Thu Nov 5 2020

Sales are going pretty good this week. I imagine that this is due to my hard work lately. Yesterday I listed 20+ cards.

Yesterday was pretty intense. As far as mental load goes, yesterday was very mentally draining.

I think I just haven’t been taking very good care of myself. I’ve been working a lot, to the point where I get mental fog and the only way to unfog is to step away from the computer and lay down for awhile.

My hands are really feeling overused. My eyes feel overused. My brain is just not doing it’s best because of the amount of work I’ve been doing.

I am going to have an exercise cheat day today. I walked 6 laps around the backyard and I was like, “nope, I’m mentally exhausted.” as the brain fog crept in.

So I am going to do my darndest to be gentle to myself today, get some rest and relaxation.

Yesterday I played Endless Space 2 with M. That’s a great game! It’s such an immersive experience. The music and the graphics and the lore really draw me in. We played for 2.5 hours. I did well in excusing myself when I needed to be done. I quit at 11PM and went straight to bed.

M. bought Rise of Nations for me. I remember seeing that game when I was in highschool. I had heard about friends playing that game. I remember I could have bought that game, or Battlefield 1942. I bought Battlefield and that was a great choice! I already had access to Age of Empires II. That’s another great game!

All great games, lol. I’m downloading Rise of Nations via steamcmd right now. The steamcmd installation of Endless Space 2 went flawlessly, by the way. I’ll be using this method much more often now that I know it works. It’s great to not have to boot into windows just to update a game!

I just had a thought. Is there a market for old-style games, distributed via CD or USB?

I’m thinking DRM-free games. The type of games that my dad might play. I already know he super dislikes Steam due to how you have to log in to play a game. Then there’s his first impression of playing Age of Empires II: HD via Steam, and the game’s framerate was absolutely terrible in comparison to the original. I don’t think they every fixed that problem, either. I think they just assume that everyone is running a 1080 Ti and whatever they did to the game to make it “HD” isn’t going to have a noticeable effect on performance.

My dad still plays AoE II from time to time, but he doesn’t play the shitty steam version. He plays the original CD version on a laptop which is still running windows XP.

So the thing I am wondering is… Is there money to be made in making and distributing DRM free games? I think the answer is yes, based on how is still around. It’s not like people suddenly lose interest in video games once game start shipping with DRM. They can either stick to the old games without DRM, or find DRM-free versions of new games. Cracked versions, perhaps?

Nah that’s a different topic entirely. The topic I’m talking about is DRM free games straight from the distributor, with the method of transfer being in-person or the postal service.

Is that a possibility in 2020 and beyond? Shareware, that’s the name! Could there be a shareware revival? First of all, the distributor has to make a game worth sharing. If it’s shitty, nobody will care to pass it along to their friend.

Secondly, it’s gotta run on a large number of devices. I’m only interested in PCs running Windows or Linux. Smartphones have never been my thing and that’s not something I care to target.

So then there’s updates… Or lack thereof. If the software is going to update itself via the internet, what’s the point of having physical distribution in the first place?

This whole idea seems ridiculous once I start thinking about how users are going to simply copy the .exe or .sh or .AppImage or whatever and share copies that way.

So I think this physical media shareware is just stupid at this point.

There’s the whole issue of file integrity as well. If I’m not using the internet to distribute, then the files can be tampered with, and suddenly there’s this modded fork existing in the world that can get propagated.

Not that forks or mods are a bad thing. It’s the malicious content that I’d be worried about. Viruses, spyware, that sort of thing.

It’s a ridiculous idea! I can’t think of a good reason to do it, unless there was no internet and that was the only way to do it.

But I don’t live in that reality. I live in the reality where the internet does exist, and if it stops existing, people will rally together to rebuild a new internet.

IPFS seems like the better way to distribute. With IPFS, the file can be easily pinned (mirrored) by other people and the download speeds for everyone would be massively increased. We would never have to worry about 404s in the future. I and the downloading players can be 100% sure that the files are not tampered with.

In conclusion, I think the retro distribution is a bad idea, although I think there is plenty of exploration to be done in the way of creating a game with retro-style gameplay.

Not that I’m going to make video games… Although I do have this one long-standing idea for a game which I have not yet realized… Hack City… Low-poly retro would fit that game very well!

I’m going to take a nap.

I took a nap, then I did 1/2 hour of ebay listing, then I did meditation and then I did 2 hours of group therapy. From the moment I did meditation, I couldn’t stop crying! I found a good 5 minute guided meditation about self-compassion which really got me in an emotional state. Then we did another 15 minute guided meditation during group therapy and I was crying for that.

I didn’t even turn off my webcam as I was crying, I just allowed myself to be just as I was in that moment.

This is a moment of suffering.

This is really hard right now.

Suffering is a part of life.

It’s not abnormal to feel this way.

May I be kind to myself in this moment.

I’m here for you.

I care about you, Chris.

I allow myself to be just as I am in this moment

Inspired by

I really embraced the message in that meditation and I carried it into my day.

Homework for this week is to amplify my spirituality. Chapter 6 of the handounts.

Here’s the other notes I took from gruop.

Dhammapata book, Bahavagita book & other books by Skylight Illuminations

Incorporate spirituality into my chosen life domain

There are some upcoming FBH groups that I could participate in

  • Yoga calm
  • Game on group
  • Act naturally

Pick something in life domain to work on in the context of forgiveness.

Ghandi has some good topics on forgiveness.

Barriers are not bad. Barriers tell me something. What is it that they are telling me? How can I work through them?

I value spirituality.

Develop spirituality. There is no right or wrong.

Explore spiritual heratige of ancestors.

Epigenetics & Stress. Comorbid disease.

Define forgiveness but be okay with the definition changing over time.

So there was this moment that I shared a very brief and summarized story of how I was oppressively raised to be mormon, and how I became an atheist and now I practice buddhism.

I became fearful and I felt ashamed about sharing. Did I share to one-up everyone else? The whole reason I became comfortable enough to share was because another attendee spoke about being interested in buddhism. I spoke up and shared because of her, but was I actually trying to get a positive response, rather than trying to speak for a therapeutic effect?

But then I thought about it. I thought back to my motivations, and I came to the conclusion that no, I did not do it to one-up anybody. I didn’t want to share at all, but I did so because I feel that these traumatic events from my past hold so much power over me. I feel super uncomfortable talking about them. I was at the point where I was fighting back tears. No, I wasn’t saying all that to one-up anybody. I was saying it as a means to get over the shame of my past. I’m doing it to get over the trauma of a shitty time when I was forced to be a perfect little mormon child.

I keep thinking back to the story of how Voldemort in Harry Potter derives his power from people refusing to say his name. I didn’t even know about that until the hosting clinician in group therapy talked about it. My refusal to reflect on my past traumas is exactly what is keeping me traumatized.

Ok then, that’s enough on that subject for now. I’m not trying to avoid it or anything, I’m just out of things to say about it.

Ok so ProjektMelody is going through some shit. DiviTrevX, the artist who created Melody’s 3d model, is being a huge dick. He got Melody banned from Twitch because he submitted a DMCA takedown notice to Twitch, stating that Melody is using his intellectual property (Melody’s 3d model) without permission.

That’s complete horse shit, because Melody put out a post which explained the situation that is going on.

Here’s an extreme TL;DR, omitting several points, I’m sure.

Melody paid $5,000 to DigiTrevX for her 3d model, a price which included full IP rights and commercial usage.

DigiTrevX refused to bill Melody for making updates, and then he started to say that Melody owed her and that she should pay his company a monthly fee of $40,000 to continue to offer support and upgrades.

Melody said no, and DigiTrevX has gone complete bananas, making threats and harrassments and now, getting Melody banned from Twitch by abusing DMCA.

It’s pretty sad and it sounds like there is going to be a legal battle between the two in the coming months.

My initial reaction is to lash out at DigiTrevX. It would be super easy to do so via Twitter. I thought about it, and that’s probably a bad idea.

Instead of fighting greed with hate, I’m going to fight greed with love.

I replied to melody’s tweet with this message

An image backup, in case of tweet deletion.

Ugh that pains me to hear. You bring me lots of laughs with your wit, keep me company with your beautiful personality, help me manage my stress by giving me good reason to simply stop working for a bit. I wish there was something I could do to help.

So yep, that’s my contribution. Emotional support. This is Melody’s war to fight, and all I can do is be here. I trust Melody to find the solution to this problem!

Hopefully it doesn’t get drawn out to the point where it becomes unbearable. Melody has been keeping this under wraps for months. I can only imagine what it must be like… Yikes! I just hope this all turns out okay. I really want to do something about it, but I’m so distant and disconnected to where I can’t really do anything.

All I can do is send my well wishes, hope for the best, and wait.

Ok I’m wrapping this journal entry up for now.


88. I am capable of achieving great things.
89. I light the world with my smile.
90. My spirit is beautiful.


I’m grateful for melody and how she is funny and witty. I have made complaints about her tech in the past and I did that from a place of impatientience, unempathicness(sp?) and foolishness and I’m feeling guilty about it.

I’m grateful for group therapy and the strats I’m learning to cope with being a human.

I’m grateful for Adam’s peanut butter because it tastes way better than any hydrogenated bullshit tasting PB out there. Again I just criticized something and I am already feeling foolish and guilty about it.

Fuck it! I am prejudice against hydrogenated peanut butter and I won’t apologize for having an opinion on the matter!

I’m grateful for opinions? Now I’m unnecessarily grasping at straws, because I already wrote 3 gratitude items and it’s time to move on!!!

That’s it for now. Greets.



O Sábio tem algo a dizer. O idiota tem que dizer algo …

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