Tue Aug 18 2020

CoDA 30q #20

Read Step Three pages 37-41. Create another balance sheet. On one side, list all the reasons that you can believe in God. On the other side, list all your reasons for disbelief.

Reasons I can believe in godReasons I disbelieve in god
I choose the godIt’s uncool
My choice of god is nice and lovingIt’s not scientifically backed
I need to put faith in something other than just myselfI don’t want to be, “that guy” who is obsessed about religion and tries to convert people
I want to offload some of my responsibilityI want to take responsibility for myself and my actions
I want to belong to a sanghaI don’t want to belong– I want to be hikkikomori (a NEET)

9:29 PM. I watched the last Seattle Betsuin livestream of the week today (Reverend Kusanoki is going on vacation) then I walked 20 laps around the campfire, took a shower, shaved, listed on eBay, ate oatmeal…

I took 2 naps today! I can’t tell if I’m eating too much, or too little. Actually I’m probably eating just the right amount. I think the issue is that I’m sitting a lot, and my body naturally is like, “okay, time to sleep!”

I feel less tired when I ride my bike or run. Today I wanted a break though, so it was an easy day as far as exercise.

I read the prolog of a book that I got from a mini library. Prelude? P-something.

I figured out the problem I had with Strapi, but now I ran into another problem with gatsby-image that has me equally stumped.

I’ll figure it out! I always do.

Wait a minute, I don’t always figure things out. I didn’t figure out RedwoodJS, I worked around it by switching frameworks LOL.

I always get past it! That’s what I should say.

5 minute break time.

It was a 15 minute break. I did yoga and I feel really good now

I just modified my daily progress chart to show 3 yoga boxes, not just 1. Morning, mid-day, and evening yoga.

My biggest complaint lately about how my body feels is that I feel too damn stiff!

I wake up stiff, I sit all day, get my spine compressed and my muscles all tense, and I go to sleep and the tension just builds up day after day.

More yoga is needed!

I’ve been using my accupressure mat lately. Goddamn I love that thing. I sit on it or put my legs on it and I feel such pain that I want to scream, but if I sit through it and just observe myself rather than focusing on the pain, I can get through it, my muscles feel an overwhelming sense of relaxation, and I feel much better than before.

Surrendering to the pain is what it’s all about.

I wonder if the same trick works for being tortured? Surrendering to the pain? Accepting it, observing it, and simply focusing on breathing?

I doubt it, LOL. Well maybe that’s a trick to get into a detatched state of mind. Who knows?! Only those who have been tortured, I’m sure!

I’m running out of cards to list on eBay. I could open a booster box Isuppose. I have one booster box which I don’t think will sell in the US. It’s Amagami SS+ Plus which I’ve never heard anyone in the US talk about.

Watching a sexy MMD with Miku.

I want a Miku daki!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Someday. Not today. Money is non-existent.

Basically I’m sunk if I don’t either

  1. get more sales
  2. donate plasma
  3. receive a government stimulus check
  4. get a PT job

I’m thinking of looking for temporary work on indeed or craigslist. I don’t want a job, but I need money ASAP. I have to generate $250 by the end of the month, or I can’t pay rent.

The stimulus check date is up in the air. I can’t depend on that arriving in time. I saw a date at one point which was Aug 31st at the soonest. Basically that’s not soon enough, because I have to pay rent on that same day. There will no doubt be 3 day delays or shit like that when it comes to transferring money around. Just because the check gets sent on Aug 31 doesn’t mean I’ll have access to the funds in August!

It’s not a good idea for me to depend on the government to pay my rent. I have to take responsibility for myself. I have to make sales or provide a service or offer value in some way.

Right now, I’m not feeling that my work is valued. I got like 1 or two sales this week, each about a $7 value? I’m back at poverty levels, LOL.

I’ve kinda been at poverty levels for the past six months. Somehow I was able to make ends meet and get my rent paid.

This is all so new to me. Rent, that is. I mean, I paid rent back when I lived in Eugene, Oregon, but that was 10+ years ago and I’ve been rent free until 2020. It’s a strange feeling to work so hard, get money, then watch it all go away and I didn’t even get to buy fun stuff with it.

The funnest stuff I can buy now is food. Like ice cream!

I like ice cream. I’m tempted to pull the pint of cashew milk icecream from the fridge and eat it, but it’s probably not a good idea at 10PM, especially when I’m trying to hold a sleep schedule, be responsible, make money, etc. etc. etc.

Speaking of making money…

What can I do to supplement my meager income? Something that doesn’t end with me wanting to kill myself because of how soul sucking it is?

It’s amazing that my current gig is not soul sucking. I sit at home, alone all day and get tense and stressed, but I still like it a lot!

I like what I do. The trick I need to learn is to monetize the shit outta what I do!

I could monetize this journal? I already am with ads that pay me $0.02 a month LOL.

I bet I would get more traffic if I posted every day. I think I can find an audience for just these journal entries. IDK, maybe people who are in a similar boat? People who don’t want to go outside unless they have to? People who are unhappy with their situation? Depressed individuals?

IDK, maybe this is too niche. Perhaps I’m too strange and controlling and isolated to be relatable. Maybe I’m nothing but repulsive?

IDK. I like me, and that’s all that really matters.

It’s a strange thing to be a person. There’s this internal dialog that nobody else but me can hear. Nobody but me will ever hear it. The depth of my relationships is dependent on how well I can externalize that chatter with another person, and find relatable things about the other person’s externalized internal chatter.

I’ve done a lot of growing this year. I bet I would cringe pretty hard if I looked back at a journal entry from six months ago.

Maybe cringe is the wrong word. I understand where I came from, so I think I would prefer to practice self-empathy. I think I would be impressed to see how my internal dialog shifted to being more positive, more grateful, and more forgiving.

There’s always more improvements to be made!

I’m really surprised that I stuck with therapy this long. I don’t think I’ve stuck with anything this long, since I lived in Eugene. I’ve been incredibly consistent when it comes to therapy. I show up, and I do the homework.

I’ve actually missed a few weeks of homework, but I’ve showed up every single time. I think I cancelled one appointment during the winter when I didn’t have snow tires and I was seriously afraid of slipping off the road or crashing. Other than that, I’ve had a spotless attendance record. That is UHEARD OF in the book of adult Chris.

Adult Chris was depressed for a long time. Actually, it’s CRAIG that I should be using. Craig is the name I give to the spineless, people-pleasing, afraid of conflict man part of myself.

Craig didn’t let his opinions be made. Craig kept quiet and did what he was told, regardless of his own feelings. Craig became resentful for doing what he HATED, and formed a CAREER out of shitty, unfulfilling, unfitting work.

It’s strange to say Craig, when it’s really just Chris. I’m going to use Chris after all.

Chris is pretty happy right now! Chris does what he loves, Chris has internet friends, Chris is working towards his goals!

Chris needs some money now. The current iteration of Chris’s gig isn’t paying the bills!

I feel like a broken record. I’ve been saying this same shit since at least January. How did I even manage to pay rent all this time?! Oh yeah, eBay.


Crazy, mate. It’s been a crazy year.

I don’t think the Authenticity checkbox on my daily progress chart is something that I know how to measure. How do I know if I was authentic or not? What if I was authentic for half the day, then inauthentic for the rest? What if I had 100 moments, with authenticity randomly enabled or disabled for each of those 100 moments????

I think in need to modify that checkbox somehow. Maybe the true test of authenticity is during socializing. I feel pretty damn authentic right now in this moment, and most moments that I spend alone. The issue of inauthenticity comes up only when I’m around other people!

Hmm… I think that checkbox has to go, but I don’t want to simply abandon tracking authenticity!

I dunno how to do it. The past two days, I put a chicken scratch in the authenticity box, because I had an authentic moment, but I don’t know if authenticity fits the theme of the entire day. Maybe that’s the thing to do? One chicken scratch per authentic moment?

Nah, that’s too difficult to track as well, because like I said, I’m authentic when I’m with myself. I might as well just fill in the whole box if I’m tracking each authentic moment.

Maybe a percentage could go in the box! “Today I was n% authentic.”

Maybe? sure, why not! I can always change it later on if that doesn’t sound like a good thing.

well I’m just going to put in 100% today, because I spent the entirety of today alone.

Affirmation time!

34. I am thankful for…

Vegan ice cream! Chocolate! Oatmeal! Walnuts, strawberries, bananas, peaches, pears, plums, raisins, broccoli, watermelon, spinach, chia seeds, cashews, peanuts, pistachios, corn, rice, beans, apricot, mango, carrot, potato, celery, onions, grapes, beets, squash, zucchini, cucumber, pickels, avocados, limes, lemons, oatmilk, hempmilk, all the vegetable milks!

I could keep going, but it would be a huge list!

I’m really grateful for whole foods and how easily I can get them.

I’m grateful for my vitamins. My daily vitamin has been really good to me, and D3 is probably making a difference in my health. I say probably because I can’t measure that shit! I just have to trust the experts who say, “D3 is extremely important.”

I’m thankful for my mom who shares her vegetable garden with me. Today I had the thought that I would like to help her with her garden. I pulled some weeds and I think I will do that more often. I think if I’m still living here next year, that I would like to plant some vegetables of my own and help them grow.

I’m grateful for Fastmail, because it’s not Google Mail! (also it works really well and is very reliable) I read a headline last week, “I tried living without google and it was impossible.” I call BULLSHIT! It takes sacrifice, but I know it’s possible because I’m almost living without google. I stay anchored to it because of my favorite video platform YouTube, but I’m looking forward to the day when YT gets dethroned by PeerTube or DTube or something like that!

35. I choose to take good care of myself.
36. accept myself


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