I didn’t write yesterday ‘cus I didn’t prioritize writing. Today I’m writing and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Just kidding. cute vtubers on the mind.
I’ve been really distracted today. I was so desperate for Melody to start her stream at 1PM today that I was angry when there were Twitch.tv technical issues that prevented me from watching Melody in anything lower than 1080p@60. That resolution and framerate were not at all watchable on my cell connection and I was pretty frustrated.
After a moment of mindful introspection, I realized that I was trying to distract myself from some sort of feelings. I also realized that I was tired and grumpy after having walked outside for an hour and a half this morning, and having a less than steller night’s sleep last night.
I didn’t sleep well because I missed a sleep train while brainstorming ideas for Stormworks LUA scripts. Common problem when I code at night. That’s why my policy is to not code at night, but that policy has been circumvented by way of a video game which includes programming which I play socially in the evenings.
I stayed awake for over 2 hours last night, just thinking about cools shit to make. Luckily I also took the time to relax my muscles with stretches and my accupressure pad, so I wasn’t really worried about it. I woke up feeling pretty good.
Another thing that likely attributed to having woke up feeling good was that I quit eating that leftover thanksgiving sugar shit. I ate nothing yesterday that would cause me inflammation, and I really felt better waking up yesterday than I have in all the days since Thanksgiving when I ended up with some ungodly amount of leftover pies.
The feelings I’m avoiding
I don’t even know what those feelings are. Probably sadness and lonliness. Those are the usual two in recent times.
On Sunday night, I was feeling stomach pain and muscle tension and I didn’t feel very present during my family gathering. When I walked inside, I was happy and I wanted to get hugs from everyone, but after seeing people and feeling the need to do what I think people want me to do, I quickly reverted to my default hiding behaviors and I suppressed the love and joy that I was feeling.
I was quiet and I zoned out. I was in real pain with a 1/4 of a pie in my stomach, and I barely ate. A. had to wave at me at one point to get my attention because my mind was elsewhere.
I was shame spiraling a bit. Not to the point where I was in a panic attack, but definitely to the point of hating where I was at because I was in the presence of my former god– my father.
When I’m with him, I revert to this version of myself which is innocent and pure and cannot do a thing to offend him. It’s so disingenuous and I feel like a fraud and a fake and I’m so bored of being that way.
I want to be my vulgar, horny, weeaboo self and debate which girl is best girl from the Fate series. I can’t do that with my family around.
Where did the word, “weeabo” come from? I want to know…
Also I need a new family or some shit. A family where I can express myself and not have to worry about offending them or feeling like I’ll be disowned.. A family with less bigotry.
I’m going to say fuck and that’s how I communicate! If you can’t handle that, then how about I say, “frick“? I kid. Fuck and frick have the same meaning, but somehow one is offensive and the other one is not? I know people who think that way. It’s amazing how logic is completely absent when it comes to certain words in language.
I’m a grown-ass man. I’m not going to say, “frick” because someone gets offended by a word with the same meaning, but has a slight variation in the sound.
What is that? They’re choosing to get offended by a certain sound?
For fuck’s sake.
I’ve pooped 3 times today
I feel like pooping again. This is abnormal for me. Usually it’s 1 and done. Is this what it’s like to quit sugar?
I have a cupboard full of sugary pre-packaged oatmeal. I think I’m going to throw it all away. First, I want to restock my pantry with good healthy foods, then I’m going to secretly throw the sugar oatmeal out.
I say secretly because it goes against everything I believe in to waste food. There’s nobody else but me in this apartment. A secret from myself isn’t really possible, but I’m going to try.
This isn’t food. This isn’t food. This isn’t foodA half-truth I’ll be telling myself as I throw it away
I make much better oatmeal. …when my pantry is well stocked, that is! It tastes good, it’s got lots of variety and fresh ingredients, and it tastes like a dessert without having added sugar.
The little packages of oatmeal from the big box brands are gooey and sticky, they have a lot of flavor, but that’s just from mystery powder flavorings and a huge dose of fucking sugar.
Big Clive talked about oatmeal one time and how American oatmeal is mostly sugar. Then he showed how he makes his oatmeal. He drops in two pellets of some sort of sugar replacement and that’s all he needs.
That’s all anybody needs, but I think most Americans are addicted to sugar. I have extended family who has admitted to that.
Luckily I’m not addicted to sugar. Luckily I had a great reminder this past week about how terrible sugar is for me. I had a diet of mostly pie, and my bowels became so dehydrated that my poop became hard and painful to pass. Just fuck that life. Fuck pie!
I’ll have pie again, but I’ll be smart about it. But not for awhile. Until 2021, fuck sugar!
CoDA is in 10 minutes. I’m going to prepare. Afterwards, I’ll come back and write some more.
I pooped for the fourth time today!
Then I went to CoDA. I was so anxious. I was shaking and sweating and I felt tingly all over. I decided not to share because I think my emotions would have run amuck and I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably start crying.
For once, the feelings were of excitement, not of fear!
That’s super encouraging. I am definitely making progress in working on lessening the shame that I feel in social situations.
I’ll be going to CoDA Saturday again. I benefit greatly from attending CoDA.
After CoDA, I quickly exited the Zoom meeting and I jumped into sutra chanting. I chanted Maka Hannya Haramita Shingyo, Junirai, Sanbutsuge, and Hanjusan. Wow, 4 chants. That’s like 45 minutes of chanting. It didn’t really seem like that long. I really enjoy sutra chanting.
It’s almost like singing. I have been really enjoying Ironmouse’s streams when she sings, and it’s been inspiring me to learn some of the songs that she sings on a regular basis so I can sing along. I love singing! I used to sing my heart out when I went to church, but that practice faded. I think now is a great time to get back into it, because I think it’s fun and it has some really powerful therapeutic effects.
Baka Mitai, the Evangelion opening theme song… Those are the two that I can think of at the moment which would be great to learn.
I haven’t been reading SHit
During the CoDA meeting tonight, I realized that I haven’t been reading anything. When I read I thought it was just me by Brene Brown, I made it a habit to read aloud to myself. This had the effect of calming me and preventing the racing thoughts that I experience when I am learning something.
Learning is seriously scary for me. For some reason. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s PTSD from the time in my past when receiving school grades meant it was time to experience anger and punishment from my father. I don’t fucking know, but it’s kinda annoying.
I do a job that requires a lot of learning. Luckily, there’s also a lot of grinding, which is sorta robotic and I don’t have to think about much.
ANyway, the learning part… I’ve been putting off learning React all day because I’m scared.
I’m going to jump into it after I finish writing, because it’s a burden to carry around the fear of what I don’t know.
It’s not hard. It’s really not. It just takes time and focus and dedication and persistence and grit and entrepreneurial spirit and all that jazz.
But when I do learn react, I am almost always anxious. I get this woosy stomache feeling and I always have the urge to run away.
Again, reading aloud what I read as I learn is a superb way to slow the fuck down. Instead of being in panic mode where I have to learn EVERYTHING right NOW, I intentionally talk slowly and clearly as if I were recording a voiceover for a video tutorial.
Talking slowly is one of the tricks for how to be confident. That’s something I read awhile back.
I got a couple sales this evening. I attribute my recent sales to my persistence in listing cards every day.
I’m just about out of cards to list. It’s no big deal because I have one more package on it’s way from Japan. It’s been nn days in transit and I don’t care to look up the exact days or post a screenshot as I have in the past. This is routine, nothing to see here!
If only I could keep up that routine! The big holdup in that area is cash flow. I have a lot of cash tied up in product. That’s okay. I’m an investor. The whole point is to sit on product until it appreciates and sells at an inflated price.
The problem is that I have difficulty both paying rent, and keeping a supply of product incoming.
I’m not complaining. I’m learning that efficiency matters in the types of products I order. I’m learning that I want to be paying $0.03 per card, rather than $1.50 per card, as an example. I’m learning that certain card sets have OBSESSIVE fans who will purchase a common rarity card for $9 hours within me listing the card.
Other sets nobody gives a shit about, and I might just be wasting my time listing those individual cards!
I’m also learning that there are always surprises. There are sets/animes which I think are terrible and the consensus on MyAnimeList.net matches. Those sets sometimes have fans who message me thanking me profusely for stocking cards of their favorite characters.
Time’s up for writing
I feel like I just started writing. Perhaps it is really important for me to meditate before I write. Perhaps it doesn’t matter if I meditate or not, the important part is that I am in a headspace where I talk about myself, my inner thoughts and my feelings, rather than just recounting the day’s events.
For fucks sake.
Authenticity is so important. I have a feeling that in the future I will look back on a lot of the posts that I make, and instantly recognize that I was bullshitting my way through my writing session.
Luckily… I’m genuine right now. I feel so after having meditated and gone to CoDA.
Well, genuine me thinks that I want to jump into code. Ehhh, no, genuine me wants to write a bit more.
Ok so I’ll put another 25 minutes on the clock. What is it that you have to say today, genuine Chris?
just kidding. I don’t give a shit about Trump or not Trump or that other guy… I’m merely regurgitating some top-meme bullshit of the day that I saw on UrbanDictionary.com
Every time in recent memory that I go on urbandictionary, I see that the top meme is related to Donald Trump.
Donald. The dude’s name is Donald.
Anyway, that’s all that I care to say about that.
Random heading for a random topic that I haven’t even decided on.
Oh, shit! I keep forgetting, and I keep procrastinating. I made this fucking video to invite my family to share their thoughts on the holiday season this year. The goal is to create a video for Christmas Eve which we will watch together. I have not shared it with anyone but my sister K. because I’m afraid of being vulnerable with my family.
I was vulnerable when I recorded the video. That was intentional. That was me feeling wonderful after having the best day of my life in recent history. I was feeling open and free and passionate about creating something that we can look back on years from now and reminisce or whatever.
But now I’m afraid to share the video because I feel embarrassed for having been open!
I think the real problem here is that being closed off to people is so habit. And part of that habit stems from my social life being a 1 hour a day type of a thing. If that. I may go to therapy or CoDA and I check off my 1 hour per day socializing todo item. That’s not enough!
If I am to be consistently open and wear my heart on my shoulder, I think my social life must become more normal. And not just socializing to the point where I’m having a conversation, but socializing to the point where I’m BEING MYSELF.
This is so hard for me. I play video games with friends and my brother and I feel inhibited. I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to reveal weakness. I don’t want to sing or laugh. When I do laugh, it’s often forced and I take notice in how FAKE I’m being.
Then the shame spiraling starts. Then all hope of recovering becomes lost. Then I just give up and go to bed.
This worst case scenario shame spiral/panic doesn’t happen too often anymore. THANK GOODNESS.
But what does happen often is my reservations on expressing my opinion, talking about my life, hobbies… Fuck, I’m so codependent.
I try to gauge what the other person likes, what their lifestyle is like, political beliefs, religion, etc. before I share.
That’s fucked. That’s so fucked.
I can do better. I think it starts with prioritizing my relationships.
- My higher power is #1
- I am #2
- Everyone else is #3. This includes parents, siblings, friends, lovers, etc.
Also, everybody in the world can hate me, and that’s okay. In fact, I find it easier to be authentic when I go into conversations with the assumption that the people I’m talking to do hate me.
Everyone but me hates meMy mantra
This mantra made the idea of me sharing in CoDA tonight a little easier. Had I actually shared, I likely would have reminded myself of that fact while sharing, and taken peace in that fact.
I’m going to be dead somedayAnother mantra, which is cool to think about
Buddhism has taught me the impermanence of life. In the morning, I could have vibrant health. In the evening, I could be a pile of ashes.
It’s meditating on shit like that that really helps me center myself. I am not going to live forever, and in fact, someday I will be dead. So what the fuck am I doing listening to my inner bitch and wasting even a moment feeling terrible that I have this tendency to act as my inner bitch?
Centered. Oh, there’s a genuine guy, Chris. He’s buried deep within my conscious brain. He doesn’t come out that often, but it’s really nice when he does. Chris is the one who wants to live a happy life and check off all the items on his bucketlist. Chris wants to live without fear of repercussion for simply saying, “FUCK” or smoking pot or jerking off to porn or having sex out of wedlock.
Those are my challenges right now.
Chris does or wants to do all those things, but he feels inhibited by his father. He feels unable to do those things because he rents an apartment from his parents. His stability is at risk should he stray too far from “the path of righteousness” which was engrained into him during his youth.
Well fuck that shit. I’m awakening to my potential as a human. I reject the bigoted bullshit I was taught. I reject a hateful, wrathful, vengeful god who is just itching to wipe out his idea of “evil” which is usually just people living as their authentic selves.
Fuck that shit. I’m gonna grow as a person. I’m going to grow as a businessman. I’m going to work hard, monetize my skills, live the life that I want to live, and I’m going to rake in enough dough to where renting my own apartment in North Idaho is a piece of cake.
I’m going to figure this out.
This is within my ability.
Change is happening and I embrace it.
I’m not afraid of disconnection from people who hold their connection over me as if it’s… I don’t know. They probably don’t hold their connection over me! I’m probably just afraid of the disconnection and I’m coming up with external locus of control excuses to make this easier for me to process.
Let’s look inward. I am afraid of disconnection from my father. It’s scary. There’s a big scary world out there. My father shielded me from a lot of things for a lot of time. It’s really scary to change, but I can do it.
I can do it, and I am doing it!
Alright, let’s keep it up!
So the next thing would be CODE so I can get SBTP rewards launched at the start of the year.
Time to learn some shit!
Gratty & affy
I’m grateful that I took an extra 25 minutes to write words! I made it to 3000 words today. Pretty cool! I feel therapeutized!
I’m grateful for my discipline. Something I thought about last night when I couldn’t sleep was how discliplined I have become. I used to recite this phrase that I identified with.. “I’m all talent, no discipline.” That’s the reason I attributed to why I couldn’t finish anything I started. But now I have a different outlook. I have both discipline and talent. I can and do finish things that I start.
I think a part of that is keeping things small, and releasing them and interating on them after they are released. Or maybe it’s just adopting a system rather than having a goal without a plan. IDK. Lots of details there that I could expound on, but I’ll save that for later.
I’m grateful for… Reading old blog posts! I improved a post I made today, and I feel better about the article now. That particular article gets quite a few hits in comparison to most of the posts I make!
I wonder how my journal will do, once I post it? I think most of it won’t apply to most people, but there are little gems in there. *In here.
Welp that’s it for now. I added some badass affirmations which I extracted from some shit I wrote a few paragraphs up, naturally.
Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?