Tue Aug 4 2020

Hello and good morning! M. arrived in Spokane yesterday, right around the time that I was ready to sleep. LOL. He called me and I said I was tired since I had been up since 3AM. He came up with the idea to go shopping and give me an hour to take a nap.

I napped, then I awoke to his phone call. I answered the call but my voice didn’t go through for some reason. We texted instead and I gave him my address.

Waze took him to the wrong place LOL. He went up a different gravel driveway and he said there was a kid staring at him.

I got him to the right place eventually, after which I was waiting for him outside. I was so uncomfortable and nervous for whatever reason. I didn’t know if he wanted to take a tour or leave right away, so we just kinda small talked for a few minutes.

Eventually we both seemed to become more at ease. There were some deer in the distance and I said we could get closer and I could show him the backyard. So we did that, we walked around the trail and I showed M. the sights, the bridge that P. made, the place where J.’s friend had a wedding, the rock fort, etc.

We saw a bunny and more deer.

I didn’t offer to give a tour of my apartment because I’m self conscious about it being a smelly dirty mess. I didn’t offer to give a tour of my parent’s house because I didn’t want the two for one uncomfort of being uncomfortable with my parents and uncomfortable with M.

Yesterday was probably the last chance for M. to meet my parents because they’re going on a vacation today.

Maybe if I wasn’t so tired I wouldn’t have been so uncomfortable? I was just ready for sleep the whole evening.

We got back to M.’s car and decided to go surprise P. We drove down to his house and pulled up in front of his neighbor’s place. We walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. P. seemed pretty happy and genuinely surprised to see M. and we got invited inside.

We chilled in P.’s office until 11PM. We discussed ideas of what to do this week. We played Jackbox games.

Goddamn, I wish I was more up front about being broke. I think P. and M. aren’t going to do stuff unless I’m doing it too, and I don’t want to hold them back. I am perfectly fine tagging along to places to spend time with them, I’m just going to sit out the stuff that cost money.

The plan is to go to the indoor gun range today. I’m going to have to make a hard call on whether or not I shoot. I’m thinking it would be best if I don’t shoot, because I think the minimum cost to shoot is $50. I don’t have a budget for this.

I’m feeling a bad feeling in my gut when it comes to spending money on activities. I would rather pay off the thousands of dollars of debt I have from spending money on past activities that I didn’t have money for.

I’d rather buy weeks worth of groceries than pay $50 on gun range fees. I’d rather buy inventory or pay for shipping to replenish my eBay store. I’d rather buy shoes to replace the holey shoes I’ve been wearing for three years. I’d rather buy shorts to replace the busted button shorts that I’ve been wearing for two, or the worn out pants that I’ve been wearing for four or five.

I’m not in a place to spend money on things other than essential expenses.

I can’t bank on having future money in the form of stimulus check.

Fuck, I wish I had been more up front about being broke!

6:47 AM. The sun is up, the day is young.

I have the urge to distract myself with YouTube or hacker news. I don’t want to write about uncomfortable things!

I’m feeling scared about causing M. to have a shitty vacation here. He went out on a limb to come here. He could have come anywhere but he chose here because I talked him into it. I feel guilt about not being up front about having no spending money. I feel guilt about not being up front that I need to work in the mornings. I feel guilt about being completely exhausted when M. was wide awake and ready to hang out with us.

Oh yeah, I forgot to write about that part. M. and P. and I were playing Jackbox games and it seemed like they were having a lot of fun, but I was just completely exhausted. I was freezing cold in P.’s air conditioned office and my body was giving me every signal that it needed sleep.

I was in shorts and a T-Shirt and I was wishing that I had brought a beanie or a hoodie or worn long pants.

I was hungry and tired and ready to sleep, but M. had given me a ride there so it’s not like I could just dismiss myself and go home.

I think I’m physically vulnerable right now. I just woke up. I got about 6 hours of sleep and I don’t feel very rested. I’m feeling scared to write or even think about the guilt I felt last night.

I’m not awake! I’m half asleep and I want to be comfortable and warm.

I told M. and P. that 10:30AM is too early for me to hang out with them. I have to wait until 12PM. I feel guilty about that because I’m afraid that M. is going to be sitting around his airBNB without anything to do. I’m afraid I’m going to ruin his trip.

Stop right there. I have to find the fault with these worries.

I don’t exist to make M. happy. I can’t drop my job and my life because M. is in town. I don’t think M. expects me to do that for him either. M. knows I have an eBay business, he knows I have a sleep schedule that is… inconsistent. We’re both on different sleep schedules and there is going to be some clashing.

All I can really do is talk about it. I can talk about my side of the street and not make assumptions about his. I can ask about what he wants. I can ask about his plans. We both have our lists of things we want to do, and we can’t do everything. We can do anything but we can’t do everything.

I want him to have a good time, but that’s not really up to me. M. has to decide to have a good time. We all have to decide to have a good time. I can’t let my codependent tendencies of people pleasing get the best of me. I’m where I’m at in life and I have limitations when it comes to money and schedules.

I don’t need to ignore my limitations, I need to be better at communicating them. I need to communicate my desire that I want to spend as much time with M. as possible. I need to take a day off or something, LOL!

M. is only here until Thursday. I can take a day or two off. Or rather, I can adjust my schedule to make sure that I can spend as much time with him as possible.

I write that, but I feel stomach woozy after doing so. I have to take care of myself first. I can’t spend a huge amount of time with other people and feel okay. I need recovery time– alone quiet time.

I’m hungry. I’m making some oatmeal in my instantpot.

I took some time sitting on my couch and I thought about all this. The plan for today is already set– we are going to meet at around noon and go shooting. After shooting, we’re going to decide on what we want to do, whether it’s floating the river or going go-karting or having a LAN party or whatever.

Codependency will only hurt us. Codependency fosters regret.

I think all of us three have codependency tendencies. People pleasing, putting other people’s perceived needs ahead of our own needs…

I think the challenge for myself this week is to put my own needs above the needs of my friends and family.

Last night was a good example of a failure in that. I wanted to keep playing and keep hanging out even though I was exhausted and in desperate need of sleep.

A big part comes down to communication. I have to communicate my needs, not just have them.

I don’t expect other people to handle my needs either. I have to communicate that as well. I don’t feel right if I’m being treated all the time.

I expect to be excluded from doing certain things because I don’t have a budget for them. I’m more than okay with that.

If I miss out on an experience because I’m broke, that’s okay with me because I probably didn’t want to have the experience to begin with.

The list of things I want to do while M. is here consists of FREE or nearly free activities. The things that I actually want to do are things that fit in my budget.

  • Disc golf.
  • Walking.
  • Eating food.
  • Riding bikes.
  • Seeing the sights.
  • Playing video games.

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