Tue Dec 17 2019 @ 12:06 PM

I’m at the clinic today. My past self must have wanted me to be on time because I put down 9am in my calendar. My appointment is at 9:40, not 9!

But it’s okay. I have paper and a pen so I can write until my appointment. The woman at the front counter doesn’t seem happy to be at work today. I want to wash my hands, I touched two door handles on my way in. I’m I’ll probably use the bathroom in a few minutes so I can do just that.

Writing is so nice and therapeutic. If I weren’t writing right now, I’d probably be freaking out and having a panic attack. Other people waiting seem like they’re getting impatient. “This is stupid.” is something I overheard.

Wow, like 6 people went in at once. A nurse looked me in the eye and I felt uncomfortable. I felt exposed like she could see into my soul. I felt like I was sending her a signal, “hurry up!”

But I don’t want that. Hmm, perhaps I should have smiled.\

Oh dang. I’m feeling hungry. I didn’t eat anything. Maybe this will be a good thing since sometimes I get tests done and they like to see my levels after fasting for several hours.

I only have one or two sheets of paper so I’m writing really small. I should have asked for writing paper for Christmas! I bet I could find a good deal online for paper. Or I could find a good deal at Wal-Mart too. Paper is usually pretty inexpensive.

I’m hungry. I want Taco Bell, LOL! Nah it’s too early for that. Nah I could eat it.

Man, sitting here in the waiting room I hear some really private things from people. Procedures they are getting. Their monthly income. Speaking of income, I have a golden opportunity to make some money flipping cellphones.

Since I have more time than money, I repaired a broken cell phone instead o buying a working one. I saved about $30 because of that. I could be repairing cell phones and making about $18 profit per phone. That’s a very rough estimate, taking into account shipipng and eBay fees. Someone’s cellphone just rang and it sounded like Minecraft.

I’m nervous. Not because of MinecraftLOL, but because a bunch of people just went in and out and it was busy and crowded for a moment.

I should have sat somewhere else I’m sitting adjacent to the door so anyone who walks in is in my field of view. Now it’s empty but I still feel anxious. Yesterday I had a legit panic attack while I helped my dad paint.

I was supposed to climb a sketchy ladder and paint. I did so and I started shaking and feeling like I needed to get off the ladder. I was so scared of jumping off the ladder backwards not because I was falling, but just because I was going to have a panic attack and the thought of having a panic attack was feeding back into the actual panic attack.

I was shaking. I was so afraid that my dad would see me shaking. I was so afraid to say that I was scared. I had to go up another rung and I did so after a few minutes. I couldn’t go up another rung after that and I could not ask for help. It’s a machismo thing. I can’t make complaints to my dad, because he has shamed my siblings and I for complaining so many times in the past. I can’t ask him for help because it would just make him upset with me.

I shut down after that. I no longer communicated with my dad or asked him what I should do next. Luckily, i could finish painting from the balcony above, so I didn’t have to climb the ladder any higher.

The last time we painted, my dad held the ladder for me on the opposite side of the room. I went up pretty high, and I had a less severe panic attack. I wanted to speak what I was feeling, but it’s my dad and I cannot complain to him. I was very scared and working extremely slowly.

Without saying anything, my dad stopped holding the ladder and walked away to do something else. I was frightened. I held completely still, afraid that the ladder may slide out from under me or tip over. Neither of us communicated. He must have assumed I was confident on the ladder so he just walked away. I was the opposite of confident. I was petrified and let down by his absence.

one sec, gonna pee.

I just noticed that my glasses have paint on them. It came off really easy.

People are coming in for 9:30 and 9:40 appointments. That means I don’t have to wait much longer. Time has passed quickly due to this wonderful activity called writing.

The woman at the front counter seems more cheery now that her co-worker showed up. Must have just been a rough start to her morning. Apparently she’s going through a legal battle.

I’m nervous about my appointment. I haven’t been taking my meds and I have to explain it all. It comes down to not wanting to take Seritonin altering chemicals if I can get a similar effect as working out. My therapist said the same effect can be had for 30 minutes of exercise every day. So i want to do that, not take a drug.

The Hydroxizine made me feel hung over, and gave my mind a cloudiness. But Hydroxizine didn’t relax my muscles like CBD does.

It seems like alcohol use is a big deal in medicine.A sheet I was given to fill out asked me if I drank more than 5 glasses in the past year. When I drink, I have one, maybe two. Alcohol is not something I really enjoy. Hangovers are not for me!

I’m in the exam room now. I explained why I wasn’t taking the meds. I have definitely improved since last visit though. I credit my counselor. She has given me a few coping mechanisms so far. She has also opened mty eye to the fact that I am loved.

I wish I could get closer with people though. I wish I could have a deep relationship to the point where I don’t feel spiritually homeless. Nobody would even notice if I were gone for several days. Actually I don’t think that is accurate. My mom would notice. But only because I wouldn’t collect my mail LOL. I don’t think my mom enjoys being around me. I think it’s because I have deviated from the path my parents want me to follow. Religiosity, faith in god, etc. I don’t live those beliefs and I think it makes me harder for them to relate to.

I think I don’t let myself get close to people because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them to hurt me, either. My dad has hurt me in the past when we were close. I hurt my friend Kevin because I felt comfortable enough with him to point out his flaws. I did it in a way that was aggressive and insensitive. I feel hurt when people close to me become upset with me.

I don’t know what to do when I’m mad. So I do nothing. I ignore the feelings and lock them away. But I can only do that for so long. Eventually the feelings come bursting out. I lose my temper this way, and hurt people I’m close to and care about.

I don’t think I’ve ever hurt a stranger this way. I’m polite towards strangers. It’s only close people I care about that I end up hostile towards.

Yeah, I don’t know what to do about that. I’ll have to bring that up tomorrow when I see my counselor.

So I guess I’m bound to 5+ days of exercise a week for the rest of my life. I can consider anything less than that a breach of medical health advice. In other words, it’s my prescription. If I don’t exercise, I’m not taking my “pills.”

I am no longer prescribed to any medication.

I got home from the clinic and I did my exercising for the day. I walked around 4Km. I just did laps around the fire pit trail like I usually do. 21 laps to be exact. I use pinecones to keep track of how many laps I do.

First I walk one lap to get warmed up. On my first lap, I usually get my pinecones counted out and in a row. I cleared the snow and pinecones on the ground and one pinecone in that clear spot indicates one lap completed.

So I start my first lap walking counter-clockwise around the firepit trail. Halfway around, I get to the bottom of the hill where there’s a green airsoft wall. I decided that would be a good burpee station. So I do one burpee, then run up the hill, around the corner through the small trees, and to the “sword in the stone.” The sword in the stone is just a wooden marking stake wedged in the top of a dead tree stump.

Sometimes I make up stories about the sword in the stone. Or I’ll carry the “sword” around with me and incorporate it into my workout. Anyway, I keep running until I get to that sword in the stone. At which point, I walk again.

I reach the Squat Station. The pine cones are at the squat station. Today I was doing burpees so I didn’t do any squats other than the one per lap to squat down and move a pine cone into the zone which marks that I completed a lap.

In the future, I may do squats and burpees every lap. For now, I’m just doing one or the other.

I used an app on my new phone which tracks distance via GPS. That’s how I got the 4Km estimate. It only logged 3.8Km but I only thought to start the tracker on lap 2, so I added a few hundred meters.

I don’t know how far one lap is. I would like to find out next time I use the tracker app. It says it is accurate down to 10 meters which is pretty good for a rough estimate to put in my blog.

So yeah, today I did 21 laps. 21 because I have a rule that I can’t go back and add a pinecone if I forget to add a pinecone. I was lost in thought and I just walked by the squat station!

I’d like to think that I can become strong. All muscular like Joe Rogan. That would be a good confidence booster. I wouldn’t feel so disgusted with my body. Not that I really have much to complain about. 6’4″ 169 lbs was what I weighed in at about a month ago when I visited the clinic. The nurse keeps having me skip the scale the past two times I’ve been there. I will have to insist on being weighed next time so I can see if my weight is fluctuating at all.

Ideally I’d put on some weight, because muscle weighs more than fat. This is all dependent on my continued feeding of myself. Right now I’m running out of supplies for curry. Namely rice and potatos.

With any luck, I’ll receive some more food for Christmas! I hope I don’t get any consumer bullshit like I tend to receive for Christmas. Plasticky gimmicks that I end up throwing away in a week. I want stuff I will actually use, which is why I asked for food and clothing. I just want to eat well LOL.

I shouldn’t ask for anything, but every year my sisters insist. I guess nobody knows me well enough to know what to get me. HATSUNE MIKU MERCH, PLEASE!

Well hopefully people will get to know me better. I’m hoping by releasing these very personal blog articles, I’ll be able to start living my true identity. I hope to be able to do this so I can express myself naturally, and I can stop hiding. I want to stop living a double life!

I’m a Hatsune Miku otaku and a HENTAIIIIIII!

Hentai means pervert by the way.

Who isn’t a pervert though? If someone is not a pervert, maybe they’re just good at hiding their perversions. I guess they could be asexual and they aren’t sexually active at all. Maybe they are grossed out by their genitals. I can’t relate but I bet there are people like that.

Anyway, I’m at my 2000 words for the day. I am going to shift into Japanese study before I work on Jepurdee. Only a week until Christmas eve! It’s crunch time! I gotta bring this app together and make it a viable game. Gotta work on it right away, and not delay until the last minute!

With this in mind, I hope to have Jepurdee 100% done by the end of this week, and just have minor tweaks left to do over the weekend or next week.

Onto Japanese! I gotta secure my position on the leaderboards. I’m falling behind, and about to be demoted!

I can pull ahead. It will just take two lessons per day instead of only one lesson. This is Duolingo by the way. They recently added extra Japanese content, so I no longer have 100% completion on their JPN course.

To the moon!

Oh yeah, I keep forgetting to do this.

I’m grateful for my arms that allow me to do burpees.

I’m grateful for my legs which allow me to run.

I’m grateful for my heart which allows me to live.

P.S. I made a curry that was TERRIBLE! I totally winged it, adding cashew milk and vegetable stock in addition to the other stuff I usually add. Terrible result! I felt a little nautious after that one. But I learned a valuable lesson because of it!

To the moon!

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