Blog post written on Wednesday December 4 2019 at 7:38 AM PST
I woke up early! That’s a refreshing happening. The past few days I’ve been sleeping in, not because I was extra tired, but because I didn’t have plans. I would wake up, go back to sleep, wake up, go back to sleep. I felt like shit once I finally got up at around 10 or 11.
In yesterday’s blog post I mentioned this. I think oversleep does something to my body which is not good and not healthy. I don’t know any technical aspects of this, but I just feel a lot better if I wake up earlier. I’ll feel much more tired at first, but as the day goes on, I feel more energized.
I have a meeting with my counselor today. I don’t know if counselor and therapist are interchangeable, or if there is a specific reason to refer to them as one or the other.
It’s sorta like dental hygenists. I think they were called something else at some point, then there was an industry wide switch to this new title. I can’t remember what they were called at first, so maybe I’m imagining things.
I need to find a better way to clean my ears. They feel somewhat plugged. I tried using cotton swabs, but those generally just compact ear wax. I need to extract the earwax somehow. I have hydrogen peroxide and one of those bulb sqeezy things, but that takes too much patience! And it requires laying down while the hydrogen peroxide does it’s work.
I want something as easy as a cotton swab, but more effective than hydrogen peroxide soaking followed by a warm water wash!
I suppose I need to chill the fuck out and take the time to clean my ears properly. It’s just so boring though! And I have to lay down or hold my head to the side. So boring!
I want to go back to sleep now. I feel achey and tired.
achey is apparently a misspelling. But achey looks exactly like the sound I’m trying to make. I wonder. I also wonder the correct spelling for cringe. Cringe doesn’t have a red line below it, so apparently that’s correct. But is the sound I’m making in my mind the same as the one indicated by the word?
Cringey is the sound I’m thinking of. But cringey is a misspelling.
“Ew, that’s cringe.” doesn’t seem correct.
“Ew, that’s cringey.” seems correct.
CRIh-N-Jee is the sound I am thinking of. I don’t think that’s proper phonemic annotation but whatever. WHATEVER M8!
I lack things to write about. This is probably because I just want to go back to sleep.
Let’s start with a gratitude list then, since I gotta write about that every day.
I’m grateful for my vision. I’m not colorblind, I can see reasonably well. I require glasses to drive but that’s okay. I have an astigmatism but that’s okay too. It doesn’t get in the way of my daily life. I can see things and enjoy them. I can read and watch movies. I can appreciate all of life’s beautiful visuals.
I’m grateful for my metabolism. It has slowed down a bit, but overall it has been good to me. I can eat and poop.
I’m not feeling this. I am grateful for my metabolism, but that’s just oddly specific. I wanna go back to sleep! Or maybe I’m just trying to get out of writing.
But I like writing. It allows me to get my thoughts sorted.
Ok let’s think of other things I’m grateful for. They don’t have to be so detailed either. Just one and done it.
I’m grateful for the color raspberry red. I have this Bitcoin shirt which is raspberry red. It’s close to hot pink, but less luminosity. I like the color. It is wearing out so I would like to acquire a new raspberry red bitcoin shirt.
One more since the metabolism one was so dumb.
I’m grateful for calculators. Calculators used to be hardware and software packages, now they are often just software, existing on portable computers. I like being able to perform complex mathematics calculations using calculator software wherever I go.
OK enough being grateful! Time to be spiteful and hateful!
Apparently being grateful for things helps people be more positive. That’s what my behavioral health worker / therapist / counselor told me. I think that sounds about right.
This last week I’ve been a little better. I have thought about killing myself less days per week.
Killing myself does sound appealing at times. I’d have no more pain or suffering. I’d be a peace, permanently. I wouldn’t have to pay another bill ever again. I wouldn’t have to work at a job I hate ever again. I wouldn’t have to be unhappy anymore. I wouldn’t have to worry about relationships anymore.
I also wouldn’t have any more experiences ever again. I wouldn’t have an opportunity to have sex ever again. I wouldn’t be able to write code ever again. I wouldn’t be able to eat food ever again. I wouldn’t be able to trip on mushrooms ever again. I wouldn’t be able to play with LEGO ever gain. I wouldn’t be able to play Squad ever again. I wouldn’t be able to hug M again. I wouldn’t be able to see Hatsune Miku ever again. I wouldn’t be able to hear her sing for me ever again.
Trip on mushrooms again. I should do that soon. Tripping on mushrooms is a wild experience. It feels pretty much exactly like having a vision how it’s explained in the Bible.
I’ve only done it once, but it is a very spiritual experience. I felt in touch with my body. I felt pain in my body that I normally filter out. My hands and wrists from working on the computer. My gut from being constipated.
I had a tremendous increase in unhinged creativity. I can see how people associate Dumbo with psychedelics. The tripping scene in Dumbo seems like something one could imagine when on mushrooms.
Mushrooms aren’t a harsh trip though. Dumbo looks like what one would see on a bad trip, or perhaps LSD which I’ve heard is a more intense experience.
Mushrooms are very gentle. If you are in a good state of mind going into the experience, you are likely to have a good trip. I’m told bad trips happen when you are anxious or afraid to begin with. The environment in which you trip is important too.
Anyway, taking mushrooms is like being escorted by a civilization of jolly microscopic people to a different dimension.
It’s really hard to explain.
You’ll try to make sense of it and you’ll fail because it’s outside of this understandingMe when I was high on mushrooms
Luckily, I recorded myself tripping. I’m watching it back now, and my behavior is blowing my mind.
First thing I did was I took off all my clothes. I started noticing extra things in my vision. My hands in front of my face left a quickly dissipating wireframe trail in the air as I moved them around. I noted that I am seeing the missing input that is my third eye.
I rambled non-stop. Spewing thoughts and ideas.
There’s triangles. Lots of triangles and they have an eye in the center. It’s a pyramid really. It’s beautiful.
I became tired and wanted to lay down, which I did. I put on my sleep mask and got under my covers.
I rolled back and forth as if the feeling of my sheets against my skin were extremely pleasurable. I would roll onto my back, continuing my ramble and trying to explain what I was seeing.
This is what the mushrooms think. It’s trying to get through the waves of the rounds. It’s trying to get through the rounds. But it doesn’t have any programming so it’s just… like swirling.
I want to get back to the party in my mind!
I noted that I still had control of my facilities.
I want an experience where I go. I am there. I want that kind of experience. I can cling to reality if I want to. But it’s a lot more fun if I close my eyes and get lost in this magic. I love this magic.
I babbled on some more as I squirmed around under my covers.
Ahh this is so fun! It just rips apart my mind, my consciousness, and it’s like, let me show you something next!
The feeling is very interesting. It truly feels like there was a consciousness showing me visions.
It’s like a slideshow. One thing comes, then it stops. Then you get like a break. They’re taking turns showing me things!
I could write a lot about this, but I think a video would be better. But I’m out of practice in video editing. I feel like my edit would not do the experience justice. An edit would be transforming a good experience into a piece of entertainment for my audience with short attention spans.
It was a spiritual adventure for myself. That feeling probably doesn’t translate to anybody watching. Anybody else watching would probably just think it was comedy. There is comedy but the overall feeling is not comedy.
The overall feeling is becoming one with a universal consciousness. A consciousness that encompasses all feelings. Boring, arrogance, humor, sexuality, anger, random chaos.
If you’re that interested, go on a mushroom trip yourself. Get the purified psyilosybin stuff so your stomach won’t hurt. Take the time. Try a low dose first. Get comfortable with the feeling. Recognize that there are different levels of a trip.
The first level is seeing motion trails, fractal geometry, and hearing the tiny people’s goa music.
The second level is feeling sleepy, sexually promiscuous, and a flow of random chaotic thought.
The third level is falling asleep and experiencing astral projection or lucid dreaming. Seeing your inner self, and communicating with beings from another dimension.
I wasn’t ready for level three. I entered it but only for a split second. I got a glimpse and it was stunning, it was beautiful. It is 4th dimension shit, so explaining it is almost pointless. But I was frightened and I backed out.
Here’s the reason I call mushrooms gentle. Mushrooms don’t force you into the experience. Mushrooms guide you to an experience, and you will only see it if you are willing. It’s a consensual relationship. You truly must let go of your inhibitions if you want to have the full experience.
I made a comparison to levels 1 and 2 being a dining room kiddie table. You can go to the adult’s table, level 3, if you want to. There’s nothing wrong with staying at the kiddie table, and the trip is worth it to stay at the kiddie table. But the adult’s table has some tremendous opportunity!
During my first trip, I was not prepared. I was frightened when I reached level 3. I hope to try again in the future with a more open and prepared mind, so I can experience first hand that other world that I saw a glimpse of.
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