Tue Aug 25 2020

Good Morning!

7:51 AM. I have picked and packed one ebay order and now I’m waiting until my 8:30AM shipping cutoff time before I walk to the mailbox.

I sent about 20 offers to customers last night, unfortunately there are no bites yet!

I think I’ll get a few, but probably not before 8:30.

Man, it was really nice yesterday to have journalling and CBT work out of the way. I almost forgot what it feels like to not have to worry about having something important to do before I retire for the evening.

I was just getting used to having that looming todo which I would repeatedly reschedule for later, each time I thought about having to complete the task.

Well, today is going to be similar. I’m going to get the important things done first, which leaves the rest of the day open for innovation!

“Open for innovation” is just a buzzphrase that I felt like saying. It came to me so I went with it!

Yesterday was such a good day. I started it out with shipping an ebay order, then I did some journalling before I had a zoom call with my therapist. I got back on my journalling and CBT work after that call, then I went to the grocery store and got some saltines, peanut butter, and raisins.

There was a moment in the grocery store where I felt anxiety. There was a man in the cracker aisle with me who was also looking for crackers in the saltines area. I felt rushed to get out of his way as he approached me, even though I was not satisfied with my saltine cracker selection.

You see, I was crouched down real low so I could read a price sticker which was sandwiched behind a cardboard promotional stand and the store shelf. I had to move around to the other side of the promotional stand after I determined the cost per ounce of the product in question. There’s just too many saltine options!

I think I found the cheapest one and selected it, but I wanted to be sure that it didn’t contain milk or some other ingredient that I don’t eat. That’s when the man approached and seemed to be waiting for me to clear out before he picked saltines from the shelf.

I felt rushed. I felt the need to get out of the man’s way, even though I was not finished in the task I had at hand– verify product ingredients. I placed the saltines in my basket and I walked away as I muttered, “excuse me” under my breath.

The thing is, I don’t think I needed to rush. I was there first and I have strict diet requirements and I need to take my time and verify that what I’m buying is right for me. I have equal rights to be in this store, be in this aisle. I have equal rights to read the price stickers and the product labels and make an educated decision.

I felt the need to say, “excuse me.” With a clear head now, I realie that there was no need for that. I would like to improve in this area. I was essentially, “first in line” at the saltines, and I am going to do do what I am going to do before I make a decision and select a product. I deserve patience from the people who are second in line.

I am not doing anything inconsiderate or rude or wrong by taking my time and reading the label or selecting an appropriate product. I am doing a reasonable thing and just like I wouldn’t want to rush another person who is making a selection, I do not want to be rushed myself. I am okay to take my time. I am okay and I am enough. I am an equal, and the other people can wait and should wait.

Just sold my LGF.B shares at a 1.1% ROI. Now I’m waiting for LGF.A to re-reach it’s 1.1X target. Both Lionsgate stocks reached my target price and I got an alert from investing.com about it. By the time I opened up the stock price on robinhood, LGF.A had already dipped back down below my target.

Such is investing in stocks! It might bounce back later today. I’ll just re-create the investing alert and hope for the best.

I gotta close my inbox. I don’t need those distractions while I’m writing!

So yeah, after the grocery store, I rode home. I stopped to fill up my water bottle from the waterbottle refill station on the Appleway trail at Conklin. There was a Senske landscape maintenance worker on the Appleway trail right at that intersection. He was smoking a cigarette as he swept rocks from the path.

As I rolled up to the man, he did this over the shoulder check without actually turning all the way to see me. He paused like he was waiting for me to pass without making eye contact, at which point I knew he knew I was there and I accelerated past.

I felt a little awkward about that interaction yesterday, but now I’m thinking that we’re both just in the same boat. We might be kin of some sort– both socially anxious to the point where we don’t want to make eye contact with strangers, we don’t want to get too close, and there are more important things to do than to make conversation (work)

I’m not the only one who is socially anxious! It puts me at peace to know this.

I find a sort of peace knowing there are others who suffer in the same way, but at the same time, I think I can use this fact to my advantage, and move past social anxiety. I think being acutely aware of my anxiety as it’s happening is something that I can leverage to actually stop being anxious.

“Oh, this is me feeling anxiety about being close to a stranger.”

The mindfulness that I desire

If I have this sort of mindful awareness, I can simply bring myself to the conclusion that a panicked reaction is not befitting for the situation that I am witnessing.

That’s the goal!

I made it home and showered, shaved. I then did about 45 minutes of sutra chanting. I didn’t see any Shin Buddhist livestreams yesterday morning which featured sutra chanting, so I went to my old standby playlist and followed along with Sanbutsuge, Junirai, and Hanjusan.

I got pretty sleepy once I got to Hanjusan, which is a shame because Hanjusan is my favorite sutra chant at the moment.

I ate lunch after chanting, which consisted of the three ingredients that I purchased from the store. LOL, what a rudimentary yet filling and pleasing meal it was to indulge myself with a stack of saltine crackers, organic peanut butter, and Sunmaid raisins!

I’m picky about my raisins and my peanut butter. I have bought too many shitty, stale store brand raisins in the past. I had one too many bad experiences with nasty over-dried raisins and I just said, “no more!” I resolved to spend the money on Sunmaid because they’re consistently better and it’s worth paying for a better product!

The same goes for peanut butter. Not only is the cheap stuff low in cost, it’s low in flavor. I don’t know if it’s because of hydrogenation, the process of suspending oil particles, or just because they use inferior peanuts, but the store brand that my mom buys is absolutely terrible! It doesn’t taste like peanuts anymore, it tastes like a food designed to be shelf stable for two centuries. I’m not willingly eating that shit!

I bought a big jar of Adam’s peanut butter. I don’t mind the stirring because it’s got a superior taste. When I get old fashion style peanut butter, I empty the entire jar into a food storage container, I mix it up real good, then I put it in my fridge. It’s often messy, but the mess is a one-time deal that I don’t have to worry about the next time I pull the PB from the fridge. There’s an added bonus to refrigeration– cold peanut butter is a delicious treat all on it’s own!

8:30. Time to walk to the mailbox!

I did about an hour of walking after I walked to the mailbox. I was really tired throughout. I felt like taking a nap!

I came inside and meditated for 15 minutes. I did Hanjusan. Still sleepy. Felt distracted.

I picked some cherry tomatos from my mom’s garden. She mentioned that there were a bunch of them that were ready to be picked. There are too many for me to eat! I got a pocketful, ate a few, and refrigerated the rest. This is like 4 days worth of cherry tomatos, and that wasn’t even all of them that are ready to be harvested!

I ate oatmeal and it was really yummy.

  • 1 cup old fashioned oats
  • 1.2 cups warm water
  • 2 handfulls rasins
  • 1 handful walnut pieces
  • 1 pinch of salt
  • 3 pinches cinnamon
  • 1 drizzle agave nectar

combine ingredients and mix well. Let sit for 25 minutes before eating.

the salt was the crazy part, but I figure that I could use the salt and the increase in blood pressure because I’ve felt so lethargic this morning. I didn’t taste the salt at all, but this mixture that is so common for me did taste a little more flavorful.

I, showered and shaved. I’m going to jump into CBT now.

Shy No Longer Module 6 Page 4

2. Jumping to Conclusions

Can you think of a situation where you used this thinking style?

Ah yes! I had this experience at the grocery store yesterday! (It’s something I wrote about earlier in this post)

I was in the snack aisle at the grocery store, because I was jonesin’ for some saltine crackers. I located the saltine crackers and immediately crouched down so I could read the price stickers and find the brand of saltines which cost the least amount of money per ounce.

One of the price stickers was covered by a cardboard promotional product display stand so I had to get up and move to the other side of the stand so I could see the sticker. The price I found was higher than the others, so I moved back over to the other side of the promotional display.

That’s when I noticed a man standing a few feet behind me. He seemed to be eying the same shelves full of saltine crackers, and I immediately began jumping to conclusions that this guy was in a hurry, and was waiting me to clear out so he could respect social distancing recommendations and pick out his own crackers.

He said nothing, he made no gestures, he only stood there. I jumped to the conclusion that he wanted me to hurry up and pick out some crackers and get out of his way.

Yikes! Putting it like that, I can really see that I jumped to conclusions.

I wasn’t done, either. I hadn’t made a complete price comparison, but I rushed it and just picked a box. I still needed to read the ingredients labels to make sure that the crackers I chose were suitable for my diet.

Again I rushed, jumping to the conclusion that I’m a pesky nuisance of poor character who just gets in the way.

Without reading the entire label, at least I confirmed that there was no milk in the allergens section and I stood up. I muttered, “excuse me” as if I had done something to inconvenience the man. I left the aisle and went to the check stands.

I had been calm up to that point, but I became fearful when the man was waiting on me. Fearful that I would upset him.

Predictive Thinking

Have you think of a situation where you used this thinking style?

Yes, although I can’t think of any specific situation. Discord voice chat. I have completely given up on talking to strangers with similar interests via Discord because I predict that I am going to not be able to excuse myself when I want to leave.

Same thing goes with meeting with friends on Teamspeak. I predict that I am not going to be able to hold a conversation with a friend of a friend who hangs out on Teamspeak. It happens every time. I try to spark a conversation, we get into talking, then I get triggered by something we talk about. Sometimes it’s sex, and I can’t relate to what the other guys are talking about. I start to feel ashamed, and I clam up, and the conversation dies.

It’s often about sex, really. There was the time at Nerds United when a group is playing Cards Against Humanity and I felt uncomfortable reading the cards when it was my turn. I was ashamed to be speaking about sex so casually when I have no practical partner sex experience.

It felt wrong for me to talk about sex openly because it was so taboo in my upbringing. It’s still taboo in my parent’s opinion and I don’t think that will ever change. It’s part of why I want to move out of here is because so many joyful things in life are forbidden for them. I feel ashamed to enjoy masturbation and porn and it’s just one more thing I have to hide about my authentic self.

I have to hide so many things about myself. My use of colorful language, my use of light-hearted racial slurs. My love of comedians who speak their mind no matter how against-the-grain a topic it might be.

I got off topic there! That’s perfectly fine though! These are all good things that I have wrote about and begun to process.

I’m going to wrap this up for today.

49. I choose to be proud of myself.
50. I will do my absolute best in all things.
51. I will speak kindly to others and to myself.

I’m grateful for investing.com which has free stock alerts. Today alone, I’ve received great value from these alerts.

I’m grateful for robinhood.com which gives me the ability to buy and sell stock without expensive fees. I’ve been growing my stock portfolio as of late, and I’m doing it in $5 increments by purchasing fractional shares in companies that I otherwise would not be able to afford to invest in. Robinhood has really been a great company in my eyes, and I’m grateful for them!

I’m grateful for my pomodoro timer, Goodtime. I can’t recommend this app enough! It’s the #1 app I use on my phone and it’s been a great helper for me to cultivate focus and discipline.


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