Thu Nov 19 2020

Notes from group therapy today





Mindfulness exercises

midday, morning, afternoon. alerts on phone

2 minute exercise

no ignoring rule

balloon breathing 1m

mindfulness 1m

likert scale

“test how self-compassionate you are”



  • research self-compassion
  • Ericson stages
  • Chapter 7
  • Chapter 8
  • Review Question 6 in chapter 1 & compare to today
    • choose a more challenging life domain if needed

compassion leads to less self-centeredness and willingness to forgive

If I make a mistake, today is a good day because it means I learned something

Don’t rehearse trauma

Inhibitors & promoters of growth



What ways can I promote my own growth?

Dirty pores painting


I like taco bell.

Yeah today has been kinda fucked because I didn’t have any sales and I didn’t have any reason to stay awake, so I went back to sleep and woke up at 12:30. I was hungry and I wanted to cook the gluten free pizza crust that I had mixed last night, but there wasn’t enough time to cook and eat.

Let me restart. Today is not fucked at all. I had a rough start but this day is completely good and well. It’s going to be a great day.

I did make a mistake last night. I played Stormworks last night with friends until midnight. Then I couldn’t sleep until 1AM because Stormworks triggered a creative flow in me, (as Stormworks does)

Yeah I’m playing Stormworks again. I think I understand my addiction triggers enough to where I can do it safely. That’s my thought at the moment. I set a hard limit of 12PM and I disconnected successfully, but now I know that it needs to be 11PM or maybe 10:30 because of how engaged my brain gets because of it.

Also the creation aspect of the game… I’m avoiding that. I don’t think I’m going to have problems with that either, because I know the payoffs for spending hours and hours in the game creating things… The payoff is nothing. I’m not going to do that when I could be grinding away in e-commerce which actually has a chance of a tangible payoff.

It’s 4:09PM. I’m going to go walk for a bit before the sun sets.

Nevermind. I heard what sounds like my dad operating his tractor outside and I changed my mind. The sun set already anyway. Actual sunset at 4:13pm. civil sunset at 4:47 pm. 5:24 Pm. Astronomical 6:01PM.

There’s still a bit of light though. I think I’m going to wait a little bit in order for my food to digest, then I’ll run in place like I do when I want to exercise without going outside.

Today is going to be a bit different. I consider today a self-care day. I’m taking lots of time to take care of myself. Feeding myself, getting extra rest, going to therapy… I’m also going to go to the CoDA thing this evening at 6:30.

“Ketchup has precum”



actually it was a viewer who sent that in, and Ironmouse just quoted it, followed by making disgusted gag noises. Goddamn I can’t describe it and expect it to come across the same way as original.

It’s 8:43 PM now. I’m still full from the GF vegan pizza crust I ate at around 3PM. crazy! I so sparingly eat bread-like or doughey food, and I think my body is getting put through it’s paces to digest it.

Maybe that is like Lumbus bread from Lord of the Rings? Maybe just regular bread is like Lumbus bread, but people are so used to shoving so much food down their throats 3 times a day, regardless of whether they’re hungry or not. I can relate to that, but today I fasted all morning until 3PM and then I ate the pizza dough with some spiced tomato sauce and I’m just hyper aware of what my digestive system is doing.

I went to the 7:30 CoDA speaker meeting. It was a Kirkland, WA meeting and an anon spoke about her story in CoDA. I was actually getting pissed off because she seemed so robotic. The thing that really triggered me was how Her little dog ran into frame, jumped up on her lap, and stared up. The speaker completely ignored her dog, and kept reading in her robotic tone. I started making all these judgements about her.

  • I bet she practiced reading this shit in front of a mirror.
  • Is she wearing that turtleneck sweater to appear greater than?
  • She’s talking as if she’s PERFECT now, and it’s pissing me off.
  • She ignored her dog. Instead of being in the moment with her dog, she’s playing to the crowd. I can’t believe she completely ignored her cute dog who was wearing a snugly holiday sweater. Not even a look, a change of facial expression, a break in speech… She’s a bullshit artist!

Speaker meeting suck. SHIT FUCK.

Drink some water, girl! It’s like she’s pretending that her throat isn’t dry. Drinking is a sign of weakness.

It’s my first time attending a speaker meeting. Fuck that. I think I will stick to regular meetings, unless I know the speaker or something.

I couldn’t relate. I felt like she was saying CoDA solved all her problems and that she’s retired and better now. I was seeing straight through her fakeness. Her makeup and turtleneck sweater weren’t fooling me. She’s imperfect and nervous and she’s just putting up a strong front.

She took a sip of coffee from a paper cup with a dangling tag. Then I realized…

Ohh.. Did you drive to a store to buy that? You’re drinking coffee, not water. No coffee at home? You might be drinking that for the same reason that I would drink coffee. I would drink caffeine to help me get through a social situation. I’d drink coffeee to have energy, and achieve mental clarity to where I can be myself.

Once the speech ended and she went into Q&A, I saw an actual person. It wasn’t a scripted read-through of a perfect script, it was a person with emotion and imperfections and at that point I felt much more comfortable with her in the spotlight. Finally, she was relatable!

So I have learned from this speaker, that being a good speaker requires

  • Using bulletpoints, not scripts.
  • being genuine
  • drinking water

The best part was the Q&A when she was a person. Maybe this is why I have a hard time forming relationships… I’m the robot 9 times out of 10!

I think I was getting pissed because I was seeing this part of myself that I don’t like. I’m definitely sure that that’s what it was.

ok well i’m wrapping this up for today. here’s today’s affirmations and gratitude

Affy & Gratty

8. If I get pissed off today, It’s not wrong; I just have something to learn about myself.

I’m grateful for CoDA and the fact that I was able to get into the meeting. I thought I had lost the invitation in my inbox, but at the last minute, I found it and I joined the Zoom call. I didn’t enjoy my time during speaker’s speech, but I did learn from it and I don’t regret going to the meeting at all. I’m simply reminded about the thing that my sponsor has told me, which is the rule of 3’s.

Or is it 33? as in 33%? IDK… Anyway, 33% are helpful, 33% are unhelpful, 33% is meh…

Fuck, I’m remembering that wrong. I can’t remember the saying…. I’ll have to ask her again when I talk to her on Monday.

Anyway, I’m grateful for… Fuck.. Idk… I’m grateful to have slept in today! I’m kinda behind on my daily progress chart, but I really needed the sleep and I want to make sure to go to bed at no later than 11PM so I can feel good and rested and be productive tomorrow.

I’m grateful that the weather is holding up, being kinda cold but dry, so I don’t think I’ll have any problems getting to the grocery store tomorrow. I gotta restock my rainsins and peanut butter so I can enjoy my go-to meal of oatmeal!

Ok bye

exelsior and all that shit

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