Tue Dec 24 @ 9:58 AM

My internet is acting weird again. Fuck the police. Oh wait, wrong genre.

So today is Christmas Eve. HYPE! Here’s a bit of writing I did yesterday while I was in the lobby at therapy.

My tethh hurt. I’m doing some writing because it focuses my mind on something other than being nervous. I already wrote 2000 words today so I doubt I will put this in wordpress or not. I’m nervous, I don’t want to talk about my feelings. But I’m here because I am not 100% and I am struggling to get along with people, struggling to hold a job, struggling to form relationships.

I’m wearing my nice jacket today. This jacket is what I wear when I’m feeling good. I’m feeling good today. Jovial and merry. I went to the comic book store and I didn’t really find anything that met my conditions. Cheap and a multipack. Something that I can give to multiple people. There is a conversation going on in the lobby that is very entertaining. A loud guy talking to the security guard talking to a girl waiting for her family. The loud guy said to the girl, “don’t ever smoke!”

This is almost as entertaining as watching a YOUTUBE video. But I am a little nervous that I will have to interact with them.

I’m supposed to consider why I feel the way I do.What is the purpose of why I’m feeling how I am feeling? I couldn’t find my breath strips. I am worried that I have bad breath. Almost sure of it. Yikes. I need to keep a pack oin my backpack. Maybe I’ll pick up some gum or altoids when I go to Fred Meyer after this. So anyway, why do I feel nervous about interacting with people? To isolate myself and be safe? Not sure. Dang, I wrote a lot. I only brought 2 sheets.

I need a paper tablet!

I will write in the margin now! This will give my sheet of paper a nice look. I just hope I don’t write too far to the right and get blue ink all over my palm!

I’m feeling more nervous now. I wonder if that chocolate (vegan) cookie inflames my stomach? I wonder if I have a gluten intolerance?

Therapy homework: Research Berene Brown and the power of vulernability.

Ok so that was yesterday. Today is today. Today I am so hyped because today is the day I reveal my jepurdee game, and the day I make curry for my fam, and the day we have a fun get together!

I still have to do my daily routine, just because it’s a holiday. Tomorrow might be difficult to do this, because usually we get up at the crack of dawn to open gifts. I think we should revise our schedule now that we are all adults. Present opening at noon sounds nice.

So I sold my Samsung Galaxy S8+ on eBay yesterday. The listing was up for about an hour before it got snatched up. I sent it off via USPS First Class Mail. Now all I gotta do is wait and hope I don’t get scammed by the person who bought it!

A user tried to scam me after the sale. Someone other than the buyer. They lived in Georgia (the country) and who knows, maybe they make a job out of scamming people.

What they did was they sent me a message via eBay, stating that they were the winner of the S8+, and that they would like me to send the phone to an address they provided.

I’m just going to go ahead and dox them because they deserve nothing less. Look at that zero feedback rating! They must go through eBay accounts like a bean addict goes through toilet paper.

Bean addict. LOL.

Anyway, I wonder if they are using a shipping forwarder. I haven’t taken the time to google the address. Don’t really care to find out either.

So I just replied with, “no you’re not.”

I spent the next 15 minutes trying to figure out if there was a way I could report that message to eBay. Sadly, there is not. What a shitshow eBay is. Their platform enables scammers in several ways. Their support staff actively puts up walls to cut off communication between sellers. Their seller fees are atrociously unfair to sellers, their website technology is buggy as hell, implmented wrong, and often outdated.

The only good thing eBay has going for it is that it is a huge worldwide marketplace with tons of buyers and sellers. I don’t think it’s long before eBay gets dethroned, because my distaste for eBay is just one example of a sea of unhappy users.

Offerup could be the next big thing. They have a really slick UI, it’s app-centric which young people seem to love.. There are no auctions which means transactions are fast and convenient..

I could see Offerup gobbling up a large chunk of eBay marketshare. It’s just better in every category. Performance, Appearance, Ease of use, Fees… eBay is doomed!

eBay might be too big to fail. Too big to fail soon anyway. But I betcha their board meetings are reporting numbers on the decline.

I used to love eBay when I started using it in 2005. eBay got a lot of hate even back then, and I didn’t understand it because of the benefits I got from it.

I started to understand as eBay became less of a hero and more of a villain. And it did so consistently every time it made changes to the website.

Enough about eBay. Let’s talk about dihydrogenmonoxide. Dihydrogenmonoxide is a chemical which consists of two hydrogen atoms, and one oxygen atom. dihydrogenmonoxide is often used as a cleaning agent, which is non-corrosive and non-toxic. In fact, dihydrogenmonoxide is edible in small amounts!

Just be warned, drinking over 3.7 liters of dihydrogenmonoxide without allowing your body to get rid of the buildup may be harmful to your health. It’s important that you allow your body to urinate should the urge arise.

That joke has been made already, so I’ll refrain from pushing water up hill. ahahahahaaha

I keep bringing up this topic in therapy. I don’t know what to do with myself when I get emotional. I end up running. But I’m supposed to allow myself to be in the moment, and let myself experience the feeling. Then what? If it’s a sad feeling, am I to let myself cry?

If it’s a happy feeling, I can be in the moment and feel happy. I have to be careful even with joy, however, as this has in the past led me to become too free with my words and hurting people.

So it’s all about moderation or something. I don’t know. I’m confused at the moment about how to handle feelings of sadness, anger, or disgust. But my clinician told me that we’ll figure it out over the next several weeks. Group therapy in two weeks! I’m feeling anxious yet hopeful about it.

It’s 10:46 AM. I woke up at 7:31 AM this morning, only briefly enough to turn my alarm off.

I have been using Suntimes alarm clock which is super nifty. I can set it to go off when the daily sunrise occurs. Very cool indeed, because it’s easier to wake up when the sun is rising.

This is how I would like to live. I don’t want a rigid schedule that requires me to be at work at a certain time. I don’t even want to have to go somewhere specific for work. I’d like to work at my home desk and do so on my schedule.

I want to work once I’ve done my other daily tasks. Writing, studying, training, showering and shaving…

A simple life of digital nomadism. This is what I desire.

I know what I want, now I have to fight to have it. If I do not, I’ll lose the ability, and I’ll be forced into drudgery and labor.

So what I gotta do is basically make $$$ doing what I love. Lots of $$$. Lots and lots of $$$ that just keeps coming every month!

I’m feeling positive about this aspect because I just sold a $200 phone on eBay. The problem is, I don’t have any more $200 phones to sell! If only it was that easy!

I just set up a price alert for OnePlus One phones which are listed as “for parts or not working.”

If I can repeat the repair that I did with my OnePlus One, I can resell the phone for profit. I gotta open up my phone and add a speaker by the way. Oh shit, I think I mislpaced the speaker…

Nevermind, I found it. It’s in a plastic bag along with all the other junk on my desk!

It’s kind of a pain to get to the speaker. I gotta to a full takedown and remove the battery, the mobo… I think I’ll wait until I have another phone to work on, then I can work on two in series.

I need BBQ sauce for my curry. Unfortunately I don’t have any. When I was at the store, I was looking for gluten free, vegan BBQ sauce, and I couldn’t find any! Oh wait, I should have checked the health food section! I bet there was some there. Anyway hopefully K. will have some extra she can bring over. Apparently there is a brand called Stubbs which is GF and contains no high fructose corn syrup.

I’ll eat high fructose corn syrup, but I definitely avoid it. I don’t like the taste.

Applesauce with high fructose corn syrup is a travesty!

Oh boy, I am so stoked for today. I don’t know if I’ll have final jepurdee implemented in time. There are some bugs which keep cropping up, and I’m afraid it will take me a few more coding sessions to solve them. Instead of working on that today, and likely stressing myself out before the big reveal, I’ll instead work on finalizing my holiday themed questions and answers.

Final Jepurdee can simply be done with a pen and paper. Or I could even skip the websockets issue I’m having and just keep the answers client side. The players would simply flip their phones around and share their final questions.

How lame that is though! I think I can pull it all together with a little more effort. Even if it’s hacky, I think I can get it to work.

There is the issue of WiFi instability which could be causing the problems I’m having. Or it could be a memory leak as well. I’ll figure something out.

So yeah, talking more about recognizing and identifying my feelings… I was at the comic book store yesterday and I felt a range of feelings.

I was happy to first walk in and see all the interesting merch. I was a little nervous when the store attendant asked if I needed anything behind the counter.

I was nervous when I walked between the rows of shelves and there were other customers blocking my path. I was happy to see there are plenty of gaming tables in the back. That would be a good store to stop at and play some cards!

I stood my friends up yesterday. I feel relieved to not have had to go to the movies and talk to B. I talked to my clinician about this, and she said it’s okay to not want to be friends with people. I knew that already, but it was nice to hear it from another person. It’s normal for people to discriminate when choosing their friends.

B. consistently makes me feel disgust. I’m outraged at her behaviors while driving. I’m defensive when I talk to her about things, because she is two faced in her opinions.

I don’t want to get into it. Basically I want to distance myself from B. Also I don’t want to go to the movies because I don’t want to spend money on a movie unless it’s a series I really like.

I’ll spend money on Ghost in the Shell, or Hatsune Miku. Anything else is probably a no.

For now anyway. For now while I don’t have a steady income. I got enough bills and debt to last me for a long time, and I don’t want an extra row in my budgeting software that is for, “shit events that I’m only going to because my friends are.” No! That’s not happening anymore! No matter how many times I’ve told my friends I don’t want to go see movies because I’m broke, they keep inviting me.

I’ll go play cards, but I don’t want to pay for movies anymore.

So that’s it? That’s why I stood them up?

That’s not why I stood them up. It was a combination of all the things I just mentioned, in addition to the general anxiety that I experience when going out.

I’m being a bad person by saying I’m coming, when not fully committed to it. I feel terrible for doing this. I sat on my couch and felt petrified because of how my word means so little and nobody can trust me to be when and where I say I’m going be.

I have to say no up front. I don’t want to go the movies. I don’t want to go to that event. It’s OKAY to not enjoy certain events. It’s OKAY to refain!

Just like it’s okay to choose what to put in my body, it’s okay to choose what to do with my body.

I don’t want to ingest propaganda laden cinematic shit just because it’s labelled as a series I used to like. Star Wars ever since it became a Disney product has become some sort of social influencer.

My brother D. said it best. He watches Star Wars and is a big fan because of the escapism element. When writers decide to include some feminism movement, “me too” movement, or cater to any sort of currently ongoing event in our world, that shit deletes the escapism.

It’s not just Star Wars either. Any popular movie is a candidate for social fuckery. I remember watching a movie with the Rock. I can’t remember… Anyway, they made the argument that mass surveillance was necessary. Right at about the time Ed Snowden revealed the #PRISM spying program.


That’s the feeling I get when I watch a Hollywood movie. It’s someone’s propaganda baked into an attractive package.

The Avengers series is the same way. Guardians of the Galaxy as well. They all have a message– respect authority. Do what you’re told. Evil is anything that is not “our team.”


I would like to eat a vegan taco. And a vegan pizza. I’m grateful that vegan tacos and vegan pizzas exist.

I’m grateful that vegetables are so healthy and that just about any recipe containing animal products can be altered to where it contains only plants.

I’m grateful for the excitement that comes from thinking about SpaceX and Tesla.

I’m grateful for the ability to poop. I’m grateful that I am healthy enough to where I still have my bowels and just about all of my organs.

I’m grateful that I have my tonsils.

I’m grateful that I have a nice place to train in my parent’s backyard.

I’m grateful for my clinician K. who truly seems to love her job and seems genuinely interested in helping me.

I’m grateful for my brother D. being so open about sharing his video games with me. I really enjoyed playing Fortnite on Sunday and watching him play.

I’m grateful for my family’s acceptance of my diet and how they will go out of their way to make sure I have something to eat.

I’m grateful for the congenial conversations we have at the dinner table. I mostly just spectate, but I enjoy hearing from everyone.

I’m grateful for the lack of snow! It snows, but then it melts, and I appreciate not having to deal with snow when I drive or when I train outside.

On to the training now! Then the Xmas party preparations will begin!

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