Tue Apr 14 2020

moe, woman girl, manga

I slept poorly, and then I woke up 6 hours later and couldn’t sleep at all after that. The whole issue began when I checked my texts rights before going to bed. My dad asked,

Do know if we still have the resperator for spraying weeds?

That question sent me into a loop. I couldn’t sleep. Yes, I have a respirator for spraying weeds that he paid for when I was working for him. That was months ago and I’ve since used it for many hours. I can’t reply to him– I’m stuck in a loop.

A respirator is not meant to be shared! That’s kind of a personal item. That’s what I want to say. Get your own respirator mask!

I would think that the COVID-19 thing would make this an intuitive topic. But I’m stuck in this place where I don’t want to say no.

I’m self conscious about my stank breath. I haven’t cleaned that mask since I used it and I don’t think I can sanitize it even if I did clean it. Plus there’s the filters that I’ve been breathing through, which should be replaced, not reused. But my dad wants the mask that I was breathing through. Yuck! What the hell?

I want to throw it away immediately and tell him I threw it away.

I’m so angry and scared. I woke up this afternoon and I laid in bed thinking about this. I still haven’t replied to his text. I hear him running the tractor outside. I felt like I was getting a stomach ulcer just thinking about it. I’m stuck in a loop!

I think the idea that feelings go away in 90 seconds after you feel them is bullshit. I’ve been stuck in this feeling of shame and fear for a good hour now. Plus there’s the hour I felt it before I slept. So this is an ongoing bad feeling and it’s causing me physical harm.

My left eye does this strange thing when I feel stressed out. I don’t know how to explain it properly. It feels tight and out of focus. It feels like there’s something behind my eye which uncomfortably pushes against my eye when I’m stressed. It’s happening right now.

I watched Half Life memes on youtube and I got a laugnh, but after a few minutes of that, I snapped back to the reality where I’m ashamed to answer my dad in any way, and I’m afraid of what he will say.

I can answer any way and I’m going to feel shame about it.

I can say “yes, I have it, here’s the mask.” and I’ll feel ashamed that it’s not properly sanitized. If I actually share it, I’ll feel the shame of doing something which is unsanitary and socially unacceptable.

I can say, “no, I threw it away.” and I will feel the guilt of lying. I’ll feel the shame of being wasteful for throwing something away that does not need to be thrown away.

I can say, “that’s a personal item and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it” and I’ll feel the shame of not sharing something when it’s requested.

Whichever I choose, I’m stuck with shame.

That’s a personal item and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it. I breathed through it for several hours and I can’t sanitize it properly. It’s a mask and masks should not be shared.

So what do I do? Right now I’m thinking of either throwing it onto the lawn because I can’t communicate shame, or I can ignore the texts and pretend I didn’t get them. But that’s hardly an option because I got the text and I can’t ignore the problem. It’s omnipresent in my day so far. I can ignore it or distract myself, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

This would be easier if I had used my own money to buy the mask. Then I could say no and it would be justified.

My dad used the pronoun, “we” in his text. There is no we! There is me, and there is him.

I went for a walk. I quickly came to the conclusion that I need to reply to my dad’s text so I can move forward.

I still have it, but I’m too ashamed to share it with you. It’s kind of a personal item and I can’t sanitize it properly.

Chris 2020

There, I said it. I communicated my situation and my feelings. I communicated shame, as recommended in my favorite book at the moment, I Thought It Was Just Me.

I haven’t heard back yet. I am going to be okay with whatever answer I get, because I am good enough and I’m worth it and my feelings matter.

If he comes back and tries to shame me more, I’m going to recognize that as humiliating rather than shameful. He might be okay with sharing masks, but I’m not. It’s just like sharing toothbrushes or razors or underwear, it’s not something you do.

I think he’ll understand though. If he doesn’t, then I’ll just be angry because I communicated properly for once and I didn’t ignore him. I confronted the problem that has caused me to lose sleep and I was honest. I have no guilt about the topic now. I did my part.

I had adopted a habit of saying yes to his requests, even when I wanted to say no. I suppose in a way I’m practicing to say no.

I still have guilt around the topic of living in this apartment provided by my parents. For a long time, I paid no rent and I just worked for them. I’m realizing now that I had a sweet deal financially, and they had a sweet deal in cheap labor. I was probably paid about what I was worth, but there’s certain aspects about the work I did that someone else might have got paid a lot more for. Anyway that’s a different topic. The topic I want to focus on is shame, because that’s the topic I can do something about and improve on.

I got an AT&T SIM card for unlimited data. I haven’t put it in my phone yet because I’ll have to transfer my Burnerapp account and I don’t want to do that. I want a phone app that doesn’t require a phone number to sign in. My immediate urge is to go research phone apps that will do what I want. Now is not the time! Now is the time to write in my blog. I have 14 more minutes on my Pomodoro timer for writing. After this period of work, I’m going to kick back and read for 5 minutes.

Or maybe I’ll do yoga. I’ve been doing lots of meditation and yoga during my Pomodoro rest phases.

My spellcheck thinks Pomodoro should be Commodore. LOL.

I saw a blog yesterday that I really liked. Their text was highly readable and their site style was super clean. I am tempted to find out what theme it was and install the theme myself. I know it was a WordPress theme, that much is certain.

The theme I’m using now is pretty nice, but I think the text is a little on the small side for reading. Maybe I think that just because my eyesight is degrading. It’s always degraded over the years for as long as I can remember. Every time I would get an eye exam, I’d get a slightly stronger prescription. The issue now is that I haven’t been to the eye doctor in so many years. My glasses probably need an upgrade, but I can’t afford that. My glasses have been broken for probably 4 years now. The hinge broke and the frame is held together with hot glue. When I go to the dentist and I’m asked to remove my glasses, I always have to tell the hygienist to not fold them because they’re broken.

My eye doctor is too expensive for my tax bracket. I always end up paying hundreds of dollars when I go there. I don’t have optical insurance, either. I haven’t had optical insurance for the longest time.

You know what grinds my gears? My boss when I worked at a landscaping company in North Idaho didn’t offer any sort of insurance for his employees! That’s just… tragic. I mean, I suppose there is the freedom aspect there. I really enjoy freedom and peaceful chaos. I don’t think employers should be held to some sort of system that enforces health insurance. I think the free market should dictate that sort of thing. As in, if you run an unfair operation which doesn’t support your employees, you should have a really hard time finding employees.

The workers would flock to employers who offer fair contracts. So it’s fine that that boss didn’t offer insurance. I didn’t whine, I didn’t become an activist and try to get him to offer insurance, I simply voted with my wallet and I quit!

Maybe it wasn’t a vote with my wallet. It was actually financially irresponsible for me to quit, but there were all sorts of issues I had with that job and knowing that no health insurance was coming even after months of hard work.

Today I learned from a friend about a creator called DigiTrevX. He makes anime style 3d models for VTubers. I was shown Projekt Melody, who’s Vtuber with a 3d model made by DigiTrevX… I think her appearance and attire checks the boxes on almost every one of my sexual fetishes. HOT DAMN!

I read some pages of my fav book. I’m on chapter 9 now, getting near the end! Next book I would like to read is I Don’t Want To Talk About It: Overcoming The Secret Legacy Of Male Depression.

I felt some shame talking about sexy anime bodies. From my reading today, I learned that people with shame resilience have minimized their shame, and where appropriate, feel guilt rather than shame. Shame is a feeling that can become overbearing and hard to get past. Guilt is a manageable feeling that problem solving can be applied to.

It seems like a difficult task, but I want to reduce the shame I feel.

Goddamn, I’m so distracted. I’m looking at all of DigiTrevX’s creations and getting moist in the pants. Every time I think someone has topped the sexy charts with a piece of 3D art, someone comes along and one-ups the leader!

There’s a battle out there between god-level artists and that battle will continue for as long as humanity exists!

I’m super envious of DiviTrevX. They make a living doing what they are really good at! I don’t have that in my life. I have poverty and shit. Shame and depression.

I’m not too depressed though. I can keep moving forward. I can advance toward my goals and make baby steps in the right direction.

I’m grateful for THONGS. I said it. Thongs are the hottest piece of clothing a human can wear. Fuck yeah.

I’m grateful for FIRM ASSES. Firm asses look great in thongs and make my PP go hard!

I’m grateful for LIBIDO. My libido is ON FIRE today, thanks to Mel’s firm ass and her wonderful display of it in a variety of thongs! HOLY SHIT MY FETISHES ARE WEIRD BUT WWHATEVS I LOVE IT, THAT’S MY GENUINE SELF RIGHT THERE!


54. I am becoming healthier each and every day.
55. I choose to see each obstacle as an opportunity to grow.
56. I will step out of my comfort zone and try something new today.

I hate it when I talk about issues I have with my family in the same post as I talk about sex. Maybe I do so because when I talk about my family issues, I get over them. My family issues led me to feel a lot of shame around sex. So when I get over my family issues, do I naturally give myself permission to be my genuine and talk about something that really interests me? Hentai BB’s and asses and how turned on I am by them? That’s my working theory at the moment!

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