Realizing that this person does not know me. They do not understand the effort I put into my work. They do not know the shame they are causing me.
  • Realizing that the person might be having a bad day, a bad week, a bad time.
  • Realizing that the person might not have the coping skills that I have.
  • Approach from a place of empathy.
  • Work together to arrive at a mutual solution.

I’m grateful for Taco Bell vegan crunchy tacos (fresco style, substitute beef for black beans). I’m grateful for Taco Bell vegan crunchraps (fresco style, substitute beef for black beans). I’m grateful for Taco Bell fresco bean burritos.


I’m grateful for dehydrated garbanzo beans which can be rehydrated and cooked in a few hours and comprise excellent home made meals.

I’m grateful for scrap paper which makes excellent card organizing dividers and notepads.

I’m grateful for https which keeps my data secure and out of the hands of haxorz.


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