Thu Oct 15 2020

I’m being an irresponsible coder this morning, just completely ignoring my needs and focusing solely on the programming task at hand.

I am thankful to have caught myself in this cycle of overworking, and now I am forcing myself to disable wifi and sit down and write in my journal for 25 minutes.

No distractions! I’m going to write for two 25 minute periods, and that’s all I am allowed to do during this time.

I have been avoiding going outside and getting my daily required exercise because the weather has become quite cold.

It’s around 30 degrees Fahrenheit which isn’t that cold, but the thing is that we were having 70 degree and 80 degree days just a few weeks ago. There’s not much of a transition and because of that, we’ve been getting very windy days.

Today the wind is comparatively low, so it’ll be a good day to ride my bike down to the grocery store. That being said, I keep coming up with excuses to skip going to the grocery store and I can’t have that!

It is imperative that I keep exercising every day, and keep doing yoga every day.

Oh yoga, I completely forgot to do yoga today. Not forgot, just did not prioritize.

Yesterday I did yoga probably 6 times, which was excellent. Today I would like to be similar, because there are only benefits from doing yoga that much.

Granted, the yoga sessions were only about 5 minutes a piece, but the cumulative effect cannot be argued– I felt good yesterday.

I’m hoping the temperature rises to 40 or 50 degrees in an hour. I can do 50. 40 is pushing it. 30 is a no-go.

I hate having to adjust to the cold wewather. This shit happens every year. I get so depressed during the winter.

Do I want to be depressed? Fuck no. Especially given how much work I have put into myself to get out of the shit I was in at the end of last year, and at the start of this one. I have put so much effort into improving my self, my brain, and my processes for getting healthy and maintaining myself.

I don’t just want to revert to where I was at, I want to keep growing and become better and better every day.

What to do, then? This shit weather isn’t going to go away. It’ll only get worse, and it’ll continue on that trend until springtime 2021. I think what I need to do is I need to accept this reality.

It is time to mourn the passing of summer, and welcome fall. The weather isn’t going to change for me, I have to change for the weather. It’s just the way things are.

Well then, let me take a moment to reflect on the summer of 2020.

Summer 2020 was a beautiful time. It was warm, it was mostly dry. I spent some time with my friend M. I spent a lot of time under lockdown from Covy. That much was not something that I remember fondly, in fact it was super shitty becasue I didn’t get to go to board game day and see my friends.

I remember hiking with some of those friends, and I really enjoyed that. That day was really super hot, and I applied sunscreen very often so I wouldn’t burn. I remember that bike ride, the longest one I’ve had this year, in which I rode from my parent’s house all the way to Liberty Park (or was it Lincoln Park???) and did a 1 hour hike.

I remember running out of water twice, and having to find a park on the way home to fill up my water jug. That insulated jug is nice, but it doesn’t hold as much water as I think it does!

Summer 2020. The time when I doubled down and worked tirelessly on building my business. The time I started to accept my authentic self and my sexuality. The time when I discovered Projekt Melody, Ironmouse, and the circle of VTubers who love to laugh and play.

I want Miku’s POCARI SWEAT in my mouth.

It’s October 15, 2020. Fall is well underway. The pine needles of the evergreen trees are falling enmasse. The wind is knocking brittle branches and rooftop accessories to the ground. The air is cooling and exposing my once invisible breath. Summer is gone. Summer is gone. Summer is gone.

I took a writing break and chanted Junirai and Sanbutsuge. Wifi was disabled, so I had no leader or backing track, just my voice. That might have been a first for me with those two sutras.

I’ve chanted Hanjusan plenty of times on my own. I still don’t have that one mastered, although it’s definitely my favorite sutra.

Am I using the word sutra correctly? I don’t even know.

I feel disconnected! The internet has really become a part of me.

I’m going to do some CBT work. LOI I almost typed CBD.

Personal Goals and Action Plan

1. Reflect on your current outlook on life. In general, do you see yourself as someone who views life positively or negatively? Explain briefly how your outlook helps or hinders you in having the view you desire.

I’m someone who tries lot to think about it. LOL. I can’t answer this question because I don’t know how to answer this question, “in general.” I think I would need an outside perspective to properly answer this.

I’ll answer it this way. When I do think positive thoughts, that really helps me achieve what I’m working on, because I get excited rather than dismayed.

2. Select one part of your life that is particularly challenging for you to obtain or maintain a positive outlook (i.e. relationships, employment, family, societal attitudes). Write two goals you want to work towards in this area, in an effort to improve your outlook on life. What behaviors (rewards) can you instill to keep you motivated as you make progress or improvement?

It’s difficult for me to be positive about my social life. Most the time, I don’t want to have a social life. I feel like it’s an unwanted obligation rather than something I want.

Then I get lonely, and I desire social contact. When I do have social contact, I feel obligated to perform and act a certain way, which is exhausting. If I don’t have a good time, my negative outlook on my social life becomes reinforced.


  1. Seek out social interactions that I want.
  2. Have conversations where I act authentically.

3. Discuss any barriers or obstacles you might want to be mindful of that have the potential to hinder your outlook. What will you do to reduce their impact, should they arise?


  • Hunger
  • Anger
  • Loneliness
  • Tiredness

Those are the biggest barriers. So I guess the antidote to those are

  • Eat well
  • Meditate
  • Commune
  • Sleep well and drink coffee

4. Name three skills you are going to actively practice and integrate into your life to help improve your outlook and perspective in relation to your chosen goal.

  1. Talking to strangers
  2. Putting myself in group settings
  3. Swearing in public

Yes, swearing in public is a goal. It’s a goal because my authentic self swears ALL. THE. TIME. When I speak to people and I don’t swear, I feel FAKE AS FUCK.

5. Journal Exercise: Try to review at the conclusion of each day what you did throughout your day to improve your outlook. What did you notice or discover about yourself or something else?

Fuck bitches do drugs.

No really, IDK. UDK. SDK. (I’m just typing nonsense)

So I can’t really do this without enabling my wifi. I guess I could review what I wrote today?

Well, disabling my wifi and doing some maintenance things are a good thing that I did today which can improve my outlook on my social situation. Taking the time to write my feelings and feel my feelings are things I have done today which are really good and beneficial.

I discovered that I am sad that Summer has ended. I’ve always been sad when the weather changed, but I never really gave myself permission to feel those feelings of sadness. They probably just got tossed onto the stack of suppressed feelings, which end up bubbling over when I least expected it.

Affirmations & Gratitude

43. I choose to have the strength to move on to healthier relationships.
44. I deserve to have good things in life.
45. I release myself from my anger.

I’m grateful for smiling happy anime waifus. My desktop background right now is LAT miku pointing to her smiling face as if she is suggesting me to smile myself. I can’t help but smile when I see her urging me to follow along!

I’m grateful for Taco Bell. Not that I eat there anymore, but I’m glad it exists and I’m glad that they are so innovative in the way of Mexican inspired American fast food.

I’m grateful for headphones. I am grateful that I can put them on and listen to Project Melody moaning as she gets masturbated by my donation by way of her vibrating Lovense LUSH. Hot damn, I love sex toy technology! I’m also grateful for buttplug.js which I would like to try to use at some point in the future to create an interactive telesex experience.


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