I’ve been blogging almost daily for over a year. I think it might be beneficial if I go back and read posts from a year ago.

A year ago, I was pirating Project DIVA X on my PSVita. Holy shit, that was a year ago? I remember taking all those screenshots and transferring them from my Vita’s storage to my PC.

I haven’t played Project DIVA since the start of this year. I still have my Vita. it isn’t listed on eBay anymore, because of that failed sale where I didn’t trust the buyer who had absolutely terrible feedback.

I was frustrated with work and my living situation a year ago. I was thinking about living out of my truck, rather than continuing to live in the apartment that I live at now. I was really frustrated with having to work for my dad, and also have him as my landlord.

Things are better now. I am not working for my dad at all. He is still my landlord, though. I’m better now, but still haven’t reached my goal of moving out!

Progress. That’s all I can do, that’s all that I can hope for. A little progress every day is how I’m going to get through this, and build a better life for myself.

I’m doing really good today as far as staying on task and being mindful. I’ve caught myself impulsively moving towards my PC to mindlessly browse news feeds twice this morning. It’s 10:00AM and I haven’t browsed feeds at all today. I’m in the dark, so to speak, and I feel fine about it because I’m focusing my energy into things that I want to make progress on.

I already did two sessions of listing cards on eBay. I’m off to a great start!

Here’s something kinda crazy… I slept during the day for a big chunk of yesterday, and then I slept all night. Somewhere around 5 hours in the day, and another 5 at night…

I guess that’s not that crazy. 10 hours of sleep used to be really common for me.

Speaking of sleep! A year ago I was complaining about my sleep quality. I was complaining about sleep apnea and my lack of a quality bed.

Back then I still had my futon. It was a shitty American one and the padding had gone flat. I noted that I wanted to replace it with a proper Japanese futon that I had previously which was of much higher quality.

Well I think my sleep is okay at the moment, but it could be much better. Right now I still sleep on my shitty quality, busted camping pad. Sometimes I sleep on my couch. Neither are good for sleeping, they’re just acceptable and mediocre.

LOL, I haven’t made any progress in being able to afford a bed. Well, I had a bedfuton a year ago. That was before I puked all over it and decided to throw it away.

Hmm… Big difference in my mental health though. That’s something to be really pleased about.

I have a clear goal and a mission now. I didn’t have those a year ago.

I’m feeling like going back to sleep. I’m definitely in hibernation mode.

I’m going to try and avoid sleep for the moment. I want to get myself down to the grocery store because I’m out of nutmilk and raisins.

My shopping list

• Peanut butter
• Nut Milk
• Raisins
• Bananas
• Instant Oatmeal (plain)
• Walnut
• Sunflower seed
• Dried fruit

That’s definitely too much stuff to fit in my small backpack. I’ll probably start at the top and work my way down the list, stopping at the point where I’ve reached max capacity. The things at the top are highest priority.

Not that that matters for anything other than Chris Grimmett’s diet history. These listed food items really portray my food regime as of late. Oatmeal is the #1 food I eat.

can i haz nap tiem nao?

I think I’m not going to fight it. My body wants to sleep after having breakfast. The sun is shining, which is a really good sign. It has been foggy and wet all morning, and I was not looking forward to dirtying my freshly cleaned and serviced bike.

I think I’ll nap, then get a feel for how it’s looking outside. After resting, I’ll perhaps write some more, or I’ll go directly to the grocery store.

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iRode

I rode my bike to the grocery store and back. Just got home and took another shower lol. The sun sets in 2 minutes. I left home at around 2:30. Really cold on the way there, but I acclimated quickly and the ride home was pleasant.

Physically difficult, yet temperaturly pleasant. Temperaturly lol.

I think one of my former friends is working at FM. I want to say hi but our friendship ended on a bad note and I don’t want to bring up past pains. I’m over it, but I don’t know if he is. Every time I have talked to him since our falling out, I get the impression from his body language that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

If that’s how it is, that’s how it is, but I can’t say for sure at this point. He hasn’t communicated to me one way or another.

I just have to live with this reality. I made a choice years ago to be verbally angry with him and then ghost him for over a year. I made that choice at that time, knowing that it could lead to us never talking again.

I feel guilty about it.

I had become K.’s best friend, and he mine. I gained his trust and then I betrayed that trust by angrily criticizing what I saw as a weakness.

I’m sure my words cut deep. I’m sure my unwillingness to talk about it days later cut deeper.

I haven’t had a emotional connection like I did to K. since then. … Nah I’m not sure that’s true. I think I have a similar friendship between M. and I. It’s different in that we don’t spend nearly as much time together. We also live in different states and only see eachother about once a year.

Maybe that’s what I’m missing in life… An emotionally intimate, platonic relationship. I had that as a child with my mother. Later I formed deep friendships with kids on the block, and and later friends at school.

When I lived in Eugene, I had work friends who were very close.

Then I moved home and made friends through airsoft and video games.

And then the K. situation happened. I quit making friends, worked too much in IT, and lost sight of myself.

Then last year happened, where I literally wanted to kill myself because of how lonely and unloved that I felt.

Thank goodness for therapy, and CoDA. Thank goodness for me setting boundaries with my father. Thank goodness for me setting my sights on a lifestyle and a career that I actually want.

Speaking of boundaries with my father… I had a close call the other week when I was about to make some vinyl stickers for him. I wanted to say no, but I said yes. That’s not good! I need a boundary to where I do not work for my dad. It’s very clear to me that I need this boundary or I shame spiral.

I don’t know how to go about that. The problem is two-fold. The first is that I don’t respect my time and my mission. When I said yes, I didn’t ask for money, and that’s a huge problem. The other is that I don’t respect my boundaries which is that I don’t work for my father.

Am I wrong to have that boundary? My father is my primary shame trigger, which is why I created that boundary in the first place. Am I avoiding some emotion by having the boundary? Am I running away from my problems?

Thinking back to a book I read on codependency, part of the recovery process is to disconnect. I haven’t fully disconnected yet, because I still live on my parent’s property and I pay them rent… So no, I don’t think I’m wrong to have the boundary of not working for my parents. I think this is a boundary I need to keep until I’m in a different housing situation.

I may need to keep it indefinitely. When my dad asked me to make vinyl stickers for him, I reverted to a child-like state where I was doing a favor for my dad, rather than providing him with a business service. I can’t have that mentality if I am to succeed in business, and I don’t want to work for people who don’t want to pay full price. In my mind, not paying full price because of our family relationship is the same as not wanting me to succeed.

I’m wrappin’ this up!

Time to do some code or something. I’ve made good progress on sbtp-loyalty over the last week. I’m learning all sorts of things about React and Redux and Sagas, integrating that knowledge into a Strapi plugin which will help me import all the prememo card data into my database.

I’m grateful for the friendly drivers who slowed down and/or gave me extra room as I rode my bike today.

I’m grateful for the friendly waves that walkers and passerbys gave me.

I’m grateful for the cold yet dry and sunny day which was excellent for riding in.

I’m grateful for the extra sleep that I got today, and my willingness to slow down and get me what I need.

I’m grateful for youtube-dl which I use to record livestreams for later watching.

I’m grateful for SpaceX for giving me the most EPIC display of rocketry that I have ever seen, as they tested SN8. F to pay respects for SN8!

82. While I wait for the storm to pass, I will choose to dance in the rain.
81. I am braver than I feel.

21. Exercise is my superpower. Watch me flyyy!

Excelsior!